- Well...here we go. The 1990-1991 WCW Wrestlecrap Compilation Tape. I will, as always do star-ratings for each match, but I will also include the ever popular "How stupid is this gimmick?" ratings, with DUD being the best (i.e. very not bad) and ***** being the absolute worst (Gooker levels). Wish me luck of keeping my sanity...(prays to God)
- The Dynamic Dudes vs. The New Zealand Militia (w/ Lord Little Brooke):
Fuck...the Dudes are of course Johnny Ace & Shane Douglas before anyone gave a shit about them. The NZM are Jacko Victory & Rip Morgan, accompanied by a MIDGET. Yes, it's the same Little Brooke from Wrestlemania III. I of course, like calling the DD the Dynamic Douches. Victory and Ace start the match...and I already have a headache. They lockup and Victory with a side headlock and shoulder block. Criss cross sequence and Ace with a series of dropkicks. Douglas tags in and planchas over the ropes onto Victory. Lockup back inside and we get some wristlocks. Morgan tags in and Douglas with an arm drag. Irish whip and Ace with a running bulldog. Irish whip and Victory pulls the ropes down on Ace, who spills outside. Irish whip inside and Morgan with a sidewalk slam. Ace eats some turnbuckle and Morgan with a clothesline in the corner followed by a clothesline by Victory. Irish whip to the corner again and Ace with a boot to the face. Morgan stomps on Ace and chokes him in the corner. Morgan with a scoop slam and he misses a leg drop from the second rope. Douglas gets the hot tag and hammers away on Victory. Irish whip and back body drop followed by a series of rights. Irish whip and Douglas with a clothesline. All heck breaks loose and Jim Cornette and the Midnight Express comes out. In the meantime, the midget hits Douglas with the cane and the Militia get three at 5:05...but wait, the referee saw the cane and reverses the decision. * Eh, I've seen worse, but this was too punchy kicky with the Militia on offense too much. Douglas looked plenty green here, and of course, I hate screwy finishes. Wrestlecrap Rating: *1/2 Combined for the Dudes, Militia and the Midget. Nothing really stupid here, but I'm not a big fan of the Dudes and I hate midgets in wrestling.
- WrestleWar 1990 commercial. Some really bad rapping highlighted by clips of WCW wrestling action. Nothing bad here, but shows how corny these things were when looking back at them now.
- Norman The Lunatic vs. G.Q. Strata:
Norman is announced from the State Hospital...I think. He also comes to the ring to the tunes of "Shout", and does some dancing to mock Michael P.S. Hayes, who's on commentary with some other chump stain. Norman is scary over as a babyface...I guess dancing fat guys really IS a good gimmick. God knows McMahon milked Rikishi for all he could. For those who don't know, Norman is played by Mike Shaw, who was p.k.a Mahkan Singh in Stampede, and later became Friar Ferguson and Bastion Booger in the WWF. Lockup and Norman hammers Strata down. Irish whip and Norman with a back elbow. Norman with a series of headbutts and he connects with a leg drop. Bunch of weak punching by Norman eats up some time. Strata comes back with punches in the corner and chokes Norman. Irish whip to the corner and Strata with a hip toss and more choking. Irish whip and Strata with a clothesline followed by a long chinlock. Norman fights back and splashes Strata. Irish whip and Strata tries a sunset flip, but Norman sits on him for three at 4:36. DUD Nothing really stands out here at all, and when you have a Jobber with a gut getting more time on offense than the actual Superstar, something is wrong. Wrestlecrap Rating: **1/2 Norman The Lunatic was originally managed by Theodore Long, who held a big gold key to his instituation. He would be carted to the ring strapped to a thing-a-ma-jig, and be strapped back in after the match. Here, he's a dancing idiot. I'm sure I've seen much worse though.
- Ole Anderson promo, and he introduces the Minnesota Wrecking Crew II, who I believe were Mike Enos and Wayne Bloom, before they became the Beverly Brothers in the WWF. Boring promo, that goes on way too long. He throws threats at the Steiner Brothers.
- Minnesota Wrecking Crew II (w/ Ole Anderson) vs. Larry Santo & Italian Stallion:
Here we go...only the third match of the tape and I already feel sick to my stomache. Beau Beverly will be assigned Crew #1, and Blake is #2. Crew #2 and Stallion start with a lockup. Hammerlock reversal and Santo comes ina nd takes a beating. Firemans carry by #2 and he elbows the arm of Santo. #1 tags in with a fist drop off the top rope and works the arm with a wristlock. #2 tags back in and hammers away. Irish whip and Crew #2 with a clothesline and he works the arm some more. Crew #1 comes in to work the arm MORE. Hammerlock slam by Crew #2 and more kicking. Crew #2 finishes Santo...WITH AN ARMBAR at 2:31. Yes, he beat the guy with a friggin armbar. -* For a pretty bad match with a horrible ending. Wrestlecrap Rating: 1/2* Two masked guys hired to take out ::random team::...been there before.
