WWF PrimeTime Wrestling - 11/25/86
- The hosts, as usual, are Gorilla Monsoon... and no one else? Where's the Brain? Apparently he's been at the tailor for the last few hours... and oh my God, Bobby Heenan comes out, dressed like a Pilgrim. The graphic even identifies him as "John Smith." HIGH-larious. He's even got a silly looking wig on for added effect. Gorilla runs down some of the stuff we're going to see on the show (a lot of not-too promising stuff at that), and throws it to our first match...
1. WWF Womens Tag Titles: Leilani Kai & Judy Martin © vs. Penny Mitchell & Candice Purdue:
From the Boston Garden, with Gorilla Monsoon and Lord Alfred Hayes on commentary. I'm assuming this match is taken from the most recent Boston card, which makes it at around November 1st. I guess the Champs have yet to adopt the "Glamour Girls" tag name or Jimmy Hart as their manager. My God, someone put pants on Martin... her fat is boiling over from every part of her tights. THE HORROR, THE HORROR! The crowd boos both teams, so I have no idea if any of them is supposed to be a face. In a questionable non-call, Leilani Kai pushes over the referee to prevent a three-count, and doesn't get Disqualified. Commercial break, meaning this match gets to get another 5-10 minutes, sadly. I can't make it out, but it sounds like a muffled "Boring" chant, which isn't very surprising. Now it's picked up some steam as nothing happens. All heck ends up breaking loose, with Martin powerbombing Mitchell, and Leilani makes the cover the retain the tag titles at 10:18. That's pretty surprising to see, since the powerbomb wasn't really in vogue for another 3-4 years. Lord Alfred calls it something goofy, as per usual with him.
- Back in the studio, Heenan is on the phone with "Moolah." Heenan: The only thing around when the Pilgrims were was Moolah. Apparently he's inviting all the heels to a Thanksgiving bash he's throwing. For no reason, Salvatore Bellomo comes to join the hosts for... whatever reason. He talks, I don't listen, and I'm sure no one else does either. Heenan appears to be laughing, and hiding it behind his face behind his large wig.
2. Salvatore Bellomo vs. Hercules:
We're back at the Boston Garden, and thankfully, we're Joined in Progress for this disaster in the making. Hercules was either sold or on the verge to being sold to Bobby Heenan by Slick. He also seems to have ditched his gladiator entrance attire, judging by the commentary. I can't believe it... informative commentary when Lord Alfred is on the call. I don't think Bellomo has ever won a match against a "name" superstar in all of the times I've had to sit through his matches. Monsoon informs us that Heenan isn't at ringside, so I'm guessing he has just been sold to him. Hercules pretty much squashes Bellomo before finishing him off with the Torture Rack (or as Monsoon called it, a horizontal back breaker) at 3:23. At least it was kept short, but my God, for three-minutes, it felt more like ten. To add insult to injury, Hercules gives him a back breaker from that position after the bell sounds.
- Gorilla Monsoon has a letter from Jack Tunney that states Bobby Heenan's checks were returned insufficiant. We cut to a SPECIAL Interview with Ken Resnick, and his guest this time are the reigning Tag Team Champions, the British Bulldogs, Davey Boy Smith and Dynamite Kid, along with their mascot, Matilda. My GOD. NOT MATILDA! Dynamite "talks" to Matilda, and quotes Winston Churchill, which would've made sense if Davey Boy did that in 1991 when he had Winston as his "mascot."
3. Billy Jack Haynes vs. Bob Orton Jr. (w/ Jimmy Hart):
More from the Boston Garden, and this time we're at least getting something the fans might give more than a tenth of a shit for... and naturally, we're Joined in Progress, but it doesn't appear to be too late into the match. In the straight out of "When the hell did that happen" moment, Bob Orton is now managed by Jimmy Hart, thanks to his new found association with Adrian Adonis. I don't think this pairing lasted too long, since Orton ended up teaming a lot with Muraco, who was managed by Mr. Fuji at the time. At the pace this match is going, I have a feeling it's going to be a Time Limit Draw, or very close to it at least. I think Haynes might've hurt his groin taking a bump out of the ring, because he grabs himself (hands down the tights), on camera, and just does that for about 15 seconds. Once Orton takes control on offense, I notice he no longer has a cast on his left arm. Haynes manages to "Oregon-Up" late into the match, and pounds away on Orton. Haynes with a second rope elbow drop for a very close two count. They trade blows for a while, with Haynes coming out on top of that, as Orton gets caught in the ropes. The action spills outside of the ring, and we better not get what I think we're getting.... Haynes sends Orton into the ring post, but both men make it back into the ring. Orton with a sleeper, and again both men go spilling out of the ring. Both men exchange near falls, and the bell sounds at 19:00, signalling a Time Limit Draw. I think any moron could've seen that one coming, but it's too bad since the match was picking up steam for the last 5-6 minutes. Haynes, naturally, gets on the microphone after the match to demand more time, but that never happens officially.
- Back in the studio, and Heenan offers Gorilla Monsoon to be at his Thanksgiving Dinner with every heel Heenan can name without taking a breath. Gorilla declines the offer, making him a major dickhead. Big DEAL it's with a bunch of the scum of the earth that no one could possibly like.
