I'll leave it up to Rowe whether he wants to tack this up or not. Basically, if you've played a new game or unearthed an old one and you want to either recommend it or curb stomp it, go for it. I'll also field review requests for any games I've played.

Done and done.

Game I'm Playing Now: Tales of Phantasia

Graphics: For the time, the sprites are pretty detailed and the motion is pretty fluid. The dungeons are decently rendered, but the world maps look like something I might draw, and considering I've nearly failed art about 4 times, that's not saying much. The character design is interesting, as everyone looks fat and generic walking around, but their portraits are well rendered and the battle sprites move well. 7/10.

Sound: The music in this game is extremely catchy and at times very impressive. Really enjoy the "Abyss" track most of all. The sound effects are the usual thumps, slashes, and smacks, and they work very well. I definitely could've done without the voices, especially Mint's, because I spend most battles grinding the enamel off my teeth when she yells her dumbass war cry for the 5,000th time. But the music more than makes up for it. 7/10

Gameplay: I'd go so far as to call it revolutionary. The battle system plays out more like a fighting game, with combos and real time movement, and it really keeps you involved, especially in boss battles. If you're like me, you can just level up and bash the shit out of things, but it's still good clean fun. I do hate that you can't walk past your party, and it'll get you roasted more than once when you're trying to run for your life. The dungeon crawling is solid enough, with enough in the way of hidden stuff to keep you rooting around. Items are wicked expensive and gold is fairly scarce, but that's part of the appeal. The random battles happen frequently, but you can control that with a couple of items. You can set your comrades up to do what you want, even though you have no direct control over them, and with a couple exceptions they'll obey. Make sure to turn off certain elemental spells when you go into say, the fire dungeon, or they'll continously cure your enemies. Overall, the gameplay's good. 8/10

Story: The time travel angle was already played out by now (although Chrono Trigger did very well with it a couple years later) but if you're playing the emulator version, you get the story directly translated and it has classic lines like "she fucks like a tiger", so I can't complain. Standard save the world stuff that's still interesting to keep up with. 6/10

Controls/ Camera: Controls are fine, and the camera's a non-issue. 9/10

Difficulty: Pretty average. A couple bosses will stomp you a new asshole, but if you level up you should roll over everything with relative ease. Puzzle's are a non-issue. 4/10


Overall: Above average RPG that has moments of brilliance. Give it a try and you might find you end up liking it quite a bit. 7/10

I'll probably review MK: Shaolin Monks when I get in the mail next week. I haven't played a MK game since Deadly Alliance, and I'm always interested when a franchise tries something new... and thank God I didn't play that Sub-Zero game that came out in 1996-97.

I'm thinking of revisiting some classics like A Link to the Past and Chrono Trigger. Thoughts?

A Link to the Past = Most awesome game ever. Never played Chrono Trigger, so it'd be interesting to read about that.

Was A Link to the Past the subtitle of Zelda 2?

If so, it sucks. Respect Oringal Zelda yo! I was never feeling the sequels.

A Link to the Past was on the SNES. Zelda 2: Link's Awakening was the lame Side-Scroller you're thinking of.

Chrono Trigger

Graphics: Awesome. At the time, one of the best looking games I had ever seen, and they're still impressive for an SNES game. All the spirtes are well detailed and move well, with little touches like the wind ruffling scarves. Some of the bosses were even mildly 3-D, and all the spell effects and attacks look great. The characters are extremely well designed, and Lavos is still one of the coolest looking bosses ever. 10/10

Sound: Some of my favorite music ever. Even stuff that's typically not associated with being great, like the "walking on the world map music", sounds fantastic. The boss theme is also perfect, second only to Final Fantasy IV's. The sound effects are good and they ramp up considerably on big time attacks and critical hits. The scream of Lavos and the roars of bosses really add a lot to fights. Can't complain about a thing here. 10/10

Gameplay: Should be the best part of any game, and that's the case here. It's a very fast paced RPG, with three man parties, and you can learn duo and trio abilities that add a lot to strategy. You can see enemies before you run into them and try to avoid them, though a lot of times you can't get around them. No problem, though, because the battles are great, especially on Active mode, where you need quick reflexes. The dungeons are well designed and full of hidden treasure, and there's a ton of optional side quests if you want ultimate weapons. There's one in particular that I won't spoil about 3/4th of the way through the game that can determine the fate of one of your characters. There are also 10+ endings depending on how you play through the game, and a New Game+ option after the first time you beat the game that allows you to restart with levels, items, and equipment intact. I could go on, but suffice to say it's great. 10/10