- Captain Mike Rotundo (w/ Norman) vs. The Galaxian #1:
The first of Mike Rotundos gimmicks in WCW to kinda suck. Him and Norman bring a mystery box to ringside, but there is no payoff to that here, so why did I bother mentioning it? Lockup and Norman is playing with TMNT plastic Sais. Criss cross and Rotundo with a hip toss. Lockup and Rotundo with a standing side headlock and a dropkick. Rotundo with an atomic drop and the Galaxian oversells. Galaxian with a wristlock, but Rotundo reverses out of it. Galaxian with an over-head wristlock, and Rotundo reverses into a hammerlock. Galaxian with a bunch of eye rakes that Rotundo no sells. Rotundo with the airplane spin and firemans carry slam for three at 3:12. * Eh, Rotundo at least tried to make it look like a wrestling match. Wrestlecrap Rating: * Suddenly going from the Captain of a Wrestling team to a Captain of a Boat and now with an anchor stitched onto his ass makes this kinda bad, but not one of the top ones.
- Oh God NO!!! It's ROBOCOP!!! This is from some shitty WCW PPV from 1990 (Capital Combat I think). Sting comes out for an interview, but in a matter of seconds, the Horsemen lock him inside a shark cage. They do nothing while ROBOCOP walks...really...slowly...to the area, rips the door of the cage to save Sting...and thats it. Wrestlecrap Rating: ****3/4 What the hell was the point of this? The Gooker is the 5-star rating, so to go the full monty, something has to be as bad as the Gooker. Time to vomit...
- The Danger Zone, hosted by Paul E. Dangerously, has Tommy Rich and the Junkyard Dog as his guests. I don't care, but odds are this was during JYD's short feud with Ric Flair that produced some of Flairs worst matches ever.
- Trucker Norm vs. Bill Ford:
Gimmick #2 in WCW for Mike Shaw. For some reason, Ole Anderson didn't care for the guy, so he suddenly changed his gimmick when his previously one was on fire. Ford attacks from behind with punches. Norm hammers away now and Ford topples like a bowling pin. Irish whip and Norm with a clothesline followed by some squashes in the corner. Irish whip and back drop by Norm. Norman beats on Ford some more and connects with a leg drop. Irish whip to the corner and Norm connects with the ho train and finishes with a second rope splash at 2:11. DUD Nothing match, and a mega-squash. Wrestlecrap Rating: *** A mental patient turns into a truck driver because of the death of his father. Mainly given a higher rating because it LINKED with the other gimmick.
- "The Candyman" Brad Armstrong & "White Lightning" Tim Horner vs. The Master Blasters:
...AH! This won't be the last appearence of Brad Armstrong here, and the Master Blasters...ugh. This is the Blasters debut, and they are named Iron and Steel. Steel is, of course, Kevin Nash, when he sucked even more. Horner and Steel start the match with a lockup, and guess who wins that shove off. Steel with a wristlock and shoves him into the corner. Iron in with a weak knee lift. Wristlock and Iron works the arm. Irish whip and the Blasters with a weak double elbow. Steel with chops and he misses a charge in the corner. Horner hammers away but is quickly put down and we BOTH Blasters miss stuff. Armstrong hammers on Iron but is put down with a shoulder tackle. Irish whip and double clothesline by the Blasters for two. Irish whip and Steel with a powerslam for two. Irish whip and Nash calls a spot. Armstrong with a series of dropkicks but Nash no sells stuff. Iron in with another shoulder tackle followed by a slam and an elbow drop that barely hits for two. The Lightning Express come back on Iron, but that doesn't last long. Horner is put away with a double shoulder tackle at 4:50. -*** Horrible Match, and when you get NEGATIVES from Armstrong & Horner, someone sucks, and it's not them. Wrestlecrap Rating: **1/2 Thank God these Road Warrior/Powers of Pain/Demolition rip offs died off in about a week.
- Next Up...the Black Scorpion cuts a promo. The Scorpion is covered completely in darkness, with a smoke like background. Scorpion just rambles a bit, throwing threats at Sting. The Black Scorpion says, in not so many words, he wants to KILL Sting...yes, he just said he wanted Sting dead. I'll save the Scorpion rating until the end of his stuff.
- Trucker Norm cuts a promo among the crowd...with The Juicer. Yes, it's the late-Art Barr doing a Beetlejuice gimmick, and his body is covered from head to toe in baby powder. They pimp the up-coming Halloween Havoc Pay-Per-View.
- The Candyman Brad Armstrong cuts a promo from Halloween Havoc 1990 with Tony Schiavone dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. In a nutshell, Brad Armstrongs charisma is rated somewhere between a microwave and a toaster. He stumbles over everything he says with no direction. What kind of Candyman comes out in speedos and touches a bunch of little kids? wouldn't that be the job of a Priest? Wrestlecrap Rating: 1/2* Nothing mind numbingly stupid here.
