ECW on Sci-Fi - June 13th, 2006:

- While doing a few REAL ECW show reviews, I thought it would be a bit interesting to not only review those, but reviews these as well, an idea I thought of doing a few months back, but didn't because of lack of time, and I wasn't sure how long I could keep up with it. While the old ECW shows start on May 27th, 1995 (the first episode to air for my subscription to 24/7), these start over a decade later, so try to pretend that June 13th is closer to May 27th than it seems to try and keep the illusion it's almost identical dates. Until I catch up to the old ECW shows to current episodes on 24/7, I'll be alternating reviews. Old ECW, New ECW, etc. etc.


- The intro of ECW is done to the Drowning Pool song "Bodies", which was not only played to death in 2001 for SummerSlam that year, but by now, is so out of date that I'm sure someone in WWE got fired for being behind the times. All of the highlights are primarily from the latest One Night Stand, with a few other instances thrown in.


- Paul Heyman comes out to open the "new era" of ECW, and Rob Van Dam, the new ECW Champion, follows, and is presented with a brand new belt. Edge and Lita come out to ojin the fun, no doubt happy to cost Edge the WWE Title at One Night Stand. He clearly makes his alliances known... to no one, as he spears Rob Van Dam five seconds after entering the ring. The circus continues, as Edge is attacked by John Cena in the crowd. RVD and Cena both get taken out by Edge, then Cena knocks out Paul Heyman for whatever reason. Backstage after commercial, Heyman threatens to bring ECW to Raw... because really, everyone buys that ECW isn't part of WWE, and we haven't seen most of these people on Raw and Smackdown before, especially Angle, RVD, Show, etc., who were on the last week!


1. The Sandman vs. The Zombie:
First match in, and the ECW name is already tarnished. According to an "interview" with "Tommy Dreamer" in WWE Magazine, this was done as an inside jab at the Sci-Fi Network, which isn't really the best thing considering they were kind of enough to put this crap on their network. Sure, Sci-Fi has sucked since dropping re-runs of Tales from the Crypt and Dark Shadows, but wrestling hasn't been an in thing for a good half-decade, and maybe longer. Punch yourself in the eyes, and the Zombie kinda looks like the Warrior... 1996 version. He cuts a promo before the match, which sounds strangely enough like growling, until Sandman's music plays, and it's even more generic crap than they use for the real ECW shows! Sandman busts himself open with a beer can before he makes it out of the crowd. I should note we're more than 15-minutes into the show. To the match... Sandman canes the shit out of Zombie, then performs a Russian leg sweep with the singapore cane for the three count at 17-seconds. Nice dust explosion from beneath the Zombie on the impact. [DUD]

- Some chick named Kelly is going to get naked, because she's an exbiditionist.


2. Tazz vs. Jerry "The King" Lawler:
Don't wet your pants... it's a rebroadcast from One Night Stand. Tazz isn't wearing traditional ring attire. Just a Tazz jersey and track pants. Lawler has a cheesy ass crown on, then smacks Joey Styles at the broadcast position. Before the match begins, Styles returns the favor by jumping him from behind in the ring... that lasts about 2-seconds. Lawler, attempts to piledrive Styles, but Tazz comes up from behind and locks in the Tazzmission. Lawler passes out for the Tazz victory at the 35-second mark. Two matches, and we still haven't clocked in at a minute yet. [DUD]


3. Kurt Angle vs. Justin Credible:
Back to the fresh matches we go. Kurt Angle, despite being a broken down has been, was still worth a damn at this point, but Justin Credible? Jesus, I know he's an "ECW Original", but he's worth more with a jock strap on his face and calling himself the name of a dangerous jelly fish. I guess that's why he tanked the company when it was still alive. Angle takes Credible down early and pulls back on the face of the worst ECW Champion ever. Make him SQUEAL! Sorry, was thinking about something else. Credible tries a punch, but Angle counters with a belly-to-back suplex, then tosses him over the top rope. Back inside, and Angle with a single-leg into another takedown. Angle with a body scissors and bitch slapping. Angle with an armbar and more bitch slaps. Credible with a shove, so Angle headbutts him, and applies a choke for the tap out at 1:47. I guess we should assume Credible is never going to get any kind of a push in the new ECW. [1/4*]


- Paul Heyman cuts a promo, and we have a main event for tonight... an EXTREME Battle Royal! Because a Battle Royal isn't a Battle Royal until it's EXTREME! ... ETREME.


- Kelly the examinist promises to get naked. Would she lie?


- Some Vampire dude is hanging around outside the arena. Looks like the Hoss Formerly Known as Mordecai/Kevin Fertig ("I Fertig'ed!") All of two people will probably get that reference.


- Kelly the Exterminist starts getting naked, but has trouble removing her bra. Some exclamationist... unless someone missed their cue to interrupt it. Hmm...


4. 11-Man EXTREME Battle Royale:
(Participants: Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Danny Doring, Roadkill, Al Snow, Stevie Richards, The Full Blooded Italians (Little Guido, Big Guido, Tony Mamaluke), Balls Mahoney, Big Show)
The rules are simple... all weapons are allowed, and the only way to be eliminated is by being thrown over the top rope, and BOTH feet much touch the floor. Despite a lame attempt at a main event, you got to give WWE credit for at least filling the match with real ECW Originals (and the Big Show). In a production fuck-up, Richards is introduced as "Stevie", but the graphic still says "Steven." Fucking morons... one final note, the FBI have Trinity with them, but she plays no role in anything in the new ECW.

