WWF Royal Rumble 1999:
- I think to cheer myself up (or maybe I should say piss me off), I would go to on one thing that can't fail... a horribly fucking booked PPV by Vince Russo. The 1999 Royal Rumble... wow, before I can breath, phrases come to my mind describing this show, like "dog shit", "horrible mess", "mind-boggingly stupid", "crap", "mind altering, drug enduced, garbage", and the creme de la crap, "Worst PPV of the Year". Wait... did I just do the "Final Thoughts" bit FIRST? Well tickle me pink, I must've lost my mind. Since this is the Even-Worse-PPV Edition, I will review any matches from the Free For All, which are basically things from RAW, since Heat wasn't even on the radar anymore, and Smackdown was non-existant.
Actually, in fact, I am debuting the Cock-Punch Rating system. Yeah, I know you-know-who has his Hot Pokers, but this is more traditional I think. For every match, I will punch myself in the balls, depending on just how stupid the match, the booking, or whatever was so you know how painful the segment was. Hopefully I can walk by the end of this show, because it's just stupid... Mike Tyson Stupid. Also to note, this PPV marked the debut of the "No Chance in Hell" theme that McMahon would begin using for the next 6 (and counting) years. Another quick Note: For those ordered the PPV, WWE gave away Steve Austin and Vince McMahon figures to people who sent in their cable bill... guess who got them? :-P
- The Corporate Rumble Match:
The winner of the DX v. Corporation Rumble gets the #30 spot in the Rumble Match on the PPV. We are Joined in Progress for this (as usual on the FFA), and the Entry order so far has been like this: #1 - Ken Shamrock, #2 - Billy Gunn, #3 - Big Boss Man, #4 - Test, #5 - X-Pac, #6 - Road Dogg. #7 is KAAAAAAAANE~! with Dogg, Test, Boss Man, and X-Pac still left. Kane quickly goes after the Road Dogg, ramming him into the turnbuckle, choking him down, and eliminating him with a clothesline at 0:39. X-Pac pounds away on the Boss Man in the corner, but Kane makes the save for his fellow Stable-mate, then pounds on X-Pac like he was his girlfriend. #8 is Triple H, who comes out after his future wifes future boyfriend, and lays him out with several clotheslines. Kane saves him, but heel miscommunication happens, resulting in Kane choke tossing Test over the top and out of the match at 1:36. Triple H and X-Pac then double clothesline Kane out at 1:41, and Boss Man dumps out X-Pac after 2 seconds later (say 1:43). Triple H and Boss Man exchange blows, with Trips coming out on top (as usual). Irish whip, and Hunter with an elbow, followed by some crotch chopping. Elimination attempt, and out comes #9 Vince McMahon, unannounced, and unknown to the two in the ring... well, for about 5 seconds. Boss Man nails Trips from behind as McMahon waits outside the ring. Vince eventually comes in, and dumps both Boss Man and Triple H at 3:11, then tears off his shirt that is cut like it was Hulk Hogans. Now Chyna comes out (I guess as #10), lays out Patterson and Brisco, then with the helpful distraction of Steve Austin, eliminates McMahon at 4:50, making her the #30 Entrant in the real Rumble Match. N/R But before the PPV even begins, this gives me 10 Cock-Punches, just for the fact they Russo Sweved us TWICE in 1 match, and had a WOMAN tarnish a mans sport by being in the Rumble.
- Commentary is being done by Michael Cole (who was being fed lines by a sick Jim Ross) and Jerry Lawler, guaranteing me a headache 20 minutes into the show. 1 Cock-Punch for putting Cole and Lawler on a PPV together for longer than 10 seconds.