- WCW World Heavyweight Championship Match:
Sting © vs. Sid Vicious:
From the 1990 Halloween Havoc. Neither man is Wrestlecrap, but the finish is why it's here. The VQ for this match is pretty bad, so I'll try my best here. This has an HOUR time limit, so I hope it doesn't go that long. It's hard to imagine that it's been years since these two guys were in their prime at the same time. Sid hammers on Sting and catches a body press attempt with a back breaker...and Sting NO-SELLS! Sting hammers away and trips up Sid, and tries a figure-four, but Sid escapes. Lockup and Sid rakes the eyes of Sting. Sting ducks a punch and back drops Sid out and they fight outside the ring. Sting shoves Sid into the steel post and the action goes back inside. Sting with a wristlock. Sid misses a corner charge and Sting reapplies the hold. Sting takes Sid down with a head scissors...AND SID KIPS UP! Holy shit, when did Sid ever do that? Sid with a clothesline and some posing followed by kicks to the head. Sid chokes Sting across the top rope and calls a spot on camera. Sting attempts a sunset flip...and actually gets it for a two count. Sid floors him with another clothesline and covers for two. Sid applies the Vulcan Neck Pinch of Severe Discomfort! Sting fights free with rights but Sid catches him with a powerslam for two. Sid is scary over as a babyface here. Sid chokes away and pounds on Sting near the ropes. Irish whip to the corner is reversed and Sting misses the Stinger-Splash. Sting no sells a bit and comes off the top rope with a cross body press for ONE. Sid with a sledge to the back and stomps Sting out of the ring. Back inside the ring and Sid applies the dreaded Reverse chinlock. Sid with a snapmare takeover, and he misses an elbow drop. Sting misses an elbow drop too, and Sting kicks away at Sid. Running bulldog by Sting and he tries something before getting kicked in the face. Sid clotheslines Sting down on the elevated ramp and calls more spots I'm assuming. Sting no sells again and does a suicide dive from the ramp into the middle of the ring! Sting with a dropkick followed by a plancha! Lucha-Sting! They brawl into the crowd...*ominous music* They come back to camera view...and Sting looks awful! he's grown 4 inches and gained like 50 pounds! Sting with a slam attempt, but Sid falls on top for three at 11:43! Wait a minute...that's not Sting! It's a fake! The REAL Sting returns and connects with a Stinger Splash and small package for the REAL three count at 12:37. **1/2 Actually not too bad of a match, considering it's SID for christ sakes. Wrestlecrap Rating: **** Barry Windham dresses up as Sting. Here are the problems: How did Windham know Sting was going to wear those colors (pink and black)? Does Sting like extra pairs incase someone taller than him wanted to wear it? Windham doesn't even LOOK like Sting, he's 6'6" while Sting is 6'1", and weighs a good 50 pounds more than him. Just stupid on so many levels.
- Mike Rotundo promo from the Clash of the Champions XIII. He has changed his name LEGALLY to Michael Wallstreet, and has a new manager...or something, named Alexandra York (a.k.a Terri Runnels). A vignette of them airs later in the tape, and we have a match coming up.
- Michael Wallstreet (w/ Alexandra York) vs. The Starblazer:
Starblazer is doing his best Raquel Welsh imitation here, running to the ring without swinging his arms. I guess this is a cheap Blue Blazer rip-off, except it's just some random jobber instead of Owen Hart. Also from the Clash XIII Special. Wallstreet is announced from Manhatten...which adds to the list of lazy hometowns. York is Rotundo's Administrative Assistant. Wallstreet is pretty much a Dibiase rip-off, and Rotundo still wrestles in his amatuer gear (represented by Orange and Blue, the colors of Syracuse). Wallstreet with a waistlock takedown. Lockup and Wallstreet with a firemans carry takedown. Wallstreet with a standing side headlock followed by a shoulderblock. Criss cross and Starblazer with an arm drag followed by a series of dropkicks. We get a WCW Fan Club schill, which I actually did join. My membership card is #00000005. I'm assuming the other four are Tony Schiavone, Jim Ross, Jim Herd and that other guy no one likes. Lockup and Starblazer with a wristlock into an armbar. Irish whip and Wallstreet sends Starblazer out. York's "Laptop" looks like a keyboard...and that's it. Wallstreet applies the ever popular abdominal stretch, and uses the ropes for leverage. Wallstreet tries a suplex, but Starblazer escapes with a roll up for two. Irish whip to the corner is reversed and Starblazer boots Wallstreet. Irish whip and 'Blazer with a back elbow followed by a scoop slam. Irish whip and Starblazer with a dropkick. Wallstreet catches him in a boston crab, but we get some reversals for two. Irish whip and Wallstreet does something odd. Wallstreet Crash (Fallaway Slam) ends it at 4:11. *3/4 Sloppy match, but overall, fine. Wrestlecrap Rating: * Only because it's a complete rip-off of Ted Dibiase.
