Much like the WrestleMania topic, except with Royal Rumble cards instead.


- Before we get to the match, this is the Coliseum Video release, which for some unknown reason, clipped out the King Haku vs. Harley Race match for the crown of King, and instead decided to keep in some stupid ass posedown that lasts nearly a god damn half hour. Anyway, this is the first time the Royal Rumble occured on Pay-Per-View, although the year previous, it was held on national T.V. via the USA Network, going up against the abysmal PPV held by the NWA the same night.


- Vince McMahon runs down the participants in the opening... Hulk Hogan, Bad News Brown, Demolition Ax and Smash, Akeem, The Red Rooster, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, Bushwackers Luke and Butch, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, Andre The Giant, Rick Martel, The Rockers, Big John Studd, The Honkytonk Man, "Rugged" Ronnie Garvin, The Brain Busters, Tito Santana, The Powers of Pain, The Big Boss Man, Koko B. Ware, Hercules, "The Outlaw" Ron Bass, "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig, Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, "Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase, and "Macho Man" Randy Savage. We are (or were actually) from the Summit in Houston, TX on January 15th, 1989. The broadcast team is Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse "The Body Ventura".


- 2 out of 3 Falls; Six-Man Tag Team Match:
The Hart Foundation & "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers & Dino Bravo (w/ Jiummy Hart & Frenchy Martin):
Probably the blow-off to the feud between the Foundation and Rougeaus, stemming from the Foundation spliting up with Jimmy Hart sometime before SummerSlam '88. Duggan and Bravo MIGHT have had a feud going, but it might've been so low key that no one remembers it. The first fall is pretty good, thanks mainly to the fact that the Foundation controls for the most part, and never go into much resting. The heels take over, though, and the Rougeaus pin Bret following a Rougeau Bomb at 4:31. Things go down hill, as the second fall is pretty boring. Stuff of non-importance happens until the faces clean house and Duggan pins Raymond for the second fall at 10:09. Third and final fall time! Pretty much a combination of the first two falls. Some resting and some quick stuff, but nothing great or anything. All hell breaks loose, with Duggan blasting Bravo with his Canadian 2x4, allowing Bret Hart to steal the third and decisive fall at 14:54. Fine match, but for an opener, it dragged too much at times, and a dirty finish to blow-off an angle (with the faces going over) just doesn't taste right. (**)


- Backstage we go with some random drawings of the participants numbers. Ted Dibiase draws his number, but isn't too happy, and calls over Slick for a little discussion. The Bushwackers imitate L'il John about 10 years early, and got OK names, but decide to exchange them. Honkytonk Man draws his, and isn't too happy about it. Bad News Brown apparently likes his number when he picks his. Demolition both pick theirs, and both say they have a long night ahead of them. Jake Roberts shows no emotion, but just wants Andre to be in the match when he enters.


- Super Posedown Challenge:
The Ultimate Warrior vs. "Ravishing" Rick Rude (w/ Bobby Heenan):
I'm even going to waste my time by going into detail here. Mean Gene Okerlund is the MC on the contest, which everyone should know the result of before it even happens. Rick Rude actually does the poses better, with Warrior tripping over his feet half of the time, but since he's a babyface, the crowd cheers him and boos Rude. After about twenty minutes of this garbage, Rick Rude has had enough and smashes Warrior over the head with a workout bar he has been using in between poses, and chokes the bastard out afterwards. The Warrior finally comes to, and beats up everything walking, which is basically a bunch of shitty referees and backstage agents. This would get the worst rating possible for wasting so much time. After looking it over, the entire thing lasted 16:30, which was even longer than the opening match!


- WWF Women's Championship Match:
Rockin' Robin © vs. Judy Martin:
The people at Coliseum Video must have hearts, because this match is thanfully clipped from 10+ minutes to less than three. Sensational Sherri is doing guest commentary, building up a feud with Robin that ended up going nowhere, since the title was erased from history after WrestleMania, and Sherri became almost exclusively a manager/valet. Anyway, stuff happens until Robin pins Martin with a cross body press at 2:47. Oh well, time for the next match. (DUD)


- Backstage we go, as Sean Mooney interviews Slick and the Twin Towers (Akeem and the Boss Man). He questions Slick on earlier in the show, when Ted Dibiase apparently bought off one of the numbers that Slicks men drew for the match. Slick denies ever talking to Ted Dibiase, despite the cameras being in their faces for about 45 seconds. Oh well, gotta lie now and then. We then go to Mean Gene Okerlund getting an interview with Rick Rude and Bobby Heenan backstage. Too bad he didn't say "fuck it".


- 30-Man Royal Rumble Match:
This is the first time ever that the Rumble match will include 30 men (the previous year, the show had 20 participants, and at house show testsing, even less than that). Howard Finkel makes sure to run down the rules, since not everyone is familiar with the match at this point in history. In a history making moment, #1 turns out to be Demolition Ax, and #2 ends up being Demolition Smash! Talk about mark out moment... Ax vs. Smash for two minutes, uninterupted. Too bad it's just a lot of punchy-kicky for the most part. #3 is Andre The Giant, and Demolition team up to work him over. #4 is Mr. Perfect, and Smash is quickly eliminated by Andre The Giant. Ax and Hennig team up at times to double team Andre. #5 is Ronnie Garvin, and he joins in on the fun of beating up on Andre. #6 is Greg Valentine, who was not yet in a feud with the man of iron fists. Speaking of Garvin, Andre dumps his ass out, too. #7 is Jake Roberts (as usual), and Andre beats the crap out of him for the full two minutes, until #8 arrives in the form of Ron Bass. Roberts is then dumped, also by Andre. #9 is Shawn Michaels, before he developed a personality. Ax is dumped out by Hennig after Gorilla rants about how the big man is a tough guy to get out for a small guy. #10 is Bushwhacker Butch, and Roberts returns to ringside to scare Andre out of the ring, eliminating him in the process. Yeah...

#11 is The Honkytonk Man, and nothing much happens. #12 is Tito Santana, and still nothing of note is going on. Just lots of hugging and kicking. #13 is Bad News Brown, and hopefully he kicks someone's head off. Santana and Butch double up to eliminate the Honkytonk Man. #14 is Marty Jannetty, and helps his partner eliminate the recently shaved Ron Bass. #15 is Randy Savage, reigning WWF Champion, to a major pop. He just kicks the crap out of everyone he comes across. #16 is Arn Anderson, and out goes Greg Valentine as I type that. Savage and Anderson team up in an awesome moment to dump Shawn Michaels' ass out of the ring. #17 is Tully Blanchard, and along with Anderson, helps send Marty Jannetty packing, too. #18 is Hulk Hogan, and he cleans the clock of Hennig before dumping him out, after 31-minutes in the ring. Tito Santana is dumped by the Brain Busters. #19 is Bushwhacker Luke, and Butch is eliminated just as he comes to the ring. That didn't last long, I guess. #20 is Koko B. Ware, and he does the board board board, whatever that is. Hogan quickly eliminates Koko and Luke for being such losers. Then he takes both Busters out at the same time.

#21 is The Warlord, and he's eliminated about 1.9 seconds later, which has to be a record in the Royal Rumble. Hogan then dumps out Brown, but in the process, takes Savage out at the same time! Hogan and Savage exchange words until Elizabeth runs down (wolf whistle) to try and break things up. She succeeds, but #22 is Big Boss Man, and he has a good exchange with Hogan until Akeem enters in at #23. The Towers double team Hogan, and dump him out, to the shock of everyone. #24 is Brutus Beefcake, and Boss Man is eliminated thanks to Hogan, who won't leave ringside. From here, the match is just boring, since all the big names are gone. #25 is the Red Rooster, #26 is the Barbarian, #27 is the recently returned Big John Studd, #28 is Hercules, #29 is Rick Martel, and #30 is Ted Dibiase. The final two ends up being Studd and Dibiase. Ted Dibiase tries buying off John Studd, but that doesn't really work, and Studd hammers away at the Million Dollar Man. Studd with a scoop slam to Dibiase, followed by a double underhook suplex and a gutwrench suplex. Irish whip and Studd connects with a clothesline. Studd calls for the end and eliminated Dibiase at 1:03:06 to win the first ever Royal Rumble Winner on a PPV. Virgil comes in and takes a beating from Studd afterwards, and he too gets thrown over the top rope to the floor. Pretty good Rumble match, but the last twenty or so minutes was kinda dull with lukewarm reactions thanks to the eliminations of all the big stars earlier in the match. Too bad the match meant nothing, as Studd left the WWF again, and would retire for good soon after. We get an interview from Savage after the match, where he rambles like a mad man... as usual. (***1/2)


Final Thoughts: Overall, the tape really isn't worth getting just for the Rumble Match, unless you are a completionist like me. If you can get a copy of the Pay-Per-View version though, I recommend getting it since it also includes a pretty good King Haku/Harley Race match that was clipped out. The womens title match was crap, and the posedown was even more crap and a complete waste of time, but everything else is fine. Very Mild Recommendation for this show however.

Duggan and Bravo DID have a feud going. It started as a lame "challenge feud" after SummerSlam '88. They were also co-captains on opposing teams for the Survivor Series. It was one of the few feuds of the time that didn't start with a violent incident. They had an argument on Brother Love, I think, but that was it. We kept waiting for the big attack to come, but it never did.

It's also funny how the Rougeaus originally stated: "we're not like Dino Bravo... we LOVE the USA!". But they ended up tagging with him anyhow. Just one of those old heel contradictions that made them such good rulebreakers.

Interesting... I always wondered why Duggan and Bravo were the Co-Captains, other than being the bigger names of the match. Oh well, at least we got to see that great feud between .... uh... who did they feud with post-Rumble? :D

WWF Royal Rumble 1990:


- This is the Coliseum Video version again, but this time everything is left intact, unlike in 1989 and 1991 where matches were removed that were from the PPV Version. We open the show with Vince, once again, running down the list of participants in the Royal Rumble Match: The Ultimate Warrior, The Honkytonk Man, Randy Savage, Roddy Piper, Andre The Giant, Jimmy Snuka, Bad News Brown, Shawn Michaels, Haku, Demolition Ax, Rick Martel, Koko B. Ware, Bret Hart, The Warlord, Hercules, Rick Rude, Marty Jannetty, Mr. Perfect, Demolition Smash, Jake Roberts, Jim Neidhart, The Barbarian, Dusty Rhodes, Tito Santana, Akeem, The Red Rooster, Earthquake, Ted Dibiase, Dino Bravo, and Hulk Hogan.


- Live from Orlando, Florida, held on January 21st, 1990 (Duh), with Jesse Ventura and Tony Schiavone doing commentary for the show. Ventura is sporting Mickey Mouse merchandise, probably in a way to shill Disney World, and Ventura presents Schiavone with a Goofy cap.


- The Bushwhackers vs. The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers (w/ Jimmy Hart):
I don't remember if there was any build up to this. It just seemed like a popular decision for the Rougeaus and 'Whackers to wrestle each other for the last year (up until this point). In honor of the occasion, Jacques grew his beard out, and Raymond looks like Miguel Perez Jr. with all of that body hair. Someone within the company must be a sick man, because this match is borderline torture. 15-minutes long, and there's maybe two moments where it wasn't stalling from the heels, resting, or the Bushwhackers doing their fish out of water selling. As usual, the Bushwhackers over-come the odds against the French Frogs, pinning Jacques following the battering ram at 13:34. The Rougeaus final match ends up being one of the worst I've ever seen of there's. Jacques would return to the ring though, as the Mountie nearly one year to the date. (DUD)


- Mean Gene Okerlund is with Ted Dibiase and Virgil. Okerlund brings up how Dibiase picked the #30 entry number. Jack Tunney apparently had Virgil pick Dibiase's number for him, and he gets to be the first person in. This was the first time they actually gave away an entry number before the match actually happened. Dibiase predicts victory, of course.


- Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake vs. The Genius:
Again, I don't remember this being an issue, at least not going into the match. Leading up to the show, it was Hogan feuding with Hennig and the Genius, but since Beefcake was Hogan's lap dog, he gets inserted into the feud like a dildo in a gimp's ass. The Genius is, of course, Lanny Poffo, the brother of the far more successful Randy Savage. Basically a comedy match... kind of. The Genius prances around a lot, does a lot of gay stretching, and prances around more. Beefcake eventually pounds him into the ground and applies the Sleeper Hold, but the referee is knocked out. In what became a 1990 tradition, Beefcake cuts the Genius' hair until Mr. Perfect makes the save and bashes him with a steel chair. Eventually, the bell rings at 11:06, signalling a DOUBLE DISQUALIFICATION, for whatever God damn reason. Match sucked. Period. (DUD)


- Sean Mooney is backstage now with Bobby Heenan and the Heenan Family, Rick Rude, Andre The Giant, and Haku. Mooney tries stirring shit with the Heenan Family. Rick Rude says if he has to, he'll beat up Haku. Haku rebutts that, and now Andre starts mumbling about something.


