WCW Great American Bash 1999
- And to think, I said "no more terrible shows" after I suffered through Heroes of Wrestling. Since I'm bored, and I already lost whatever marbles I had to begin with, why not suffer more, through one of the biggest pile of dog shit shows ever produced by the big 2. Sure, Great American Bash '91 might look like the worst show ever, but I'm sure it was bad in a "entertaining" way. Great American Bash '99 just flat out sucks. As usual these days, I won't bother with detailed PBP. It's not like anyone would notice anyway, considering the lack of wrestling going on for most of the matches anyway.
- The three-man PBP team for the show is Tony Schiavone (during the days when he was a complete dick to everyone he worked with and called every Nitro the Greatest Night in the History of this Sport), Bobby Heenan (phoning it in), and Mike Tenay.
- Master P and his Gang of Losers show up, and Mr.... I mean Curt Hennig gets up in their grill. He gets an autograph from him, then punks him out. And people wonder why Curt Hennig is considered such a God among the Smark community. Even when his wrestling ability was down the toilet, he still brings smiles to our faces. They continue wasting time with the PPV with a last second hype video... after the PPV started. So who's going to order, the people that already ordered the PPV!?!? Jesus Christ, who produced this crap?
- Hak (w/ Chastity) vs. "Nasty" Brian Knobbs (w/ Jimmy Hart):
For personal comfort, I'll be refering to Hak by his much more recognizable name, The Sandman. I guess ECW owned the rights to the name or something, otherwise I can't explain the decision to call him HAK instead of the Sandman. And how the hell did Knobbs stay employed this late into the company's run? He was bad enough as a tag wrestler, but he's completely worthless without Sags. To kill my brain cells more, Knobbs cuts a pre-match promo. This is a Hardcore match, but there's no title yet. 2 Seconds into the match, and Schiavone declares "We've seen the first swerve of the night." So was Russo booking WCW secretly while working for WWF? Schiavone with another bone headed line "Hak with his first offensive move, which happend to be a defensive move." For no reason, Sandman brings a ladder into the match. Sandman and Knobbs trade blows with the usual weapons, including chairs, the ladder, garbage cans, and kendo sticks. Schiavone keeps talking like an idiot, literally rambling incoherently for about 25 seconds without a sentence break. Thankfully the match ends quickly, as Heel Miscommunication sees Knobbs rammed into a chair, and a kendo stick shot KO's Knobbs, giving "Hak" the win at 5:40. After the match, Hugh Morrus runs in to assist with a double teaming. You can't get any lower than being doubled teamed by Knobbs and Hugh fuckin' Morrus. The best spot of the match (the "No Laughing Matter" onto the ladder across Sandman) happens AFTER the match. Match sucked, but it was quick. (1/2*)
- Mikey Whipwreck vs. Van Hammer:
Dear God in Heaven! What the fuck happend in 1999 with these ECW guys coming over? And where the flying fuck did Van Hammer come from? I thought the guy vanished back in the early 90's when he failed to get over as a hybrid Ultimate Warrior/Punk Rocker. And what the fuck is THIS doing on a Pay-Per-View? Did Norman Smiley no show or something? And how many more sentences will begin with "and" in this review? Schiavone with MORE nonsense rambling, jumping from talking about how good this match can be, then talking about the size difference, all without a sentence break. I miss the old Mike Tenay. You know, the one that doesn't sound like he's jerking off for the entire duration of the show in a desperate attempt to fool fans that what they're watching is so much better than what it really is. Hammer controls with his sucky offense of choking, punching, and the occasional rest hold. Van Hammer pays tribute to Mike Rotundo, using the ropes for leverage during an abdominabable stretch. Whipwreck gets some token "Cruiserweight" offense before getting killed by a spinebuster and cobra clutch slam, giving Van Hammer the match at 8:36. The less said about this the better. (DUD)
- Buff Bagwell vs. Disco Inferno:
Disco Inferno kicked so much ass, and it puzzles me why TNA didn't use him under that name instead of as his own generic 'self. It would've made his matches and promos about 73 times more watchable. Oh look who he's wrestling, Buff Bagwell. This will certainly be better then the last two matches, unless Buff is feeling even more lazy than usual. Disco Fever! Yeah yeah yeah yeah! Disco Fever! Sorry, I'm trying to enjoy myself, won't happen again. I'm going to say this alot, but why is this match on PPV, and who decided to make Buff Bagwell a babyface? Skeeavone tries desperately to make sense of Buff's athletic ability, then quite rudely shoots Heenan down for :gasp: interrupting his nonsense ranting. Posing and dancing starts the match. Slow periods between the resting and punching from Buff the Stuff. Disco drops Bagwell throat-first across the top rope, to build heat for Buff, who was STILL recovering from the broken neck that should've been healed for months by this point. Disco doesn't do much of note until Buff makes the Superman Comeback... with punches. Buff heads to the top, but gets crotched. Disco with the Stunner outside of the ring, but Buff makes it back in the ring at the count of 9. What is this, Boxing? Buff fails at playing dead and we get more punching. Buff catches Disco out of the corner with a powerslam, and the Block Buster ends Disco's night at 10:32. This was just a boring mess of a match with maybe 2 actual wrestling moves and a shit load of stalling. (1/4*)