- Pat O'Conner African Finals Tournament Match:
Kalua & The Botswana Beast vs. Sgt. Krueger & Col. Deklerk:
From the Clash XIII as well. The winners here represent Africa in the Pat O'Conner Tournament on Starrcade '90. Krueger (a.k.a Matt Borne) & Deklerk (a.k.a Ted Petty) are the white guys from South Africa, and their opponents are just from Africa. I have no idea which black guy is which. Krueger and Kalua start the match with a lockup. Bunch of nothing happens and Krueger slaps him. Kalua hammers away weakly and connects with a knee lift. Deklerk tags in and is built like a cruiserweight here. Kalua with an armbar, and Deklerk cartwheels into a roll up. Irish whip and Deklerk with a lionsault into a pin for two. Deklerk with a drop toe hold and Krueger with an elbow drop for no count. Crowd is absolutely dead here. The Beast from the...well, not East is in now. Shoves are traded and we get a diving clothesline by the Beast. Deklerk tags in again and offers a handshake. The Beast catches Deklerk with a powerslam and a shoulderblock in the corner. Deklerk misses a moonsault from the top rope and clothesline The Beast down. The Beast catches Dklerk with a powerslam for two. All heck breaks loose and Krueger dropkicks Deklerk onto the Beast for three at 4:50. DUD Horrrible match, with a bunch of blown spots. Wrestlecrap Rating: Uh...the idea here gets **, but niether pair were even regulars.
- "Total Package' Lex Luger vs. The Motorcity Madman:
AGAIN from Clash XIII. The Madman sucks really bad, and hasn't shown up anywhere else to my knowledge. Luger and the Big Cat (Mr. Hughes) brawl before the match. About one punch actually fakely connects. The Madman hammers Luger in the ring with punches. Irish whip and Luger comes off the ropes with a cross body press. Clothesline by Luger followed by a back elbow. Luger suplexes the Madman from the apron into the ring (in a Brainbuster way because the Madman sucks). Luger with a scoop slam followed by a jumping elbow drop that misses (of course). Luger blocks a piledriver attempt and connects with a clothesline for three at 2:32. 1/2* LEX LUGER actually had to carry this match. Wrestlecrap Rating: DUD I don't see the point of this...Madman was a shitty wrestler, but thats it.
- Sid Vicious vs. The Night Stalker:
Shit, this match is reffered to as "The Worst Match Ever". The Night Stalker has a giant toy executioners axe with him. Stalker "has" Ox Baker with him, but doesn't. The Stalker, by the way, is Bryan Clarke, a.k.a Adam Bomb and Wrath. Sid Vicious is from "Anywhere He Darn Well Chooses" and plays the face of the match. We get a test of strength to begin, and this is no Hogan/Warrior WM VI. Sid kicks away and we gt a poor excuse for a shoulderblock spot. Bearhug by Stalker (Jesus, rest-holds already?)...Sid fights free with shots that barelyt connect...we stall, and Night Stalker comes back. Big Cat comes out...again. Sid with a nice back suplex...and he takes out Big Cat. Stalker has his axe...and misses. Sid shoves Stalker with it and covers for three at 3:28. DUD It was bad, but pretty quick. Wrestlecrap Rating: DUD...Again, the point of this was...?
- Again from Clash XIII, and it's more of the Black Scorpion. We get a video package, which includes the promo from earlier in the tape. At Clash XII, Sting fought the Black Scorpion (Al Perez), but the REAL Black Scorpion came down the ramp after the match for a staredown. From Halloween Havoc, the Scorpion "scares" Sting by making himself and a fan (PLANT!) disappear. "Sting...Sting...!" Clips from a Sting vs. Bobby Eaton match, and the Scorpion does some rambling to confuse Sting.
Anyway, on the Clash, apparently, we are suppose to get a Sting/Black Scorpion confrontation on a special Danger Zone with Paul E. Dangerously. Shit happens, as the Black Scorpion performs more 4th grade magic, by stealing another fan (PLANT!) and...spins his head like a top. Then he throws him into a cage and turns him into a Jaguar. Then he goes to another stage and vanishes again. All throughout this, the Scorpion does a bunch of rambling, while Sting just stands there, thinking to himself "Why did I agree to this crap?" I still have more Scorpion, so the rating must wait.