- Submission Match:
"Rugged" Ronnie Garvin vs. Greg "The Hammer" Valentine (w/ Jimmy Hart):
The culmination of a feud that's been running for about 10-months. Way back in the Spring of 1989, Valentine pinned Garvin, forcing him into retirement. Garvin didn't leave though, only to find jobs as a referee and ring announcer, constantly causing trouble for Valentine. Garvin was reinstated sometime after SummerSlam, and the two traded victories around the country up until this point. Valentine still has his Hart Breaker shin-guard, but Garvin retaliates by wearing the Hammer Jammer. The match isn't great by an entertainment stand point, but it has a nice old-school NWA feel to it, with a lot of WRESTLING, counter holds, and psychology. Sure, there's a few comedy spots (Garvin no-selling the effect of the Figure Four), but that's an undertone for the match overall. The shin guards come into play in the match towards the end, with Garvin coming out on top of the tug-o-war by bashing Valentine with his Hart Breaker. Garvin applies a reverse figure-four (the sharpshooter with another name), and Valentine submits at 16:52. Like I said, a pretty good old school feel match, that didn't come close to fitting in with what the WWF was doing at the time. Garvin ended up doing nothing after this other than JTTS roles, and Valentine formed Rhythm & Blues with the Honkytonk Man. (***)


- Mean Gene Okerlund interviews Mr. Perfect, who runs down Beefcake and brags about the attack from earlier in the show, before telling us that he's drawn "the Perfect Number." Dammit, now we know the first and last entrant of the Royal Rumble Match!


[The Brother Love Show with Sister Queen Sherri and Sister Sapphire is next to eat up 20 minutes, but I'm not wasting my time. We all know what happens, we all know who fights at the end, we all know what non-wrestler gets beat up, and we all know who dances around like idiots to the disgust of Jesse Ventura]


- "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Big Boss Man (w/ Slick):
Interesting match here, and again, I don't recall a feud here. Duggan had just finished a program with Savage over the crown of King, and Boss Man finished his angle with Dusty Rhodes sometime after Survivor Series '89. Mainly a brawling match, but it's pretty fun at times. That doesn't mean it's a "good" match, but considering it's Jim Duggan in the WWF, you would expect it to really suck. Duggan makes a big comeback after getting his ass kicked for a while, but the Boss Man cleans his clock with the end of a nightstick, drawing the Disqualification, and giving the match to Jim Duggan. Afterwards, Duggan fights Boss Man off with his 2x4, then beats up on Slick for good measure. No snot bubbles though, for Hacksaw. (*1/2)


- Royal Rumble Participant Promos! Here's the run down of everyone who talks... Earthquake & Dino Bravo, Demolition, Bad News Brown, Dusty Rhodes, The Rockers, Hercules, Rick Martel, Tito Santana, Jimmy Snuka, Akeem, and the Ultimate Warrior.


- FAN PREDICTIONS! Warrior! Hogan! Hogan! Warrior! Mr. Perfect! Mr. Perfect! Roberts (crack whore pick)!, AX!!! Bret Hart!?! Roddy Piper! Jimmy Snuka?! Randy Savage! Rhodes!... AX?!?!?


- MORE TALKING! Randy Savage, The Powers of Pain, Jake Roberts, The Hart Foundation, The Honkytonk Man, and Hulk Hogan.


- 30-Man Royal Rumble Match:
We got 2:00 intervals this year as usual (until goofy booking screwed with the clocks a few years later). Also, managers are allowed at ringside for the match. #1 is, of course, the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase, and #2 is Koko B. Ware (with his goofy new bleached hair and parrot head paint). Dibiase wastes no time beating up on Koko, and eliminates him before anyone else enters. #3 is Marty Jannetty (with music?), and he suffers the same fate as Koko, but at his own hands instead. #4 is Jake Roberts (also with music), and he has issues with Dibiase, so they brawl in and outside the ring for most of this two minute interval. #5 is the Macho King (no more music for anyone), and he works with his former rival to beat the crap out of a future rival. #6 is Roddy Piper, so that means it's Roberts/Piper vs. Savage/Dibiase... only in the Rumble back then could you see that on WWF television. #7 is the Warlord to turn the tide for the heels, but no one gets dumped. #8 is Bret Hart, bringing the wrestling skill level back up, but he's only "one half of the Hart Foundation" still. #9 is Bad News Brown, and he quickly goes after his old rival, the Hitman. Roberts goes for the DDT on Dibiase, but gets clotheslined out by Savage, a move he would rehash for the 1996 Rumble, #10 is Dusty Rhodes, and he wastes no time to eliminate his new rival, the Macho King. BOO!

#11 is Andre The Giant, and he goes after everyone, dumping the Warlord with little trouble. #12 is the Red Rooster, and then we get a new angle established, as Piper and Brown eliminate each other, then brawl to the locker room. Look closely, and you'll get a good look at a young Shane McMahon acting as a referee. Andre dumps Rooster, but no one cares. #13 is Ax, #14 is Haku, and #15 is Smash, so we get the mini match between the Colossal Connection and Demolition. It's actually an enjoyable section of the match, despite the fact that neither of them were that good of workers. #16 is Akeem, and he's a Jive Soul Bro. In a scary moment, one side of the ring is made up of Andre, Akeem, and Dusty... 1,300 pounds of girth. IN ONE SPOT. Hope that ring is enforced. Speaking of Andre, Demolition double up to throw him out of the match. Bret Hart goes off camera, apparently at the hands of the American "Dweam." #17 is Jimmy Snuka, and he quickly eliminates Akeem with a weak ass headbutt. Nice over-selling, Akeem! #18 is Dino Bravo, and #19 is the CANADIAN Earthquake. He eliminates Dusty Rhodes and Ax soon after. #20 is Jim Neidhart, and everyone in the ring, sans Bravo, gangs up to eliminate the big Earthquake.

#21 is the ULLLLLLLLLLTIMATE Warrior, and he cleans the clock of everyone in his path before dumping Bravo out. #22 is Rick Martel, and Haku sends Smash packing, killing off the chance of any member of Demolition winning the Woyal Wumble. #23 is Tito Santana, and just GUESS who he targets upon entering the ring. Here's a hint: Rick Martel. They do their usual exchange for a while. #24 is the Honkytonk Man. Warrior dumps out Neidhart, then eliminates Dibiase, who lasted something along the lines of 48-minutes. #25 is Hulk Hogan, and the ring is about to be cleared. Bye bye Snuka! So long Haku! There goes Santana! ARRIBA! #26 is Shawn Michaels as Honky is dumped by Hogan... and in an AWESOME moment, Shawn is dumped by Warrior after only lasting 12-seconds in the match. Martel is gone too, leaving WARRIOR vs. HOGAN! Everyone is into this, very much. For some reason, Heenan remains at ringside, but it's probably because he still has someone to enter the match. Hogan and Warrior do a criss-cross, and a double clothesline puts both men down. #27 is The Barbarian, and #28 is Rick Rude pre-maturely. They beat the crap out of both men, but Hogan pops up and clotheslines everyone over the top rope, but only Warrior's feet touch the floor. Rude and Barbarian double up on Hogan until Hercules enters at #29. Mr. Perfect is #30, and so we got our final field. The Barbarian goes at the hands of Hercules, then Hercules by Rude. Rude is gone because of miscommunication with Hennig, so it's down to Mr. Perfect and Hulk Hogan. They do a mini-match, and for some reason Perfect does a Perfect-Plex. Hogan HULKS UP, cleans Perfect's clock, and dumps him out for the victory at 58:45. One of the better Rumble matches other than the 1992, 2000, and 2004 versions. The dead-spots were few and far between, the star power was there throughout, and we got some awesome confrontations, like Jake/Dibiase, Demos/Connection, and, of course, Hogan/Warrior. The only problem was that someone else probably could've used the win here, but with Hogan/Warrior already set in stone (footage for SNME was taped several weeks in advance), I guess it made sense. (****)


Final Thoughts: This definitely was a one match show, and thankfully that one match is the one that ate up nearly half of the PPV. While the undercard had a couple of decent matches, neither of them were particularly great, and the bad matches were REALLY bad. However, this featuring one of the best rumble matches ever should be enough to give this a thumbs up, but I'd skip the undercard, or at least the first couple of matches. Mild Recommendation, thanks to a poor undercard.

Gorilla Monsoon sat this event out, but he informed me that yes, the ring had been specially reinforced for these matches.

He also informed me that the Warlord had become much more devious since he came under the tutelage of one Mr. Fuji.

WWF Royal Rumble 1991:


- We're back once again, or should I say I'm back, since this is a one-person review. Anyway, I'm back again in the string of crappy Royal Rumble Reviews. The 1991 edition was the first to feature a World Championship match (and in a bit of a coincidence, that was the year the first time the Survivor Series match featured one as well), and took away some star power for the undercard.


- Once upon a time, live from the Miami Arena in Miami, FL, held on January 19th, 1991, it's time to Rumble! It's time for the Royal Rumble! Commentary is being done by Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy Piper. Again with the yearly tradition, the 30 participants for this years match: The Immortal Hulk Hogan! Bret Hart! Road Warrior Animal! The Undertaker! Tugboat! Rick Martel! Mr. Perfect! Jim Duggan! Earthquake! Saba Simba! The British Bulldog! Paul Roma! Tito Santana! Butch! Jake Roberts! The Warlord! Demolition Smash! Texas Tornado! Road Warrior Hawk! Jimmy Snuka! Luke! Jim Neidhart! Demolition Crush! Dino Bravo! Greg Valentine! Hercules! Shane Douglas! Brian Knobbs! Haku! and the Macho King! Plus The Ultimate Warrior defends the title against Sgt. Slaughter, The Rhodes Family meet Virgil & Ted Dibiase, Big Boss Man squares off against the Barbarian, and the Rockers meet the Orient Express! It's time to Rumble!


- The Rockers vs. The Orient Express (w/ Mr. Fuji):
This is the new and improved version of the Orient Express, with Paul Diamond as the masked Kato, taking over the role in the team left by Sato, who kind of sucked. Lots of fast-paced, high flying action from bell to bell, with the Rockers being in sync with each other for everything (they must be clean for the show), and the Express were pretty good sellers. There's only about a minute worth of dead time during a resthold applied to Michaels mid-way through the match. Heck, one guy in the crowd had the balls to yell boring at it... dumb ass. Hot finish to a great match, with the Rockers countering the Express' finisher (Kato slingshots someone into a Tanaka move), with Jannetty executing a sunset flip on the slingshot attempt, and pinning Tanaka for the Rockers' first PPV victory at 19:15. Wow, remember when the WWF gave a pair of midcard tag teams twenty minutes on PPV when no title was on the line? Great opener, but it's wasted on a horrible crowd. Probably the high point of the Rockers run, as they actually got a push... for about a month, before personal problems split the up. (****)


- Sean Mooney is backstage with the Macho King Randy Savage. He wants a World Title Match, and claims that Sgt. Slaughter has already promised him a match if he were to defeat the Warrior for the belt later in the show. To cover all of his bases though, he has Sherri call out the Warrior for a potential match as well. After a lot of nothing and some unwanted sexual teasing, the Warrior hawks a loogie and simply screams out "No" like the psycho he is. Savage gets pissed off of course, trashes his locker room, then runs out for the Warrior, but he's about a minute too late.


- Big Boss Man vs. The Barbarian (w/ Bobby Heenan):
The on-going feud between the Boss Man and Heenan Family over the insults made towards his mother continues. I always wondered what the original plans for this feud were, back when Rick Rude was plugged in for the feud with Boss Man. We get a lot of stalling from the Barbarian to begin the match. Not a whole lot happens until the second half of the match, when everyone seems to drink "ass busting" juice. Both men manage to "kick" out of each others finishers, although to be fair, both times included grabbing the ropes. The Barbarian ends up going to the top rope, but a cross body is reversed, and Boss Man's momentum puts him on top for the three count at 10:06. Oh well, at least it wasn't the same finish Barbie used for 98% of all of his matches. Decent second-half to a lack-luster first half. (*1/2)


- Fans predict the winner of the title match! Some slut drools over the Warrior! Some kid says the Warrior! Some ugly girl says the Warrior! Well, now we know why the WWF makes fun of us... they judge us all by THESE morons.


- Sean Mooney interviews Sgt. Slaughter and General Adnan. Adnan's promo is basically saying "ala-hala-a-hem" over and over again, while Slaughter just rambles while substituting names with "Puke." the Ultimate Puke, The Puke-amaniacs... you get the picture. I wonder how much money Slaughter sold out for. Warrior gets Interview time too, but he sucks, and his belt leather is the faggy vomit looking purple for this week. The only interesting thing is Warrior's attire is americanized. Who knew Parts Unknown embraced Americans?


- WWF World Championship Match:
The Ultimate Warrior © vs. Sgt. Slaughter (w/ General Adnan):
Uh oh, a midcard World Title match during the era of Kayfabe? I don't like the odds of the Warrior retaining his championship here. Nothing much more than punchy-kicky-clothesliney stuff until the insanity begins. Sherri runs down to cause interference, tricking Warrior into chasing her down the aisle, where Savage Pearl Harbor's him and cleans his clock. Warrior won't lose though, and comes back, until Savage returns AGAIN. This time Savage creams him with his ceptor (that was a gift from Dibiase, man!), and Slaughter drops a weak ass elbow for the three count at 12:44 to become the NEW World Champion of the WWF. And everyone shits their pants in disbelief that the title was given to a guy so out of shape that he was blown up BEFORE Warrior. Not even close to being a good match, but it did mark the end of Warrior's end at the top of the company. Since then, Warrior slowly slipped into even more insanity. (*)


- Koko B. Ware vs. The Mountie:
I'm sure not a lot of people remember this match ever happening. It was neither hyped up on any of the television before the event, nor was it included on the Coliseum Video of the show. The only other media outlet that might've mentioned it was WWF Magazine, but how reliable are they, anyway? Anyway, the sole purpose of this match is to give the crowd a chance to recover from the last match for a match that means something. Pretty much a SuperStars or Challenge quality match, with not much of not going on. The Mountie ends up winning with his chokie-slammie-thing at 9:12. Oh well, next match. (1/2*)


- Sean Mooney is backstage with Ted Dibiase and Virgil. We are reminded of how Dibiase can get Virgil to do whatever he wants, because the money talks, and Virgil has his price. Apparently Dibiase's money is thicker than blood.