Big Show clears the ring of everyone... but no one goes over the top rope. I guess they needed a reason for everyone to leave the ring for weapons. Big Show with a fall-away slam on Roadkill as we go to commercial. We return with everyone in the ring. Dreamer smacks Show with a road sign. Roadkill bashes Balls, and Mamaluke on Roadkill. Show and Dreamer go at it in the corner as Big Guido beats Sabu to the ground. Weapon shots galore, reminding me of the glory days of the WWF Hardcore Title. Sabu sets up a table outside of the ring for whatever reason. Everyone gangs up on Show with weapon shots,but he isn't going down. Al Snow gets head, but is thrown out by Show at 2:46. Danny Doring is next at 2:54. Richards valiantly fights off the Big Show, but a headbutt knocks him silly, and he's dumpedo out at 3:20. Show grabs Roadkill by the shirt and tosses him at 3:29. Show low blows Balls and fucks up his cobra-clutch slam onto a trash can, then dumps him at 3:48. Dreamer smacks away at Show like his life depended on it, then saves Sabu from the F.B.I. Poetry in Motion on Show... is blocked. Show throws Sabu away, then press slams Dreamer over and through the table at 4:25. Show shrugs off the offense by the FBI. Show throws Mamaluke 10-feet into the air, then chokeslams Guido Little Version on top of him. Both are deposited out of the ring at the 5-minute mark. Big Guido and Big Show go face to face, with Show allowing nothing, and dumping Guido at 5:36. Sabu sneaks up from behind and launches himself at Show, with chair in hand, knocking him out of the ring for the victory at 5:46. Sabu gets to face John Cena at Vengeance as a result. Too bad the whole match was just a way to build up Show as an unstopable monster, and Sabu's victory was just a fluke (note the assist by Big Guido distracting Show).


Final Thoughts: This show was an interesting one. While it was nothing like the real ECW other than the "originals" being involved, it wasn't an absolute bomb of a show. New fans were introduced to the Sandman, Kurt Angle was established as a key role in the new ECW, as was Big Show, because you can't rely on the old ECW guys forever. In between all of that, plenty of old ECW guys were involved. I'll give a mixed feelings comment, saying that the matches sucked, but they tried to throw everyone on the show in some way, and it just didn't execute well because lack of time and over-booking the show.

ECW on Sci-Fi - June 20th, 2006:

- Week #2 in the new ECW shows. Last week, for those who missed out, featured about as many wrestlers as you could possibly get on television despite all the matches combining for 10-minutes. Not much in terms of angle development (it's the first show, after all), but the foundation has been set up for some stuff down the road in terms of who's getting the pushes and who is going to be playing job boy(s).

Last week's results, for those who care...
1. The Sandman pinned the Zombie (17-seconds)
2. Tazz defeated Jerry Lawler by choke-out from One Night Stand (36-seconds)
2. Kurt Angle forced Justin Credible to tap-out (1:44)
3. Sabu won a Extreme Battle Royal and a right to face John Cena at Vengeance, last eliminating Big Show (5:46). Also featured Balls Mahoney, Al Snow, the F.B.I., Danny Doring, Roadkill, Stevie Richards, and Tommy Dreamer


- The show opens with the chick eventually known as Ariel presenting some tarot cards to advance what wa set up from last week. Between ECW and RAW. Got to give them credit for a more interesting way to open the show. As usual, play-by-play is done by Joey Styles and Tazz. This week the production crew starts dimming the lights for all matches, a touch that makes "ECW" more unique than Raw or Smackdown, and reminds me of the old days of Madison Square Garden cards.


1. Sabu vs. Tony Mamaluke (w/ Trinity):
It's an ECW Originals Match! We see the aftermath of Sabu's sneak attack on Cena last night on Raw, with Cena being busted open (probably hard-way, since Sabu landed a chair across his face on top of a table). Tony Mamaluke is probably more famous for... uh... his original ECW run, and maybe his brief days in WCW as the mouth-piece for Johnny the Bull and Vito. Sabu with a single-leg takedown and elbow drop for a two count. Sabu dropkicks the leg from under Mamaluke, and drops a leg across the back of the head for a two count. Mamaluke with a knee to the midsection and kick to the face for another two count. Mamaluke with a back suplex into a slam for a two count. Sabu eats turnbuckle, and Mamaluke whips him across the ring. Sabu comes back with a springboard leg drop, then applies a camel clutch, but Mamaluke makes it to the ropes. Mamaluke gets sent out of the ring, and it's time for Sabu to get hardcore. A chair is set up in the ring, and Samu jumps onto the top rope for a plancha down the aisle. Sabu gets a table now, because it's not ECW if a table isn't involved. Mamaluke takes the action back in the ring and slams the chair on top of Sabu. He heads to the top rope, and Sabu throws the chair up at him in mid-air to break up whatever he was going for. Mamaluke staggers around outside the ring and is set up on the table. Sabu naturally slingshots himself over the top rope and through the table (and Mamaluke). Sabu with a somersault leg drop onto the arm of Mamaluke, and the camel clutch forces Mamaluke to tap out at 3:32. Super rushed match, but with a lot of energy, and a couple of cool spots, so I'll be quite generous for once. [**]


- Kelly the Excretionist promises to get naked again... although she didn't get naked the first time.