- WCW World Heavyweight Championship; Title vs. Mask; Steel Cage Match:
Sting © vs. The Black Scorpion:
The Special Referee here is Dick The Bruiser, who looks like an over-weight Popeye. The angle somehow ends up sucking and blowing at the same time, as the Black Scorpion makes his entrance. Except...we get FOUR Scorpions, and then when thats done, a fucking SPACESHIP lowers from the ceiling, and the REAL Black Scorpion emerges from underneath, while cutting another promo. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Thankfully, the match is clipped to the end (I have the whole match from the actual show, it's good at least). Sting's first title reign really sucked when looking back. I guess my 4 months without any type of Alcohol is gonna be broken while watching the entrance (heads to fridge). Sting has neon green with black trim tights here for those who give a shit. Clipped to Scorpion trying to climb out of the cage despite not being an actual rule here. Scorpion knocks Sting off the top rope and Sting in return crotches him on the ropes...well, thats a give away. Scorpion rakes the eyes of Sting. Irish whip is reversed and Sting sends Scorpion into the cage. Irish whip and repeat. Scorpion SOMEOW bladed. Sting with a gorilla press slam sends Scorpion into the cage face first. Hip toss out of the corner followed by a diving clothesline. Sting goes up top with a cross body press for three at a clipped 2:10. After the match, the Scorpions from outside attack, and all are unmasked. Then arn Anderson & Barry Windham come out and chain the door shut to beat up Sting. A mess of faces come out to make the save, and Sting finally unmasks the Black Scorpion to be...Ric Flair. Oh, brother. Match Rating: N/A too clipped, but in full, it's about *** in my opinion. Wrestlecrap Rating: ***** I would break the star barrier if possible, but I can't. Just trully, the dumbest fucking thing I have EVER seen from this era by WCW. Ole Anderson was obviously fired hours after the show took place. The angle COULD'VE been good if they decided to not use a bunch of stupid shit like a 4th grade magic show, and dragging it out for 5 months. The fact they had to go with Ric Flair shows how desperate they were, since they couldn't get ANYONE with name value to play the Scorpion that had a real past with Sting. I could ramble on all day, but I'll stop now.
- Michael Wallstreet and Alexandra York vignette. We join in on a staff meeting between Wallstreet and a bunch of people who he treats like dogs. Rotundos acting here is so wooden he makes Michael Jordan from Space Jam look like Al friggin Pacino...except he's black. Wallstreet has a fool proof plan to winning...by calculating his opponents weaknesses and using that to his advantage. Wallstreet and York plot strategies while sharing some laughs in a most vile manor. Wrestlecrap Rating: *** The gimmick wasn't bad, but this vignette was horrible.
- The Danger Zone...with...the Minotaur. Who the hell is this guy? Anyway, he just screams and grunts on the camera while Paul E. Dangerously screams from off the cameras view. The guy seriously looks like he's having some kind of fit...(stabs eyes out). Wrestlecrap rating: ** Stupid crap...I don't even know who this guy is.
- Kevin Sullivan's Saloon! This is a stupid interview segment...and his guest is...El Gigante. The guy rambles like an idiot. Apparently he's 70 feet tall and from Argentina. El Gigante keeps saying he wants Ric Flairs belt. "I want da belt! I want da belt!" I guess thats the only english he knows. Sullivan gives El Gigante a basketball to palm, and damn he's got big hands. El Gigant apparently use to play (or was suppose to play) for the Atlanta Falcons before everyone realized he couldn't cut it, so Ted Turner slapped ring gear on him and threw him in a wrestling ring.
- Another live Danger Zone with Paul E. Dangerously from WrestleWar 1991. He comes to the ring dressed as a Matador...oh great, that's where Vince got the idea for Tito Santanas gimmick. Anyway, El Gigante is his special guest for the show. Apparently Dangerously works undercover for Imigration and is here to take El Gigante back to wherever he came from. Comedy happens and Gigante beats the crap out of Dangerously. Gigante takes the sombrero and wears it back to the locker-room.
- Tommy Rich vs. Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker (w/ Lt. James Earl Wright):
Joined in Progress and Rich has an armbar. Parker with shoulder thrusts in the corner and a whip across the ring. Rich with an arm drag and an armbar. Irish whip to the corner and Parker with a boot to the face. Elbow drop across the back of the neck and Parker with a shoulder breaker for two. Delay suplex by Parker gets another two count. Rich hammers away on Parker and mounts him in the corner. I guess thats how he got that world title reign back in 1981. Parker comes back again and hammers away. Irish whip to the corner and Rich with a boot to the face and bulldog headlock. Irish whip and Rich with a back drop. Rich knocks Wright off the apron. Irish whip and Rich with a Lou Thesz Press, but Wright comes in for the DQ at 2:35. * Afterwards, BIG JOSH (Matt Borne again) comes out to chase the State Patrol away, carrying an Axe-handle...without a blade. Apparently, Big Josh is from "The Woods" (adds to list) and made his wrestling debut with dancing bears during his entrance. Wrestlecrap Rating: *3/4 Big Josh wasn't too bad, but it's introduction was pretty crappy. Too bad it's not on here.
- Tony Schiavone introduces Theodore R. Long's newest protege...Johnny B. Badd. Jesus Christ...Marc Mero looks way too much like Little Richard here, and has the Tooty-Fruity level turned all the way the fuck up for this. Long says Badd is the only real man of professional wrestling. Johnny: I'm so pretty, I should've been born a little girl! Wrestlecrap Rating: ***1/4 Who thought having a good worker dress up like some over-the-hill rock n' roll guy and making him act as gay as humanly possible was a good idea?