- Rey Mysterio Jr. & Konnan vs. Curt Hennig & Bobby Duncum Jr.:
This was during the awesome "Rap is Crap" stage of Hennig's career. Hopefully "K-Dong" is not a real nickname so I can give credit to Hennig for being awesome for mocking Konnan. To make my day, Master Piss comes out for no reason and sits in the crowd. I just noticed both guys on the heel side have passed on. "Ra-a-ap is Crap!" Rey Mysterio is maskless here for the downside of his career. K-Dong has some fruity red overalls on and Rey an even goofier hat. I fast forward K-Dong's intro rambling, but no doubt he told someone to peel something. And GOD DAMN, do I hate that "hooty-hoo" phrase. Hennig takes mores shots at Master P and rap just for the hell of it. "Ooh ooh, ah ah it sounds like you were in the mens room!" Rey uses his high-flying stuff to dominate until Duncum catches a springboard attempt and connects with a back breaker. Nothing terribly exciting happens with the heat segment done on Rey Jr, and that's basically the whole match. Hennig pulls down the straps, meaning he means business! But K-Dong runs in illegally to attack Duncum. Rey finally tags out to K-Dong, who does his usual shit offense. Konnan thrusts his crotch in Duncum's face while all heck breaks loose. Barry Windham runs out to attack K-Dong, but some big black guy KO's Duncum (after nearly fucking up his cue), and Mysterio covers at 10:44. After the match the Texans and Hennig work over Rey and Konnan for fun. Blech... the stuff was Hennig/Rey was decent (which is disappointing), but Duncum was pretty terrible, and K-Dong added nothing to the match. The shit finish bothered me too. I'll be generous though, since I'm a Hennig mark. (*1/2)
- "The Cat" Ernest Miller (w/ Sonny Onoo) vs. Scott Norton:
What the hell is this doing on a PPV? And how many times have I asked that so far? Miller is a Martial Arts Champion, and Onoo is your typical evil Japanese manager. In typical WCW fashion, Scott Norton isn't even here, so instead it's.... Ernest Miller vs. Horace Hogan: Ew... Horace is FUCKING TERRIBLE, for those with the advantage of never seeing this sack of crap in the ring. Horace's big joke on Miller: You couldn't beat your own 'self up, if you know what I mean. That was the most pathetic sexual innuendo I've ever heard. Choice sign in the crowd: Goldberg Fears Arroyo. EH? As bad of a match as you could expect from Miller and Horace. Stuff happens until Miller uses the Magic Slipper to knock out Hogan for the three count at 5:12. With some of the garbage still to come, this match isn't even worth the time to insult it. (DUD)
- "Rowdy" Roddy Piper vs. Ric Flair (w/ Arn Anderson & Asya):
This is for the title of President of WCW. Too bad neither man tries throwing the match once the ball starts, because then it would be too realistic. Both men are about 10 years past their primes each at this point. Flair has some freaky body-builder chick with him called "Asya." Draw your own conclussions to who she's supposed to be a xerox version of. In one of the worst visuals to imagine, we get a good look at Asya, looking more manly than Flair, who is standing right next to her for comparisons sake. Piper looks out of shape, but not WWF 2003-2005 levels of out of shape. Tony Schiavone does his best Count imitation, counting out all the chops, then finishing with "9! 9 chops!" Too bad he didn't do a funny laugh that caused a thunderclap, otherwise this would've been an awesome match. Instead it's 2 old men with sagging tits doing a poor comedy match and generally shitting all over the legacy they've created over the course of their careers. In between the usual comedy spots of eye pokes, butt bites, face flops, and other nonsense, Flair nails Piper with "Brass knuckles", but that only gets a two count. Buff runs in to prevent Anderson from cheating, giving Flair the match by DQ at 8:16. For some reason, Piper nails Bagwell, who hes been buddy-buddy with lately. They brawl until Anderson returns and plants Buff with an awesome Spinebuster.... and now Piper, Flair, and Arn work over Bagwell! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? I was going to give this match a DUD out of respect to both men at one point having talent, but this is ridiculous! The match is a bunch of sucky comedy spots, but then Piper turns heel and goes Super Nuts on Bagwell? All while FLAIR AND ANDERSON HELP!? (-*)
- Falls Count Anywhere Match:
Rick Steiner vs. Sting:
Talk about a demotion down the card. Sting is feuding with a guy who holds a title he hasn't held since around 1989. I'm sure no one in WCW at the time could even remember that anyway. Since this is WCW, I'm sure some people are confused, but right now Steiner is the heel and Sting is a face. 2 months later, both were heels, and 2 months after that, Sting was a face again. Both men phone it in to the point I have to hit Fast-Forward, and I generally never do that for a Sting match. After uninspired brawling and resting, the match heads backstage... and now the fun begins. Backstage, Tank Abbott attacked Sting for whatever reason, and Scott Steiner has three dogs (Dobermans and rottweilers?) "attack" "Sting." It's obviously NOT Sting though, considering the terrible wig the guy is wearing and they never show him from the front. The Steiners come to ring side and Rick is declared the winner at the 11:00 mark, then cut a terrible promo. To mock Sting's introduction (please forgive me), "This... Maaaaaaaaaaaaatch... Suuuuuuuuuuuucked!" (DUD)
- WCW Tag Team Championship Match:
Chris Benoit & Perry Saturn © vs. DDP & Kanyon (w/ Bam Bam Bigelow):
There's a strong possibility this match won't suck. The Jersey Boys were doing a Freebirds thing around this time, with the rotating tag partners gimmick. Thanks to Mike Tenay, I find out Benoit and Saturn won the titles on the Thunder before this PPV. I'm not even into this match, considering 3 of the 4 men in the match are fairly good workers. About 100 people in the crowd seem to be into it, and that's a surprise, since no one is going "balls out" to try and put on a great match they are capable of doing. Lots of chaos going on for the first few minutes, with constant wild brawls and interference from "Triple B." Benoit gets to play face-in-peril. He's probably a heel to spite me, since WCW was so fucked up around this time I'm running out of jokes to make. Saturn gets a mild tag after one of the least exciting "face avoids heel beating" segments and hammers away on everyone. That doesn't last long though, and now Saturn gets to play whooping boy. It's really obvious this match was not planned out before hand, because DDP is doing NOTHING but the most basic stuff. Benoit gets the real mild tag, since the crowd isn't even close to being into it anymore. Benoit dominates again, but Bam Bam inteferes while Malenko helps Saturn outside of the ring. DDP with an assisted Diamond Cutter on Benoit, and Kanyon covers for the three count and titles at 19:13. This was just flat out boring with the heels (and specifically DDP) all over the place in terms of psychology (or lack there-of). This would barely be considered good for a Thunder match. Sadly, it's the Match of the Night, and the rating you're about to see is quite generous, too. (**)
- WCW World Heavyweight Championship Match:
Kevin Nash © vs. "Macho Man" Randy Savage (w/ George, Medusa, Miss Madness):
Words cannot describe the awful, awful, AWFUL build up for this match... but I'll try. From the looks of things, it featured a lot of sewage, Nash being forced to wear makeup, Randy Savage in a puffy pink fur coat, a contortianist, and the evil Hummer of Doom that was never resolved (but rumored to be Hulk Hogan). The saddest part of all of this was that Vince Russo didn't book it. Wrap your mind around that one for a few minutes while I try and smash my head through the wall to my left. Apparently Savage's elbow drop was banned, but Kevin Nash wants it unbanned so he can no-sell--- I mean, survive the devistating effects from it. Yet another terrible match, with nothing of note worth mentioning. It's real sad to see Savage as a shell of his former 'self, considering how he could drag good matches out of corpses during his prime. Sure enugh, Savage nails the elbow drop that no one shalt kick outeth of, but Nash kicks out at two. Savage's chicks run in, and all get taken out by Nash, the big man who has to beat up on three women. Out of nowhere, Mr. Reliable (a.k.a Sid Vicious) runs in to boot Nash, and THAT finally draws the DQ at 7:26. Sid works over Nash more and plants him with the Powerbomb. Can't say I don't mark out for Sid, but this match sucked. What is this, the 2nd biggest PPV of the year or a throw-away episode of Nitro? (-*)
Final Thoughts: Let's see the tally. 1 match at ** or higher, 1 match at * or higher, 5 matches between DUD-1/2*, and 2 negative star matches. Wow, this actually beats out King of the Ring '95 for my personal Worst PPV Ever from the Big 2. Nothing but terrible matches, nonsense angles, and goofy shit finishes that makes no sense all night. Easily the Highest Recommendation to throw this piece of shit tape in the fire if you ever come across it. I can't believe I wasted $1 renting this trash.
That show is so awful, its hilarious. The best part is that I can't even pinpoint the lowest point of the show. Could it be the dobermans "attacking" Sting? Or is it the ugly Master P segment? Or might it be the painfully long Van Hammer/Whipwreck match? Or the stupid swerves in Flair/Piper? I don't know, but when Rick Steiner gets on the mic and declares that "WCW sucks" I think the audience agreed with him.