- Recieved in a recent trade is a bunch of matches and other assorted angle developments from the WWF that I would never force onto another human being... unless they deserved the torture, that is. Nothing mind blowing here. Just a bunch of random "features" from SuperStars, Challenge, and Primetime, some squash matches with recognizable names, and plenty of Andre the Giant, Conquistadors, and Boris Zhukov. Imagine THAT Survivor Series Team.
1. Strike Force (Tag Team Champs) vs. The Conquistadors:
(Tito Santana & Rick Martel vs. Conquistador #1 & #2)
From a December of '87 episode of SuperStars, with Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura on commentary. Off the bat, Jesse Ventura is my hero, mocking how bad "Girls in Cars" is. For those who haven't heard the non-instrumental version, it's possibly the wussiest song in the history of music that was written by, what I believe, was a man. Ventura also claims the Conquistadors want revenge on Santana for some bad tacos he gave them. The Hart Foundation cut an inset promo, pissed off at losing the Tag Titles. We have more time, so we get an advertisement for the latest WWF Magazine as well. The Conquistadors get some token offense on Martel, but the Strike Force take over and Martel forces one of the masked men to submit at 3:29. I think the Conquistadors were Jose-LUIS Rivera and Jose Estrada, but I'm not 100% sure.
2. Outback Jack vs. "The Natural" Butch Reed (w/ Slick):
From the same show as the previous match. I originally thought the audio was crpaping out... but then I realize it's Jack's theme, which sounds like a plunger being used on a toilet clogged with shit, no doubt inspiring the music for T.L. Hopper nearly a decade later. To show his true musical tastes, Ventura compliments "Jive Soul Bro" for being a great song. Amen, brother! "The Rock" Don Muraco with an inset promo, pissed off at the Natural for taking out his mentor and assistant shooter, SuperStar Billy Graham. Outback Jack, after months of hype to start the year, has been reduced to JTTS status here. Outside of a few punches and kicks, he gets no notable offense. Reed controls with basically the same, then finishes off the man from the Outback with a top rope clothesline to the back of the head at 2:07.
3. Hulk Hogan vs. Boris Zhukov (w/ Nikolai Volkoff & Slick):
From an April '88 episode of SuperStars. From 1987-1992, you can literally count the amount of fresh matches Hulk Hogan had on the weekend shows... three, to my knowledge (vs. Bob Orton, here vs. Zhukov, and vs. Dino Bravo in '90). Even Andre The Giant has made more... okay, not in FEATURES, but he did appear in some squashes, especially in the days of the Colossal Connection. Before the match, Nikolai Volkoff sings the ruskie national anthem. The rest is a Hulk Hogan ass-whooping for Zhukov. Hogan no-sells everything, Hulks Up after a kick, and finishes Zhukov off with the big boot and leg drop at 1:52. I'm not sure, but this might've been one of Hogan's last appearences before disappearing for the Spring and Summer, filming No Holds Barred.
4. "The Rock" Don Muraco (w/ SuperStar Billy Graham) vs. Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart (w/ Jimmy Hart):
From PrimeTime Wrestling, and pulled from what appears to be Madison Square Garden. Joined in Progress (boo) with the commentary excellence of Roger Kent (who?) and Lord Alfred Hayes. Muraco was pretty much doing nothing at this point, and the Hart Foundation were going through a weird period. Bret(t) was turning face, but Anvil was just heeling it up. It wasn't until July of '88 that the team fully turned face and dumped Jimmy as their manager. Basically a boring "power" match. You know it's that because there's a test-of-strength spot thrown in for no logical reason. Lots of clubbering blows landed and missed, and all this excitement makes me wonder why I hate todays spotfests. After Muraco throws a C+ dropkick, he mounts the Anvil... in the corner. Muraco tries a sunset flip, but Neidhart blocks and holds onto the ropes for the three count at 3:12. SuperStar and Muraco argue about the call, to no avail.
