- The Legend of Zelda... now THAT is a title that really needs no explanation I hope. In a lazy as hell introduction, the Legend of Zelda is based in the magical world of Hyrule. The main characters are Princess Zelda, Link, Ganon, and the forever troubled Triforce. In the original Zelda game, you must recover the 7 pieces of the Triforce scattered around Hyrule, and then defeat the evil ganon (a Warthog like creature with magic powers) to rescue the Princess. The game has produced AT LEAST 15 games over the years (Adventures of Link, A Link to the Past, Oracles of Ages/Seasons, Ocarina of Time, Majoras Mask, The Wind Waker, The Four Swords, The Minnish Cap, countless other Gameboy and Nintendo versions), and not one of them actually sucked. In 1989, the DiC company (known for many cheesy 80's cartoons) was given the task to create a television show titled "The Super Mario Brothers Super Show", which starred former wrestling manager Captain Lou Albano as "Mario Mario." From Monday through Thursday, the show would feature live action, and followed with cartoons based on Super Mario Brothers 2. On fridays however, they would replace the Mario cartoon with the Legend of Zelda series, which ran until December of 1989. This DVD only covers the first three episodes (bitches), so let's see where they stand today.
Episode #1: The Ringer:
Written by Bob Forward
The first episode of the 13 episode from the one and only seasons of the Legend of Zelda, originally aired on September 8th, 1989 as part of the Super Mario Brothers Super Show, every friday. We get our first adult inuendo as Link makes a comment about Zeldas cleavage, which is kinda weird for a show directed at little kids on their way home from school. The animators piss me off already, as Link spends most of the first five minutes in a VERY short shirt that exposes his girly legs, and all around makes him look like a queer. After a fight with three Moblins who are after the Triforce of Wisdom (in possession of Zelda), Zelda smacks the taste out of his mouth for being a pig. I forgot to mention one of the Moblins leaves some kind of magic bow behind. I thought they carried boomerangs in the game... (checks) nevermind, they hurl spears. RACISM! Sorry, being one of those ignorant dick heads who find racism in everything. I might also add, the Legend of Zelda theme is SO fucking catchy, that I've been humming it all week. Zelda is judging an amatuer magicians contest later on in Hyrule kingdom, meanwhile, Ganon (the possessor of the Triforce of Power), is plotting out to get himself the other piece of Triforce, and also destroys the three Moblins who failed the mission. Ganon dresses up in a disguise that would only fool the people that don't know Superman is Clark Kent, and has a bunch of Stalfose (Skeletons) carry him to the Hyrule Palace, like he's the king of WWE.
Back at the Castle... one contestant uses magic to make a tomatoe grow, and give Zelda a facial in the process. Two paragraphs in, and I'm already making vulgar comments about a kid show. Ganon shows up, but Zelda is oblivious to the fact it's him. Ganon soon turns a common canary into a bat, to scout the area for the Triforce of Wisdom. The second contestant says he has a spell to get the STANK out of his socks. Back in Links quarters, Spryte (the fairy) hits on Link (kid show dammit!) but Link passes on three inch poontang. There I go again... anyway, Ganon uses his power to turn a common lizard into a Dragon, which you might remember as Aquamentus, the first boss in the original Legend of Zelda. Link goes to the rescue, and easily dispatches of the dragon with three blasts of his magic sword, reflecting them off a steel plate into the beast. We even get the sound effects of the sword, and the disposal of the character, like in the game. Link also continues over abusing his catch phrase, "Excuuuuuuuse me, Princess."
Ganon gets his hands on the Triforce, and dispatches of Spryte, who gives us a revealing shot of herself... I swear, some porn addict animated and created this show. Ganon makes a run for it, but thanks to the growing spell, they turn a nut into a tree, and Link and Zelda slingshot themselves in the path of Ganon. Link takes out one of the Stalfoses, which results in Ganon calling back up. Link gives Zelda the magic bow and they go at it... with the Stalfoses. After they get their ass kicked, Ganon tells them to fight in a mannor so amusing, it makes me piss myself. Ganon SHADOW BOXES, and could easily win the Contender, starring Sugar Rey Leonard and Rocky Rambo, every sunday on NBC at 8 pm. Check your local listings for channel. Anyway, Link recovers the Trifoce of Wisdom after blowing up Ganon in his little tunnel, but Spryte commits dick tease by cutting off his kiss with Zelda to end the show.