Story: Time travel angle was played out by now, of course, but they still did a great job. The characters are well developed and memorable, especially Frog and Robo, and there are some really funny moments and some really touching ones. Having a mute main character is good in some ways and limiting in others, but it worked much better in this game than in the sequel, Chrono Cross. Because you can finish the story so many different ways, the story can change and is sometimes a little too jumbled. Still fantastic. 9/10

Controls/ Camera: Controls are excellent, and the camera's a non-issue. 10/10

Difficulty: A little above average on the first playthrough, with a couple of bosses who are genuinely frustrating and some stretches with tough enemies. On the second and above playthrough, it's obviously a lot easier. I strongly recommend keeping a character who can heal in your party at all times, because otherwise you'll have a hard time withstanding a few of the later boss fights. 6/10


Overall: As far as I'm concerned, one of the greatest games of all time. If you even remotely like RPGs or adventure games, give this one a shot. It's a classic. 10/10

A Link to the Past kicked some serious ass (and I'm enjoying The Minish Cap right now).

Those damnable green kinstones.

Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks


Graphics: Not the greatest graphics ever created, but all the main characters have a lot of detail put into them, and even the minor character enemies like the Tarkatans and Oni's all have distinct differences in appearence, attack styles, and overall movement. All the stages I've played through so far are well done, and give it a "nostalgic" feel for the old Mortal Kombat games. (9/10)


Sound: Not that good, but not bad either. At least not this early in the game. You can hear the flesh of enemies sliced and dismembering of body parts, but other than that and character fight screams, there's not much to it. (7/10)

Gameplay: Fucking awesome. If you're a fan of the old Contra and TMNT Arcade style games (I use that as an examples since they're my favorite of the style), you'll love this. You get to wander around the various stages of the game, beating the crap out of various enemies and bosses. A nice added touch is the environment dangers... you can knock enemies into traps and smash them through walls, or impale them on spikes (just like in the Pit in the original games), and various other forms of gruesome ass-kickings. There's also the awesome Fatalities and Brutalities to keep fans happy. (10/10)


Story: For those not familiar with the MK series, this takes place in between Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat II, and feels more like a sequel to the movie more than the video game. After defeated Shang Tsung to win MK, Tsung and his minions head back to Outworld (where Emperor Shao Khan rules) to plot taking over earth, and violating the rules of the Elder Gods. It's up to you (as Liu Kang or Kung Lao) to save earth and defeat Tsung, Goro, Kano, and others. The only problem with this is Kung Lao wasn't in the first MK, and they seem to play him up as a jealous guy, which doesn't fit his character at all. (9/10)


Controls/ Camera: Controls are fine, and the camera's a non-issue. (9/10)


Difficulty: No Rating right now. Avoiding dangerous obstacles and fighting the armed warriors of Tsung are difficult, but everything else right now is easy enough to breeze through with practice.


Overall: As of now, probably the most enjoyable MK game I've played in a long time, and the new style for the series makes it seem quite fresh, rather than a 13 year old franchise that's basically re-doing the first 2 games. (9/10)


Special Features: You can play the Arcade version of Mortal Kombat II after unlocking in through various tasks. There's also a lot of other unlockables, but this is the most notable.

I was considering at least renting it, and I think I will now. Nice review.

I can say the difficulty is well balanced after more playing. The Living Forest was a bit of a puzzle to manuever around, and the 2 boss fights (including Reptile) were hard as fuck without full energy. Moving on to the Soul Temple, and there's a lot of back tracking to open paths to the 2 bosses, with more dangerous obstacles and the enemies seemed to have gotten tougher (the Tarkatans and zombies mainly).