- Dusty & Dustin Rhodes vs. Ted Dibiase & Virgil:
The blow-off to an angle that began at SummerSlam '90, but Sapphire was eventually phased out in favor of Dustin Rhodes. I guess that's a fair trade off. However, the issue comes into question when Piper mentions having a long talk with Virgil in a postive way. Nice going, Roddy. Blow it for everyone watching, why don't ya'? Dustin wrestles most of the match for the out-of-shape Texan team, which is never a good thing considering the inexperience of Dustin at this point of his career. Half-way through the match, Dibiase snaps mid-way and throws Virgil out of the ring, eventually pinning Dusty with a roll-up at 9:58. So long the Rhodes Family, way to go out a bunch of losers! After the match, Dibiase gets on the microphone to bark orders at Virgil. After about two-minutes of inner thoughts, Virgil brains Dibiase with the Million $ Belt, and turning face in the process. Piper shits his pants with excitement. Bad match, but a nice end for the Virgil/Dibiase relationship. (3/4*)


- Royal Rumble Promos! Tugboat (on crack!)! Demolition Smash (on not-as-much crack!)! Dino Bravo (on roids!) Demolition Crush (with fire arms and cronic!)! Mr. Perfect (on some kind of undertermined substance!)! Tugboat's promo is so fucking horrible, I won't subject it to you good people... well, maybe just a little...

Tugboat: I'm gonna take them apart piece by piece! I got live preservers for all of them! Life preservers and a big rubber boat as I toss them out! They catch them in the big rubber boat! They all go back to port where they belong because I will be the sole survivor! (Wrong PPV, dumbass, and yes, I stole that bit from The Critic)


- Hulk Hogan gets his guaranteed one interview per show, and actually flubs his lines a couple of times, most notably when he finds out Sgt. Slaughter is apparently doing bad things to an American Flag. You'd think the police would throw his ass in jail (or maybe the Bossman), but it's Logic in Wrestling, once again. I wonder if the Real American Hulk Hogan is going to face Evil Foreign Lover Sgt. Slaughter.


- 30-Man Royal Rumble Match:
We got two minute intervals again, and there's nothing on the line for the match, so it's just a big-ass Battle Royale that anyone could win back then. This years lucky #1 is Bret Hart (the second time he started the match), and #2 is evil French-Canadian Dino Bravo (w/ Jimmy Hart). Since Bret had that never ending side feud with former-manager Jimmy Hart, this is a good way to open the match I guess. They do a mini match that isn't very good. #3 is Greg Valentine, who recently turned face, and quickly dumps out Bravo, his former stable mate and tag team partner. #4 is Paul Roma, and he works over Bret Hart, along with Valentine at times. #5 is Kerry Von Erich and #6 is Rick Martel. #7 is Saba Simba (THAT'S TONY ATLAS!), and he is ridiculed by Piper the entire duration of his stint. #8 is Bushwhacker Butch (BOO), and Simba is gone at the hands of Martel. #9 is Jake Roberts, and just GUESS who he goes after. Hint: Rick Martel. #10 is Hercules, to briefly form Power & Glory in the ring, but nothing much of note is going on.

#11 is Tito Santana, and he goes right for Rick Martel, just like in the 1990 Rumble. Paul Roma is gone at his own hands (damn cross bodies in a Rumble match). #12 is The Undertaker, still managed by Brother Love. He quickly throws Bret Hart out. #13 is Jimmy Snuka, and now the Undertaker dumps Bush... I mean Butch. Valentine and Santana have an exhange, bringing back memories of their feud from 1984-85. #14 is Davey Boy Smith, and he goes after Valentine. #15 is Demolition Smash, and he's got little, if any, heat left. Martel eliminates Roberts from the apron. #16 is Road Warrior Hawk and #17 is Shane Douglas, while nothing happens. The Undertaker dumps out Von Erich and Hawk sends Snuka packing. #18 is... NO ONE. It's supposed to be Savage apparently, but Warrior was chasing him out of the arena last we saw him. #19 is Road Warrior Animal, and the LOD clothesline the Undertaker out. Hawk is dumped sonn after by Herc' and Martel. #20 is Demolition Crush, so now we have a mini Animal/Demolition match, thanks to the Hawk elimination. IS BOOS!

#21 is Jim Duggan, #22 is Earthquake, and Animal is thrown out by Quake. #23 is Mr. Perfect, and he quickly disposes of Jim Duggan. #24 is last years winner, HUUUUUUULK Hogan, and he sends Smash packing. #25 is Haku, and Hogan ends Valentine's night after 46-minutes in the ring. Here's a weird exchange... Hogan and Douglas working over Crush. #26 is Jim Neidhart, but it's hard to follow everything. Tito Santana is gone now, done at the hands of the Quake. #27 is Bushwhacker Luke, and in comical fashion, is thrown out in 4.8 seconds by Quake, whacking the whole time. #28 is Brian Knobbs, subbing for the Honkytonk Man, I think. He back drops Hercules out. #29 is The Warlord, and he goes after Davey Boy. Crush mounts Hulk in the corner, and is thrown out with ease. #30 is Tugboat. Time for rapid fire eliminations! Bye Douglas, bye Tugboat, bye Perfect, bye Neidhart, bye Haku, bye Martel, after over 50-minutes in the ring. Bulldog is gone by Knobbs and Quake, leaving them with Hogan. He no-sells a Quake butt splash and sends Knobbs out. Hogan Hulks-Up on Earthquake, nails the big boot, but a slam attempt fails and Quake squashes Hogan like a bug. Earthquake with several elbow drops, and we all know what that leads up to... Earthquake nails a powerslam and covers for some reason (wrong promotion and decade, Quake), but Hogan kicks-out and Hulks-Up for a 2nd time! Hogan gives Quake the finger (not THAT finger), nails some roundhouse rights, a big boot, and Hogan finally slams Earthquake. Hogan plays to the crowd and clotheslines Earthquake from behind to eliminate him at 1:05:14 and win his second straight Rumble Match. Overall, a lack-luster match with a weak field and a pathetic crowd. Hogan winning meant nothing, since it didn't guarantee a title shot at WrestleMania yet. (**3/4)


Final Thoughts: Outside of a great opening match, nothing on this show stands out as "must-see." Sure, nothing was awful either, but everything is rather boring. The meat of the show, the Rumble Match, was booked rather badly, with some shitty pacing with the ring being filled with too many people at once to tell any kind of story, and only about 2 of the participants really had a chance of winning, and when one of them didn't even enter (Randy Savage), it wasn't much of a surprise. Overall, I'd recommend getting a copy of the Rockers/Express match, but everything else you can pass on. Mild Recommendation to Avoid.

That Slaughter/Warrior match is a personal favorite of mine, even if it's for all the wrong reasons.

You sick little monkey!

Acclamations and throngs of appreciation shall be praised and moved towards the general direction of your vicinity, SamoaRowe. For while there are those who dwell in doubt and the lower depths of non-believing, you SamoaRowe are one who has the enlightenment and unappraised brashness to stand as an individual apart your respective peers and acknowledge the Warrior.

Damn Warrior impressions. I can't understand any of that gobbledy gook.

Nice one, ES. I deserve even more credit for owning the first issue of the Warrior comic book and not burning it.

I had it and went "what the hell is this gibberish?"

I don't know when I chucked it in the dumpster, though.

I forget if I got my copy from Plague or if I got it for .25 at a comic store.

Either way, the fact that I have it nicely preserved in a plastic bag says something.

It's de-valuing the plastic bag.

WWF Royal Rumble 1992:


- Let's keep on trucking along with the 1992 Rumble PPV. The 1992 Rumble marked the first and last time the Royal Rumble Match had the added bonus of the winner becoming the WWF Champion, thanks to a bunch of shenanigans between Hogan, Undertaker, and Ric Flair at Survivor Series and Tuesday in Texas a few months prior. For the last time, we've got the Coliseum Video here, but I don't think anything of importance was clipped out.


- Live from the Knickerbocker Arena in Albany, NY, held on January 19th, 1992, and with Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan pulling the commentary train this year. For the last time ever, Vince McMahon runs down the list of participants before we begin: Jake Roberts! The Barbarian! Rick Martel! The Berzerker! Roddy Piper! Jim Duggan! Jerry Saggs! Repo Man! Sgt. Slaughter! Ric Flair! Hercules! Col. Mustafa! Randy Savage! Skinner! The British Bulldog! Ted Dibiase! Haku! Shawn Michaels! The Warlord! El Matador! Sid Justice! I.R.S.! Nikolai Volkoff! The Texas Tornado! Virgil! The Undertaker! Big Boss Man! Greg Valentine! Jimmy Snuka! and the Immortal Hulk Hogan! It's time to rumble! It's time for the Royal Rumble!


- The New Foundation vs. The Orient Express (w/ Mr. Fuji):
(Owen Hart & Jim Neidhart vs. Kato & Tanaka)
The New Foundation formed sometime after the 1991 Survivor Series, following a beating on Neidhart at the hands of the Beverly Brothers. The Express had been on solo job duty for the last few months, but here they are as a team again. This is Owen Hart's first WWF PPV since WrestleMania V, and his first as himself (he was previously known as the Blue Blazer). The running joke of the New Foundation is they appear to be wearing pajamas. Common knowledge: Anytime a team is the New ANYTHING, they fail at getting over. Pretty long match, considering the participants. The Foundation control for nearly 10-minutes before Owen becomes the bitch in peril, with a little help from Mr. Fuji. Owen survives an ass-kicking and makes the hot tag to the Anvil, who easily cleans house of the yellow person and white guy in a mask. Tanaka continues taking a beating until Owen and Anvil finishes him off with the Rocket Launcher at 17:19. Good match, but a bit too long in the tooth for an undercard tag match without any titles around. (***)


- Sean Mooney ("who?") is backstage to interview Jimmy Hart and the new Intercontinental Champion, the Mountie. The Mountie stupidly asks what Roddy Piper's win-loss record is. Of course, we all know Piper had never been pinned or made to submit on national television in his entire run with the WWF. We cut to Mean Gene with Roddy Piper, who gets a chance to win the IC and World Title on the same card.


- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
The Mountie © (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper:
Piper is a last-minute substitution for Bret Hart, who was suffering from a "104 degree temperature" when he lost the IC Title to the Mountie less than 48 hours ago (from the time of the Royal Rumble PPV, that is). To the shock of no one, the match kind of sucks. Neither man does much more than punchy-kicky, and it's kept pretty short too. After some heel miscommunication, Roddy locks in the sleeper hold, and wins the Intercontinental Championship at 5:19, his only title in the WWF back when it meant something. After the match, Piper uses the shock stick on the Mountie, no doubt reminding him of that long night in prison after SummerSlam. Good mark out moment to a match that isn't worth a damn in the normal sense. (*)


- Mean Gene Okerlund interviews the Bushwackers and their manager for the day, Jameson. I need to keep my sanity after listening to Tugboat's 1991 Rumble Promo three times, so I'll be skipping over this one like my life depended on it.


- The Bushwhackers (w/ Jameson) vs. The Beverly Brothers (w/ The Genius):
(Butch & Luke vs. Blake & Beau Beverly)
Oh sweet Jesus, if you've seen one bad match between these two teams, you've seen them all. Adding in Jameson (a dork who was featured primarily on PrimeTime Wrestling) just makes it worse, but at least the Heenan/Gorilla commentary is going to be pretty kick-ass. Choice sign in the crowd: On the 8th day, God created Gorilla Monsoon. This match, in short, sucks dick. But Bobby Heenan is just a God on commentary, bashing the Bushwhackers, and especially Jameson, as much as possible throughout the duration of the match. The match still sucks, by the way. The Genius nails Jameson with a bitch-slap, but sadly he's still breathing. The match finally ends after Beau nails a double axehandle from the top rope at 14:58. After the match, Jameson gets revenge on The Genius by kicking him in the ankle. What a tough guy, he is. Match blew, but the commentary saves it from the shit box completely. (DUD)


- Okerlund is back again, this time with the Legion of Doom, the current (1992, that is) Tag Team Champions. It's their typical screaming promo, so I fast forward since I'm starting to get burned out doing all of these reviews so close together.