5. Jake "The Snake" Roberts vs. The Conquistador:
From an episode of SuperStars. I'm guessing from the Fall of 1988, but I'm honestly not sure. For some reason, we get an inset "promo" from Jake's wife, Cheryl. That seems a bit weird, but it also pin points this to sometime in the Summer-Fall of '88, when she was focused on television during the Roberts/Rude angle. Basic squash match, but Roberts takes his sweet time finishing Conquistador off. After a short-arm clothesline and DDT, it's all over at 2:44, and then it's time for the snake attack. Damn Conquistador is covered from head to toe in yellow, so we don't know if he's pissing himself in fear.
6. Tim Horner vs. "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig:
From the Boston Garden, and rebroadcasted on the December 26th, 1988 episode of Primetime Wrestling, with SuperStar Billy Graham, Lord Alfred and someone who I forgot on commentary. Hennig gets a very mild heel reaction, as does Horner, probably due to the fact he's a bottom-card loser. Graham blames it on him being from the south, which I guess is better than just ignoring it. Decent match for the most part, with obvious AWA and NWA influences in both men. Hennig doesn't do much of his famous over-the-top-over-selling, but he does have his moments here and there. To the finish... Horner makes the SuperJobber comeback, connecting with a dropkick (™ Jim Brunzell) and cradles Hennig for a two count. A stiff clothesline gets another two count. Horner tries for a blind cross body press, but that obviously misses. Hennig then easily locks Horner in the Perfect-Plex for the three count at 9:44. Seems like the crowd was into the last couple of minutes, but the rest was the usual heatless reactions from the morons in Bonertown.
7. Hillbilly Jim vs. Andre The Giant:
From the Nassau Coliseum. Yes, this match did happen. On T.V. In 1989. With Tony Schiavone and Lord Alfred on the call. May God have mercy on the soul of whoever booked this. Smart observations says Hillbilly is probably replacing Big John Studd, who left sometime around when this match took place, and HBJ took over his spots on the house shows for a few weeks. 2-seconds into the match, and Andre gets caught in his Top Rope Special™. From there... oh boy. Choke, headbutt, choke, headbutt, punch. Hillbilly grabs his lucky horseshoe, then hammers on Andre with sledges. Andre with more choking and chops. Hillbilly punches. Andre with a bearhug. Hillbilly with the vulcan neck pinch. Andre with a headbutt, and more choking. Out comes Haku, then follows is Jim Duggan, as Haku stomps on Hillbilly Jim outside of the ring. Duggan returns the favor by KO'ing Andre with his 2x4 behind the referee's back. Hillbilly covers for 1...2... but Andre kicks out, maybe because he was supposed to, or because Haku missed his cue. Anyway, Haku comes in to beat up on Hillbilly, drawing the Disqualification at 8:05. Duggan helps clear the ring afterwards. Production fuck up says Andre is the winner, but 2-seconds later, Hillbilly is a winner. Talk about a bad match... none of it strung together at all. It was just random crap "spots" that went nowhere.
The Brother Love Show with The Genius. From around June of '89. Genius is freshly turned heel, I think, considering Brother Love calls him "Brother Genius Lanny Poffo." Poff... er, Genius, reads a long-winded poem that doesn't even arrive, then declares Brother Love the "Dr. of Love." Wasn't that a KISS song? Anyway, he presents him with his own bath robe and cap, which finally explains why he's wearing that in a trading card I have from an old series of WWF Cards.
Special Report: Big Boss Man was about to beat-down another hapless sap, but out of nowhere comes the American Dream, Dusty Rhodes, to make the save. He steals Boss Man's nightstick and clubs him with it for good measure. Afterward, we get promos from both the Boss Man and Dusty. I don't think this was Dusty's DEBUT on WWF television, but was the first time he made his intentions clear in the ring.