- From Superbrawl (1). Time for another debut...oh fuck...some really impish looking man (Kevin Sullivan) in a bad looking mask, leads some woman, a SCARECROW, A TINMAN, and a LION to the entrance area, shouting Welcome to Oz, Welcome to Oz over and over again. This is like a 7848th rate version of the Wizard of Oz. I wonder how much this cost Ted Turner to make. Anyway, they finally meet with the great and powerful Oz (Kevin Nash) in front of the big gate of the Emerald City. Oz sends off the four people and goes to the ring for a wrestling match...God damn this is fucking stupid. Oh my God, the dude even has a fucking little monkey with him! Oz's theme sounds like another one bites the dust.
- The Great and Powerful Oz (w/ The Wizard) vs. Tim Parker:
I hope this is quick...because I'm really starting to lose my mind. Oz with a shoulderblock followed by a scoop slam. Oz with an airplane like slam from a Crucifix Bomb type position, and thats all she wrote for the win at 0:31. DUD Nothing match. Wrestlecrap Rating: **** Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. Dressing up Kevin Nash as a fucking movie character from 1939 is suppose to make him bad? I guess this didn't attract people to watch countless re-runs of the Wizard of Oz on the Super Station, since that was the sole purpose of the gimmick.
- Diamond Dallas Pages introduces his newest protege...the Diamond Studd, a.k.a Scott Hall and later known as Razor Ramon. I guess his gimmick is that he's a male stud-muffin or something and has two nasty looking chicks take off his pants, revealing his tights. DDP says "Good God" way too much in his promos from back in the day.
- Stretcher Match:
El Gigante vs. Sid Vicious:
Sid is on his way out to the WWF where became Sid Justice, and El Gigante is still sucking here. Again, we're from Superbrawl I, and this is NOT going to be pretty. Sid is still crazy over with the crowd. El Gigante apparently wears a size XXXXXL t-shirt. Vicious looks like a fucking kid compared to Gigante. Shoulderblock goes nowhere. Lockup and Gigante wins the shove-off. Vicious calls for a Test-of-Strength and kicks him in the sternum. Irish whip is reversed and Gigante with a big clothesline. Lockup to the corner and Sid kicks El Gigante in the legs. Sid with shoulder thrusts in the corner and runs into a big boot. El Gigante with the claw for three at 2:14... the fuck? Shouldn't a stretcher match end with someone on the strtecher? DUD Afterwards, the One Man Gang comes out and attacks Gigante. Gigante is able to fight off him and Sullivan at the same time. Sullivan throws powder in Gigantes eyes and they beat him up now. Only crap here is why are Gang & Sullivan wearing women's makeup?!
- From some other Clash of the Champions special...It's the debut of P.N. News, and he has Salt N' Pepa with him. Five words into his rap and I'm already skipping. Out comes Johnny B. Badd dressed up like Dracula it looks like and he does some dancing like a fruity pants. Just so horrible, but I'll rate P.N. News in his next appearence.
- P.N. News vs. Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker:
News is announced from "Mo-Town" (adds to list). The Rap-master? More like the Crap-master. You know the tape isn't main event quality until you have TWO Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker matches on it. Both men exchange blows to begi and News wins that match-up. Irish whip and News with a back body drop. Irish whip and News actually does a dropkick! A bad one, but still a dropkick. Irish whip and News with a belly-to-belly suplex. News goes to the top rope with a big splash for three at 0:55. 3/4* Ok, I'm going to admit...he looked like he tried out there. Wrestlecrap Rating: *** Yo baby, Yo baby Yo, he might've tried but his gimmick still did blow.
- Big Josh vs. Greg Sawyer:
Josh has some serious Hillbilly music going on. Lockup and we get a clean break from Josh. Wristlock by Josh and he works over the arm of Sawyer. Irish whip and Josh with a series of shoulderblock. Sawyer misses a dropkick and Josh kicks him. Scoop slam by Josh followed by a front facelock applied. Josh knocks Sawyer on his ass and connects with a whiff clothesline. Josh hammers away in the corner and applies a wristlock. Sawyer rakes the eyes and punches, but Josh comes back. Irish whip and Josh with a back elbow followed by a vertical splash for three at 2:23. 1/4* How does that hurt from a 250 lb person? I can understand when Earthquake did it, but Matt Borne?!
- Now it's time for The Desperados, none other than Dirty Dutch Mantell, Dead Eye Dick, and Black Bart. These vignettes all take place in a Western setting, and apparently, they are all hunting for the one, the only, the king among men, Stan Hansen, Mr. Slob himself. I guess that makes these three douches babyfaces. Dead Eye Dick acts like a retard. Dutch and Dick slap...hehe, dick slap, oh escuse me. They slap each other with their hats. More sissy slapping with the cowboy hats. Dead Eye Dick wanders into a Saloon to watch some cancan dancing. A bunch of people smash bottles across his head and he gets kicked out.