- WWF Tag Team Championship Match:
The Legion of Doom © vs. The Natural Disasters (w/ Jimmy Hart):
(Road Warrior Hawk & Animal vs. Earthquake & Typhoon)
I pray that this match is short. The problem with packing in all the top stars into the Rumble means a lot of shitty undercard matches, and God damn was the WWF Tag Team Division shit in 1992. Boring match that follows the Behemoths vs. Powerhouse Formula... lots of punching, squeezing, and jerking. Wait, that's masturbation, my bad. The match follows that path, though, and you can guess how exciting it is to watch. Both teams brawl around the ring for too long, but Typhoon, who isn't the legal man in the ring, rolls back into the ring for the Count-Out victory at 9:23. After the match, Animal, Sportsman of the Year, bashes 'Quake good with a steel chair for trying to take the Tag Team Titles. Another bad match, but it was at least better than the last two matches, which isn't saying too much. (*1/2)



- Interview-o-Rama! Sean Mooney interviews the Natural Disastors, who feel they got screwed out of the titles (especially since they prevented the LOD from getting back in the ring). Roddy Piper is rambling incoherently about getting a chance to win a second belt. Mooney is back with Shawn Michaels, who recently turned heel and was still searching for a real personality, and we get highlights of the Barber Shop incident from the week before. ROYAL RUMBLE PROMOS! Randy Savage! Sid Justice! Repo Man! The British Bulldog! Jake Roberts! Ric Flair & Mr. Perfect! The Undertaker & Paul Bearer! And, of course, Hulk Hogan!


- WWF World Championship Match:
30-Man Royal Rumble Match:
Before the match begins, Jack Tunney comes out to talk. He screwed Hulk Hogan out of the title, so the fans probably aren't too interested in his cock and bull story. Again, we've got two minute intervals, unless someone falls asleep at the buzzer. The lucky starts of the match are The British Bulldog (#1) and Ted Dibiase (#2), starting the Rumble match for the second straight time (second straight time being in the actual match, that is). Dibiase thinks he's thrown out Bulldog, but DBS remains and clotheslines Dibiase out. #3 is Ric Flair, and Heenan shits himself while Gorilla creams his pants. They do a little mini-match for the next two minutes. #4 is Jerry Saggs, and he's gone at the hands of Davey Boy before the next entrant comes. #5 is Haku, a last-minute substitution, and he gets in some shots on both men before being dumped himself. #6 is Shawn Michaels, and he proceeds to miss super-kicks to both Flair AND Davey Boy. #7 is El Matador, Tito Santana, #8 is the Barbarian, and #9 is Kerry Von Erich. He goes after Flair, no doubt bringing back memories of old battles from the NWA days to old school fans. #10 is the Repo Man (formerly Smash), and he sneaks his way into the ring for whatever reason. Not much more happens than Flair getting his ass kicked by everyone possible.

#11 is Greg Valentine, and now he has a little exchange with Flair, for old (and I mean OLD) times sake. #12 is Nikolai Volkoff, another last-minute replacement, and no one gives a shit. In the mean time, Valentine has Flair locked in the Figure-Four! And just like that, Volkoff is dumped by the Repo Man! #13 is the Big Boss Man, and it's time for everyone to be cleared from the ring, because there's too much dead weight in there right now... Valentine is gone, also at the hands of Repo. Repo, in turn, is thrown out by the Boss Man. Flair back drops out the Bulldog and Von Erich, then Michaels and Santana tumble out while hugging each other near the ropes. #14 is Hercules, and no one cares about him, either. Herc' dumps the Barbarian, then Boss Man sends Hercules packing. Boss Man whips Flair's butt, but misses a charge, and goes flying over the top rope. #15 is New Intercontinental Champion Roddy Piper, and the crowd goes bat shit for him. Piper beats the shit in and around the ring until Jake Roberts enters as #16. Roberts cheap shots Piper, then goes after Flair. Piper saves Flair, resulting in Heenan praise. Piper then assaults Flair, resulting in Heenan insults. #17 is Jim Duggan, #18 is Irwin R. Schyster, otherwise known as I.R.S., and #19 is Jimmy Snuka. Not too much is going on right now. #20 is the Undertaker, drawing the lowest number possible from the ones he could (Hogan and 'Taker were given the chance to draw anything between #20-30 because of the Title situation). He quickly eliminates Jimmy Snuka.

#21 is Randy Savage, and just guess who he goes after... in his wrath, Savage dumps Roberts, but then jumps over the top rope. HOWEVER! He's allowed back in the ring because of the rule you can't throw yourself out, or maybe because he forgot where he was... what he was doin'! #22 is the Berzerker (Bruiser Brody rip-off), #23 is Virgil, #24 is Col. Mustafa. #25 is Rick Martel, and Mustafa is thrown out by Savage to little fanfare by the broadcast team. #26 is Hulk Hogan, and house is cleaned again. There's the Undertaker going, and now it's the Berzerker's turn. Next Virgil and Jim Duggan topple out with each other, for whatever reason. #27 is Skinner, that filthy pig™, and #28 is Sgt. Slaughter. Martel dumps fellow heel Skinner out. #29 is Sid Justice, and #30 is The Warlord. The eliminations come rapid fire as usual... Sid dumps Slaughter, then Piper sends I.R.S. out by use of his tie. Sid and Hogan double up to throw the Warlord out. Piper and Martel hug around the ropes until Sid dumps them both out. Sid pairs up with Savage and Hogan with Flair as the final four. Savage is quickly gone, with a little help from Flair. Hogan tries dumping Flair out, but Sid sneaks up from behind and dumps Hogan instead to a big babyface pop. Hogan, the sore loser he is, grabs onto Sid until Flair dumps him out for the victory and World Championship at 1:02:00. After the match, Sid and Hogan get into a bit of an argument in the ring, while the referees rush in to break things up. Anyway, a great rumble, but not the best, in my opinion. Too many dead spots, bulking the ring up for rapid fire eliminations, which are never easy to keep track of when so many people are in the ring. (****)


- Backstage we go as Ric Flair, with Mr. Perfect and Bobby Heenan in tow, is presented with the World Championship Belt by paper-President Jack "Glug Glug Glug" Tunney. We all know what he talks about, so I skip this so I can end the review.


Final Thoughts: A very good opener and a great Rumble match makes this an easy thumbs up. Roddy Piper winning the Intercontinental title is also a plus, even though the match was crappy. The other matches (Bushwhackers/Beverly Brothers, LOD/Disasters) were quite shitty themselves, but not enough to hurt the rest of the show. Blah blah blah, I ramble on and on... Strong Recommendation for the 1992 Royal Rumble.

WWF Royal Rumble 1993"


- Let's keep on trucking along with the 1993 Rumble PPV. From now on, all the reviews will be of the Pay-Per-View versions, unless noted otherwise. The 1993 Rumble marked the first time (officially) that the winner of the match would get a World Title shot at WrestleMania. The only problem with that is they packed the undercard with way too many big names, leaving a sea of jobbers to fill out the Rumble Match, and only 2 people with a hope in hell of winning.


- Live from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, CA on January 24th, 1993. Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon are on commentary, and that's really the highlight of the show. There's no Vince McMahon rambling on about the rumble participants (or many interviews), so we quickly go to the first match of the show...


- The Steiner Brothers vs. The Beverly Brothers:
(Rick & Scott Steiner vs. Beau & Blake Beverly)
The Steiner's had only debuted about a month earlier in the WWF, so this is their first "big" match. The Beverly's are missing the Genius, who I guess left the company in between the last episodes of PrimeTime Wrestling and this PPV. Not too great of a match, with the sole point being to get the Steiner Brothers over. They dominate with their usual stuff of clotheslines and suplexes before the Beverly Brothers make Scott the face-in-peril. That doesn't last too long, as Rick makes the hot tag and cleans house of the pansie brothers. Scott stupidly comes back into the ring, and barely manages to escape a Doomsday Device. Irish whip is reversed, and Scott plants Blake with a nasty Frankensteiner for the three count at 10:46. As some would say, this was "Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling." Neither team really made an effort to have a great match, since it was used mainly to put over the Steiners and to work in all of their big moves. However, it wasn't boring, and the resting was at a minimum. (**)


- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
Shawn Michaels © vs. Marty Jannetty:
VIDEO RECAP! It was about a year ago that Michaels turned on Jannetty on the Barber Shop to kickoff his first heel run. Jannetty was "released" shortly after due to a house arrest sentence, then returned in October of '92 to beat up Shawn on SuperStars of Wrestling, and accidentally on purpose nailed Sherri with Shawn's heart-shaped mirror. The big deal though for this match is that Sherri is in a "nuetral corner", which means she'll turn on the heel somewhere in the middle of the match. Jannetty has some goofy ring attire for this match, that thankfully didn't see the light of day again. Despite the fact that Jannetty is really fucking wasted for this match, they manage to pull of something good. The injection of Sherri into the match throws things off at times, though. Hot finish sees Jannetty picking up near falls after a plethora of high impact moves. A referee bump happens, and we get FACE miscommunication, which allows Michaels to pick up the easy victory over Jannetty at 14:18. After the match, the action spills backstage, which sees a flying orange! Anyway, still a good match, but not near the level of what they were having at the time. Apparently, Jannetty was fired the day after the event, for his personal problems... and he was rehired two months later. (***)


- The Reverend Slick cuts a promo about the WWF's Headlock on Hunger, including a special event held at Madison Square Garden later in the week, where the WWF donated $100,000 to the American Red Cross for the relief efforts in one of those loser countries. I still find it funny that THE UNDERTAKER was cutting promos about how people shouldn't starve to death. Couldn't they have used someone less creepy and to do with death? Oh, and to top it off, Gorilla Monsoon gives out the wrong information for the foundation. He doesn't catch the goof until later in the next match.


- Big Bossman vs. Bam Bam Bigelow:
No build up for this match. Bigelow had returned following the Survivor Series, and the Bossman was on his way out of the company, so Bigelow gets to be fed someone with credibility in hopes of building him up as a monster heel. This being Bossman's last big appearence (on PPV that is), Bobby Heenan makes a momma joke for old times sake. Fairly boring match, which sees a hell of a lot of nothing going on. Bigelow doesn't do much more than punch and resting, and Boss Man's offense is just punching. He does get a suplex in, but it looks like total shit. Bigelow manages to dominate the remainder of the match, and a top rope headbutt is enough to pick up the victory at 10:09. Not exactly the best match to get someone over in terms of match quality, but I guess it did it's job well enough. (1/2*)


- WWF World Championship Match:
Bret "Hitman" Hart © vs. Razor Ramon:
Another match with very little build-up. The recap package shows Ramon making Owen his bitch on Mania and cutting a promo during the middle of a Sacramento Kings game. Gene interviews Bret just as he's about to come to the ring, so it's not very good, and the "it's personal" bit only works if he's feuding with the guy who beat up his family. I wonder how many times Scott Hall watched Scarface to get that awful cuban accent. Stu and Helen Hart are in the front row for the match. Despite the fact Ramon has yet proven he could be a good wrestler, this ends up being a pretty good match. Hart works the knee of Ramon over relentlessly for the early moments of the match. Ramon comes back after whipping Bret ribs first into the ring post, and works over the back for most of the match. Bret makes his comeback, avoiding all of Ramon's big moves. Both men go down on a sunset flip attempt, and from there, Bret magically applies the sharpshooter, and picks up the submission victory at 17:58. Probably Ramon's best match in the WWF under normal rules (a.k.a no gimmick matches). Bret's reign on top will continue on the road to WrestleMania, but who will his opponent be? Let's find out next... (***1/2)


- BUT FIRST! In the most homosexual moment of all time in 1993, Bobby Heenan, after weeks of bragging, unveils the Narcissist... Lex Luger! I say homosexual because Heenan appears to have an orgasm every time he screams at the top of his lungs about Luger's impressive body. Oh look, it's the prostitutes again! This goes on for WAY too long until Luger cuts a half-assed sucky promo on Mr. Perfect. I think I'd rather have had Perfect/Flair work their Retirement match at WrestleMania IX instead of a throw-away episode of Monday Night Raw than having to see this feud.


- More talking, except this time it's Julius Caesar and Cleopatra's cleavage to talk. This is painful to sit through, since Caesar doesn't work WWF Style and can't cut a promo to save his life. Short and simple, they hype up WrestleMania IX being at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, Nevada, on April 4th, 1993 at 4 p.m. EDT. No promos from the participants, so to the match...


- 30-Man Royal Rumble Match:
As mentioned earlier, the winner of the match gets a WWF Title match at WrestleMania IX. Several substitutions were done for Crush and Jim Duggan, but they didn't really explain it. Judging from the Reports leading up to the show though, I can guess it was Max Moon and Terry Taylor who filled in for them, since there's a rumor that the Romble '93 Program featured a page for a Moon/Taylor match on the PPV and that, of course, never happend (and the fact neither were featured in the reports until probably the last minute). In a weird bit of irony, Ric Flair draws his social security number, and Bob Backlund is #2. They do a boring mini-match. #3 is Papa Shango, and in about 30-seconds, Flair dumps him out. I think Shango had an injury at the time, which explains the huge bandage on his arm, and the lack of time in the ring. #4 is Ted Dibiase, and the heels work on Backlund while Heenan constantly makes old man jokes about him. #5 is Brian Knobbs, and he goes for Dibiase. #6 is Virgil, and he goes for Dibiase. Knobbs is gone thanks to... Dibiase. #7 is Jerry Lawler, in a hilarious looking air-brushed singlet. #8 is Max Moon, and he's gone at the hands of Lawler before the next man enters. #9 is Tenryu, who proceeds to do nothing. #10 is Mr. Perfect for the biggest pop of the match at this point, and he goes right for Flair for a nice mini-match. Tenryu stands around in the background the whole time, collecting an easy paycheck.

