WrestleCrap Compilation Volume II
- Self explanatory title, says I. After wandering around YouTube (and dailymotion), here’s a collection of some of the dumbest gimmicks in wrestling, and various other stuff that I might stumble across that might be considered horribly stupid. Everything is from WWF and WCW, since if there were any bad indy stuff, it wouldn't be fair. Example: The wrestling BOX.
- The Ding Dongs vs. The Skyscrapers (w/ Theodore Long):
(Ding Dong #1 & #2 vs. Sid Vicious & Dan Spivey)
Oh my God, I don’t like the chances of the Ding Dongs… yes, the tag team that brought a bell to the ring, and and had bells printed all over their generic full-body tights. Spivey attacks before the bell, and manhandles both Dongs without much trouble. Sid dumps one out of the ring, and Spivey with a crucifix powerbomb on Ding Dong #2. Irish whip, and Spivey with a big boot. Spivey with a powerbomb for a three count at 45-second mark. Sid comes in and clotheslines the snot out of Ding Dong #1. The Skyscrapers unmask the Ding Dongs to be generic looking dudes. Outside the ting, Norman (The Lunatic) tries putting one of the masks on. Anyway, here’s the death of the Ding Dongs for you.
- The Red Rooster vs. Mitch Casey:
From the episode of Wrestling Challenge from the week before SummerSlam 1989. Who didn’t love Terry Taylor as the Red Rooster, babyface form? Not only did he take his name seriously, but he began spiking red hair down the part of his head, and his entrance music featured barnyard noises, including a Rooster call. Lockup, and Rooster applies a side headlock, followed by a shoulder block. Rooster dances over the jobber and takes him over with several arm drags. Casey with a series of ugly rights, and the Rooster with a short-arm clothesline. Irish whip, and Casey with an ugly back elbow. The Red Rooster with pre-recorded comments regarding Mr. Perfect at SummerSlam. The Rooster makes Rooster noises to sandwich his promo… my God, no wonder he could never live this down. Rooster continues to dominate, and picks up the victory by way of the Chicken Wing submission hold at 1:55. No, not the Bob Backlund move. It was more like George Steele’se “flying hammerlock.”
- Battle-Kat vs. The Barbarian:
From an episode of PrimeTime Wrestling, around December of 1990. Battle-Kat is Bob Bradley under a mask. His music is gay, his goofy dancing is gay, and his cat like posing is uber-gay. Nice cart-wheels by the Hello Kitty mascot. Lockup, and the Barbarian shoves Kat down. Kat ducks a charge and applies a side headlock. Kat slides through the legs of Barbarian and chops away. Kat dropkicks him into the corner and mounts him for weak ass chops to the neck, and the Barbarian returns the favor with an inverted atomic drop. Mooney and Hayes make jokes at the Kat’s expense as Barbarian squashes him. Barbarian with a weak shoulder breaker and more pounding. Barbarian with a front facelock and clubbing across the back… yeah, the Barbarian is such a great worker. 5-Star classic right here, gentlemen and gentlemen! Chops in the corner, and a headbutt to the chest. Kat with a springboard elbow, weakly done, but he comes off the ropes and into a Barbarian powerslam. The Barbarian goes to the top rope and connects with a flying clothesline for the three count at 3:27. This match really sucked.
- Wrestlecrap’s Video Induction… the Ultimate Warrior vs. Phil Collins decked out in the worst wrestling outfit in the history of the sport. I don’t know WHAT the fuck this was about. It seemed like a horrible cross-promotion for some variety show featuring GILBERT GOTFRIED rambling about something, but it’s all a “fantasy” that ends up being turned down. Phil Collins can’t sell, by the way, and Warrior can’t dance.
- WCW Beach Blast Mini-Movie! The “Masters of the Powerbomb” are formed in front of a bunch of hillbillies and a band from the 1940’s. Tony Schiavone narrates this all as the heels threaten Sting and Davey Boy Smith for being adults and ignoring their threats. Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico… Sid and Vader are wearing their tights on a boat ride. Sid drops a load in the meantime… in his tights…. Again. Sting and DBS are playing volleyball with a bunch of dorks while the heels continue to make threats. The name “Cheatum” is dropped, meaning that really WAS his name. Everyone laughs in an evil manner. Anyway, Jaws music plays as the midget surfaces near Sting and Davey Boy’s boat to plant a bomb after telling off a few kids. The nonsense continues as Sting contemplates accepting a retirement home ticket from the bad guys, making the kids sad. Then the kids are happy when Sting and Davey Boy reject the offer. Stuff happens, a boat explodes, and I want to commit suicide.