- The Unproclaimed Battle of Georgia:
"Road Dogg" Jesse James vs. Big Boss Man:
Road Dogg is the the Hardcore Champion, recently beating Boss Man for it, and Boss Man is co-holder of the Tag Team Titles, so naturally, neither titles are being defended tonight. Funny how Brian Armstrong (Jesse James) was the most charismatic of his family, but had as much wrestling talent as a crippled monkey on crack. I don't know, maybe the monkey was his dealer, but he sure wasn't a good wrestler. Boss Man seemingly got WORSE in the ring when he lost weight, and was a better wrestler when he was fatter... go figure. Road Dogg is the Attitude Era Version of Marty Jannetty.. he's just so easy to pick on, it's not even funny. OK it is funny, but I'm trying to be nice. Lockup to start, and Boss Man throws Dogg down like he was a hooker after sex. Holy crap, did Mike Chioda color his hair BLACK for this show? He looks like Mike Sanders in the Spring 2003... fucking funny. Dogg catches Boss Man off guard with a roundhouse right, then dances. Boss Man throws Dogg into the corner, and punchs him in the mouth a few times. Irish whip to the corner, and Boss Man follows in with an avalanche. Boss Man chokes, then talks smack to the crowd. Irish whip to the corner, but this time Boss Man crotches himself, allowing for some fun with the ropes. Road Dogg with mounted punches in the corner and I'm still waiting for the first wrestling move of the match. Dogg with a dropkick to the amazement of me, then he goes outside to take a breather. Road Dogg trips up Boss Man and crotches him on the steel post behind the referees back. Four minutes into this, and we still keep getting punches, and this crowd is quite... not happy. Irish whip to the corner, and Boss Man charges out with a back elbow, sending Dogg out of the ring. Boss Man follows him out, and does more punching before tossing the D-O-double-G back into the ring. Road Dogg eats turnbuckle, and Boss Man with a series of short rights to the side of the face. The former Roadie with a boot to the midsection, but MORE punching. Boss Man pokes Road Dogg in the eyes to prevent a comeback, then nails him in the mouth with a big boot, followed by some posing. Irish whip to the corner, and Dogg does the over-sell created by Bret Hart for a two count. Irish whip, and the Boss Man applies a bearhug as I fast forward this shit. Road Dogg fights free with a bite on the nose, and really, the only move so far has been a fucking bearhug. Boss Man chokes on the Dogg, then unties the top turnbuckle in one of the corners. Boss Man scoops up the Dogg and plants him with a spinebuster for a two count. Boss Man rides Road Dogg in the corner (quite literally) and Buster Douglas' him. Depending on the fight, use your best judgment of which guy I'm talking about. Boss Man continues the beating, then nails the signature splash across the second rope. Dogg comes back with a sleeper hold (maybe this match applied it on me), but it's broken up quite easily. Back breaker by the Boss Man, and he goes up top, and you can guess what happens to him. Both men exchange punches (of course), and Dogg does his signature jabs and dancing. Butt splash by Road Dogg, and he nails the Flying Jalupeņo followed by the Shake Rattle N' Roll knee drop for two. Boss Man finishes him though with the Sidewalk Slam seconds later at 11:50. DUD Horrible match... just flat out horrible. Let's see... 12 Cock-Punches for every excruciating minute (rounded off), followed by another 5 for having a Non-Title Match when the champion is in the match... that's 17 Cock-Punches for this match alone. I guess I'm lucky I didn't get one punch per punch thrown in this match, or I'd be dead already.
- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
Ken Shamrock © vs. "Bad Ass" Billy Gunn:
Oh boy, I smell classic here, if classic's new definition is "stinking pile of monkey feces." Shamrock is an average at BEST wrestler, and Billy Gunn has sucked for his entire career, so excuse me if I don't care. Billy Gunn got this by pissing off Shamrock, when he moon'ed his "sister" at ringside, which lead to a teased incest angle with the "Shamrocks." For the angle, I get 2 more Cock-Punches. Shamrock charges the ring, which results in blows being exchanged. Gunn with a clothesline, and he hammers away on Shamrock. Single leg trip by Shamrock, and now they roll around brawling. Gunn with stomps to the midsection, but Shamrock comes back with blows inb the corner. Irish whip to the corner, and Shamrock connects with a clothesline. Irish whip again, but this time Gunn returns the favor for a two count. Gunn applies a reverse chinlock already (damn, blown up in 80 seconds). Gunn with a suplex, and we get an unwanted look at Shamrocks pubic hair for a two count. DAMN YOU GUNN! Irish whip to the corner, but Gunn takes too long to do something and posts his shoulder,. Shamrock kicks Gunn in the ass a few times, followed by a knee lift. Shamrock with a scoop slam, followed by a knee drop across the face. Shamrock does something every wants to do, kicking Gunn in the face. Shamrock slows down the pace (now there's a surprise) and works over the back of Gunn, although his main move works the ankle, and Gunn hurt his SHOULDER. Shamrock with a spinning heel kick for a two count. Irish whip and Gunn nails the Fame-Ass-Er, and now both men are down, until Gunn recovers to cover for a count of two. Gunn with several boots to the chest, followed by mounted punching in the corner. Gunn charges, but gets dumped over the top rope... wrong match Shamrock. Gunn takes a beating while a bunch of morons scream words of encouragment... or insults, they are pretty incoherent. Shamrock gets pissed though, and rams Mr. Ass face first into the steel post. Gunn then eats steel steps, but Shamrock is too busy stalling for time by getting in the face of some ugly fans. Shamrock gives Gunn a seat, then tosses him up to the apron. Gunn fights back, and bulldogs Shamrock off the apron, and face first into the announcers table. Back inside the ring (FINALLY), and Gunn covers Shammy for a two count. Gunn steals Triple H's knee to the face-buster, but Shamrock heel kicks the knee of Gunn, then stomps away again. Shamrock with a knee across the back of the leg, then repeats it with even more pressure added. Sit-down splash across the bottom rope by Shamrock. The working over of the knee continues, and Shamrock says "I Smell Blood" while Michael Cole makes a dumbass comment about surgeons... I'm not surprised either. Cole tries saying Gunn has never submitted, but he seems to forge those three or four times Shamrock made Gunn tap in 1997. Shamrock applies a front facelock as I start to lose interest in this match. Gunn fights free and rolls up Shamrock out of nowhere for a two count. Shamrock with a Fisherman Suplex for his own two count. Shamrock with kicks to the "injured" leg of Billy Gunn, followed by more in the corner. Irish whip is reversed, and Shamrock accidentally clotheslines the referee. Double clothesline spot, and now everyone is down and out. Out comes Val Venis, and he takes out Shamrock with a DDT to a pretty good pop. Gunn slowly crawls over, but that only gets a two count. Wow, the crowd was actually into that fall, too. Irish whip, and Gunn with a diving back elbow. Irish whip to the corner, and Gunn nails the pump forearm. Scoop slam by Gunn, but he comes off the top rope, missing a whatever. Gunn sells the ankle, and Shamrock goes and applies the Ankle Lock, and thats enough for the win at 14:23. * Not as bad as the previous match, but who gave BILLY GUNN a 15:00 match on PPV (or period)? Let's see... 1 punch for pubic visual of Shammy, 1 for illogical heel working over of wrong body part, 1 for Cole being stupid, 1 for a referee bump, and 1 nonsensical run in... that's 5 more Cock-Punches for yours truly, plus the 2 from earlier.
- WWF European Championship Match:
X-Pac © vs. Gangrel:
Woah, we might actually get a good match here, depending on how much drugs Waltman is on, and how much Gangrel ate from the buffet. I've said it before and I'll say it again... Gangrel has the most awesome entrance ever... in the Attitude era. I don't know if it's my tape or not, but the crowd seems pretty dead... figures. I think they are in Anahiem or some other shitty city. Lockup to start, and X-Pac applies a standing side headlock. Irish whip, and Gangrel with a shoulder block. Criss cross sequence, and X-Pac finishes it with an arm drag, followed by some crotch chopping. Lockup, and Gangrel with a side headlock. Reveral sequence leads to an arm drag by X-Pac, and he drops a leg for a two count. X-Pac with his signature shitty kicks in the corner, followed by a whip to the corner. X-Pac misses a charge (crotch first), and Gangrel follows with a splash, followed by a tiger suplex for a two count. Gangrel press slams X-Pac across the top rope and covers for another two count, then applies a reverse chinlock. X-Pac fights free with elbows to the midsection, but Gangrel press slams him into the sky and drops him on his face for a two count. Gangrel goes to the top rope, but misses an elbow drop. X-Pac with a series of rights, followed by a spinning heel kick. Irish whip, and X-Pac with a flipping clothesline for a two count. Irish whip is countered, but X-Pac connects with the heel kick to the face. Mounted punches in the corner by X-Pac, followed by an elbow to the top of the head. Bronco Buster time, and damn what a stupid move this is. Gangrel eats another heel kick (X-Pac ran out of moves), but crotches X-Pac on the top rope moments later. X-Pac fights him off and comes down with a cross body, but thats countered... for three? Teddy Long fucked up, and the crowd reminds him of it. Gangrel with a powerslam for a two count in the meantime. Irish whip, and X-Pac with a boot to the face, followed by the X-Factor out of nowhere for three at 5:53. **1/4 Brutally short match, but at least it was good enough. I would give this 1 punch for the botched three count, but I'll give myself 3 hours of massage therapy to sooth my pain.