#11 is the Filthy Pig Skinner™. Moments after his entrance, Perfect eliminates Flair after 20-minutes in the ring. #12 is Koko B. Ware and his huge ass baggy pants. Skinner is gone via a Perfect dropkick. #13 is Headshrinker Samu and #14 is The Berzerker, as more nothing happens. Perfect back drops out Lawler, then Koko and Dibiase double up on Perfect to send him packing. In the background, Berzerker boots Virgil over the top rope and out, but that goes unrecognized by Gorilla and Heenan. #15 is the Undertaker, and here's my original pick to win the Rumble. So long Samu! Bye bye Tenryu! #16 is Terrific Terry Taylor, and he brawls with Ware for 20-seconds before Dibiase sends both of their jobber asses packing. Undertaker chokeslams and dumps Dibiase out. Berzerker is gone by the Undertaker as the GIANT GONZALEZ makes his debut, and eliminates Undertaker in the process. Backlund is still around, possibly getting CPR outside of the ring for being blown up. #17 is Damian Demento, #18 is I.R.S., #19 is Tatanka, #20 is Jerry Saggs.

#21 is Typhoon, who Heenan refers to as "Tugboat" before correcting himself and making fat jokes about him. #22 is Headshrinker Fatu. #23 is Earthquake, and he eliminates his partner. In a shocking coincidence, the Natural Disasters never teamed up again on television. #24 is Carlos Colon, who Monsoon refers to as a YOUNGSTER. He dumps out Demento. #25 is Tito Santana and Fatu is dumped by Backlund. #26 is Rick Martel, and GUESS who has a sucky mini-match among the rest of the Jobbers in the ring. I.R.S. goes flying, charging at Earthquake. #27 is Yokozuna, and he clears the ring of Tatanka (Buffalo!), Carlos Colon, and Earthquake. #28 is Owen Hart and #29 is Repo Man. Everyone gangs up on Yokozuna, but he's just TOO FAT! #30 is Randy Savage. Santana is thrown out by Yokozuna, and Owen Hart dropkicks Sags out. Yokozuna sends Owen packing, and Savage dumps out the Repo Man moments later. Backlund pairs up with Martel while Yokozuna steps on Savage. Backlund manages to eliminate Martel, but stupidly goes after Yokozuna, and is dumped out after an hour in the ring (1:01:13 to be exact, the longest run in the ring until 2004). Savage and Yokozuna do a horrible mini-match, culminating in Savage nailing an elbow drop and PINNING YOKOZUNA, allowing Yokozuna to press slam him over and out for the victory at 1:06:36. Totally uninteresting match with zero star power and way too much fucking dead spots. Easily one of the worst Rumble matches ever. (**1/4)


Final Thoughts: While the undercard featured a couple of very good title matches and a decent opener, the Rumble match was pretty damn awful, and the good in the undercard isn't good enough to save the show. Better matches between Michaels and Jannetty could be found on several episodes of Raw later in the year, and Hart has had countless better matches throughout his entire career to watch, so a Solid Thumbs Down for the 1993 Royal Rumble.

Problem: I forgot I don't have Rumble 2005, so if anyone :Cough:Rowe:Cough: wants to do a guest spot, go for it.

WWF Royal Rumble 1994:


- I'm sure everyone knows why this show is so famous, for both positive and (more so) negative reasons. The undercard is stacked with top names, so some people are pulling double duty for the first time in Rumble history (note: Piper did so in 1992, but his involvment in a singles match wasn't mentioned until the day of the show).


- From the Providence Civic Center in Providence, Rhode Island. Commentary is handled by Vince McMahon and Ted Dibiase. The latter can obviously sound frustrated at times, when Vince would interrupt him and rant for minutes at a time. Gorilla Monsoon and Jim Ross are on "Radio WWF."


- Tatanka vs. Bam Bam Bigelow (w/ Luna Vachon):
Bigelow is a last-minute substitution for Ludvig Borga, who shattered his ankle during a house show match at MSG with Rick Steiner. That ended up being the last we would see of Borga in the WWF. Smart fans (a.k.a everyone but Sean Mooney) would remember these two feuded during the Summer of 1993, but the angle ended up going nowhere, other than in a series of tag team matches and a 6-man at SummerSlam. Pretty boring match, thanks to the fact Tatanka sucks. The most notable part of the match is Bigelow's look. He shaved for the first time ever, and barely has a five o'clock shadow... anyway, Tatanka (Buffalo) makes a big comeback, and pins Bigelow following a top rope cross body press at 8:12. Both men would return later in the night for the Royal Rumble match. Again, a boring match, and not the way to open the show. (*)


- Interview with the Hart Brothers, Bret and Owen, who are set to challenge the NEW Tag Team Champions. A brief clip of the Quebecers pinning the 1-2-3 Kid (teaming with Jannetty) for the titles at MSG is shown.


- WWF Tag Team Championship Match:
The Quebecers © (w/ Johnny Polo) vs. Bret & Owen Hart:
No backstory to the match, but there's plenty for the teaming of the Harts. At Survivor Series, a bit of miscommunication caused Owen's elimination, the only Hart to lose that night. After a confrontation in the ring and a challenge on an episode of Superstars, they apparently made up, and are, for whatever reason, fighting for these titles. The Harts control with their awesome wrestling skills, but the Quebecers manage to break that up with constant double teaming and high impact moves. The match is only "good" until half-way through, when the Quebecers (not the Mounties!) and Johnny Polo beat the ever loving piss out of Bret's knee. This goes on for a good 4 minutes. Finally back in the ring, Bret makes a valiant comeback on both men, and applies the Sharpshooter on Pierre... but his knee "blows out", and referee Tim White (before he killed himself to no success) calls for the bell at 16:48, giving the match to the Quebecers! After the match, Owen throws a tantrum in the ring while Bret struggles back to his feet. Bret does so on his own, so Owen snaps, and kicks Bret's leg from under him, and storms off. Interview time, as Owen cuts a scathing promo about being in Bret's shadow, all while Bret is stretchered out of the ring. Owen ends up blowing his lines though, with the infamous "that's why I kicked your leg from under your... leg..." line. Still, an awesome storyline being kicked off. The match itself is probably worth roughly 3-stars, but the post-match shenanigans is a bonus. (****)


- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
Razor Ramon © vs. Irwin R. Schyster:
Probably the "high point" of I.R.S.' singles run, as he stole Ramon's gold necklaces a few weeks before hand to set this one up. Gorilla and Ross are calling the match, for whatever reason. A totally boring match that is given the task of following up on the last match. It doesn't, of course. We get the obligatory ref' bump, and here's Shawn Michaels to KO Ramon with his IC Title, allowing I.R.S. to cover for the title... BUT WAIT! Another referee comes down to inform the original referee of what happend, and the match continues... for 5-seconds. Ramon wins with the Razor's Edge at 11:30 and retains the title. This finish was used for all of Ramon's matches at the time. Hell, one of them was even used on a crappy Coliseum Video! (3/4*)


- WWF Championship; Casket Match:
Yokozuna © (w/ Fuji & Cornette) vs. The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer):
This one is NOT going to be pretty. This was set up because Yokozuna is afraid of the Undertaker. Why it's a casket match is anyones guess. Another crappy match in a series of them. They wrestle for about 5-minutes, then the goofy shit parade begins. The Undertaker throws... er, rolls Yokozuna into the casket.. and here's Crush to stop the action! Undertaker fights him off. Now it's the Great Kabuki and Tenryu to fight the Undertaker. He fights them off. Bam Bam Bigelow? fought off. Adam Bomb, Jeff Jarrett? He fights them off, too. The Head Shrinkers? Undertaker still fights them off. Diesel? Still fights them off. I should note this is a 10-on-1 situation! But wait, there's more! Yokozuna steals the urn from Bearer, and empties the contents... green smoke, that polutes the air for the next 30-minutes! Undertaker plays dead as everyone hits a big move. After about 10 minutes of this nonsense, the Undertaker is finally locked into the casket, giving Yokozuna the match at 14:20.

You'd think it was all over, but that's not going to happen. As the casket is pushed down the aisle, smoke floods out of the casket as all of the heels run away with their tails between their legs. Then we get a CASKET CAM, where the Undertaker cuts a promo... while he's "dying." Then, just to show you wrestling isn't stupid, the UNDERTAKER RAISES FROM BEHIND THE SCREEN INTO THE "HEAVENS!" Yes, the cable wires are noticable, even with the lights off... and the Undertaker appears to be 6-feet tall. (-***; no explanation needed).


- 30-Man Royal Rumble Match:
The intervals will only be 90-seconds each this year, due to time restraints. Damn you, too much time given to terrible wrestling! #1 is Scott Steiner and #2 is Headshrinker Samu. They do stuff for a bit, doing nothing of note. #3 is Rick Steiner, and they double up on Samu and dump his ass out. #4 is KWANG (subbing for Ludvig Borga), and he spits mist into Rick Steiner's face, before getting constantly squashed by Scott. #5 is Owen Hart, recently turned heel, and he quickly throws out Rick Steiner. Cowardly heel Owen rules! #6 is Bart Gunn, and he hammers away on people. #7 is Diesel, to very little reaction. Time to clean house! There goes Bart Gunn, then Scott Steiner, then Owen Hart (to a big pop) and finally Kwang the Puerto Rican Ninja, all at the hands of Diesel. #8 is Bob Backlund. After going over an hour in 1993, he only lasts about 40-seconds here. #9 is Billy Gunn, and he lasts even less time than that. #10 is Virgil, subbing for Kamala (yes, they hyped KAMALA for this match), and Dibiase gets in a few remarks before Diesel sends him packing too.

#11 is Randy Savage, to the biggest pop of the match so far. He wipes the floor of Diesel and comes pretty close to eliminating his big doofy ass. #12 is Double J Jeff Jarrett, who stupidly works over Savage to let Diesel recover. Savage ends up saving himself from elimination and throws Jarrett 10-feet into the air to send him back to the showers. #13 is Crush, the guy currently feuding with Savage. They do some stuff until Diesel joins in for the double team, until Crush casually dumps Savage out. #14 is Doink The Clown, who does a few comedy spots until getting squashed. #15 is Bam Bam Bigelow, and he quickly throws Doink out for a nice little bump. #16 is Mabel, and look at the fat in the ring. #17 is Thurman "Sparky" Plugg, making his WWF Debut, subbing for the 1-2-3 Kid! #18 is Shawn Michaels, and everyone sans Michaels gangs up to eliminate Diesel... despite the fact everyone swears Shawn helped on WWF TV. #19 is Mo of M.O.M., and he doesn't do much. #20 is Greg Valentine, doing a guest spot without a stupid blue mask on.

#21 is Tatanka. #22 is the GREAT Kabuki. Everyone gangs up to Mabel, while Mo flops around the ring trying to sell. #23 is LEX LUGER, and he quickly dumps Kabuki out. So you import a guy for a 90-second appearence? #24 is Tenryu, who goes after Luger. #25 is NO ONE (it was supposed to be Bastion Booger, apparently), #26 is Rick Martel. #27 is Bret Hart, and he's still selling the knee injury from earlier in the night. #28 is Headshrinker Fatu, and Crush is eliminated by a handful of good guys. #29 is Marty Jannetty, and he has his obvious mini-match with former partner Shawn Michaels. Crush backstage brawls with Randy Savage, in a COLISEUM VIDEO EXCLUSIVE! #30 is Adam Bomb... yes, nearly half the field is still in the ring! Rapid eliminations time! Bret dumps out Plugg, Greg Valentine by Martel, Martel by Tatanka (that's for stealing his feathers in 1992!), Adam Bomb by Luger, Mo by FATU, Tatanka by Bigelow, Bigelow by Luger, Jannetty by Michaels, and Tenryu by Hart and Luger. The Final Four is Bret, Luger, Shawn, and... FATU? Well, Fatu and Shawn are quickly thrown out simultaniously in opposite corners. Bret and Luger brawl for a moment before both men tumble out of the ring at the same time at 55:08. Afterwards, we spend about 8-minutes deciding who the winner is, and the result is... the WINNERS are Bret Hart and Lex Luger! I wonder how that's going to work out. Anyway, not too good of a Rumble match, especially with all the clustering, but it's not the worst I've ever seen. (***)


- Final Thoughts: The only thing worth a damn on this card is the Tag Team Title Match. The opener sucked, the IC Title Match sucked, the World Title Match is an embarrasment to the sport, and the Rumble match was lacking in doubt of who was going to win. I'm sure EVERYONE knew it was either Luger or Bret, but not both of them. Slight Recommendation to Avoid.

I liked the 93 rumble. It had Bob Backlund almost going the distance. Plus the GIANT GONZALES debut. I liked HBK/Janettey better than Hart/Ramon. But both were good matches.

I took points away for a very weird situation that happend early...


Michaels rams Jannetty's right shoulder into the post, and Jannetty, drunk off his ass, sells the left... so Shawn does it again, this time to his left. Then Jannetty just lies around rather than selling the arm well.

WWF Royal Rumble 1995:


- More Rumble crap. This Rumble marks what I think is the low point of the WWF's run. After having a not-too-bad 1994, everything went down the shitter starting around this time.


- Live from Tampa, FL, it's the Woyal Wumble! Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler are on commentary. Also, Pamela Anderson and her huge tits are hanging around to try and trick people into buying this show just to see her.


- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
Razor Ramon © vs. Jeff Jarrett (w/ The Roadie):
I don't really remember why these two were feuding. I guess it's just a "i want your title feud." The Roadie is Brian Armstrong, about a month into his run with this gimmick after a not-so-successful run in WCW. Decent, if not an uneventful match. Ramon does nothing of note outside of his few signature moves, and Jarrett plays the cowardly heel that relies too much on his corner man. And sure enough, the Roadie clips the knee of Ramon outside of the ring, and Ramon is counted out at 11:14... but wait! Jeff Jarrett doesn't want it that way. Yes, they did this several times already with Jarrett during 1994, with losing results. The match restarts, with Ramon getting his injured knee worked over. Ramon mounts the comeback, but his know "Blows out" on him, and Jarrett rolls him up for the three count at 18:03. Jarrett is the NEW Intercontinental Champion, and is going to change the WWF to the Double J-F! Anyway, decent match. (**)


- The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. Irwin R. Schyster:
For those who blocked out the horrible build up to this match, I.R.S. randomly started cutting promos at cemetaries, repossesing flowers and tombstones... wait, shouldn't this feud have happend with Barry Darsow? Now that would've made sense... an I.R.S. and Repo Man tandum. THINK OF THE RATINGS NA'! Despite the fact that Mike Rotundo is a good wrestler, the Undertaker was still not busting out the workrate, so this match is just so fucking slow and dull. Mercy finally comes as the Undertaker pins I.R.S. following a chokeslam at 12:20. But wait, there's more! For no reason, King Kong Bundy comes down to the ring and gets into a brawl with the Undertaker, while I.R.S. and Dibiase steal the urn from Paul Bearer. (Yes, the NEW Generation featured pushes for guys like King Kong Bundy, Bob Backlund, and Jerry Lawler.) Really bad match. (DUD)


- WWF World Championship Match:
Diesel © vs. Bret "Hitman" Hart:
This is Bret's first match back since the injury sustained at Survivor Series '94 (kayfabe). Both men are babyfaces, so instead of a rivalry of hate, it's "out of respect." Despite the fact they fought at King of the Ring 6-months earlier and hated each other. As usual for the two, they put on a pretty good match. Diesel controls with his high impact offense, while Bret takes some heel heat by constantly working over the leg of Diesel. Then the nonsense begins. Diesel powerbombs Bret, but Michaels runs in for the DQ... wait, no! The referee says the match must continue! Later on, Bret has the sharpshooter applied, but now Owen and Backlund run in to draw the DQ... but wait, the referee says the match must continue again! Then everyone and more people run in to attack both men for the REAL finish at 27:18, a No Contest. 30-Minutes for that finish? Pfft... good match until the parade of nonsense. (***)


- WWF Tag Team Title Tournament Finals:
The 1-2-3 Kid & Bob Holly vs. Bam Bam Bigelow & Tatanka (w/ Ted Dibiase):
For those who care, Bigelow/Tatanka got here by beating MOM and the NEW Head Shrinkers, and the Kid/Holly, subbing for the Gunns, went through the teams of Well Dunn and the Heavenly Bodies. Despite the obvious fact that Holly and Kid were undercard losers, the match is pretty good, going the old Rocky route. The plucky underdogs versus the guys everyone assumes will win just because they probably will. Bam Bam and Tatanka remain on offense for probably 90% of the match, only allowing offense here and there. In a moment that would change Bam Bam's career forever (not), he goes to the top for a moonsault, but Tatanka bounces off the ropes at the same time, knocking Bam Bam off, and the 1-2-3 Kid slings an arm across his chest for the three count and Tag Team Titles at 15:45! Too bad the Kid and Holly went on to lose the titles the next NIGHT to the Smoking Gunns. Nice long-term booking, guys. Anyway, after the match, Bigelow wanders around the ring looking for Turkey and the Baldies... I mean, clearing his head, then comes across Lawrence Taylor "laughing" at him. After a few words are exchanged, Bigelow shoves him to the ground, to which a LT lackey responds "what's wrong with that guy?!" Anyway, good match, although it would've helped if the match weren't so lop-sided. (***)


- 30-Man Royal Rumble Match:
Becuase someone booking was mentally retarded, intervals are 60-seconds, which guarantees nothing of note could possibly happen with the constant entries of 30-men. #1 is Shawn Michaels, who has someones initials taped on his fist. I still don't know whose. #2 is Davey Boy Smith, starting the Rumble match for his second time in a row. They have a rushed mini-match. #3 is Eli Blu, a.k.a one of those talentless Harris Brothers. #4 is Duke Droese. #5 is Jimmy DelRay. Nothing happens, if you couldn't guess. #6 is Seone (formerly the Barbarian), and DelRay is dumped by Davey Boy. #7 is Dr. Tom Prichard. #8 is Doink The Clown. #9 is Kwang the Ninja. #10 is The Model Rick Martel, subbing for the released Jim Neidhart.

#11 is Owen Hart, and he gets attacked from behind by Bret, who beats the crap out of him long enough for Timothy Well to enter as #12. Owen finally enters the ring, and is back dropped out 3-seconds later by Bulldog. Then the eliminations come at a super rapid speed. Droese is gone thanks to Shawn, Well by Bulldog, Martel by Seone, Prichard by Michaels, Doink by Kwang, Kwang by Seone, Seone and Eli Blu at the same time, leaving Bulldog and Michaels in the ring. Here, at age 10, I knew Michaels and Bulldog would be the last two, so any idiot could've seen it coming. #13 is Bushwhacker Luke, and Michaels sends him packing right after. #14 is Jacob Blue, with the same results. #15 is King Kong Bundy, and he makes everything stop dead. #16 is Mo of MOM, and he's gone in less than 2 seconds. Lawler going nuts on commentary over this is still funny to me. #17 is Mabel of MOM, and the fat of him and Bundy pull each other into the center of the ring. #18 is Bushwhacker Butch, and he lasts slightly longer than Luke. Bundy is gone thanks to Mabel. #19 is Lex Luger, and he throws Mabel out as if he weighed 5 pounds. #20 is Mantaur, and he really sucks.

#21 is Aldo Montoya, #22 is Henry Godwinn, #23 is Billy Gunn, #24 is Bart Gunn, and #25 is Bob Backlund. Bret Hart attacks him too, and once again, a member of Well Dunn enters during this fiasco, with Steven Dunn as #26. Once Backlund enters the ring, Luger clotheslines him right out. #27 is Dick Murdoch, #28 is Adam Bomb, who has a seizure on the way to the ring, and #29 is Headshrinker Fatu. Mantaur is gone after being humped out of the ring by Luger. #30 is the returning Crush, who disappeared right after this match. He and Murdoch double up to send both Gunns out at the same time. Steven Dunn is gone thanks to Aldo Montoya. Bomb by Crush, Montoya by Michaels, Fatu by Crush, Murdoch by his own hand when doing an airplane spin on Godwinn, and Godwinn by Luger, leaving the final four as Shawn, Bulldog, Luger, and Crush. Shawn dumps Luger after some mounted punches, then Bulldog dumps Crush. Yep, Shawn vs. Bulldog ends it, in an "impressive" accomplishment, thanks to super-short intervals. Anyway, Bulldog wipes the floor with him and clotheslines Shawn out, but Shawn hangs on, and knocks a celebrating Davey Boy out for the victory at 38:39. I don't get the love for this match at all. Nothing of note happens, the field of participants was pathetic, the fact the match was barely longer than the World Title Match isn't too impressive, and any idiot could see the out-come 6 minutes into the match. (*1/2)


Final Thoughts: The show is worth watching for the undercard, sans IRS/Undertaker, but stop the tape before the Royal Rumble match, which features the greatest collection of Jobbers and bad gimmicks in the history of WWF PPV's. Mild Recommendation overall.

This rumble gets love becuase it's Dick Murdoch's last match. It basically killed him. He was great in it. And it was a treat to see Doug Gilbert and Jerry Lawler put him over.

I remember liking that Diesel/Bret match quite a bit as a kid. Although it's nothing compared to their great Survivor Series bout from later that year.

WWF Royal Rumble 1996:


- Once again, I'm getting major bored doing all these reviews, and will be on the verge of suicide again. Anyway, the 1996 Rumble continues the streak of bad Rumble matches, but let's check out what is going on before I can completely bash it.


- Royal Rumble 1996 Free For All Match: (Winner enters #30, Loser enters #1):
Duke "The Dumpster" Droese vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley:
Helmsley would die, be buried, and spin over in his grave if he had to do shit like this today. Lockup and Helmsley with a side headlock, and Droese with a shoulder block followed by a snap suplex. Irish Whip and Droese with a monkey flip. Ten punches in the corner is stopped at 5 thanks to an inverted atomic drop. Irish whip to the buckle by Hunter but he eats boot and Droese with a few chops. Droese posts himself like a moron and HHH with a single arm DDT. He does it again which is stupid, and goes to an armbar. Hunter jerks the arm a bit and goes to another version of the armbar. Droese hammers out and runs into a running knee. Knee drop to the arm by Hunter and back to the armbar. To the top rope and he eats boot and does the Flair selling by falling face first to the mat. Droese wins the fist fight and back body drops Hunter, followed by a hip toss and clothesline. Hennig calls Hunter "Triple H." Droese with a BIG powerslam. Its time to take out the trash! Hunter escapes the side suplex, but gets caught with a back suplex instead. Droese snaps, and we have a ref bump. Hunter gets a pair of plastic knuckles out and clobbers Droese, picking up the win at 6:24. But wait...Gorilla Monsoon, president at large, reverses the decision, giving the match to DUKE DROESE. HHH screwed HHH. First type of these matches and we already have a screwy finish. Not too good, either. (*1/2)


- Ahmed Johnson vs. "Double J" Jeff Jarrett:
This is the official opening match of the Royal Rumble PPV. For those lazy enough to not remember this nonsense feud, Jarrett attacked Johnson at IYH 5 for no reason other than because Jarrett's from the south, and Johnson is black. Jarrett has his guitar with him again (which he continued to do for the rest of his career) and that comes into play later. Jarrett's boring style actually brings out the best of Ahmed, which isn't saying much. Ahmed has the match won, but Jarrett says fuck it (not literally) and comes off the top rope, SMASHING Ahmed over the head with the guitar. That had to hurt, and Ahmed sells it like someone dropped an Anvil on his head. Johnson is the winner by DQ at 6:39. Like previously mentioned, Jarrett worked a good wrestling match, although it's basically the same match he worked with everyone else. Oh yeah, and Ahmed Johnson sucked ass. (**)


- WWF Tag Team Championship Match:
The Smoking Gunns © vs. The Body Donnas (w/ Sunny):
Sunny debuts her newest look...wearing a cheerleader outfit. No complaints here! The Cameraman, probably a pervert, takes a shot up Sunnys skirt after Billy Gunn knocks her off the apron, where she "pretends" to be injured. She's not, but the plan doesn't work. In case I missed something, I'll just rewind it a few times to prove myself right...(rewinds for about 20 minutes) Oh, sorry. No real feud here, and for those wondering, the Donnas are Skip & Zip (Tom Prichard with a buzzcut and bleached hair). The front row cheers wildly for Sunny squatting between the middle and bottom ropes, and who can blame them? Finish comes when Billy Gunn spears down Zip while Bart Gunn small packages Skip for the win at 11:14. Really wasn't feeling this match, and considering Chris Candido (Skip) and Tom Prichard (Zip) are fairly good workers respectively, the Smoking Gunns weren't. Afterwards we get a replay of the recent Billionaire Ted skits from the last month or so. The first one comes after the third one apparently, and they mix stuff around. (*)


- WWF-Intercontinental Championship Match:
Razor Ramon © vs. Goldust (w/ "The Director"):
The Director would be named Marlena, a.k.a Terri Runnels the next night, and was still really hot before becoming a skeleton with skin. She's also slurping on a cigar, or to quote George Carlin, "a big brown dick." Another example of the "New" WWF, bringing in women valets that weren't ugly and made the male fans "Stand in attention." Really bad match, as Goldust's homosexual actions ruin the match, especially when he feels up the chest of Razor and likes being slapped on the ass. While Marlena distracts the referee on the apron, The 1-2-3 Kid runs in with a heel kick off the top rope to Razor, allowing Goldust to pick up the win and Title at 14:15. DUD Razor's Royal Rumble curse continues. In 1994, he did a fake title loss to I.R.S., lost the IC Title to Jarrett in 1995 Rumble, and loses it AGAIN at this Rumble.


- 30 Man Royal Rumble Match (Winner faces the champion at Wrestlemania XII):
2 Minute Intervals once again this year. #1 is Hunter Hearst Helmsley (due to the FFA Loss) and who else but Henry Godwinn enters #2. Nothing happens until Jake "The Snake" Roberts enters as #7 (for the third time I think) and scares off everyone with his new snake, and makes Lawler the first victim. Lawler ends up hiding under the ring for half of the match. Roberts, who they advertised with a picture from 1990, looks about 60 years old here and is sporting a gut. Still gets a VERY impressive pop for his entrance though. Dory Funk Jr. enters as #8, and looks like he's 80 years old, and McMahon actually mentions him as a NWA World Champion. Hennig hollers "yee-haw" to the banjo music he comes out to. We get our first elimination at the 16:00 mark, and it's Bob Backlund. #11 is the JAPANESE Takao Omori, and GUESS whos theme music he gets. Seriously, just guess. McMahon has no knowledge of Omori. Jake Roberts eliminates Omori soon after. #13 is VADER with Jim Cornette, and he wipes the floor with everyone he comes into contact with.