- Rob Van Dam, the reigning ECW and WWE Champion, cuts apromo in front of a purple curtain, because purple is EXTREME! He hypes up his match, teaming with Kurt Angle, against Randy Orton and Edge. Basic promo, but at least RVD doesn't blow his lines.


- Tommy Dreamer comes out to get in the face of the Big Show, for whatever reason. Show basically punches him a lot and throws him around like a little girl. A little girl with a beer belly and list of previous injuries long enough to riva the Bible in terms of length. Show finishes Dreamer off with his new finisher, the cobra clutch back breaker and throw.


- The Vampire Dude is hanging around outside again.


2. The Sandman vs. Macho Libre:
The goofy-ness involving the Sandman continues. Macho Libre is an imitation of the (at the time) new movie "Nacho Libre" starring Jack Black, and cuts a promo that sounds like Randy Savage... so shouldn't he be called "Nacho Man Libre"? No idea who Macho is, but he's a fat guy with a couple of tattoos, and his imitation of Randy isn't too shabby. Too bad it's too cartoony, and shouldn't have anything to do on T.V. The Sandman makes his way through the crowd, long enough for a pre-recorded promo to air, not unlike those of the old SuperStars and Challenge days. Same deal as last week... Sandman canes the shit out of Libre (who does a nice job exposing wrestling by bracing himself for all the shots), takes a break for a beer, and the Russian leg sweep finishes it at the 26-second mark. Quick and to the point again. Always a plus when it comes to the Sandman wrestling. [DUD]


- John Cena arrives to the arena, "invading" ECW, and offers a challenge for Sabu... an EXTREME Lumberjack Match, with all the Raw guys on Heat duty and all the ECW guys on ECW Duty acting as lumberjacks. Sabu accepts, saying nothing more than one word. I guess it's good to be short and to the point, especially for a guy who never talks.


- Kelly the Exagerationist tries to get naked again, but this time some doof with no muscular definition interrupts the proceedings and covers her up with a towel. Bait and switches were a staple of ECW, after all.


- A hype video for... oh God, no. "Test is Coming." I guess it won't be in Stacy Keibler, anymore. Yeah, the joke sucked. So sue me.


3. Rob Van Dam (ECW Champ) & Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton & Edge (w/ Lita):
I really can't stand the logic of hyping this up as a "interpromotional match", considering the fact that RVD and Angle were a main staple of Raw no more than two WEEKS earlier. Talk about over-abusing a phrase... With that out of the way, I have high hopes for this match. Everyone is capable of good matches (some more than others, of course). You can't be EXTREME without Lita being at ringside, either, a former ECW "wrestler" that flies under the radar when it comes to ECW. Angle and Edge start out the match. Lockup, and Angle with a double-leg takedown and ankle-lock attempt, but Edge grabs the ropes. Angle does it again, throwing Edge over his head. RVD tags in and hammers away on Edge with forearms. Edge rakes the eyes and Orton tags in, trading blows in the corner. Whip to the corner, and RVD with a spinning heel kick, followed by crotching Orton across the top rope, and coming off the top with a missile dropkick, sending Orton out of the ring. Run-on sentences are EXTREME! RVD follows out and comes off the apron with a (modified) Asai moonsault! There's a move that should be busted out more often. Edge comes back in the ring to take control, but that doesn't last long. RVD springboards off the ropes with a dropkick, but Lita pulls the ropes down on him during a Rolling Thunder attempt. [Commercial edited out] Edge hammers on RVD, and Orton tags in to stomp away for a two count. Edge tags back in and pounds on RVD in the corner, then throws him out of the ring like a missile. Nice way to take the bump by RVD. Edge comes off the apron with an axehandle across the back, then whips him into the steel steps. Back in the ring, and Edge covers for a one count. Orton tags in again and connects with a dropkick to the face for a two count. Edge in again, and gets kicked in the mouth for his troubles. RVD follows up with a spinning heel kick. Angle tags in and connects with a series of german suplexes on Orton. Edge jumps off the apron before anything could happen... then sneaks n, only to get a suplex of his own. Orton grabs Angle from behind, but Angle slips out and applies the Ankle-lock. Orton escapes with some help by Edge. Edge to the top rope, and he jumps into a belly-to-belly suplex. Angle goes for the Angle-Slam, but Orton takes out the knee. Orton works over the leg of Angle, then Edge comes in, and dumps Angle out of the ring. Edge follows, doing nothing much of note, before throwing Angle back in the ring. Angle takes down Edge and applies that rear choke, but Lita comes in to break it up. If Lita can, why doesn't RVD save his partner? LOGIC IN EXTREME WRESTLING! Angle continues to play the extremist-in-peril before taking down Edge with another German suplex. RVD finally gets the hot tag and cleans house of the heels. Windmill kick to Edge and a plancha to Orton. RVD goes for Lita, but then grabs a chair instead and slams it across the back of Orton. Ouch... Edge knocks RVD off the apron, and Angle applies the ankle-lock on Edge. Lita breaks that up, and she eats an Angle Slam for it. Orton in with an RKO to Angle. RVD in with a missile dropkick to Orton. He goes for rolling thunder, but Edge dropkicks him midstream. Edge goes for the spear, but RVD bashes him with the ECW Title (Lita brought it in earlier). RVD to the top, and the 5-Star Frog Splash ends it at 11:57. Wild finish to a decent match. Nothing spectacular, but probably better than anything on Raw in the last few years. [**1/2]


Fnal Thoughts: Much better show than the first week. Two matches were decent enough to sit through, and the seeds are planted for a new crop of SuperStars. The pacing of the show was much improved compared to the first week. Then you have the bad stuff... another Sandman squash that was borderline stupid, Kelly the Experationist doing a horrible striptease again, and the return of Test is coming.