[The Bitter-Clip-Job as I'm pretending to be Coliseum Video and cutting out the Womens Title crap, because for one, it was a horrible "Gimmick" match with a stupid finish, and two, the Womens division is a pile of shit that no average wrestling fan in america cares about, and only care about seeing tits, not women try (and fail) to have a wrestling match]
- WWF World Championship; I Quit Match:
Mankind © vs. The Rock:
We all know the set up... Mankind upsets The Rock for the Title on the 1/4/99 RAW with the help of Steve Austin, then baited him into a I Quit Match, with Corporate Members barred from ringside. The odds are a LITTLE bit uneven in Foley's favor, aren't they? I smell SWERVE~! This also is another Mankind match that gets way too much praise because of certain events that take place. Also, what is up with the Rock? Was there a reason he wore the track suit for like 2 months in 1999 in his matches? Mankind prevents a sneak attack and hammers away on the Rock in the corner. Irish whip, and Mankind follows with a clothesline, followed by more punches and a running knee to the face. Rock refuses to quit, then hammers away on Mankind. Mankind fights back and sends Rocky to the corner, and follows with a bulldog headlock. Mankind with mounted punches, but the Rock, in not so many words, says he won't quit. Mankind nails Rocky with the microphone across the head a few times, and asks him once again, but Rocky just says he'll kick his fat ass. Mankind with his signature clothesline over the top rope, followed by some punishment on the outside. Rocky reverses an Irish whip, causing Mankind to crash knees first into the steel steps. Rock then steals the headset of Michael Cole (WOO!), then does some trash talking. Mankind nails him with a clothesline, followed by some punching. Rocky eats the time keepers table, and Mankind follows with a chair shot across the back. Rocky tells Mankind to kiss his ass in response to wanting to quit. Back inside the ring, and Mankind nails the double arm DDT. Foley calls for Mr. Socko and applies the Mandible Claw, but how does that help in this match? RING THE FU... oh sorry, wrong match. Mankind kicks away at the face of the Rock, and I think I caught a glimpse of Foley's (too hot for him) wife, but she's dressed rather sloppy I think. Mankind beats on Rocky, but gets hip tossed over the security rail (Cole calls it a powerslam). Rock sends Foley into the ring steps, then rings the bell next to his ears, and in between the shots, sings on the microphone. OK, that was quie humorous. Get it? Hugh Morrus! HAHAHA, I kill myself... onto the Spanish announce table, but Foley's fat ass collapses the table on a Rock Bottom attempt. Mankind won't quit, but tells Rocky to shove it... in other words. Rocky spits water in Foley's face, which just triggers him to fight back. They fight around the ring and up the aisle. Mankind with a forearm to the back of the head, then kicks him in the face after a few signs are thrown on the Rock. Rocky rakes the eyes of Foley, and they brawl near the sound equipment. Rocky with a DDT out of nowhere on the concrete, but Foley won't quit. The crowd, if I'm not mistaken, starts chanting "Rocky", but it could be "Socko" or something. Rock brings a ladder out, but Mankind slams it on him, but that doesn't get a quit out of the Rock either. Mankind charges, but misses an elbow onto the ladder. Rocky then starts climbing the ladder up into the crowd section, and Mankind follows. Then in useless bump #1, Rocky knocks Mankind off, who falls onto a bunch of equipment that "short circuits" (even the ones he didn't even TOUCH), and the "power" in the arena goes out for a few moments. Shane McMahon then comes out for some pity, but the Rock won't hear none of that! The Rock pounds on Foley more, and that's pretty much the rest of the match. Back inside the ring we go, and the Rock brings out a pair of handcuffs. Rocky stomps away on Mankinds defenseless body, and... does it some more. Mankind with a low blow, followed by a boot to the midsection and to the face. Mankind bites away on the Rock, and drops a knee into the Brahma Balls. Rock comes back though with a clothesline, then goes outside for a steel chair. Short and Sweet: Rocky with a corporate elbow on the chair to Mankinds face (yeah, that will shatter a skull... stupid Cole), followed by a grand total of 10 chair shots to the head and back, finally knocking Foley out, which results in a pre-recorded interview of Foley to play over the PA system, where he screamed "I Quit" several times. Damn this seemed so fake... Fall came at around 21:50. ** Well this was a pretty dull. ECW style brawl (i.e. crap) that lead to a bunch of nothing and a shitty finish. No punches for Mankinds balls here, but 5 for the stupid finish to me.