- The White Castle of Fear Mini-Movie! No, not the fast food restaurant, but rather a “mansion” in the Rocky Mountains that we never actually get to see the exterior of. Sting’s dialogue from the first few minutes are added in after the fact, without much emotion put behind them. The awesome spewing helmet of Vader makes a cameo, as well as Cheatum the midget. Not as bad as the last hype video, but still pretty fucking bad. Everything ends when they do a tug-o-war over a pit of flames, and the screen explodes.
- Papa Shango vs. Brian Brieger:
From an episode of SuperStars of Wrestling, circa February 1992. Probably one of the first appearances of Shango in the ring…. Never mind, they mention the Warrior, so it’s April 1992. Remember that feud? Shango put a curse on Warrior, making him throw up in the process. Maybe Warrior ate some bad Chinese. Shango bobbles around like he’s having a fit from the PCP he injected… and manages to turn the lights out, and setting fire to something in the ring. IT’s the jobber’s feet! Oh my God, the Jobber’s on fire! So fucking lame… That didn’t look fake at all. Oh yeah, and Shango came on the Jobber’s face, except it’s black tar. REALLY stupid shit, if you ask me.
- The Goon vs. Dan Jesser:
Ah... glorious memories of "The Goon"... OK, my definition of glorious is pretty weird, but let's just say, whoever came up with the gimmick must've been out of ideas (even compared to dressing up someone like big foot). The Goon is being played by veteran journeyman Bill Irwin, who's most notable run in any of the big promotions was the NWA from 1989-90. The gimmick is that he was a hockey player so violent, that he was banned from the NHL, and now for some reason he's a wrestler. To make it even worse, he actually wears Hockey jerseys and pads in the match, including boots that resemble ice skates. Hell, we even get an actual video of the Goon "playing" Hockey and cheating, and Jim Ross even calls him "Bill Irwin." The Goon drops the gloves and hammers away on Jesser in the corner. Irish whip, and he clotheslines him in the back of the head in tribute to Outback Jack. Goonie pounds away on Jesser some more with punching, followed by a back elbow. Headlock by the Gooner, as Goon-a-mania continues to run wild on a dead ringer for Stevie Richards... current version. Jesser with a wristlock, and he takes Goon over into some more arm working. Goon comes back though, and nails a running high knee in the corner. Irish whip, and Goon with a blow to the midsection and more punching. Sloppy back body drop by the Goon... someone please end this match! I'd rather suffer through a Nailz match. The Goon sends Jesser outside, and then nails him with a Hockey charge into the ring apron, and that gets the victory at 4:23... yes, that was the actual finish! DUD I oh god... I'm speechless for once.
- Hector Garza vs. T.L. Hopper:
I forgot all about the cross-promotion of WWF and AAA wrestlers during this time… bad AAA wrestlers, that is. From an episode of Superstars, from January 1997, the week before Royal Rumble. Hector Garza is better known as the guy who wears size-too-small-speedos and Hopper as the Dity White Boy. Jim Ross and the Honkytonk Man are on commentary. How stupid is it that there’s a WRESTLING PLUMBER… that was evil?! Lockup to start, and Hopper applies an overhead wristlock. Garza with a drop toe hold, and applies his own wristlock. Hopper with a waist-lock, and Garza escapes with elbows and takes Hopper over with a snapmare. Garza remains in control with a head scissors, but Hopper makes the ropes. Hopper with a knee to the midsection, and an elbow across the back of the head. Hopper misses an elbow… badly. Garza with a dropkick, sending Garza out of the ring, and Garza misses a sloppy springboard moonsault. Back in the ring, and Hopper takes control. This is really boring, so I pay no attention. Garza mounts a comeback, flooring Hopper with a clothesline. Garza with a diving forearm, and he comes off the top rope with a missile dropkick. Standing moonsault for the three count at 4:00. Feh… a few nice spots by Garza, but Hopper really sucked.