ECW on Sci-Fi - June 27th, 2006:

- Week #3 in the new ECW shows. Last week on ECW, the show ended up being a pretty decent effort after a questionable debut episode. Less people were used in more prominent roles, and we were introduced to several new personalities (and Test) either through random appearences or hype videos. For those who forgot, the results of last weeks show...

1. Sabu forced Tony Mamaluke to tap-out (3:32)
2. The Sandman pinned Macho Libre (26-seconds)
3. Rob Van Dam & Kurt Angle defeated Randy Orton & Edge when RVD pinned Edge following a 5-Star Frog Splash (11:57)


1. Sabu vs. Roadkill:
We don't even get a formal opening for the show, as we quickly open the broadcast with Sabu's entrance and Roadkill already in the ring. Just guess who's winning THIS match. For those unfamiliar with Roadkill, he basically plays the character of an Amish person... that is really heavy. He also has a funky beard to authenticize the character. Sabu with a basement dropkick and elbow drop, followed by an attempt to apply a camel clutch. Irish whip to the corner, and Sabu springboards off the ropes for a DDT. Sabu heads outside and grabs a chair. Sabu runs the ropes, but Roadkill trips him up, causing Sabu to crash on the chair, and cover for a two count. Roadkill with the "Barn Burner" for another two count. Irish whip to the corner, and Roadkill comes in with an avalanch for a two count. Roadkill heads out of the ring to fetch a table, because tables are EXTREME! Sabu with a jumping plancha onto the unsuspecting Roadkill, then tosses the table into the ring. Roadkill takes control again and catches Sabu with the Dirt Road Slam for a two count. Roadkill springboards off the middle rope with an elbow drop for a pair of two counts. Roadkill sets the table up, plants Sabu on it. Roadkill with a chair shot across the midsection. Roadkill to the middle rope, and Sabu throws the chair into his CROTCH. Sabu with a springboard hurracanrana from the top rope for a two count! Sabu throws the chair into the face of Roadkill, then a shot across the back to put Roadkill on the table. Sabu heads to the top, and the Arabian facebuster through the table kills Roadkill. Sabu with the camel clutch, and he uses the chair for extra leverage for the tap out at 5:21. Pretty much identical in terms of match structure to the previous weeks Sabu/Mamaluke match, but a bit better, and Roadkill actually got to get some offense that was more high impact than punch-kick. Yes, I'm being very generous right now. [**1/4]


- The Vampire Dude is still hanging around outside the arena.


- Tommy Dreamer calls out the Big Show, because last weeks beat down wasn't enough for him. Big Show comes out, again, and beats down Dreamer, again. Hopefully this doesn't get played out for another 18 months like another feud that featured Dreamer getting his ass kicked every week.


- The New Guy is with Kelly the Extortionist, and he's getting ready for his debut, coming up soon...


- Kurt Angle cuts a promo, talking trash about Rob Van Dam, who he's facing for the ECW World Title in tonight's main event!


2. Danny Doring vs. Mike Knox (w/ Kelly the Expeditionist):
Mike Knox is making his ECW in-ring debut... and Mike Knox is a pretty lame ring-name for a wrestler. Why not just call him "Mike Hunt" and get it over with if you want a lame name that begins with "Mike." Speaking of bad names... DANNY DORING? He's an ECW Original, you know. Lockup, and Knox gives a clean break in the corner. Knox with a slam attempt, but Doring escapes and punches. Doring off the ropes, and Knox catches him with a choke-lift slam. The camera focuses on camera and a plant while Knox squashes Doring. Here comes Mike Knox to beat up the plant... er, fan, and keep Kelly dressed. Back in the ring, and Doring hammers away on Knox with... punches. Irish whip is reversed, and Knox comes off the ropes with a charging big boot. Eat your heart out, Test. Knox with a version of the downward spiral for the three count at 1:54. Impressive debut says Tazz and Styles. Typical squash match says I. [1/2*]


- Test is Coming Again. Someone take the porn away from him!


- Kelly the Exber--- uh, Expressionist---... fuck it, I'm running out of words to use to beat this joke into the ground more. Kelly the Slut tries to get naked again, but Mike Ock... I mean Knox, interrupts again. Who didn't see THAT coming? And how many more times is this segment going to be beaten into the ground?


- Oh my God... the fat stripper guy (Big Dick Johnson) comes out to play to the crowd. I wonder who will be interrupting this example of exibitionism? Oh look, it's the Sandman! Who didn't see THAT coming? And wow, I've used that phrase twice in the last four sentences. I'm running out of material in a rapidly alarming rate. I can't help but enjoy this segment though, as Stripper Man strips down to his g-string and begins jerking off Sandman's cane, while Sandman spews out beer. Sorry, but that is funny. Big Dick pours the beer on him, pissing off Sandman, so Sandman cane's the Little Johnsons and smacks him around some more. To add insult to injury, Sandman canes his ass, and his butt almost instantly turns red. I like to call this "entertaining crap."