#14 is Doug Gilbert of the USWA, and Hennig actually mentions about teaming with his brother, the late-Eddie Gilbert earlier in his (Hennig's) career. Gilbert gets some funky music and NO reaction, and Vader pretty much kills him for most of his tenure before dumping him out a few minutes later. Vader clotheslines Roberts all the way from the middle of the ring to eliminate him. #15 is a Head Hunter (some fat black guy who weighs 450 lbs) and Vader easily dumps him out. #16 is the other Head Hunter and Yokozuna takes care of him. Shawn Michaels returns at #18, and easily dumps Vader & Yokozuna AT THE SAME TIME. Time for Rant: Now serious, in 1993 EIGHT MEN Couldn't dump out Yokozuna when he weighed 505 pounds. Here, Shawn Michaels who weighs 220 pounds, dumped out 1,100 pounds of wrestlers SINGLE HANDEDLY WITH NO TROUBLE WHATSOEVER!

Vader, rightfully pissed off, murders everyone in the ring and dumps them all out, but Gorilla Monsoon rules that it doesn't count. This rule was ignored in 1993 of course, as well as 2002 and 2004. This sets up a very historic RAW moment the next night, as the two have words in the middle of the ring here. Tatanka makes his return as #20, and actually comes out to his original music, but is still a heel. Shawn Michaels finally throws out Lawler at 40:31, who had been hiding for most of the match. Kama returns as #23 and has a shaved head. The Ringmaster is able to dump out Holly at 45:45, who had been in the ring for most of the match. Diesel ends Helmsley's iron man performance at 47:59 with no trouble.

Marty Jannetty enters at #28 and we of course get a heated confrontation between him and Michaels, who work a mini match in the ring until putting each other down with a double punch. Hennig says "They're rockin' now." Those who don't know, Hennig was a close friend with both Marty & Shawn. No, that has nothing to do with anything, but it's fun listening to all the Hennig stories Jannetty tells in his recent shoot interview. Match comes down to Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Davey Boy Smith, and Kama. Diesel & Shawn eliminate the other two and Michaels superkicks Diesel out for the win at 58:49. **1/2 One of the more boring rumble matches, but it wasn't as bad as the next few. Diesel is not happy with the finish and this signals his full heel turn. For those who care, this match was the last time we would see King Mabel on these tapes.


- WWF World Championship Match:
Bret "Hitman" Hart © vs. The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer):
Diesel is STILL in the entrance area, and the Undertaker and himself have a little confrontation, where Undertaker beats up Diesel for his trouble. Probably one of the more boring Hart matches I have ever seen, and he isn't really dogging it. Working a good match with an undead Zombie is a little complicated in normal rules matches, so Hart relies a lot on working the knee, which he gets BOOED for. Near the end Bret pulls off the protective mask of Taker, who has no visible scarring. Undertaker has the match won, but Diesel returns, beats up the referee for the DQ at 28:27, and FLIPS UNDERTAKER OFF! McMahon acts like its the worst thing ever to do, and at the time, probably was something new. Just too boring and brutally long Taker match to recommend tracking this down. Overall, a very boring PPV that has nothing really memorable that needs to be seen. (*1/2)


Final Thoughts: Total lack-luster PPV. when the best match is a mediocre contest between AHMED JOHNSON and Jeff Jarrett, you know somethings up. The Rumble sucked, the main event sucked, the undercard sucked for the most part, and nothing of note is worth tracking down. Solid Recommendation to Avoid.

I hate it when the Rumble doesn't go on last. It just makes the whole thing seem not worth it, for whatever reason.

I hate that too, but when you look at some of these rumbles, you can guess why they didn't go on last.

Yeah, but when the Rumble is the main selling feature of the show, it just feels wrong.

I love your HBK comments in the 1996 Rumble too.

Like I always say, if you've got hate in your heart, let it out.

I always feel like such a hypocrite when I spend the majority of a review making fun of everything Shawn Michaels does, only to give it a *** rating at the end.

So? Do what I do... Jew him out of the stars while bashing him with all your might.

WWF Royal Rumble 1997:


- Held at the Alamo Dome in the hometown of Shawn Michaels. Despite selling about 40,000 tickets based on Shawn/Sid rematch alone, the crowd was still heavily papered, about around 20,000 tickets handed out to whoever wanted to come in and waste 4 hours. The show also featured one of the rarest moments in wrestling history, as well as the advancement of one of the biggest angles of 1997. With that out of the way, onto the PPV. Same rules though. No detailed review. Just random comments and insults. You know, the usual.


- Mascarita Sagrada Jr. & La Parkita vs. Mini Mankind & Mini Vader:
If the state of the WWF couldn't even more sad and pathetic, I bring you the reintroduction of midget matches since the infamous Dink, Wink, Pink and Sleezy, Queesy, and Cheesy trio of midgets from the Survivor Series 1994 time frame. Somehow, dressing up two mexicans as Vader and Mankind didn't go over with the crowd. La Parkita is a midget form of La Parka (DUH!), and Mascarita Sagrada is better known as Max Mini. This was on the Free For All, which means no one got to pay for this piece of crap. Since I hate midgets, I'll do basic commentary. Everyone does about 500 arm drags and slams with a lot of no selling. This craptastic match comes to an end when Sagrada pins Vader with a crucifix at 4:31. N/R At least it was short, in case you ever bother watching this match.


- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
Hunter Hearst Helmsley (w/ Mr. Hughes) vs. Goldust (w/ Marlena):
Wait a minute you're probably saying... wasn't Goldust a heel the last time we saw him? Well, depending on who you ask, someone was getting on McMahon's ass because of the Goldust character, resulting in a hot shot face turn where Goldust denied the accusations of being a homosexual and admited a relationship with his manager, Marlena. Mr. Hughes is making a VERY Brief return to the WWF for the 3rd time, as the "Butler" of Hunter H. Helmsley. He was fired probably the next week, for reasons ranging from the usual (Worthless) to the bizarre (moonlighting at an S&M bar). Speaking of bizarre... you'll find out later. The obviously papered crowd boos Goldust, because they obviously don't know he turned face, and probably aren't too big of fans. Anyway, a much too long and dull match between two sub-par workers. Goldust of course mounts the big babyface comeback, but a little altercation on the apron between Goldust and Mr. Hughes allows Helmsley to sneak up on Goldust and finish him off with the Pedigree to retain the title at 16:49. *1/4 Whoever thought giving these two guys more than ten minutes should've been hung by the balls, and if it was a woman, force her to sniff Pat Patterson's skidmark underpants.


- We get various promos from Rumble participants throughout the show from Bret Hart, Mankind, Terry Funk, Steve Austin, and most importantly, the Brtish Bulldog. Why do I say that about the Bulldog? I say that because he says he'll win the Royal Rumble... because he's Bizarre. I have no fucking clue what that is supposed to mean.


- Ahmed Johnson vs. Faarooq (w/ The Nation of Domination):
After months of boring build up and Ahmed recovering from emergency surgery, we finally get the big meeting between Ahmed Johnson and Faarooq. I don't see how this is a Nation affair, considering Ahmed was attacked by Nerf-Helmet Gladiator Faarooq, not Black Militant Faarooq. Not that you'll be surprised, but this is worse than the last match. Not because it was long and boring, but because both men were barely were able to be carried to good matches by the greatest wrestlers, and it was boring. Both men do nothing more than punching and kicking, with the usual elbow being used. Although the match is pretty bad, at least Faarooq is smart enough to work the lower back/kidney area of Johnson. Johnson no sells a Spinebuster and nails his own. He calls for the Plunge, but in comes Crush and the rest of the Nation to draw the DQ at 8:44. 1/2* Like I always say, if you ever travel back in time, don't touch anything. In the only high spot of the match, Johnson does a Pearl River Plunge style move on one of the Nation lackies through a table! No, it wasn't D'Lo Brown. It was some other random black guy. Oh well, at least that was pretty damn cool. So much for the French table being labeled a pussy.


- The Undertaker vs. Vader:
I don't think this match had any traditional build up, as in anything that doesn't make it thrown together, but Jim Ross says the Undertaker assaulted Vader's manager, Jim Cornette on an episode of Superstars. These two ended up having a pretty kickass match at Canadian Stampede later in the year, so this should be good too, right? Well, you'll be disappointed, because neither guy looks to be into the match, especially considering the circumstances that Vader hasn't been pushed since jobbing out to HBK and Sid, and the Undertaker hasn't been given a meaningful push out of the midcard since his 2 week feud with Bret Hart in January '96. Paul Bearer makes his presence felt by assaulting the Undertaker with the urn, allowing Vader to land a Vader Bomb and pin the Undertaker at 13:19. Yes, the biggest moment of the night... The Undertaker did a fucking pinfall job! AND ON PPV! * Match was nothing to write home about, sorry to say.


- Perro Aguayo, Canek, Hector Garza vs. Jerry Estrada, Heavy Metal, Fuerza Guerrera:
Don't even fucking ask me about this, because I have no fucking clue at what the hell was going on. For some reason WWF was using these losers (and various others) on their programing for a few weeks until someone realized no one gave a fuck about them. Maybe Vince Russo was right this time... americans watch for american wrestlers, not mexicans. In a glorious moment of closed captions, they call Heavy Metal "Whatever Heavy." Some fans will recognize Hector Garza and Heavy Metal from the TNA Americas-X Cup Tournaments, and I'm sure the others are known to Lucha fans in Mexico. The match is drizzling shit bad, with a super deflated crowd, and everything either misses by a mile, or is no sold like the person was the Undertaker. The finish sees Aguayo pin Metal following a double stomp that missed pretty fucking badly at 10:57. DUD If I wanted to dip into the negative ratings, it wouldn't be much of a stretch here.


- 30 Man Royal Rumble Match:
#1 is Crush, and to make sure we know the drawing is random, #2 is Ahmed Johnson, the guy feuding with the Nation of Domination, a group that Crush is a member of. They do nothing of note, and since the clock and buzzer doesn't work, Razor Ramon enters at #3 to little fan fair. He gets eliminated 7 seconds later to little fan fair. Soon after Ahmed jumps over the top to chase Faarooq down the aisle. What, don't black people know what it means to go through the ropes? #4 is Phineas Godwinn, but no one cares. #5 is Steve Austin, and he gets monkey spanked by a Hillbilly until heel miscommunication sees Godwinn dump Crush, and then Austin Stunner and eliminate Phineas. #6 is Bart Gunn, and he's gone as fast as I can type that. #7 is Jake Roberts, wearing his old school black trunks with a dark green outlining of a snake. He works a wristlock a while, but gets dumped going for the DDT. #8 is the British Bulldog, and he whoops Austins ass to face reactions because of his teased face turn. #9 is Pierroth, a somewhat famous heel (or rudo) in AAA. No, that's not the car repair and towing place. He gets no reaction though. #10 is the Sultan, and he gets even less heat. Lots of useless hugging all match. #11 is Mil Mascaras, a legend in Lucha Libre, and he gets some pretty good reactions for doing basically nothing to the Sultan. #12 is Hunter Hearst Helmsley sans heat, and the Sultan is dumped soon after by Bulldog. Austin and Hunter brawl years before they're supposed to hate each other. #13 is Owen Hart. Bulldog and Owen double team Austin until Owen double crosses Bulldog and dumps him out. He claims it was an accident, though. #14 is Goldust, and nothing happens. #15 is Cibernetico, another AAA loser that no one in the states cares about.

More nothing happens until Marc Mero's music hits, and then the eliminations are rapid fire. Pierroth dumps Cibernetico, Mil Mascaras dumps Pierroth, and Mil Mascaras does a plancha off the top rope to eliminate himself. Rumors are he said he would only do the match if he would eliminate himself. The elimination fun continues as Goldust dumps out his nemesis Hunter Hearst Helmsley. #17 is Latin Lover, another damn loser. After some nothing, Goldust gets dumped by Owen. #18 is Faarooq, and we get more rapid fire eliminations. Faarooq dumps the Loser, Ahmed runs in to eliminate Faarooq, and Austin dumps both Owen and Mero by himself to stay alone in the ring. #19 is Savio Vega, but he's a JTTS now, and he's gone shortly after. #20 is Double J Jesse James, but he too is nothing more than a JTTS, and Austin makes short work of him. #21 is Bret Hart, and Austin proceeds to shit his pants on cue with the music. They proceed to have the best exchange of the match until Jerry Lawler enters as #22. He starts a sentence "It takes a king" before entering the ring, gets knocked our 3 seconds later, then comes back and finishes with "to know a king." Funny shit I tells ya'! J.R. coins the phrase "through Hellfire and Brimstone" during an Austin/Hart exchange. No eliminations happen until the remaining 8 men enter, so here you go with the entries: #23 "Diesel", #24 Terry Funk, #25 Rocky Miavia, #26 Mankind, #27 Flash Funk, #28 Vader, #29 Henry O. Godwinn, and #30 The Undertaker. Undertaker chokeslams everyone then has an exchange with Kane... I mean Diesel. Flash Funk is the next to go, courtesy of a overhead slam from Vader. That had to hurt. HOG is out via the Undertaker. Mankind eliminated Miavia with the mandible claw. Mankind then eliminates Terry Funk, but gets dumped as well by The Undertaker. While Mankind and Funk brawl, Hart dumps Austin. He sneaks back in the ring to dump out Undertaker and Vader, Hart dumps out Diesel, and Austin hurls Bret Hart out... to become the winner at 50:27?! The referees apparently didn't see Austin being eliminated and declare him the winner and #1 Contender for Wrestlemania. Color me surprised, because at the time, I was pissed at that finish. Bret Hart of course cries about the loss to anyone that will listen. ** Not one of the better Rumble matches. Maybe one of the worst if I think hard about it.


