ECW on Sci-Fi
January 30, 2007

This is my first ever ECW review. In the past months, this show has become so awful that I had stopped watching it by choice. Now I am giving it another chance.

Backstage, Vince McMahon is meeting the “Alpha Male” Marcus Cor Von. Across the hall, Sandman is blowing his nose and enjoying the newspaper. Vince is angry that he is drinking on the job. Vince wonders where he got the name “Sandman” and starts singing. I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Sandman busts his beer over his forehead and Vince scatters off.

The house of hardcore has seen better days. Why doesn’t WWE just drop the pretense and call this something other than “ECW.” The big highlights for tonight’s show are Vince McMahon’s first ever ECW performance and Lashley vs. Test 3.

CM Punk vs. Matt Striker
I really hate Striker’s gimmick. It could work it if was toned down a little bit, the over the top school teacher bit just doesn’t work, especially in ECW. Striker takes the upper hand in the early going of the match, but Punk gets a drop kick in. Punk follows up with a scoop slam and dumps Striker over the ropes. Punk continues his assault at ringside and dumps Striker back into the ring. Striker kicks the ring ropes into Punk’s groin as he reenters and takes control again. Striker uses the ropes as his weapon for a bit, and finally slams Punk into the ring for a convincing near fall. Striker hits a neckbreaker and gets another near fall. This leads us to the typical sleeper hold. Since this is the WWE, Punk heroically fights out of the rear choke and hits the Irish whip into a running back elbow. Punk gets in a power slam and plays to the crowd. Punk hits a running knee to the face and plants Striker on the mat. Punk hits a nice back breaker and gets a near fall. Striker dumps Punk over the ropes, but Punk lands on his feet. Punk goes for the sunset flip, but Striker covers him, grabs the ropes for leverage, and defeats Punk at 3:53! Yeah, I would have to say that Punk as a main event threat is officially over. The match was decent enough, though the finish was a bit botched, *.
Winner: Matt Striker

We are now treated to the same Royal Rumble highlight package that aired numerous times during Raw last night. One of the most obnoxious things about the new ECW is that they don’t rebel against the WWE anymore. They gladly participate in all the big pay-per-views, and gladly hype Raw and Smackdown on their own shows.

Backstage, Vince gets a hug from some diva and meets Tommy Dreamer. Vince acts like he isn’t familiar with Dreamer, and wonders what kind of name “Dreamer” is. Vince doesn’t deal with dreams, he deals with reality. Dreamer doesn’t get a word in, and Vince walks off. Well, that was pointless. Dreamer should’ve wrecked Vince, but just stood there looking offended.

Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly
These two had a good match a few months ago. I doubt this one will reach that level, but it would be nice. They tie up and RVD gets a head lock in. Holly fights it, and it turns into a hammerlock. Holly reverses it, but RVD knocks him down. RVD hits a kick off the ropes and plays to the crowd, who are desperate for a hero in this entire mess of a show. RVD hits a rough hurrancanrana on Holly and follows up with a spin kick. RVD gets a near fall, which no one bought. Holly fights back and goes for the Alabama Slam, but RVD escapes and kicks Holly to the mat. RVD stalls a bit more, and goes for another cover. RVD hits some forearms and whips Holly into the corner. Holly gets a boot to RVD’s face and hits a clothesline, which he seemed to think warranted a cover attempt. Holly hits a suplex and goes for another cover. They exchange some shots, with RVD getting an Irish whip in. Holly is soon dumped over the ropes, giving RVD the chance to hit a suicide dive over the ropes. We head to a commercial.

After the break, the match continues, with Holly in control. Holly chokes RVD in the corner, which is too extreme for the referee to allow. RVD fights back and gets a leg drop off the middle rope, and gets a near fall out of it. Holly reverses an Irish whip and RVD leaps to the top rope. Holly recovers and pushes RVD off into the barricade at ringside. Holly capitalizes by slamming RVD into the ring steps. The action returns to the ring, and Holly keeps control with some kicks. Holly slows things down with a cobra clutch. RVD gets to his feet and reverses it with a modified stunner. Holly more or less no sells the move and goes back to kicking at a hurt RVD. Holly uses the ropes to stretch RVD, but this is also too extreme for the referee to allow. Holly hits some more kicks, gets another cover attempt in, and goes to the sleeper move. RVD predictably fights out and gets in a spinning heel kick. RVD gets some shots in before suffering a big drop kick from the bald one. Holly goes for yet another pointless cover attempt. RVD gains some momentum and gets another roll up in and monkey flips Holly. RVD sets up Holly for the frog splash, but Holly stands up, so RVD hits a flying drop kick instead. RVD goes for the rolling thunder, but Holly gets up again, so RVD has to improvise again with a kick. RVD then hits the rolling thunder for real and gets a close near fall. RVD goes for the monkey flip again, but Holly counters and hits a big power bomb for another very close cover. Holly heads upstairs, but RVD hits the ropes. RVD goes for a superplex, but Holly pushes him off. Holly awkwardly leaps off into a spinning heel kick in mid-air. RVD goes for the frog splash, but Holly moves out of the way. Holly goes for the Alabama Slam, but his back gave out. Holly rams RVD into the turnbuckle, and hits the Alabama Slam for real, earning him the hard fought victory at 15:20. The first half of this match absolutely sucked, but it picked up after the break, *1/2.
Winner: Hardcore Holly

Backstage, Vince meets Sabu and mocks him like he did with the other two ECW originals that still work there.