8. The Rockers (Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty) vs. Boris Zhukov & Sandy Beach:
From an episode of Wrestling Challenge in July of '89. Boris Zhukov was reduced to "Jobber" status for whatever reason during the Spring-Fall of 1989, around the time Nikolai Volkoff disappeared from television. Sandy Beach is just some guy who I've only seen once before outside of WWF, on the crappy UWF PPV in 1991. As the match begins, we get an inset promo from Tito Santana, the partner of the Rockers for one of the Six-Man Tag Matches scheduled for SummerSlam. Long and boring squash match, with the Rockers just going... so... slow. I wonder if they are having demon problems? After disposing of the block-head Zhukov, they finish off Sandy Beach (what a clever name) with a double fist job... er, drop, for the three count at 4:21. Dammit, that's longer than most FEATURE matches at the time.
9. The Ultimate Warrior vs. Haku:
From an episode of PrimeTime Wrestling, possibly the SummerSlam Special, with Tony Schiavone and Lord Alfred Hayes on commentary. No Heenan at ringside, and Haku is wearing his king trunks, despite losing the crown a good three months earlier. It seems to me that whenever someone was getting ready to fight a top of the card Heenan Family Member, they always have to go through Haku on SNME or a weekend show as a "warm-up" that was supposed to be more than a warm-up. After some common offense from Warrior, Haku takes control for a good chunk of the match, a little weird considering his opponent is Warrior. Things go well, then it's the deathly Tongan Death Grip... or a vulcan neck pinch. Take your pick. Warrior begins no-selling, then for whatever reason, comes off the top rope with a shitty sledge. I guess he learned a new move over the last year. Out of nowhere, Warrior nails a REALLY sloppy shoulder tackle, and that's good enough for the three count at 8:02. The fuck... no splash or press slam? I feel robbed! After the match, IC Champ Rick Rude comes out to lay a beatdown on Warrior. After about 78 years, Andre The Giant waddles down to "make sure no one makes the save." Naturally Warrior fights Rude off, then press slams him onto Andre, who just kinda falls over fucking up catching him. I guess someone forgot Andre couldn't handle the strain of catching a person flung in the air (see: The Princess Bride). Where the hell was Haku in all of this?
The Brother Love Show with a parade of guests: The Twin Towers, Andre The Giant, Bobby Heenan, and Slick. This was probably my heel "Dream Team", mainly because of my Hasbro figures and quite frequently teaming the three of them up. Everyone gets to talk, bad mouthing either Demolition (the Towers' feud) or Jim Duggan (inserted into the Andre feud once John Studd was fired/ditched).
From the Pages of WWF Magazine, Here's Update: Recently, Jim Duggan defended his King "title" against the Nacho Man, Randy Savage. Highlights from that match: Savage KO's Duggan with a "loaded" purse, then covers for the three count and the crown. Afterwards, no doubt inspiring WrestleMania VII, Savage connects with not one, not two, but THREE flying elbow drops. Even Sherri comes off the top with a splash. Finally a brigade of jobbers (hey, it's break dancin' fool Mark Young!) save Duggan from further doom. Way to haul ass, guys.
The Brother Love Show with Andre The Giant and Bobby Heenan. Andre had recently been inserted into a program with the Ultimate Warrior... and how he's not just Andre the Giant, he's Andre, the ULTIMATE Giant. Horrible face-paint job included. The image of Andre laughing (or looking crazy) with that make up still haunts my nightmares... and I've only seen the picture as long as a few years ago. Truely a terrifying image. This feud, of course, produced some of the shortest (sometimes 15-seconds) and most horrible (see: several arena show or the 11/89 SNME) matches ever televised.
11. Dusty Rhodes (w/ Sapphire) vs. Conquistador #2:
From an episode of Wrestling Challenge, I think around March '90. Commentary by Tony Schiavone and Gorilla Monsoon, a PBP team I always forget about because of Schiavone's brief stint in the WWF. Thankfully, this is the last time we see a Conquistador on this tape, masked or not. During the match, the FatAss Express cuts an inset promo on someone you can figure out for yourself. After some basic squash tactics, Rhodes finishes off Numero Dos with his signature belly-bomb elbow drop at 1:47. I think this might've knocked Conquistador #2 into retirement, because I only remember seeing Conquistador #1 after this... that's supposed to be a stupid "joke", for people who can't grasp my insane and sometimes incomprehensible "humor".