3. ECW World Championship Match:
Rob Van Dam © vs. Kurt Angle:
This has potential... as long as it isn't a super-rushed slop-fest, and considering there's at least 18 minutes left for the show, I don't expect that to be a problem. BUT, before the match, Edge and Lita steal a ringside seat to watch the match. Hmm... I wonder if he's going to interfere in this match? Lockup into the ropes to start, and Angle gives a clean break. Angle with a go-behind waistlock, then grinds RVD's face into the canvas. RVD with a side headlock, and Angle quickly escapes. Angle with a single-leg trip for a two count. Angle with a series of vicious european uppercuts in the corner. RVD returns the favor with forearms. Irish whip to the corner, and RVD with a monkey flip. Angle with a headlock takeover, and RVD counters with a head scissors. Angle floats over into a cover, but RVD keeps his shoulders off the canvas. Angle counters an Irish whip, but RVD connects with a windmill kick to the face. RVD to the top, and Angle throws him off into no-man's land as we head to a commercial [edited out]. Angle with a front facelock applied. RVD battles back to his feet and breaks the hold with a jaw breaker (the move, not the candy). Irish whip is reversed, and Angle with an over-head belly-to-belly suplex. Angle is intense, and intense means EXTREME! Angle with a back breaker for a two ocunt, then applies a chinlock before locking RVD in a body scissors. Angle continues using a ground-based attack on RVD for the next minute or so. Into the corner they go... RVD misses a charge, and Angle connects with a German suplex for a two count. Angle with some hair pulling (serves RVD right for being a hippy) before applying a rear chinlock. RVD battles up again and escapes with elbows to the midsection. RVD comes off the ropes with a spinning heel kick, and both men play dead. Both men are back up to exchange blows, with Angle obviously getting the best of it. RVD with an elbow in the corner, followed by a springboard dropkick. RVD with a series of clotheslines, but Angle takes RVD into the corner by the legs, then connects with an unusual overhead suplex for a two count. Angle tries for the Angle Slam, but RVD counters with a sunset flip. Angle counters that, but RVD escapes. Angle with a german suplex, with added super-flip by RVD, for a two count. Angle with the Ankle-lock applied, but RVD rolls out of it, then heel kicks Angle in the face for a two count. RVD heads to the top rope, and Angle catches the dropkick attempt with an Ankle Lock. RVD makes it to the ropes, but there's no DQ in ECW... still, so Angle keeps the hold applied. RVD grabs the ropes again, and uses the leverage to throw Angle out of the ring. Back inside, and RVD connects with a slingshot leg drop for a two count. Angle with a small package out of nowhere for a two count of his own. Whip to the corner, and RVD drop toe holds Angle into the buckle. RVD with a spinning heel kick, but the Rolling Thunder misses. Angle goes to the ankle again, but RVD kicks him in the side of the head for the break. RVD with a split-leg moonsault for a two count. Irish whip across the ring is blocked by Angle, as is a German suplex attempt by RVD. RVD with a front-enziguri to Angle. He heads to the top, and Angle pops up to slam him off for a two count. The straps come down, so Angle is REALLY intense! Angle Slam attempt, and RVD counters with a DDT. RVD heads to the top rope again, and connects with the 5-Star Frog Splash for the three count at 13:57, retaining the title. Amazingly, no interference. This isn't ECW! 20 people should've interfered! Oh wait, here's Edge to spear him from behind. Pretty good match, with the last 5-6 minutes picking up a lot of steam. RVD's bang-bang-bang style fit well with Angle's, and Angle used a lot of his wrestling abilities to try and keep RVD from busting out his big moves early on to weaken the impact of the finish. [***1/2]


Final Thoughts: Another pretty good show, and the peak of the ECW shows. It's all downhill from here. A great (T.V.) main event and a rather good opener makes it a .667 batting average for actual matches. Also the Sandman segment is a guilty pleasure of mine, even if it's a stupid idea. That's enough for me being nice, because the next week starts my insult parade.

Thanks for reminding me of Another Reason I Hate Test.

Feh... Test can keep his flat chested broad. If she shaves, it's like having sex with a little kid... boy OR girl.

ECW on Sci-Fi - July 4th, 2006:


- Week #4 of ECW, and it's the beginning of the end of any chance of the new brand to have any credibility. Last week was probably the best week of the show (which isn't saying much, since most of the shows sucked after this), so it's time for the show to take a slip, and for me to start insulting something more. Last week on ECW...

1. Sabu forced Roadkill to tap-out (5:21)
2. Mike Knox pinned Danny Doring (1:54)
3. Rob Van Dam pinned Kurt Angle to retain the ECW World Championship (13:57)

With that out of the way, it's time for the special July 4th edition of ECW, taking place in Philadelphia, home of ECW.