- Armageddon vs. The Quebecers:
(Buchanon & Poirer vs. Jacques Rougeau & Pierre Carl Oulette)
From an episode of Shotgun from probably April 1998. Yes, the men formerly known as Rekon and Sniper of the Truth Commission did have a different tag name after the break up, and used their real names as well. Poirer is too much of a bitch to remember, so I’ll just keep calling him Sniper for simplicity purposes. Yes, the Quebecers were around in 1998, for whatever reason. The production crew misspells “Armageddon” without a second “d.” They also have zero heat. Poirer and Pierre (still wearing pirate eye-patch) lockup to start, and take it into the corner. Poirer with a series of boots to the midsection, followed by a whip to the corner. Pierre with a charge into the corner, and stomping of his own. Whip to the corner is reversed, and Poirer runs into a boot. Pierre off the middle turnbuckle with a clothesline. Irish whip, and Poirer comes back with a series of his own clotheslines, followed by a powerslam for a two count. Buchanon tags into the match for a double big boot and elbow drop. Buchanon applies a wristlock. Pierre escapes, and Jacques tags in and is quickly caught in a side headlock. Irish whip to escape, and a shoulder block happens as we go to a Commercial. We come back with Jacques stomping on Buchanon. Pierre tags into the match, and they double hot shot Buchanon. Irish whip, and the Quebecers with a double chop. Jacques has a nice skullet growing out here. Pierre scoops up Buchanon for a Jacques whoopy-cushion for a two count. Buchanon with a surprise sunset flip for his own two count. The crowd isn’t into any of this, by the way. Irish whip, and Buchanon with a double clothesline. Poirer tags into the match with a series of rights and clotheslines to both men. Scoop slams all around by Poirer, and Buchanon comes back in for brawling with Jacques. Double mounted-punches, in a spot that looked way too choreographed. Buchanon boots Jacques out of the ring, and Pierre gets nailed with a back drop/powerbomb (sucky) for a two count. Irish whip is reversed, and Jacques trips Buchanon. Jacques with a boston crab, and Pierre with the big leg drop for the three count at 5:40. Feh… the Quebecers past their prime and a heatless “face” team going through the motions in front of a dead crowd during the Attitude era. Sign me up for the rematch!
- The New Midnight Express (w/ Jim Cornette) vs. Steve Corino & Julio Sanchez:
From an episode of Shotgun from April 1998. The NEW Midnight Express consists of “Bombastic” Bob Holly and “Bodacious” Bart Gunn. Ask Vince Russo why this team was formed. Holly with a wristlock applied to Sanchez, who counters out with a lot of flips. Holly with another headlock, followed by a shoulder block. Criss-cross sequence, with Sanchez controlling with slams and hip tosses. The jobbers with double hurricanranas to no heat, and double dropkicks to no heat. We come back with Bart in control of Corino, who looks nothing like Steve Corino. Bart with a BIG left hand, the deadliest punch in the WWF. Corino escapes a powerbomb, and someone does a DDT. Sanchez gets the nacho tag and punches everyone. Dropkick to Bart, and Sanchez with a back drop. Holly with the blind tag, and he nails Sanchez with a stiff clothesline. Bart with a top rope spinebuster as the Headbangers come to ringside to draw the Disqualification at 2:50… what the fuck was that about?
- Brawl For All Match:
Brakus vs. Savio Vega:
From the July 7th, 1998 episode of Raw Is War. The rules of the brawl for all are simple: There are 3-one minute rounds. 5 pts. Awarded for most punches per round, 5 pts. For a takedown, and 10 points for a knockdown. Knockout ends Brawl, of course. For those who don’t remember, Brakus was some muscle-headed German that went nowhere for sucking so badly.
Round 1: Brakus whiffs a few punches and Vega waistlocks Brakus into the corner. Brakus with a takedown. Both men throw punches wildly, with Vega getting the best of Brakus. Just a whole lot of wild punches, and Vega is rocking Brakus like his name were Peter McNeeley. Round ends, with Vega of course winning the most punches landed punch, but Brakus had a take-down, I think.