- WWF World Championship Match:
Psycho Sid © vs. Shawn Michaels (w/ Jose Lethario):
The long awaited rematch from Survivor Series '96. Sid is supposed to be the heel you could say, but Shawn has been heeling it up for weeks, but no one bought into it and thus his scheduled heel turn was canceled. If the WWF broadcast team isn't lying, Michaels is suffering from the flu, which doesn't spell good news for anyone. Much shorter match than at Survivor Series, which is a good thing, but when Sid is relied on to carry a match in the main event of one of the WWF's Big-4 PPV's, it doesn't smell too successful. After a little referee bump or two, Michaels pulls a Sid and clobbers him with a camera, but Sid kicks out at two. Shawn then follows with Sweet Chin Music, and Hebner counts for three after about 15 seconds of delaying at 13:42. Way to go Sid. My mother could've kicked out of that slow ass 3 count. *3/4 Definitely not a BAD match, but again, Sid was doing most of the work, and you can see neither man had it in him to go much longer, resulting in one of the shortest WWF Title matches on PPV since Diesel and Yokozuna were champions.


Final Thoughts: Another bad Rumble PPV, with nothing of note worth tracking down here, except to see Sid try and carry a match with Shawn Michaels... oh, and to see a totally dead crowd for about 2 hours. Like the 1996 Rumble, this one gets a Strong Recommendation to Avoid label.

WWF Royal Rumble 1998:


- The Royal Rumble for quite a few years at this point, was becoming a bit of a disappointment, thanks to a seriously lacking roster (1997 had a bunch of mexicans for christ's sake!), and "reused" superstars from previous matches, something that, between 1988 and 1993, only happend once (Roddy Piper in 1992, and only because he was a last minute replacement for Bret in the IC Title Match). 1998 continues the trend, but will that be enough to shoot down an entire show?


Free For All Highlights:
- Dok (or is it Doc?) Hendrix and Sunny (skanked out) run down some of the stuff we'll be seeing on this show... including MIKE TYSON, who doesn't exactly get the warmest reception, despite being one of the most popular fighters in recent history (for better or worse). They keep hyping him for Raw the next night, however. I wonder if anything of importance is going to happen then....
- Tito Santana (then a spanish broadcaster) talks about (in kayfabe) the Royal Rumble Match. Look at that clip from 1988 with Tito!
- Interviews with several of the Royal Rumble Participants, including Cactus Jack, Chainsaw Charlie (Terry Funk under a pantyhose mask), Jeff Jarrett (NWA Champ!), and The Nation of Domination (Rock, Faarooq, D'Lo, Kama, and newest member, Mark Henry).


1. The Man They Call Vader vs. The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust (w/ Luna):
For those who completely blocked out this time frame, Vader and Goldust have had a beef ever since the Survivor Series, when Goldust walked out on team USA (which included spousal abusive Marc Mero, white-boy wanna-be tough-guy Steve Blackman, and fat-ass Vader). Since then, they've had issues. As for the TAFKA Goldust gimmick, it's basically the same thing, except more weird and with colorful outfits. Here he has a lot of green going on. About as good as a match as you would expect from a phoning-it-in Goldust and more and more nuetered Vader. That means it isn't very good, but at least I can sit through it without wanting to punch myself in the ear. The only real highspot is the finish, where Vader came off the middle rope for the Vader-Bomb, with Luna on his back the whole time, squashing Goldust in the process. And thus is the only PPV victory for Vader in 1998 (a whopping record of 1-4 before being released/fired/whatever in the Fall).


2. Midget Tag Team Match: Max Mini, Nova, Mosaic vs. Battallion, Tarantula, El Torito:
Special Referee for this match is Sunny. The heels (?) don't have any music, but my tape is crapped out here, so maybe it's just me, and the faces have the generic mexican music used by all those guys back in 1997. The only thing worth a damn in this match is NOT Sunny. It's Jerry Lawler unloading about 60 midget jokes (most notably about Max Mini) the entire duration of this match. If you've seen one mexican midget match in the WWF, you've seen them all. 1,000 variations of an arm drag, a few slams, then some high spots. I doubt anyone in the crowd really cared about this match, hence the addition of Sunny as the "referee." I think it was just an excuse to put her in short shorts, although she was nearly half-naked during the FFA, so that can be shot down. Anyway, after a lot of tumbling acts, Max Mini pins El Dorito... I mean Torito, with a crucifix combination. Now let's never speak of this match again.


3. WWF Intercontinental Title Match: The Rock © vs. Ken Shamrock:
Over the past few weeks, Shamrock has made every member of the Nation tap-out to his ankle lock. Last week, during a tag team match, Mark Henry turned heel (no one cared), and laid out Shamrock, meaning the World's Strongest Man is better than the World's Most Dangeorus Man. Pre-Match interview from The Rock, and he's confident he'll retain the title, don't ya' know? Typical match these two wrestled about 670 times in 1998. Rock stalls and punches a lot, Shamrock does his goofy worked-shoot fighting, which looks completely fake (more than usual, at least). In the big surprise of the night, Shamrock takes out the Rock with a belly-to-belly suplex for the three count to win the Intercontinental Title... but WAIT! The Rock, earlier in the match, slipped a pair of brass knuckles into his tights, and after the match, tells the referee Shamrock used them. The ref' does find them, reverses the decision (Rocky retains the title now), and gets his ass kicked by Shamrock, because in real life, the referee always gets his ass kicked by a guy that should've been banned from the sport the first time he did it. Not a good match, by the way. Rocky was still not "The Rock" we know later on who had plenty of good matches.


4. WWF Tag Team Titles: The New Age Outlaws © vs. The Legion of Doom:
Blech! You know your time is up when signs and chants of "O.L.D" are making appearences during your match. Still, the LOD return from a major beatdown, to continue putting over the now getting over Outlaws, who are sporting Bret Favre uniforms for this match. Another pretty bad match, but this time it's REALLY bad. And long. Punchy-kicky the whole way through until the Outlaws decide to cheat, by handcuffing Hawk to the ring-post and constantly double-teaming Animal in the ring. Where's the Disqualification? Hawk eventually snaps the cuffs off the post and makes the save for Animal, with steel chairs becoming involved in the fray, resulting in a Disqualification victory for the Legion of Doom. Less than a month later, the LOD "split up", then for no reason, reformed for WM XIV as "L.O.D. 2000" with Sunny as their manager. What the 2000 represents is a mystery, but I'm sure the NAO made an age joke somewhere.


5. 30-Man Royal Rumble Match:
Side-Note: The entire "video package" for the Royal Rumble is centered entirely around Steve Austin. I wonder if he's going to win this thing or not. Earlier in the night, a host of people were looking for Austin, but when a "Bald wrestler" was found, it ended up being one of the DOA twins (they say Skull, but who really knows or cares?) #1 is Cactus Jack, and #2 is Chainsaw Charlie. Yeah, this thing was random all right. They exchange weapon shots, freely I might add, until #3 enters. It's Tom Brandi (a.k.a Salvatore Sincere), and he's eliminated quicker than I can type this sentence. #4 is the Rock, who only wrestled about 15-minutes earlier. I'm sure no one saw that coming. He takes a beating too, but manages to survive the 2-minutes. #5 is Headbanger Mosh. #6 is Phineas Godwinn. #7 is 8-Ball. Not a whole lot happening, obviously. Just as I type that, Charlie eliminates Cactus. #8 is Blackjack Bradshaw. #9 ia Owen Hart, but Jeff Jarrett knocks him silly, and doesn't make it to the ring. He also got the biggest pop so far, but with such notable faces like Mosh and Bradshaw, that's not a surprise. #10 is Steve Blackman. #11 is D'Lo Brown, the 2nd Nation member to enter. Rock and D'Lo end up fighting each other, in another rare notable moment. #12 is Kurrgan (formerly the Interrogater), and it's time to clean house... I hope. Mosh is gone by his hands. #13 is Marc Mero (w/ Sable), and Blackman is dumped by Kurrgan. #14 is Ken Shamrock, and he leads a group of superstars in eliminating Kurrgan. #15 is Headbanger Thrasher. No one cares.

#16 is.... Mankind? Yup, Mick Foley is making a 2nd appearence, subbing for a Quebecer. He quickly eliminates Charlie, revenge from earlier in the match. #17 is The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust, and he ends Mankind's night. #18 is Jeff Jarrett (NWA Champ!), and as soon as he enters, Owen Hart returns, and dumps his sorry ass. Take that! #19 is The Honkytonk Man (sub. for an injured Triple H). Chyna and HHH take out Owen from the match. BOO! #20 is Ahmed Johnson as Owen falls down heading backstage. Ahmed appears to be wearing ear-rings for the match. #21 is Mark Henry, the 3rd member of the Nation. #22 is NO ONE, and everyone assumes it's Austin. Henry dumps Ahmed, then Phineas Godwinn. #23 is Kama Mustafa, and now FOUR members of the Nation are in the ring. They continue fighting each other. #24 is Stone Cold! Stone Cold!... through the crowd, and he quickly dumps Marc Mero. Then 8-Ball. #25 is Henry Godwinn, and he stomps a mudhole in Austin. Too many people to follow! #26 is Savio Vega with the entire Boricuas gang, but Austin cleans house of them all, and only Savio remains after about 6 seconds. #27 is Faarooq, and now ALL Nation members are in the ring. Rock and Austin brawl outside the ring, but neither has been eliminated. #28 is DUDE LOVE (who didn't see that coming), and he eliminates Bradshaw. People's Elbow to D'LO! #29 is Chainz. #30 is The Man They Call Vader. Rapid-Fire Eliminations occur (Bye-bye, Honkytonk, Kama Savio, Vader, Godwinn, Goldust, Chainz, and Henry).

Final Four: The Rock (#4), Steve Austin (#24), Faarooq (#27), Dude Love (#28). The babyfaces and heels pair up, with the former Tag Champs taking control. Dude with sweet SHIN music and a DDT to the Rock, then Austin and Love battle it out. Mandible Claw applied, but Austin goes low, and Faarooq clotheslines the Dude out. Then the Rock turns on Faarooq and dumps him. Rock vs. Austin! Before it meant anything! After about 30-seconds of back-and-forth action, Austin dumps out the Rock, winning his "2nd" Royal Rumble Match, and earns a shot at the World Title at WrestleMania XIV. Definitely not one of the best Rumbles. Too much hugging and clustering, very little star power, and a dead give-away winner hurts it more. Still better than 1995 and 1999, at least.


6. WWF Title; Casket Match) Shawn Michaels (w/ HHH & Chyna) vs. The Undertaker:
Side note: J.R. makes a rare error in events, claiming the HIAC Match was for the WORLD TITLE, despite Shawn not being champ for another 5 weeks. For whatever reason not explained, the feud going on between them that was blown-off at Badd Blood in October of 1997, was reopened here, no doubt because Steve Austin was still a months away from winning the title, and the only other "contender" was Owen Hart, who was pretty much Midcard-4-Life at this point. Oh yeah, and for a chance for Kane to screw the Undertaker. You see, at the previous episode of Raw, Kane "turned face" (the first of many) to rescue his "brother" from D-Generation X. In typical Casket Match fashion, Undertaker pretty much dominates the entire match, giving Shawn very little offense, and selling even less of it. A notable moment midway through is Shawn taking a bump out of the ring, but ends up landing on his lower back across the edge of the casket and fucking up his back enough to send him into retirement for 4 1/2 years (Karma is a bitch). After Undertaker tombstones piledrives Shawn into the casket, it's a 1994 Rehash! Here comes the Outlaws and Boricuas (don't even ask me to name anyone but Jobbio) to prevent 'Taker winning. This made sense at least, since both teams were under DX's employ at times over the last month. However AGAIN, the lights go out, and Kane comes to the rescue, punching everyone out of the ring. Pyro time... but it doesn't go off, making Kane look like a goof, and in the most obvious double-cross in the history of WWF... in 1998, Kane attacks his brother, chokeslams him into the casket, and the lid is closed, allowing Michaels to retain the belt. Post-Match, the fun continues. Kane drenches the casket in "gasoline", then throws a pack of matches on it to burn the Undertaker alive. At least it looked better than 1994's sorry ass excuse to rid us of the Undertaker. Still, WAY too goofy.


Final Thoughts: Definitely a must-miss show. The two undercard title matches had finishes that pushed the feuds to go on longer, the World Title Match was over-gimmicked with a tired (and obvious) finish, the Royal Rumble was one of the most lack-luster at the time, and to top it all off, a fucking MIDGET MATCH to shore up the undercard? What happend to the Light-Heavyweight Title? Couldn't they find SOMEONE to face TAKA Michinoku? Strong Recommendation to avoid.

Whoa, the show where HBK fucked his back up and needed to take four years off is a "must miss?" You've grown up, Scrooge :P

Fine, I recommend watching that 5-second clip 80 times.

Which would still only be a fraction of the times you've watched it.

Are you kidding me? I have that video replaying over and over on my wallpaper.

You should add it to your signature, right next to school girl Trish.

Nah... putting Shawn in my signature is a commandment of wrestling. Thou shalt not use graven images of homos who can't draw.

Seriously though. I can't get off to the Trish gif anymore with Kane's ugly ass face underneath it.

Hmmm...Scrooge IS referencing someone else's Photobucket account for his Kane signature. What did I tell you kids about referencing remote images?

Should I? Yes, I should.