4. Koko B. Ware vs. Jimmy Jack Funk:
More from the Boston Garden, and this was pretty early in Koko B. Ware's run in the WWF. I think he was actually allowed to a win a match here and there that wasn't against some unnamed jobber on the syndicated shows. This match will no doubt get at least 10-minutes, despite the fact Koko was squashing him on SuperStars in less than 2 at some points over the next 6 months. Since Jimmy Jack takes a hike, we get a replay of Koko dropkicking him in the mouth. Koko sure does have a lot of spring in his legs for a guy that's maybe 5'7". You can tell when Gorilla is bored... he starts talking about how, in his days, tights only came in black, red, and green, and if you were fancy, had initials on them. Jimmy Jack gets tired of losing, so he whips Koko with his rope... and isn't Disqualified. Then he throws the referee... and isn't Disqualified. Then he uses the rope more and nails the referee again, and FINALLY, the bell rings at 12:41, awarding the match to Koko B. Ware. Gorilla Monsoon comments he was about to ring the bell. Jesus, 13-minutes for that finish? Jimmy Jack Funk couldn't do a fucking clean job at this point of his run!? The fucking bugger only got a push for 3 hours in the spring, and he can't job cleanly?
- We're back in the studio once again. Heenan accuses Hogan of being a leach, copping a free meal at the Orndorff Residence at the last Thanksgiving. Monsoon says it's the other way around as we go to a Commercial. We come back, and Heenan is still on the subject, as we're brought the next suckfest...
5. Scott McGhee vs. Sika (w/ The Wizard):
Oh Christ, is this match going to suck, and suck hard. I just pray to GOD it's no longer than 5-minutes. I just had to sit through the last suckfest, and a horrible Womens Tag Match earlier in the program. Is it too much to ask for more than one match that's worth a damn and that has a clean finish?! Sika dominates 50-seconds into the match, so I can safely assume it will be kept short. If you didn't tell me this was Scott McGhee, I would've confused him for either Jim Powers or Paul Roma, since they all look alike, and all wore red tights, and all jobbed like crazy in '86. McGhee attempts a mild comeback, but he gets nailed with a Samoan Drop, and that's enough for the three count at 4:41. McGhee's only offense appeared to be one dropkick. Talk about doing the job...
- Gorilla Monsoon hypes another special guest, someone that hates Thanksgiving more than Bobby Heenan. Coming up next, the feature match of the week. Heenan describes Thanksgiving as a 90 course meal, watching a lousy football game, burping, and eating turkey for 6 more weeks.
6. Raymond Rugeau & Lanny Poffo (w/ Jacques Rougeau) vs. The Moondogs (Rex & Spot):
... This is the feature match of the night? Talk about getting screwed in the ass at the times of the holidays. This, coming from the same card as Bulldogs/Foundation and Piper/Muraco, and we get THIS match as the PrimeTime Feature? According to the ring announcer, Jacques Rougeau is suffering from a "serious leg injury", so we get a suitable replacement in LANNY POFFO. I wonder who's going to lose this match now. Lord Alfred informs us that he as several fractures in his foot, so it's not as serious as we're lead to believe, but it's still enough to put a cast around. In what is the most surprising moment of the match so far (sarcasm), Lanny Poffo gets to play the face-in-peril. Raymond eventually gets the hot-french-Canadian tag (OK, it was more like extremely mild tag), and he cleans house of both Moondogs. Dropkick by Rougeau to Rex for a two count. A back drop gets another two count. All heck breaks loose, as expected, and Lanny is easily disposed of. Raymond with a cross body on Rex as Jacques trips up Spot with his crutch, and that's good enough for a three count at 11:40. So the Rougeaus had the cheating bug in them even back in 1986. At least I didn't have to sit through a Moondogs victory.
- After we go through Heenan's list one more time, Gorilla Monsoon brings out the very special guest... a TURKEY named Tommy. The turkey "attacks" Heenan (or more like thrown at by Monsoon), who goes nuts on the stage, running for his life like a girly-man with a bad wig on and dressed like a Pilgrim. Monsoon begins talking to the turkey, meaning the Bulldogs weren't the only people insane at the time.
Final Thoughts: The stuff with Heenan and Monsoon rules, the matches suck, as usual with PrimeTime. Blech... Lanny Poffo in the feature match?!
How could ya' leave Lanny Poffo's pre-match poem which sold the Rouegaus as sexay ladies' men?!
How could ya? Answer: Easily.
Yer' right, the Monsoon/Heenan exchanges are fun. Those two could read a bus schedule and make it entertaining. Honestly, when my buddy J and I get old, we aspire to bicker back and forth like Gorilla and the Brain.
Oh yeah, and I feel dirty for saying this... but I got the sense that Leilani Kai mighta' been a Semi-Hot Chic at one point in her life. She looked like she'd been rode hard and hung out to dry by 1986, though.
Oh yeah 2: I dug Dynamite's promo. He was aping Churchill's speech, which was more commonly known at the time as: THE INTRO TO IRON MAIDEN'S LIVE AFTER DEATH!!! Dynamite fucking rules.
Oh yeah 3: the ES Sports Staff is copy n' pasting this.
Leilani Kai was fuckin' smoking and you all know it!
Good review, Scrooge, you are an inspiration to dozens B)
Dozens of what? Unemployed losers?
| QUOTE (Scrooge McSuck @ Dec 15 2006, 12:27 PM) |
| Dozens of what? Unemployed losers? |
Hey, that's a good place to start.
Actually, dozens of New Jersey Nincompoops (tm, Rick Rude) who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" and name themselves after wrestling cruises.
(which means that we'll hear from That Bunch in a few days...)