- 30 "Man" Royal Rumble Match:
This year the intervials are "equally time", meaning somewhere between 90 seconds and two minutes, depending on how sleepy the guy keeping track of the timer is. For those who need a reminder, Steve Austin and Vince McMahon are the only people you need to care about in this Rumble Match, and seriously, everyone else is a complete afterthought. I swear, I didn't even know who was in the match until the day of the event, thats how much WWE cared to promote the participants. This match is going to be BRUTAL to review, so bear with me as I might need a penis replacement or two following it. #1 is, of course, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, and #2 is Vince McMahon, roided out of his mind. Austin hammers away on McMahon to start, and stomps a mudhole in him moments after to a monster pop. Austin with the double bird, followed by a scoop slam. Austin with a boot to the midsection (probably breaking something in the process), followed by some stalling. Make that a lot of stalling. Austin teases eliminating McMahon, but holds back and drills him with a clothesline.
#3 is Golga (a.k.a John Tenta, Earthquake, Avalanche, Shark) but he waits in the aisle before entering. Austin with a Lou Thesz press to McMahon, and now Golga comes in to hammer away on Austin. That doesn't last long, and Austin dumps him at 2:17 while McMahon crawls out of the ring and goes out through the crowd, and Austin soon follows. They brawl up into the crowd and to the backstage areas. #4 is Darren Drozdov (dressed like a Road Warrior), but the ring is empty, so we get 90 seconds of dead time for the live crowd while the Austin/McMahon stuff continues (what I think was pre-taped). Anyway, they go into the Womens bathroom, where the Corporation ambush Austin.
#5 is Edge (before he had much heat and was part of the Brood), and he takes down Droz with a cross body press, followed by punches and some psycho screaming. Irish whip, and Droz bounces off the ropes with a back elbow, and now hammers away on Edge with punches of his own. Edge is rammed into the buckle, and now we get hugging in the ropes to kill for time. Someone should've told Droz that 1-on-1 situations in Rumbles should be for actual WRESTLING. While I'm on that, Edge does the same damn thing. Irish whip, and Edge with a dropkick. #6 is Gillberg (Duane Gill mocking Goldberg, and damn funny too). His entrance takes about a minute, and as soon as he enters, he poses in the ropes, allowing Edge to push him over the top rope at 6:49. Droz drops Edge with a clothesline as we cut backstage were we find Austin knocked out. Nothing of note happens in the ring as Droz attempts to toss Edge once again. Irish whip to the corner, and Edge misses a charge, and more hugging follows. #7 is Steve Blackman, who is also not very over. He attacks Droz with weak kicks and elbows across the back. Cut back to Austin AGAIN... now that is pissing me off. Edge saves Droz from elimination and pounds away on Blackman. he fights back though with more weak kicks and a dropkick to Edge, but Droz attacks from behind. This crowd is legally dead right now. More 2-on-1 stuff happens until the next entrant.