We are treated to a Wrestlemania hype package after the commercial break.

Backstage, Vince is now terrorizing Balls Mahoney, who was listening to head phones and rocking out. I really hope these segments are building to something.

Next up, Kelly, Brooke, and Leyla are in the ring for Kelly’s Expose. This is basically a poorly rehearsed cheerleader segment. Only WWE could make me be bored with scantily clad women dancing. Even worse, they are dancing to a five year old Christina Aguilera song. Not surprisingly, the segment is ended by Vince McMahon. He kicks them out of the ring, which actually disappoints the crowd.

Vince is still upset about Donald Trump embarrassing him last night on Raw. But tonight, he is making history by standing inside an ECW ring (which was a Smackdown ring earlier in the taping). Vince thinks everything that has to do with the original ECW sucks and anyone who liked it sucks too. This earns Vince more heat than he’s had on Raw in ages. Vince doesn’t want ECW to consist of a group of drunken, genocidal misfits. Seriously, this promo blows away anything he’s done recently on Raw. Vince introduces the man who is the epitome of everything the new ECW should be, Elijah Burke! Burke comes out grinning like a Cheshire cat and wearing a nice suit. Vince calls him the “future” of ECW and hands him the mic. Burke is honored to stand in the ring with an intelligent man like Vince. Burke is under the delusion that he has fans. Burke then runs down the ECW originals, and promises that they will all feel his wrath and power. Burke’s boasting brings out Sandman, with a kendo stick in hand. They start brawling. Tommy Dreamer joins the fray, along with Balls Mahoney and Sabu. They use the numbers game to destroy Burke. They hold Burke still long enough for Sandman to crack the kendo stick over his head! Sabu then fetches a table and a chair. The other place Burke on the table, and Sabu puts him through it with the chair. These four ECW originals appear to be united for the time being, and I have to say that this was the best segment I have seen on this show in months. It gave Burke some exposure and fired up the old ECW guys.

ECW World Championship:
Bobby Lashley © vs. Test
This is their third singles match in two weeks. The first match took place last week on ECW, and it sucked. Lashley won that match cleanly. The second match took place on the Royal Rumble, and reportedly also sucked, and ended with a count-out victory for Lashley. It would seem that it is time for the trilogy of suck to come full circle. Could Test pull off the upset?

At least this will be short. It is 10:57 now and Lashley is just making his entrance. I cannot get past how lame it is for ECW World title matches to be held under WWE rules. Lashley aggressively attacks Test in the early going and tosses him outside. Lashley chases him, but Test pushes him into the ring post. Test pulls the padding off a section of concrete floor. Test tries to pile drive him onto the concrete, but Lashley counters and back drops Test onto the floor. And amazingly, we head to a commercial break.

After the break, Test has Lashley trapped in a rest hold. That Test sure is an impact player. During the break, Test rammed Lashley shoulder first into the turnbuckles. Back in the match, Test has broken the hold, but is now working on slamming the “injured” arm of Lashley into the ring post. Lashley pulls his arm, forcing Test’s skull to bounce off the ring post. Lashley forces Test back into the ring and they exchange shots. Lashley hits a clothesline into the corner and then a spear. Lashley hits a nice vertical suplex and then some forearms. Test pushes Lashley into the corner, but misses a big boot. Lashley hits the exploder suplex and then a running power slam, which is enough to retain the title at 7:06. Most of the match took place during the commercial break, but the televised parts were intense enough to be enjoyable, *3/4.
Winner and still ECW Champion: Bobby Lashley

After the match, Lashley’s celebration is interrupted by The Undertaker showing up in the ring. Undertaker is teasing using his Rumble victory to challenge Lashley. Test storms in with a chair, but gets chokeslammed by Undertaker. The show ends with Undertaker’s lights and music playing, with Lashley looking nervous.

Final thoughts: This actually wasn’t a bad show. The Vince McMahon involvement actually turned out to be a positive thing, as he was on with his promos and it lead to giving some exposure to Burke and actually utilizing the ECW originals. Punk jobbing to Striker does not thrill me, but this seems to be a part of an ongoing feud and not the burial of Punk that everyone is dreading. RVD jobbing to Holly cleanly was a bit upsetting, but not a total shocker as RVD seems to be on his way out of the company. The Undertaker appearance was a genuine surprise, as his Raw appearance from last night really threw me off, that and the thought that he would care to challenge Lashley for the ECW title at Wrestlemania is laughable at best. I have to say, this was actually a fairly good episode of ECW that actually could be building some storylines, though I really hope this was the last chapter in the Lashley/Test feud.

Thumbs in the middle, leaning up.

You bastard! You took the easy way out, and actually got a half-way decent episode of ECW, even if the matches kinda weren't not good.

Bitch.

::Sits back in arm chair, sipping a cool drink::

Yes, I did take the easy way out. Test/Lashley III was halfway decent.

Actually, Test/Lashley III isn't much better... is it? IS IT!?

A *3/4 match sounds better than anything on your WSX show :)

Rub it in... because you're gonna get it back. When you least suspect it! Scrooge is coming for you Rowe!

What, when I am forced to review WSX next week (assuming I don't have to work)?

This week's ECW was probably only good because they wanted to upstage WSX. Next week it'll probably be back to it's usual abortion level. Then I'll have won yet again!