- Paul Heyman opens the show, reminding those of us who don't watch Raw that Rob Van Dam lost the WWE Title to Edge, but he is still the ECW Champion, by some twisted logic. I guess when you create new belts to hold, they can act as their own championship if you lose the original. See also: The World Heavyweight/Big Gold Title. After Heyman continues with the verbal felatio, Big Show storms into the room (which has ECW shirts hanging on the wall for "whatever reason") and demands a World Title match against the over-worked Rob Van Dam for tonight, on ECW.


- The pain that is Kelly's Expose continues, except this time her choice of underwear is red, white and blue, honoring america. Glad to see whores and strippers feel patrotic at times, too. Before anything can come off that isn't allowed on network television, Mike Knox interrupts the proceedings, again, to cover her up, again. WE GET IT ALREADY!


1. Little Guido vs. Mike Knox:
No Tony Mamaluke or Trinity for Little Guido, so I'm assuming they were either fired or are paired together and Guido is left in the cold holding his dick. Guido doesn't even get a proper entrance, so we know who's doing the job here. The crowd tastefully chants "You Sick Dick" at Mike Knox, and it doesn't get censored? Now it' Shut the fuck up!" and there's the censoring... for about 3-seconds. Guido attacks from behind, kicking away at the knee of Knox, and connecting with a basement dropkick to the face. Guido to the middle turnbuckle, but he misses a leg drop. Knox hammers on the back of Guido, and whips him to the corner. Knox with a side back breaker for a two count. "You can't wrestle" chant picks up. Guido with some weak shots to the midsection, but Knox pounds him back to the ground and drops a few knees across the back for a two count. "Mike Sucks Cock" now. Knox with a scoop slam, followed by another... and another. He isn't making any fans here doing that. "You Still Suck" for the fourth slam. "Boring." Knox misses a knee drop, and Guido goes back to pounding the left knee of Knox. Knox shoves him off and kicks his face off. The facebuster finisher ends Guido's night at 3:16. Better squash than last week versus Danny Doring, but it's still a squash match, and Guido's only offense was generic punch-kick to the knee. [3/4*]


- Highlights from "last night's" episode of Raw, where Rob Van Dam defended the WWE Title against Edge and John Cena. Edge, sneaky rat bastard that rules, stole the pinfall on RVD to win his second World Championship.


- Backstage again, and Paul Heyman's office is barged in by Rob Van Dam, who wants to defend the honor of ECW and all the little people against big brutes like the Big Slug. Heyman says no, but RVD insists.


- Test Tonight on ECW. Dammit, and I didn't even get a chance to study!


- Some guy dressed as a priest runs down the fans and ECW for being vulgar and bad taste to all decent people... then he reveals he's not really a priest, and only dressed up like that to jump a rail. Wow, that makes NO Sense. If you have no idea where this is going, the Sandman comes out and (eventually) canes the shit out of another hapless slug that will never be seen again. I heard it's the same guy who played Macho Libre, but who cares? We get the point... ECW hates Sports-Entertainment.


2. Al Snow vs. Test:
I guess pissing and moaning about being fired gets you rehired, in Test's case. Al Snow has head with him, but that gimmick is so dated it makes me want to throw up my Pokemon cards. At least he gets an actual entrance. Test charges Snow into the corner and pounds away. Some stomps follow. "You Take Steroids" chant by the crowd. Test with a charging clothesline into the corner. Snow counters a second with several elbows, followed by a series of rights. Snow bounces off the ropes and takes a running boot... to the midsection. Test scoops up Snow and plants him with the TKO (Marc Mero's old finisher where you put a person in the samoan drop position, then drop ihm in a form like the diamond cutter) at 1:04. Test sets up Head in the ring, then punts it into the 5th row. INTENSITY! Test is EXTREME! Just another squash match, but at least Test showed some intensity while doing it. [DUD]


- Hype video for Sabu... why? He's already been on ECW for all of the episode at this point. I guess WWE just wanted to remind everyone he isn't fired yet.


- The Vampire Dude is outside the arena again, and this time he spits "blood" into the camera lense. EXTREME!


- Backstage, we are introduced for the first time to C.M. Punk. His addiction is wrestling, you know. He also has a million tattoos, including the awesome "Cobra" logo from G.I. Joe, not to be confused with the Cobra Kai in the Karate Kid. Got to give him credit for having taste at least.


3. ECW World Championship Match:
Rob Van Dam © vs. Big Show:
This is being contested under EXTREME Rules, don't you know. Introductions are done after the entrances, to try and give it a more credible feel. After all, that's how they do it in Boxing, a sport that manages to get worse ratings than ECW in December of 2006. I can't hear, but there's a chant that includes "Marijuana." RVD takes notice of it too... anyway, RVD hammers on Show with rights, but is knocked down with a clothesline. Show dumps RVD out of the ring, but gets thrown into the ring post attempting to use RVD as a battering ram. RVD with rights, but he gets crotched attempting a moonsault off the security wall. Into the crowd they go (E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!), and Show smacks him across the chest. Show continues pounding away on RVD in the front row. RVD comes back with a heel kick as Show attempts to climb over the wall, followed by his spinning heel kick from the apron. COMMERCIAL! Wait, I edited them out still.