#8 is Dan "The Beast" Severn (using the Dr. Death theme from Attitude), and he also isn't very over. He takes Blackman down with a wiastlock takedown, then works him over on the mat. Blackman fights back and rams Severn to the buckle as we get an "Austin" chant, because the crowd is just tired of this crap. We actually paid $30 to see Austin get loaded into a fucking Ambulance? Back to the match, and the parings are Blackman/Severn and Edge/Droz hugging near the ropes. #9 is Tiger Ali Singh, the (very) heatless version of Muhammad Hassan of today. Of course, we cut to the Ambulance driving away instead of watching a horrible Rumble match. Singh is down in pain when we come back, with Severn working over Droz in the ropes and Edge standing around looking for women to cheat with. Edge whipped to the ropes, and Singh with a press slam, but Edge escapes and attempts an elimination, but that doesn't work. #10 is The Blue Meanie, fresh from wherever the hell he came from and a member of the JOB Squad. Singh stomps away on him to start, then does shitty punches. Irish whip, and Meanie with a clothesline, followed by fat man dancing. Severn (still in gray shirt) hammers on Blackman, and now Droz and Edge work over Meanie with chops. Singh and Severn double team Blackman in one corner while the Meanie beating continues in the other.
#11 is... Headbanger Mosh, but he's taken out by the returning MABEL, so Mabel comes out in his place. Just what the world wanted... oh wait, WWE brought him back AGAIN late last year, I forgot. Lots of nothing happens in the ring, and here comes a fat nothing. Mabel quickly eliminates Dan Severn and Steve Blackman at the same time at 15:41, then hammers on Singh and clotheslines him out at 15:47. Meanie tries his luck, but Mabel isn't selling, so Mabel kills him with a clothesline and dumps him at 16:07, and then dumps Droz out moments later at 16:09. #12 is Road Dogg (Finally the crowd pops), and he hammers away on Edge, then low blows Viscera. Edge gets back dropped to the apron, but Dogg elbows him off and into the table at 16:33. The lights go out... and suddenly the Undertakers music plays. Apparently Mabel was eliminated by Mideon and the Acolytes (around 16:50), but I feel they did that because Mabel wasn't physically fit enough to bump over the top rope. Undertaker comes out now and scares the piss out of Viscera... Okay. More dead time in the ring since this interval seems to clock in much longer than the others. #13 is Gangrel to avenge Edge being eliminated moments earlier. Too bad Road Dogg makes him his bitch, and tosses the Vampire Warrior 20 seocnds later at 19:16. Who did Gangrel piss off this night? First jobbing to X-Sack for the European Title, and now eliminated in half-a-minute by the Road Dogg. #14 is Kurrgan, who looks like a complete bufoon in that outfit. Kurrgan no sells and drops the Dogg with a clothesline. Kurrgan sends him to the corner, and nails a series of knees to the midsection, followed by the one wrestling move he knows, the side suplex. Kurrgan with some headbutts as the crowd dies once again, then chokes Road Dogg, Kevin Nash style. Bunch of punching once again...
#15 is Al Snow, who is the 3rd member of the JOB Squad to be in this match. Snow hammers away on Kurrgan with knees and rights, and Dogg comes over to help him out. The double teaming continues, but Road Dogg lets Snow handle it himself. Snow does the stupid thing by standing on the ropes, allowing Road Dogg to simply push him over for the elimination at 22:16. Road Dogg continues pounding Kurrgan, but that doesn't last too long. Irish whip to the corner, and Kurrgan with a horrible done charing spot. #16 is Goldust, who was... something, I don't know. He wasn't a heel, wasn't a face, and wasn't doing anything in between. Goldust takes down Road Dogg with a clothesline, but Kurrgan prevents the shattered dreams. Goldust clotheslines Kurrgan, then does a horrible looking DDT. Road Dogg hammers on Goldust, then gives Kurrgan a punch to the nose for no real reason. Dogg then goes for the shattered dreams on Goldust, but Kurrgan makes the save long enough for him to low blow Roadie. $17 is the Godfather, with some really skank looking ho's. His entrance takes forever as a bunch of nothing happens in the ring. Godfather FINALLY eneters the ring, and this is sad to say, but Dustin Rhodes is the best worker in the ring right now. Goldust works over the Godfather while Kurrgan does stuff to Road Dogg.
