Da Video Game Review Thread

Another great Zelda game. When was the last time there was a bad one? :P

The Phillips cd-i ones, I believe. Which we will never speak of again.

Mever heard of them, so I couldn't speak about them if I tried.

Good. You've been spared.

I have had the unfortunate "pleasure" of playing Episode 1: The Phantom Menace on PS1. Oh my GOD, the blocky graphics, shitty controls, and awful voice overs... AHHH!

Review that sucker!

Fine, but I'll probably try to swallow a bottle of pills by the time I'm done.

Hey, you reviewed Heroes of Wrestling. I think you can manage this.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (PS1)


Graphics: In a word, shitty. Characters are blocky, there's hardly any color other than vomit green, diarrhea brown, and black, and the backgrounds constantly glitch, and when they aren't, you can't tell anyway, since nothing is detailed enough to stand out. The only good visual scene is on Tatooine, mainly since it's a desert, and it's impossible to screw that up. (3/10)


Sound: AH! The dialogue! So... bad... and... wooden! There's no background music, so you get to hear lovely foot steps for about 20 hours, and the occasional sound when you whip out a lightsaber. Did I mention the voices are terrible? Well, they are. And the only people to do voices that were from the movie were the snot nosed brat that made Anakin look like an annoying fag, and Jar Jar Binks. I'm knocking points off for them, just for sucking. (1.5/10)


Gamplay: Again, ugh. 90% of the game is walking around, deflecting lazer blasts, and walking around more trying to solve puzzles that a 3 year old can figure out. Even the ability to use the force sucks, since all you can do is weakly push back things in your path every 5 minutes. You think it's good that you're allowed to play as Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Captain Panaka, and Queen Amidala, but both Jedi's and both blaster characters all play the same. (3/10)


Story: Stuff happens. After you rescue Queen Amidala, the game breaks completely away from the movie. Suddenly you're hitting on Twi'lek hookers to get access to Jabba, you need to borrow money from Jabba to bet on the Pod Race, you don't find Anakin working at Watto's shop, but rather you need to explore the Slave Quarters on Tatooine, and when you get to Corucant, you have to fight off a bunch of evil guys, despite nothing exciting ever happens there. I can go on and on. I guess they felt it would be boring to do 50 minutes of Republic Chit-Chat instead of killing robots. (2/10)


Controls/Camera: Terrible. There's a lot of weird angle jumps to make, and often the camera angle doesn't even show where you're jumping to, or you'll mistime it because the camera changes mid-jump. Using weapons in an offensive manuever is pointless, since it takes about 5 seconds for button response. (0/10)


Difficulty: Depends. If you can make sense of the crappy graphics and can find your way through levels, it's easy as hell. The later levels are actually easier than the first ones, which are supposed to be used as "baby-step" levels. (2/10)


Final Thoughts: It stinks! (2/10)

Ouch, painful. You'd be better off playing Lego Star Wars, which is actually good.

I know... I'll review that tomorrow. :)

Sweet. I think I'll probably end up reviewing Vagrant Story.

And speaking of Lego Star Wars, the sequel (a.k.a Original Trilogy) version comes out this Fall, and since the Original Trilogy is about 67 times better than the Prequels, I have higher expectations.


And maybe I'll do a bundle review of old NES games later. :P

Same here. Here's to poppin' caps in Ewoks.

That's what Star Wars: Battlefront was for... and god damn, was it awesome. TAKE THAT YOU FUCKIN MUPPETS!