Today I'm walking out of Arby's and a guy comes up to me with the top of his nose all scraped and bloody. He claims that he's a diabetic and needs to go to the hospital, but can't get in until he gets 15 bucks for his co-pay. He's already pulled out his diabetic blood monitor to show me.

First off-- his co-pay is only 15 bucks?! Dude, that's a great frickin' plan you've got!

Which brings up a few more questions. Why would he have this speech all prepared, specifically citing money? Why not bum for money near the hospital instead of ARBY'S? If you're bleeding, it's not a good idea to run into a restuarant.

Most importantly, I'm no expert on every hospital's procedure, but I've never heard of a hospital denying anybody ENTRANCE into their building unless they have co-pay cash-in-hand. Get there, get the treatment and worry about the co-pay after they've fixed you up. As long as you have proof of insurance, you'll get treatment and they'll settle the bill before they send you home.

What a clown. The guy had a friend bloody his nose, or else took a piece of sandpaper to do it, himself.

So that's our topic for this episode of "ES LIVE!": "Panhandlers, bums & beggars. Today we'll look at some outrageous schemes and discuss the lengths, or more correctly--depths, to which they will go. Stay with us, that's next!" (cue the Oprah-esque pseudo-jazz music as we cut to commercial)

ES! ES! ES! ES!

Sounds like a real moronic plan. Probably some coke-head needing more money for a quick fix.

When I was in college the first time, there was a guy who would make his way through the dorms once a year. It was usually on a rainy night. He'd come in and say that his Dad had suffered a heart attack and he needed $40 gas money to make it to Knoxville so he could be with his dad.

Except a) It takes less than a half a tank of gas to get from Chattanooga to Knoxville. It's an hour and a half drive. So unless you're driving a tank, you only need about 10 bucks. b)He'd get ten dollars from two straight rooms and STILL ask for money like he had nothing. c) he'd act like he was out of breath even though he'd been walking door to door in the dorm.

Ironically, he hit my apartment after I moved out of the dorms. I called the fuzz on him. TAKE THAT BUM!!!

Working in retail we usually get the same old stuff. And very uncreative at that.

Usually it's people switching price tags on shelved items, or stealing shit and attempting to return it without a receipt. I've caught about 5 people already this year doing one or the other.

Swiggy's "I need money to travel somewhere" is a good one. Used alot, too. There was a Mexican guy I ran into a few years ago, on Christmas Eve. He said he needed money for busfare to get to Greeley and see his wife. I knew it was bullshit (no regular service walk-on buses go to Greeley), but since it was Christmas Eve I was feeling nice and gave him a buck.

A week later, I saw him outside the parking garage at my office. He came up to me with the same schpiel. I asked him: "whoa! You're still here?! You didn't make it to Greeley! You could've walked by now!"

About six months later, he came up to me asking for change so he could "get a cold, cold soda and get out of this sun". I said "it's cooler in Greeley, I hear" and walked off.

It's a shame, because there are some guys who legitimately need help. I ran into a misshapen black guy once. He was a dwarf, his legs were different sizes, he had trouble walking and only two fingers on each hand. He was mad and almost crying, because someone had just told him to "go and join the circus". I only had 12 cents on me, but gave it to him. He asked me where the Rescue Mission was, and I gave him accurate directions. I still think of that guy whenever some lazy fuck with an insincere story comes up to me.

Admit it Scrooge. You go sick of sucking cock for your income so you tried something new.

When I was a cashier at Best Buy, I got into a few really fun confrontations with people who either mismatched a sign to try and get something for really cheap or have no clue how to read.

Recently someone came up to me with an open box sign for an HDTV that said it came with a free $250 gift card since it was opened and sold for a little over 1,000. The customer tried telling me that the gift card was supposed to be $750. That seemed a bit generous to me, and explained that it was $250. It wasn't my problem though, I quickly handed him off to a Home Theater associate.

I've got another one that happened in Memphis. My wife and I were dating, and it was her birthday so we went out to get her a free birthday dessert at TGI Fridays. We were walking there when some homeless dude came up and told her how beautiful she was and offered her some flowers. She said thanks and took the flowers. He then proceeded to try and hit me up for some cash for the flowers. I told him I didn't have any cash on me (which was true, just plastic that night) and he then took the flowers back from her and told me that my parents weren't married, and that I was the equivalent of Scrooge

You mean he said "you rate old crappy matches on the Internet and give them ratings"?! Wow.

I actually have some funny stories about this myself.

I work on the University of Pittsburgh campus which is called "Oakland". I know that E might be familiar with this, but I doubt anyone else would be.

There are ALWAYS panhandlers about because it's basically the city more than it is a college campus. Anyway, I've heard some of the most creative things you could possibly imagine.

One time this normal looking white chick comes up to me and asks for $2 for gas money. She said that she was driving down here and broke down because she was out of gas. Fair enough, plus the girl looked ditsy enough for me to fall for it. So I gave her $2 and she went on her way. About 2 weeks later the same chick hits me up again with the same story. I replied with a creepy smile and a "How about I take you home with me......or you can give me the $2 back I gave you last week. TWAT." It went over like gangbusters.

If that means cocksucker, then yes

The other week when I was covering a story there was a dude sitting outside a library smoking a cigarette and having a carton of chocolate milk, wearing sandals even though it was about 30 degrees out. He looked at me and we had the following exchange:

Him: You got a couple bucks I could borrow?
Me: No, sorry, man.
Him: Sure is a nice day.

An hour and a half later when I came back out, he wasn't there anymore. I like to think he was heading to Vegas, still drinking that chocolate milk.

Hey, leave me out of this!

:lol:

I get my money an honest way. I sell bootleg tapes and drugs.

EXCELLENT!

He means bootlegs of Kiddie Porn

That isn't funny, prick!

(listens to the "Hey" song)