#18 is KAAAAAAAAAAANE~!, and it's now time to clean up the fuckin' house. The crowd finally wakes up after a long session of taking a nap. Kane simply tosses Road Dogg over and out at 26:51, then clotheslines Kurrgan out at 26:53, clotheslines the Godfather out at 28:59, and then choke tosses Goldust over the top rope at 27:06 to clear the ring of all the garbage. Then in a move so stupid, the men in the white shirts coe out to net Kane, but he fights them off and chokeslams the sole black man in the group. Kane then steps over the top rope and eliminate himself at 27:38, giving as ANOTHER period of dead time in the ring. #19 is Ken Shamrock, but he has no one to wrestle, so Vince McMahon comes out to do guest commentary with Lawler and Cole. Who knew McMahon would ever be the best of the trio in commentary? #20 is Billy Gunn (minus a boot), to continue the snore-fest from earlier in the show. Shamrock kicks the foot from under Gunn's foot, and damn, he has an ugly foot. Gunn ducks a high kick and takes Shamrock down with a back suplex. Press slam by Gunn, and he drops Shamrock across the top rope. Shamrock gets dumped, but he hangs onto the top rope. Shamrock with a takedown to the ankle of Gunn, followed by a knee across the knee. #21 is Test, before he had ANY kind of heat... or any kind of anything for that matter. However, he sucks, so we see Mabel get beaten into a hearse by the Ministry. And in coincidence du jour, Austin drives an Ambulance by at the same moment that happens. Austin WALKING~! is far more important than the match. Gunn with a double low blow to Tits and Shamrock, followed by a double clothesline. #22 is Big Boss Man, but Austin comes out first, thus delaying Boss Mans entrance for a moment. Austin chases McMahon around and into the ring, but Shamrock cuts him off. Sorry Shammy, but you are eliminated at 33:27, courtesy of Stone Cold. Boss Man hammers away on Austin while Test and Gunn try doing something in the corner. Boss Man chokes down Stone Cold with what looks like a piece of tape, but Austin breaks it up with a low blow.
#23 is Triple H, and he makes the save of Billy Gunn by beating on the man that would eventually be engaged to his eventual even further in the future wife. Gunn goes after Austin, but a one legged man in an ass kicking contest is useless. Boss Man tries dumping Austin now, but Triple H makes the save to try it himself. Austin with a series of elbows to Gunn, followed by a nasty clothesline and elbow drop. Boss Man drops Austin afterwards. #24 is Val Venis, and when was he over enough to get this high of a number? Triple H takes him on for having long hair like him while Test takes down Austin with a big boot. Gunn tries his luck on Austin again, but Austin kicks him in the injured ankle and tosses him out at 36:59. Didn't we get the same spot in the 2001 Rumble? Austin, Triple H, and Boss Man all hug near the ropes as Test clotheslines Venis. #25 is X-Pac, and he goes after Test. He sends Test to the buckle while Venis comes off the rop with an axehandle to Austin. Boss Man chokes Triple H across the middle rope, and Venis does the same to Austin with his boot. X-Pac hammers on Test, and I really need some alcohol or drugs to get me through this. Boss Man looks to be jerking off Triple H as Austin beats on X-Pac. X-Pac drops him with a spinning heel kick, though. #26 is "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry, and he gets little to no reaction, depending on which ear I use. We get a reminder of the Sammy angle that recently happend, thanks to Jerry Lawler. Henry and Boss Man work over Austin as the crowd continues to "play" dead. X-Pac goes back to work on Austin in one corner, while in another, the epic encounter between Venis and Test continues.