Episode #2: Cold Spells:
Written by Phil Harnage
Originally aired on September 15th, 1989. It's the first day of Spring in Hyrule, and you know what that means? SPRING CLEANING MOTHERFUCKERS! Zelda lures Link into her trap, and forces him to start mopping up what looks like the kitchen, or maybe the dining room. Link instead of growing a set, pretends he's sick, which gets the sympathy of Spryte. The Triforce of Wisdom gives Zelda advice, but an evil Vulture comes in through the window (a character I don't recognize), but falls to doom as Zelda stuffs it into Links pile of dirty clothes. Link comes in seeing Zelda on his bed, and gets the first instinct any real man would... but Zelda moves, and Spryte comes in as Link goes back to faking sick. Zelda calls him out on bullshit, but then tells Spryte to get back to work and let Link rest.
Back in Ganons evil dome of terror, the Vulture confirms the cleaning to Ganon, who summons a giant... crab like creature, and rides it (...) to Hyrule. Meanwhile, Sprtye uses her magic to clean out the dust of a carpet, but that gives Ganon an idea... and apparently casts a spell on her, as she fondles some balls... but they turn out to be Oranges. Back in Links room, he pretends to fight, and kicks his chair. Spryte comes back with an orange for him as he dives into bed. Link decides to toss the orange away while Zelda gives Spryte orders as if shes the wicked step sisters slave. In a scene that reminds me of a Mickey Mouse short (The Sorcerers Apprentice), she casts a spell on everything to clean up the room, which ends up flooding the room, and has Sprtye attacked by a dish rag.
The water takes out Link and Zelda (who makes a stupid joke about a Royal Flush), and hands Zelda what looks like several rolled up joints in rainbow colors. Ganon once again claims possession of the Triforce of Wisdom as we go to a commercial. Zelda uses her magic bows and boomerangs while the mops beat the shit out of Link, who is forced to admit not being sick. Some hero Link is, getting his ass kicked by inanimate objects and being saved by a girl. Link and Zelda must go down into the evil fortress of Ganons, and are quickly attacked by tree branch like objects. They then fall down a trap door, and are quickly attacked by (what is finally named) the Gohma (the crab thing from earlier). Spryte make the save, and Zelda nails Ganon with a magic arrow, causing him to fade to blue and blast the fortress. Zelda tries making the save for the Triforce of Power, but the roof caves in the throne room, and all is safe and normal... except it's time to clean again. Whatabitch.
Episode #3: The White Knight
Written by Bob Forward
Originally aired on September 22nd, 1989. Somewhere in Hyrule, Link admires someone shoeing a horse, but some evil creatures resembling the Armoses come from underground to attack Hyrule. Link kicks ass for a few moments but it takes quite a few sword blasts to take out one, and recovers a crossbow from the fallen enemy. One of the Armos puts link in the Full Nelson, but he kicks someone in the balls before getting tripped up. A giant Octopus creature Zelda calls an "Octoran" attacks Link, however, some pussy in all white comes to the rescue and Zelda quickly falls for him. Link finally drops the "Catchphrase" after going an entire episode without saying it once, and he's forced to walk back to the Castle. Apparently, the guy is named Prince Facade, but he doesn't want to touch Links dirty hand... FORSHADOWING! The Prince of Fag takes the giant jewel left behind, because he really needed it...
Back at Ganon's evil hideout, he plans about kidnapping Zelda, because he knows a weakness about Facade, which is being afraid of going near dirt. So he's the cartoon version of the Double Dare host and Bob Sagots character in Full House? We get the first appearence of King Harkinian, and he's one of those dumbass people. Spryte walks in on Link taking a bath in what looks like a pot, and whats funnier is he's sutting up when the thing is clearly no more than a foot high... Spryte wants some of Link, but this is a childrens show, so Link threatens her with a brush. Link dresses up like a complete moron and falls on his face as Facade and Zelda laugh like they are about to piss themselves. Link gets pissy about the situation, and decides to leave Hyrule... of course, we all know he'll be coming back. Link then jumps out the window, bounces off a tent, and lands on his horse in a move that would break someones balls in real life.