Special Report: Mr. Fuji, busy managing the recently debuted Orient Express, sells the contracts of the Powers of Pain. First, we get a promo of Mr. Fuji selling the Warlord to Slick, then we see another with Bobby Heenan buying the Barbarian. Apparently all contract purchases are finalized in front of a large, blue back drop. How will this effect the wrestling world? Continue watching WWF programming!
12. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake vs. The Genius:
From an episode of Primetime Wrestling in May of 1990. Sean Mooney and Lord Alfred Hayes on commentary. Basically a comedy match, because the Genius is wearing his goofy wig, and it keeps falling off through out the match. At one point he hits one of his flippy/splash moves, but he spends too much time rearranging it. Beefcake comes back, applies the sleeper, and picks up the win at 5:25. After the match, Brutus Beefcake gives the Genius's wig a haircut. Then, for kicks, he puts the trimmings down the Genius' trunks. Ew...
13. The Red Rooster vs. Dino Bravo (w/ Jimmy Hart):
From PrimeTime Wrestling, and a rebroadcast from Madison Square Garden, sometime around May '90. Commentary by Gorilla Monsoon, Bobby Heenan, and Lord Alfred. We're also Joined in Progress, which, when it comes to Dino Bravo, is almost always a good thing. Bravo hammers away on Rooster in the corner, then applies one of the shitiest chinlocks in recorded history. Rooster surprises him with a backslide for a two count. Bravo with a slam and elbow drop. He gets caught coming off the top rope, and Rooster gets a series of two counts off of a clothesline and his jaw buster. Rooster bounces off the ropes, but Bravo connects with the side suplex, and that's more than enough for the three count at 3:29. Not too sure, but this might've been the last appearence of the Rooster, at least in a "feature" situation, until his return in 1992 as "Terriffic" Terry Taylor, when people would make rooster calls during his Monday Night Raw appearences at the Manhattan Center.
14. Nikolai Volkoff vs. Boris Zhukov:
The Bolsheviks Explode! From June of 1990, as a result of their split-up following a match against the Rockers about two weeks earlier. Thankfully, Zhukov joins the Conquistadors in the "won't be seeing them again" line on this tape. Before the match, Crome-Dome butchers what is supposed to be a russian national anthem, but it's more like Krusty murmuring the lines of the national anthem on the Simpsons episode "Lisa on Ice." Volkoff storms the ring, then busts out the Star Spangled Banner, to a big "pop" (canned reaction at it's finest, since everyone is sitting on their hands). Zhukov attacks from behind, works Volkoff over at ringside, then beats him down with his boot. Match never ends, but it only liked 45-seconds at most. Volkoff would get his revenge, squashing Zhukov in the SummerSlam Fever special a couple of months later.
15. Tugboat vs. The Warlord (w/ Slick):
Blech... from an episode of PrimeTime Wrestling, with Sean Mooney and Lord Alfred Hayes on commentary. No idea why I wanted to see this match. The combination of the two just sends chills down my spine. As expected, the match really sucks, as both men do their generic "big man/power man" stuff, with no one selling anything for the first five minutes. Tugboat ends up taking a minor beating, but he can't even sell properly (or he just sells badly), then makes his big comeback. After flooring the Warlord, he takes his sweet ass time setting something up... then runs the ropes TWICE for whatever reason, which ends up being so he can be caught in a choke by Slick on the apron. Disqualification win at 7:55 for the Tugster. Afterwards, Tugboat throws Slick over the top rope. I mean that loosely, as he kinda just thrusts his arms forward two inches, forcing Slick to literally jump over the top rope on his own... I don't know, but I think Tugboat was being kind of lazy for this one. It's a shame when the WALORD is forced to carry a match.