Round 2: Brakus attempts a take-down, but misses badly. Grapple into the corner, and we get a clean break, of course. Brakus goes low, so Vega with a lot of wild shots, and both men go spilling down. I don’t know how to score that one. Brakus continues trying to go low, but Vega pegs him like a bitch again. Vega wins that round again. Brakus has a busted nose, apparently.
Round 3: Vega is winning 15-5, according to unofficial results. Vega with a takedown for another five points. Brakus gets nailed good and goes down for a knockdown. Vega is up 30-5, with 15-seconds left in the “fight.” They do nothing much except for Brakus landing on his ass trying to do a takedown as the bell ring to end the match.
This match is a perfect example of what was wrong with the Brawl for All. Vega apparently, suffered an injury in this fight, and was never seen from the WWF again save for one or two appearances, and Brakus never made it to an episode of Raw again. Just a horrible idea, period.
- Ken Shamrock vs. King Mabel:
From the July 14th, 1998 episode of Raw Is War, following a Mabel beat-down the previous week in a match against Jeff Jarrett. Shamrock charges the ring to hammer away, but Mabel punches his ribs and floors him with a shoulder. “I’m Da KING!” by Mabel, followed by a fat-ass elbow drop. Irish whip, and Shamrock comes off the ropes with a cross body, but Mabel catches him, and connects with a back breaker. Shamrock pops back up and slugs away. Whip into the corner, and Mabel misses by a good five hours. Shamrock to the middle rope with a shoulder tackle. Shamrock off the ropes with a side heel kick, but Mabel just stumbles around like a fat guy who can’t bump. Mabel with a clothesline, followed by a front powerslam. Mabel goes up to the middle turnbuckle, but Shamrock manages to apply a fujiwar armbar and the ankle lock for the submission victory at 2:09. Feh… so much for Mabel’s return, as he disappeared for another 6 months, before turning into Viscera of the Ministry of Darkness. DUD
- “Title for Title Match”:
Goldberg vs. Chris Jericho:
From WCW Fall Brawl 1998. Jericho is the reigning Television Champion, and he challenged Goldberg to a Title for Title Match earlier in the show. Jericho does a Goldberg style entrance, and gets lost in the process, which is pretty entertaining. Goldberg makes his entrance… and it’s a midget. Oh yeah, nice one WCW. At least this wasn’t a bait and switch by announcing the “match” leading up to the PPV, instead of during it. Comedy match as you expected, with Jericho not being very affected by the offense of Mini-Goldberg. The nonsense goes on for a few more minutes, until Chris Jericho picks up the “submission victory” at around the 3:00 mark to retain his championship and win the foam belt that “Goldberg” came to the ring with. Jericho was awesome, but this was a major waste of 15-minutes, including the promo from earlier in the show. Who came up with this shit?!
- “That 70’s Guy” Mike Awesome vs. The Insane Clown Posse:
No fucking clue from when this is, other than the darkest days of WCW. Awesome gives them a good blast of fire extinguisher as the bell sounds, from the door of his 70’s bus, that is. Awesome nails Violent J with it, but VJ no-sells and beats Awesome with a traffic cone. S2D with a garbage can shot and a series of rights. The ICP double team Awesome, and they head up onto the roof of the bus. A table gets set up as nothing much happens. Awesome slugs off S2D and throws VJ off the hood through the table in a heatless spot. S2D tries dumping Awesome off, but Awesome fights him off and gives him the Awesome Bomb on the hood… and Shaggy falls off to the concrete! AHAHA! Awesome climbs down and makes the cover for the three count at 2:11. High-larious ending to a stupid match. DUD
- Dave Batista vs. Justin Credible:
From September 2002. Batista, future World Champion, gets ZERO Reaction. I’m talking parking lot at 3 a.m. in the morning silence. And who the fuck knew Justin Credible was still employed by WWE at this point? Batista charges Credible into the corner and chucks him across the ring. Batista with a clothesline in the corner, and Batista press slams Credible into the air. Whip into the corner, and Credible boots him in the face TWICE. Batista blocks an axehandle and catches Credible up in a firemans carry… roll. Charge in the corner misses, but Batista no-sells 10-seconds later. Batista WHIFFS on a clothesline, and SCREAMS. Batista/Demon-Bomb ends this nightmare at 1:27. DUD Not much of a match, but what was here sucked major ass, and the dead silence for Batista at times is pretty funny shit. Too bad there’s no mention of DEACON Batista.