#27 is Jeff Jarrett, and Debra gets a nice pop, despite being pretty old looking, and not being that good looking period. Jarrett goes after X-Pac right away, then hammers on Test, and then teams up with Venis to stomp on the guy who held him down in WWE. Hunter and X-Pac double team Jarrett, but X-Pac takes out Hunter with a spinning heel kick. Bronco Buster to Boss Man, and Hunter with a back suplex to Venis. Someone screamed a spot about "hanging on" pretty loud while nothing of note happens. #28 is D'lo Brown, with PMS in tow (and Terri wearing a pretty skimpy top that leaves very little to the imagination, and I think she's high here). Brown goes after Austin, but Test cuts him off, because they had to fight before the Wrestlemania XV Tag Match. Speaking of Test, Austin dumps him at 43:22. Boss Man then dumps X-Pac pretty tough looking at 43:30. Henry and Brown dobule team Venis for no reason, while Jarrett and Boss Man double team Austin. Hunter whips Henry to the corner, but he comes charging back with a clothesline. Austin fights free of the double teaming, but Jarrett drops him with a dropkick. Irish whip is reversed, and Austin with a Lou Thesz Press. Hunter comes out of nowhere and tossess Jarrett at 44:56. #29 is Owen Hart, and suddenly the crowd goes nuts... for Jarrett being elimination, or for Owen? I never thought the crowd cared much for either. Owen and Brown double team on Austin (Owen 3:16!), but Triple H breaks that up. Austin comes outside for a drink of water, then throws the pitcher at McMahon. Owen works on Boss Man in the corner because it's every man for himself. Brown gives Austin a wedgie, but fails at eliminating him. Henry with a big splash to Triple H, as the ticker counts down 1 last time.
#30 is Chyna (blech), and our final field looks pretty shitty, with only one really logical pick to win the match. Chyna works over Mark Henry with shitty looking punches and stiff kicks in the corner, then she dumps him out at 47:27 (or he eliminated himself by the looks of it). Austin then nails Chyna with a clothesline, taking her out at 47:37 to a big pop. Thank God... but Triple H ias pissed off, and beats the crap out of Austin in the corner. Owen comes over now to work on Austin, but Hunter shoves him off. Irish whip, and Hunter with a knee to the face. venis saves Austin, then tries to eliminate him himself, but Helmsley eliminates Venis at 48:47. Austin with a Stunner to Hunter, but he doesn't sell, and gets clotheslined out right after at 48:55. So the final four is Steve Austin, Big Boss Man, D'Lo Brown, and Owen Hart. Two out of four ain't bad, I guess. In a weird spot, the heels and faces fight each other. Brown with a heel kick to Austin to absolutely zero reaction, followed by choking. Boss Man sends Owen to the corner and tries an elimination, but that fails. Brown misses a dropkick, and Austin connects with an elbow drop. A lot of hugging in the ropes follows from all four men, as I finally hit the fast forward button. Owen with an enziguri to Austin to a big pop from me, but he misses a charge and is gone at 51:43. Boss Man drops Austin and punches him in the mouth. Brown to the top rope with a Frog Splash to Austin, but Boss Man dumps him at 52:13. Austin with a Stunner to Boss Man, and it's the same thing as with Hunter, and he's gone at 52:22, leaving Austin and McMahon. McMahon tries cheap shotting Austin, but that doesn't work, so Austin beats him up. Austin destroys McMahon with a steel chair, then finally tosses him back into the ring. McMahon with a desperation low blow to Austin for his first real offense of the match. Austin no sells though, and nails the Stunner. Rocky comes out now to distract Austin, allowing McMahon to sneak up from behind and eliminate Austin, and VINCE McMAHON wins the Rumble Match at 56:35. *1/2 Worst Rumble Match I have ever seen, and 1995 isn't too high on my list either. Just a horribly booked mess that made no sense, and with a predictable winner that leads into a stupid swerve from Vince Russo. So now, let's add up the tally... 2 punches for dead spot #1, 10 for Austin and the backstage crap, 2 for Mabel returning, 5 for Undertaker crap, 2 for dead spot #2, and a whopping 25 for McMahon winning the match. So let's see... that's 46 Cock-Punches in this match alone, almost 1 every minute.
Final Thoughts: Worst PPV of 1999, without a doubt. I don't care what anyone says, but a Big 5 PPV shouldn't have a MOTN be barely **. That's just fucking wrong. And with a grand total of around 85 punches to my penis, that is going to require a hell of a lot of ice packets. This show is a perfect explanation of what was wrong in wrestling in 1999, especially when Vince Russo was around. Matches that made no sense, title switches every week, swerves left and right, nonsense booking and angles, etc. etc. I could go on all night, but short and sweet, Strongest Recommendation to Avoid.