In the ring, and the Big Show is in control. During the commercial, Show press slammed RVD across the security wall, then kicked him in the face. Whip across the ring, and Show runs into a boot. RVD with a springboard heel kick, but Show won't go down. RVD to the top again, and Show crotches him. Show climbs up the turnbuckle, and it's a Big Show Super-Plex! Show sells the impact too, before eventually covering RVD for a two count. Show with his leg-across-the-chest-drop move for another two count. Styles brings up that Show could become the first man to win the WCW, WWE, and ECW World Titles, as if the latter even counts post-2001. Show continues his dominance, and drops an elbow a la Andre the Giant in 1989. Show with a second, and covers for a two count. Show scoops up RVD... and it's a BEARHUG! Crowd boos it out of the building. Big Show releases the hold, then puts RVD in a back breaker submission (you know, the press-his-back-across-your-knee hold). RVD fights free with knees to the face. RVD bounces off the ropes and dropkicks the ankle of Big Show. Show with the goozle, but RVD counters with a DDT! Show landed on his head, too. That had to hurt a man that big because of the massive size of his body. RVD off the ropes with a low cross body for a one count. ROLLING THUNDER! That gets a two count. RVD with a running heel kick into the corner,. Show catches a dropkick attempt and throws RVD over the top rope, to the floor. Big Show with the ring steps, but RVD trips him up, and you know what happens. RVD tries a HIGH Cross body from the top rope to the floor, but Show catches his attempt and dumps him back in the ring. RVD fights back again, hanging Show across the top rope. RVD grabs a steel chair, and it's quickly swatted away. Show with a chokeslam, but RVD kicks out at two! Show with the Cobra clutch throw on the poor referee, and damn it looks cool on small people. Show goes for a powerbomb, but RVD smashes the chair into his face. I didn't even notice he had the chair. Anyway, RVD covers, but the referee is dead. RVD with the Van-Daminator! RVD to the top rope, and the 5-Star Frog Splash connects! Heyman runs into the ring like at One Night Stand... but pulls a Shane McMahon, stopping at two, and screwing RVD over in the process. Show wakes up, and scrambles RVD's brains with the chair. Show then chokeslams RVD onto the chair, and Heyman counts the three count at 14:47. The winner and NEW ECW Champion, the Big Show. The crowd is absolutely dead... except for shit flying in the ring. Heyman takes a nice bath in what I hope is beer and not another yellow-ish liquid. Woah, Heyman takes a whole cup right to the side of the head! Well, time to rate the match. It wasn't too good, but it had it's moments. David vs. Goliath is usually an interesting match storyline, but it just didn't work well here, mainly because RVD isn't that good of a worker when it comes to psychology. [*1/2]


Final Thoughts: Weird show here. The betrayal of Heyman on RVD you could've seen coming a mile away, but it worked, I guess. The rest of the show is very iffy. It's basically the same show as last week, except this time Test debuted and squashed Al Snow and Head. Also, we get our first look at C.M. Punk, who's character was custom built for a heel run, but ECW "evolved" in a matter of hours, and Punk became a face instead. Oh well, it's time for the downward spiral that was ECW's "credibility."

ECW on Sci-Fi - July 11th, 2006:


- Week #5 of the new ECW program, and it's time to take a major U-Turn on my "support" of the new brand. Last week, for those who skipped over it, featured Paul Heyman double-crossing long-time associate and "friend" Rob Van Dam, in favor of his new "chosen one", the Big Show. We also got the return of Test to WWE Programming, something I'm sure every fan was waiting for. Other stuff happend too, but nothing important.


- Paul Heyman comes out to open the show, along with two guys dressed up like police in riot gear. Too bad the Boss Man passed away, because I'm sure he would've been first on the list for that role. Heyman reminds us about last week, then suspends Rob Van Dam for "30 days" for his own good. I wonder if the 30 days will actually BE 30 days, and not 28, since ECW doesn't do shows on Thursdays as well. Although a bit silly to force onto the show after only a month, but Heyman knows how to deliver a great promo, and this segment worked just fine.

Backstage, we pass by several undercard guys. Heyman stops to speak with Tommy Dreamer, who is kind of shocked at what is going on. Heyman then orders him to be in a match... NEXT, on ECW.


1. Tommy Dreamer vs. Test:
Is this ECW, or Sunday Night Heat circa March 2002? It's about time we got to see Tommy Dreamer in the ring in these shows, not counting a battle royal, or the two ass-kickings from the Big Show. He's also wrestling in his street clothes, but has time to tape up his fists while the long-lost brother of Mr. Ed makes his way to the ring. Last week, for those who missed it, Test demolished Al Snow in his ECW Debut. Test with a bitch slap, followed by another. Dreamer unloads with a series of blows, and clotheslines Test over the top a la Mick Foley. Test quickly picks Dreamer up and rams him into the post. Tazz reminds us this is NOT an Extreme Rules match... so then it's not ECW, right? Back into the ring, and Test connects with a charging clothesline into the corner. "Tommy Dreamer" chant picks up, meaning this is NOT ECW fans, because they aren't insulting Test or using foul language. Test works over Dreamer in the corner, stomping a Canadian mudhole. Test with a side back breaker, then applies... a BEARHUG! Bearhugs are EXTREME! Dreamer rakes the eyes to escape. Dreamer punches some more and kicks Test questionably low. Dreamer with a swinging neck breaker, followed by another, a la Triple H. Dreamer SNAPS and calls for his DDT. Test counters, and plants Dreamer with a full nelson slam, a signature move of his that I kinda missed. Test heads UP TOP, but misses his signature elbow drop. Dreamer goes for the DVD, but Test uses the ropes to counter and rolls Dreamer up for the three count at 3:55. Oh yeah, Test used the ropes for leverage. Using the ropes is EXTREME! Okay match, but I wouldn't call it good or anything. [*]


- Ariel is back to read the Tarot cards, but The Vampire Dude interrupts to spit more blood into the camera lens.