- One Man Gang (w/ Kevin Sullivan) vs. Ian Weston:
One Man Gang actually has an S&M Mask on and is lead to the ring by a chain around his neck. Gang screams a lot, and I mean A LOT and is wearing makeup again. Sullivan is too, and has his hair...in a weird style. Gang hammers away on Weston and chokes in the corner. Gang with some smothering in the corner and more pummeling. The commentator pretty much gives away the result of the GAB 1991 main event by calling Lex Luger the champ, even though Flair was still champion and still in the company. Dumbass, and I thought Ron Tonguard or whoever was a fucking dumb fucking shit. Gang with a scoop slam followed by the 747 Splash for three at 1:30. DUD Afterwards, Gang mounts him from behind...and Sullivan pulls him off...then lets Gang splash Weston again. Sullivan rechains the Gang.
- Black Blood (w/ Kevin Sullivan) vs. Johnny Meadows:
The run of horrible hometowns continues as Blood is announced from "A Little Town in France". Black Blood is Billy Jack Haynes dressed as an Executioner. Lockup and Blood with an irish whip and catches Meadows with a back breaker. Blood with a forearm to the back and connects with a release German suplex. This guy is HORRIBLE on Play-by-Play. Irish whip and Blood with a clothesline. Elbow drop to the back connects and he finishes it up with a...flip over and hangs him across the top rope. Scoop slam and Blood goes to the top rope and comes off with an elbow drop across the throat and does the Undertaker pin for three at 1:49. DUD Horrible. Sullivan rehoods him after the match. Wrestlecrap Rating: *1/2 Eh...another masked Executioner.
- More from the Desperados and they still can't find Stan Hansen. Black Bart rambles alot and shows off his hand speed to Dick...or Dirty Dutch. I'll compromise and say Dirty Dick...Jesus, all this wrestlecrap has made me lose my mind. Dead Eye Dick staggers around retardedly and makes retard faces. Black Bart tries teaching Dick to shoot. More beating each other up with their hats. Mantell & Bart sure do like hugging a lot. Somehow at the end, the Desperados actually lock themselves in Jail thanks to Dead Eye Dick. They somehow escape and are roasting beans out in the dessert. Wrestlecrap Rating: ****1/2 The fact this all went NOWHERE and the Desperados never even wrestled on T.V. shows how stupid it was. Stan Hanse, so diisgusted by the idea, left WCW, and never returned to my knowledge. The Desperados were all released I can assume since niether did anything in WCW afterwards.
- Chamber of Horrors Match:
Sting, El Gigante, Rick Steiner, Scott Steiner vs. Big Van Vader, Cactus Jack, The Diamond Studd, Abdullah The Butcher:
From Halloween Havoc 1991, and this has to be one of the dumbest ideas of all time for a wrestling match gimmick. The ring is surrounded by a giant cage that has a sort of roof built in. Inside the Chamber is an Electric Chair...I mean, a Chair of Torture. The only way to win is to put one of your opponents in it and throw the lethal leaver. Weapons inside the cage include shrunken heads. The VQ here is beyond horrible, much like the match, which has pretty much NO pace at all. I'll just make stupid comments throughout, pointing out how shitty this was. To quote RD Reynolds, The entrance of the Halloween Havoc set looks like something from the third grade production of "Legend of Sleepy Hollow". Speaking of Sleepy Hollow, I thought that was a damn good movie, although I'm sad they let Johnny Depp live. I still mark out for Vaders elephant mask that spews smoke. For some reason, Cactus Jack comes to the ring carrying a chainsaw thats not even moving, yet has the motor running...uh-huh. The only person to get his own theme music entrance is Sting, everyone else comes out to generic music, and don't even come out as a team. You have El Gigante enter, then Vader, Studd, Jack, then Steiners, then Butcher, then Sting. The most notable moment of the match is the Fatal Switch falling down and Cactus has to put it back in off position...while the camera just watches him do it. Rick Steiner eventually gets Abdullah in the chair, and Cactus throws the switch, thinking it's Steiner in it, ending the match at the 12:00 mark, and Abdullah sizzles like a cheap steak, even though the thing isn't on his head. N/A Afterwards, Abdullah no sells death (cough: HHH: cough) and beats up the EMTs, with their faces painted white. Wrestlecrap Rating: ***** Just...so...fucking...stupid! I think the entire match "Review" sums up my thoughts here.