16. WWF Tag Team Championship Match:
Money Inc. © (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. High Energy:
(Ted Dibiase & Irwin R. Schyster vs. Owen Hart & Koko B. Ware)
More from PrimeTime Wrestling, from most likely the Spring of 1992, but I'm not 100% sure. Commentary by Gorilla Monsoon and Lord Alfred Hayes. Early in the tag team run of High Energy, but Owen and Koko did team up on-and-off during Owen's run as the Blue Blazer in 1988-89. Dibiase and Owen start, with Dibiase show-boating with several arm drags. Owen comes back with dropkicks, and Koko comes in with the same to I.R.S. to clear the ring. Koko tags in to face off with I.R.S. officially, and quickly gets to play his favorite party game: Face-in-Peril. Nothing much of note happens, other than the usual double teaming of the short black guy. Owen gets the hot tag and cleans house of both members of Money Inc. with clotheslines. Owen and Dibiase take it outside, but I.R.S. sneaks up from behind to KO Owen with his briefcase while the referee argues with Koko. Dibiase rolls back into the ring, and Owen is Counted-Out at 8:43. That has to be a first... a JTTS babyface team being protected against the Tag Team Champions. Decent match, but the middle portion was a pretty slow bit.
17. Virgil & Tito Santana vs. Money Inc. (Ted Dibiase & I.R.S.):
From an episode of Monday Night Raw: The Manhattan Center Days, with Vince McMahon, Randy Savage, and Rob Bartlett on commentary. Money Inc. are the Tag Team Champions, but this is clearly noted as not being a tag team title match. Some online smarks might want to refer to the babyface team as the Miracle Jobber Connection. Pretty much the same formula match as above, except the faces control longer. Santana and Virgil trade off headlocks, wristlocks, and armbars on the Champions, but the heels don't really sell to much since nothing of high impact ever happens. We come back from a commercial, and Santana is already playing the face-in-peril role, one he has perfected since 1989. Virgil eventually gets the hot tag, and cleans house with punches and shitty clotheslines. Virgil bounces off the ropes for something, but Dibiase trips him up from outside the ring. Virgil sets his attentions on Dibiase, allowing I.R.S. to sneak up behind him, connecting with a back suplex, for the three count at 7:31. At least the MJC got some token offense, even if it lead to nowhere.
18. Bob "Spark Plugg" Holly vs. Vader (w/ Jim Cornette):
From an episode of SuperStars in the Spring of 1996, with Jim Ross and Vince McMahon on commentary. For once, tough guy Bob Holly gets to be in the ring with someone who could kill him. Vader, in record time, plants Holly into the ground with a chokeslam. From there, it's a slow, tedious squash for Vader, who does all of his signature stuff: choking, the stiff punches in the corner, more choking. Holly with some token jobber offense, but Vader knocks the air out of him with a front powerslam. Whip to the corner, splash, and the Vader Bomb sends Holly back to Mobile, AL to put his parts together again at 3:40. Watching Bob Holly be squashed by Vader = Entertainment.
19. The New Rockers vs. The Hardy Brothers:
(Marty Jannetty & Leif Cassidy vs. Matt & Jeff Hardy)
Also from SuperStars, around the same time as the previous match. The Hardys have really crappy tights on that makes me question Jeff's sexual preferences... faded pink and white? Who the fuck wears those colors? Also both appear to be not-in-great-shape. The NEW Rockers with a pre-match handshake to heel heat... which happens to be canned. The NEW Rockers control the entire match. In one weird spot, the NEW Rockers whip Jeff across the ring, and ends up being back dropped out by his own brother. Jeff continues taking an ass kicking from the NEW Rockers, culminating in an awesome double team move: Leif Cassidy lifts up Jeff for a powerbomb, then Marty comes off the top to drive Jeff forward with a facebuster from the powerbomb position. Jeff is D.O.A. at 2:58, and sent back to Homo-Land with the rest of the gender confused 'rasslers in his backyard fed.
Final Thoughts: None of this shit will ever see the light of day on a DVD release any time within the next few millenniums. Outside of Andre/Hillbilly, which was quite awful, nothing else is really "rare" or worth tracking down. Everything on here was requested just for the sake of filling in some gaps in my tape collection... and I needed about 800 Conquistador matches. And one of the worst matches in 1989 that didn't include the Ultimate Warrior.