Ganon summons Moblins, Tectites (the spider-like creatures), and Zoras to capture Zeldaand take out Facade. When the Zora takes hold of Zelda (after giving us an 18th century panty shot), he goes through the muck of the river, which makes Facade piss himself and prove he isn't a real man. Ganon summons an evil transport in the river for the Zora to pass through with his kidnapee. However, Link comes to the rescue (WELL DUH~!) and runs through the mud like it's nothing, and blocks a breath blast before taking the Zora out with three shots of his magic sword. Afterwards, Link and Zelda send Prince(ss) Facade into the mud, but we still don't get the makeout scene that would probably happen today. In the right animation, Facade kinda resembles Ken Masters of Street Fighter. We even get the closing credits of the Mario Brothers Super Show to end the stuff.
Bonus Features (2 episodes of Sonic Underground):
(Text Taken from TVTome's Sonic Underground home page because I have no fucking clue about this shit-ass show)
"Sonic Underground premiered in 1999, and is the third U.S animated adventure to feature Sonic The Hedgehog, as with the previous two series, this show takes a slightly different direction and tone.
This time, Sonic is one of three siblings, who together, are known as the hit rock band "Sonic Underground". In addition to being a rock band, the siblings are also the children of Aleena, queen of Mobius, who hid her kin away at an early age to keep them safe from the evil dictator who overthrew her: Sonic's age-old enemy, Dr. Robotnik.
Robotnik learns of a prophecy that the hedgehogs will one day defeat him, find their mother, and restore peace to the planet. He immediately schemes to ensure the super-charged siblings do not fulfil this premonition. But with the aid of powerful medallions, Sonic, his brother Manic, and their sister Sonia, are determined to take the fight to Robotnik and his SWAT BOTS, as well as take the fight for freedom to a whole new velocity level."
The show only lasted one season (as usual for these cartoon shows), and the only thing of note is the voice of the three Hedgehogs are done by Jaleel White, who is best known as the character of Steve Q. Urkel on Family Matters from 1989-1998. Both episodes put on this DVD (for some reason instead of actual Zelda episodes) are quite shitty in the immortal words of Silky Johnson, so I'll just chime in a few things. "To Catch a Queen" (Unknown Writer) aired first on August 31st, 1999, and once again, more text from TV Tome.
"Argus, the former captain of the Queen's guard, arranges a secret meeting with her, but he is soon intercepted by Robotniks bounty hunters, Sleet and Dingo, who have every intention of feeding the soldier to the Roboticizer. The Sonic Trio race to the rescue..."
They rescue the schmuck, beat up the bad guys, and smoke a bowl. Onto the second episode. Wedding Bell Blues (Written by Ben Hurst and Pat Allee), originally aired on October 4th, 1999, and another shitty episode, although it is MUCH more coherrent than the first one.
"When Robotnik announces he plans to marry Queen Aleena, the shocked Sonic siblings race to the rescue, unaware it's a trap, making them the dumbest fucking bitches on the face of whatever planet they are on."
Sorry, added that last part in. They break up the rescue, but the mother doesn't stick around after a sudden showing up surprise, leaving the Sonic bitches coked out of their mind. Robotnik also sends his henchmen into the dungeons for being incometant boobs. This was apparently the Pilot episode of Sonic Underground, but who cares? That ends the bonus features.
Final Thoughts: No one ever accused the show of being good, thats all I have to say. I have a certain love for crappy 80's cartoons, and this one is no exception. Unless you are a very hardcore fan of Zelda (and even that horrible Sonic Underground garbage), I would recommend not dropping the $13 for this DVD. However, if you're like me, and ate up everything DiC tossed at us every weekend, then by all means, have at it bitches.