- The Patriots vs. The Fabulous Freebirds:
No, there is no Del Wilkes anywhere in sight, it's Todd Champion (dressed like an Army man) and Firebreaker Chip (a Fireman), hailing from WCW Special Forces...ugh. The Freebirds are (of course) Michael P.S. Hayes and Jimmy "Jam" Garvin (not to be confused with the original team of Hayes, Gordy, and Roberts). At least Bad Street USA is a good theme song. The Freebirds are the current WCW United States Tag Team Champions here, but the titles aren't on the line. Garvin starts the match with Chip, who's an ugly fucker. Garvin attacks from behind and hammers away on Chip. Irish whip is reversed and Chip with an arm drag followed by dropkicks to both Freebirds. Hayes tags in and slaps Champion. Lockup and we pan some ugly fans. Champion with a scoop slam to both Freebirds and we get more stall-I say we get more stalling. Chip enters again with a standing side headlock. Blind tag and Hayes boots Chip in the mouth. Garvin dumps Chip over and out behind the referees back and Hayes works him over. Chip comes in with a sunset flip for two. Garvin with a clothesline and Hayes tags in for some stomp-I say for some stomping. Garvin snapmares Chip and knees him across the face, then applies a reverse chinlock. Hayes with a running bulldog attempt, but Chip throws him off. Both teams tag and Champion punches a lot. Irish whip to the corner and Champion with a back drop. Irish whip and a double elbow to Garvin. All heck breaks loose and Garvin with a double clothesline to the back of the heads, making me cheer. Champion comes back with a diving back elbow for three at 5:44?! DUD Another shitty match, and why did the Freebirds job here?! Wrestlecrap Rating: * Outside of dressing like rejects from the Village People and sucking in the ring, nothing too crappy for the gimmicks.
- Stupid fucking Vignette for Van Hammer, who is pretty much a Ultimate Warrior rip-off, except he sucked even worse. Apparently, Van Hammer is a guitarist, except he can't play the guitar to save his life. Short and sweet, ***1/2 because the guy was not only offensively bad in the ring, but the gimmick was stupid, and this vignette is the shit on the proverbial cake.
- Arachniman vs. Thomas Rich (w/ Alexandra York):
Arachnimans music sounds very familiar. Actually, it was used for a Ric Flair video package from Halloween Havoc 1994. He's also Brad Armstrong, back again, dressed like Spider-Man, from WEB CITY. He even has that silly string shit to shoot out. Arachniman wears Purple with Yellow webbing for those who care. This is the WCW Pro (show) debut of Arachniman. Lockup and Rich with a standing side headlock. Irish whip and Rich with a shoulderblock. Criss cross sequence and Arachniman with an arm drag followed by a series of dropkicks, sending Rich out of the ring. Arachniman slingshots Rich into the ring and takes him over with an arm drag into an armbar. Rich rakes the eyes and elbows the back of the head. Irish whip to the corner and Arachniman comes off the second rope with a sledge for two. Arm drag by Arachniman and he goes back to the armbar. Irish whip and Arachniman with a small package for two. Arm drag takeover by Arachniman and he goes back to the armbar. Rich with a cheap shot in the ropes, and a kick to the face followed by a clothesline. Rich drops a forearm across the face of Arachniman and connects with a hangmans neck breaker for two. Rich chokes Arachniman with a piece of his wrist tape. Irish whip and Arachniman comes off the ropes with a diving forearm. To the top rope and Arachniman with a flying forearm. Abdominal stretch by Arachniman and he turns it into a modified cradle (JR calls it a Laberence) for three at 5:24. ** Decent match, but a little on the boring side. Wrestlecrap Rating: *** Dressing up a worker like Brad Armstrong as the second coming of Spider-Man is a retarded idea...although I did like the gimmick.
- Bill Kazmaier vs. The Great and Powerful Oz:
Kazmaier is a dreaded "Worlds Strongest Man" and he actually CARRIES an inflatable globe on his shoulders. This is from the 1991 Halloween Havoc as well I think, but who cares? Oz has a fucking Sting haircut here (the flattop) and is going to be jobbed out (Thank God). Kazmaier with a standing side headlock and he wrenches it. Irish whip and a shoulder block barely budges Oz. Kazmaier with a clothesline followed by a scoop slam. Test-of-Strength and Oz obviously cheats to control. Kazmaier comes back from a slight beating and finishes Oz with the Torture Rack at 3:57. -* Crappy crap. Kazmaier wouldn't last long at least, and Kevin Nash sadly wrestled for another 12 years. Wrestlecrap Rating: 1/2* Just because its WORLDS STRONGEST MAN.
- "Heavy Metal" Van Hammer vs. Doug Somers:
Also from Halloween Havoc 1991, and thankfully, this isn't even complete. Van Hammer doesn't even play the guitar and just acts like a complete fucking goofball. Lockup and Hammer with a standing side headlock. Somers reverses and we already get a botched spot...and thankfully, the tape is over. Van Hammer won of course, I don't care how, when, or where.
Final Thoughts: FINALLY! I thought this would never come, my favorite part of this. You'll have to look at this tape from two different POVs. 1. Is it entertaining? If you love watching horrible gimmicks, then yes. 2. Is the wrestling any good? With the periodical good match, there's nothing but a bunch of crappy matches with a bunch of bad workers. If you get a kick out of watching wrestlers make asses out of themselves dressing up as movie characters, comic book characters, and idiotic cowboys, then this is the tape for you. However, this gets my strongest recommendation to avoid possible.