- Rey Msyterio vs. The Great Khali:
For those who forgot, Rey is the reigning champion of Smackdown. From (I believe) the May 12th, 2006 episode of Smackdown, and part of a storyline between Rey and JBL. Rey looks like a little kid compared to Khali, but is way more ripped than Mr. No Ass. Khali starts off by throwing Rey down, and out of the ring. JBL talks trash from the commentary table, sounding like a bigot in the process by calling him “boy” about 60 times. Rey rushes the ring and is quickly thrown back out. Rey springboards off the ropes with a dropkick, but Khali doesn’t sell it. Khali with a VON ERICH CLAW (not really) and tosses Rey, AGAIN. JBL nails Rey behind the referee’s back, and dumps him back in the ring. Khali with a boot to the head, and a double choke lift and slam ends this nonsense at 3:30. Yes, the Great Khali squashes THE WORLD CHAMPION ON FREE TELEVISION TO ADVANCE A STORYLINE NO ONE LIKED TO BEGIN WITH. -** A disgrace to wrestling.
- Kane vs. Kane:
No, that’s NOT a typo… it’s from Vengeance 2006, and part of the blowoff from the “May 19th” storyline that went along with the release of See No Evil. WWE cock-teased me into thinking he was getting the World Title, but instead I get a second Kane (the Freakin’ Deacon under a mask, doing a HORRIBLE imitation of Glen Jacobs). For those that care, “Kane” uses the OLD theme music of Kane. Now I know hoe Kevin Nash felt when Jacobs’ was supposed to be “Diesel.” Kane unloads to start and floors “Kane” with a clothesline. “Kane” sits up and Kane boots “Kane.” Kane with a clothesline, sending “Kane” out of the ring. “Kane” pulls Kane out of the ring, and clotheslines Kane as the select few in the crowd chant May 19th at Kane. “Kane” sends Kane back into the ring, and chokes away in the corner. Kane exchanges blows with himself, and grabs a side headlock. Kane with a shoulder block, followed by an unmasking attempt. “Kane” with Kane’s signature side suplex, followed by sucky punches and choking. “Kane” with more choking on Kane. “Kane” continues to control with a lot of nothing. Kane with a series of roundhouse rights. Whip into the corner, and Kane with a boot to the face. Charging by Kane, and “Kane” turns him over with a powerslam for a two count. Crowd is NOT into this match, by the way. “Kane” just flat out sucks. I’m talking Hideki Irobyou level of suck. Reverse chinlock by “Kane.” Kane escapes by backing “Kane” into the corner. Kane runs into an elbow, and “Kane” with a goozle. Kane goozle’s back and screams at “Kane.” Jim Ross: This has been an ugly match. Irish whip, and Kane with a DDT. Kane scoops himself up and plants himself with a powerslam. Into the corner, and Kane unloads on himself with more rights. Kane clotheslines himself in the corner several times, and “Kane” misses the timing of the Kane side suplex spot. “Take the mask off” chant. “Kane” ducks a chokeslam and Kane escapes another. Whip to the ropes is reversed, and “Kane” boots Kane. Kane stops himself from coming off the top rope, and follows that up with a northern-lights suplex. No bullshit… it looked awful considering “Kane” jumped the wrong way, but Kane did a northern-lights suplex. Chokeslam attempt fails, and Kane boots himself. Kane to the top rope, and we all know what’s coming… CLOTHESLINE… blocked, and “Kane” chokeslams Kane for the three count at 7:08. Yes, Kane just jobbed to himself. I thought that would never happen. -***1/2 All levels of bad here. Words cannot express how fucking painful this match was to sit through. The only high spot (literally) was “Kane” blowing a top rope spot that came across better than it had any right to be. Thankfully “Kane” was never seen from again after being “unmasked” the next night.
Final Thoughts: My God, I thought the last batch of crappy wrestling to review was bad. Some of this stuff was borderline material that were an argument for suicide and/or torture. Never ever ever watch any of this stuff. Ever. Never. Terrible, terrible, terrible says I.