- Kelly's Expose again. We find out Kelly's last name is Kelly, meaning either her parents were REALLY stupid, or someone in creative is really stupid. She's joined this week by Candice Michelle, who also doesn't get naked (despite posing naked for Playboy and being in softcore porn on Cinemax). Mike Knox interupts, but this time someone does something about it. The Sandman canes Knox around the mini-set, and knocks him off, through the back drop. Crowd had to like that, and no long Sandman matches is always a good thing.


- C.M. Punk cuts another promo, hyping up his debut in ECW. I've seen worse.


2. Sabu vs. Justin Credible:
This is NOT an Extreme Rules match, so the referee takes away Sabu's chair. Yeah, this is going to be good. Sabu in a straight match against Aldo Montoya. Joey Styles hypes up Saturday Night's Main Event, which will feature, for the first time, an ECW "Extreme Rules" match with Sabu! Anyway, Sabu dives at Credible, but misses. Credible with a series of leg drops and punches in the corner. Whip to the corner, and Credible runs into a boot. Sabu with a sloppy slam, followed by a springboard side kick for a two count. Credible gets sent out of the ring to find a table, and Sabu surprises him with a somersault pescado. Slingshot leg drop into the ring gets a two count. Sabu sets up the table, which is falling apart from the sides (the metal part). Credible with a baseball slide and whip into the apron. Sabu fights back and sets Credible across the table, and comes off the middle rope with a leg drop through the table... and Sabu is Disqualified at 1:50. Despite the loss, SABU'S music plays. Poor Credible... first jobs in 90 seconds to Angle, then wins by DQ to Sabu with zero fanfare (or logic to it). The table spot and Sabu's usual stuff is worth a fraction of a star. [1/2*]


- Balls Mahoney with a promo. He's an original, you know. Squint your eyes, and he KINDA looks like Mick Foley, except with less talent, and more teeth.


- RIC FLAIR cuts a promo, bad mouthing ECW in the process. Um... why is Ric Flair in "ECW"? He's about as extreme as diaper rash these days.


- Shannon Moore is a reject, and he's coming to ECW too. Great, now we're REALLY scraping the bottom of the barrel for new "stars" to showcase on the show.


3. ECW World Championship; Extreme Rules Match:
Big Show © vs. Ric Flair:
Is this ECW or a Monday Nitro circa 1996? Apparently this was set up on Raw, once again blowing logic out of the window with a shotgun. The only way I could accept Ric Flair in a "ECW" ring is if he's wrestling Shane Douglas, or Shane Douglas is somehow involved period. Lockup, and Show easily takes Flair into the corner. Flair with eye rakes, but Show no-sells. Flair rolls out of the ring for the COMMERCIAL OF DOOM! I appaeared to have kept a commercial hyping Hogan's appearence at SNME and a Miami Vice spot... back to the match, and Show is in control. Show with a press slam, followed by a trio of headbutts. Flair already blades, and Show punches a bunches. Flair with chops, but Show doesn't sell, and returns with chest slaps. Flair flop. Show hurls Flair across the ring and clotheslines him out of the ring. If you couldn't tell, I'm bored out of my fucking mind. Flair pulls out a trash can of goodies, but decides to trade blows with Show instead of using a weapon. Back into the ring, and Show with a vertical suplex. Flair chops again, and Big Show no-sells again, and headbutts again. Irish whip, and Show with a sloppy powerslam. Flair chops, Show headbutts. Flair with a blatant low blow... followed by another. Show tosses Flair aside, so Flair kicks him in the balls this time. Then he gets him from behind, no doubt inspired by Billy Gunn. Flair brings his weapons into the ring, and finally things are "picking up." Flair with a "barbed wire" bat, and he runs it across Show's face, then hits a home run off Show's midsection. Now it's a barb-wire fake rake, and Show clearly blades. Flair with a trash can, and he bashes Show good with it. Steel chair time, and he nails Show in the chest and across the back, finally taking him off his feet. That only gets a two count. Flair busts out THUMBTACKS, because we all know thumbtacks are EXTREME! Flair wit another chair, and Show takes another beating, this time off the skull. He's balls enough at least to take it like a man. After three, Show goes timber onto the thumbtacks. Show is PISSED, and clotheslines Flair into the retirement home. Chokeslam! Show with the cobra clutch back breaker, and Flair is knocked out for the victory at 9:53. Show, after the match, adds insult to injury by reapplying the hold, and hurling Flair into the thumbtacks. Afterwards, the medics help Flair backstage to a "standing ovation." The first 7-minutes of this match was dog shit awful, but the last few were entertaining in a garbage brawl kind of way. I'll be nice for once, but my rating is still to be considered below-par. [*1/2]


Final Thoughts: I'm not liking this episode. Test uses the ropes to win, Sabu is DQ'ed for using a table, and RIC FLAIR main events an "ECW" broadcast? Heyman's promo at the start of the show was pretty good, but that 8-minutes can't save the rest of the show. And so it begins.