Legend of Zelda: Minish Cap

Graphics: Sharp, bright, and good, especially for a Gameboy Advance game. As far as I'm concerned, the best parts are when you're shrunken down, as weaving your way in and out of raindrops or up a bookshelf looks as good as it sounds. The sprites all animate well, though there's some pixelization on the bigger bosses. 8/10

Sound: About the usual for a Zelda game, which is good. A couple classic tracks, some new ones, and the usual sound effects for enemies, falling, etc. In short, it's all very good, but nothing spectacular. 8/10

Gameplay: Fantastic, as usual. The addition of being able to shrink yourself down is really the game's most important innovation, as it allows you to do a lot of clever things. There are so many sidequests in the game that they almost feel overwhelming at times, and you have so many people to trade kinstones with that it started to get on my nerves after a while. But that's all optional. The dungeons are of high quality, have a lot of puzzles that you actually have to take a minute and think about, and the enemies and bosses are tough and varied. 8/10

Story: Oh shit! Zelda's in trouble again! Pick up your sword and your little green suit and fight the forces of evil! ....The usual. Dialogue's really fun, though. 7/10

Controls/ Camera: Perfect, as always. 10/10

Difficulty: The bosses and puzzles will make you think, but you're very rarely in danger of dying from them unless you absolutely have no idea what to do. 4/10

Overall: Another terrific entry into the Zelda series, with a lot of the same ol' great stuff and a little bit of new. Worth playing. 8/10

Another great Zelda game. When was the last time there was a bad one? :P

The Phillips cd-i ones, I believe. Which we will never speak of again.

Mever heard of them, so I couldn't speak about them if I tried.

Good. You've been spared.

I have had the unfortunate "pleasure" of playing Episode 1: The Phantom Menace on PS1. Oh my GOD, the blocky graphics, shitty controls, and awful voice overs... AHHH!

Review that sucker!

Fine, but I'll probably try to swallow a bottle of pills by the time I'm done.

Hey, you reviewed Heroes of Wrestling. I think you can manage this.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (PS1)


Graphics: In a word, shitty. Characters are blocky, there's hardly any color other than vomit green, diarrhea brown, and black, and the backgrounds constantly glitch, and when they aren't, you can't tell anyway, since nothing is detailed enough to stand out. The only good visual scene is on Tatooine, mainly since it's a desert, and it's impossible to screw that up. (3/10)


Sound: AH! The dialogue! So... bad... and... wooden! There's no background music, so you get to hear lovely foot steps for about 20 hours, and the occasional sound when you whip out a lightsaber. Did I mention the voices are terrible? Well, they are. And the only people to do voices that were from the movie were the snot nosed brat that made Anakin look like an annoying fag, and Jar Jar Binks. I'm knocking points off for them, just for sucking. (1.5/10)


Gamplay: Again, ugh. 90% of the game is walking around, deflecting lazer blasts, and walking around more trying to solve puzzles that a 3 year old can figure out. Even the ability to use the force sucks, since all you can do is weakly push back things in your path every 5 minutes. You think it's good that you're allowed to play as Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Captain Panaka, and Queen Amidala, but both Jedi's and both blaster characters all play the same. (3/10)


Story: Stuff happens. After you rescue Queen Amidala, the game breaks completely away from the movie. Suddenly you're hitting on Twi'lek hookers to get access to Jabba, you need to borrow money from Jabba to bet on the Pod Race, you don't find Anakin working at Watto's shop, but rather you need to explore the Slave Quarters on Tatooine, and when you get to Corucant, you have to fight off a bunch of evil guys, despite nothing exciting ever happens there. I can go on and on. I guess they felt it would be boring to do 50 minutes of Republic Chit-Chat instead of killing robots. (2/10)


Controls/Camera: Terrible. There's a lot of weird angle jumps to make, and often the camera angle doesn't even show where you're jumping to, or you'll mistime it because the camera changes mid-jump. Using weapons in an offensive manuever is pointless, since it takes about 5 seconds for button response. (0/10)


Difficulty: Depends. If you can make sense of the crappy graphics and can find your way through levels, it's easy as hell. The later levels are actually easier than the first ones, which are supposed to be used as "baby-step" levels. (2/10)


Final Thoughts: It stinks! (2/10)

Ouch, painful. You'd be better off playing Lego Star Wars, which is actually good.

I know... I'll review that tomorrow. :)

Sweet. I think I'll probably end up reviewing Vagrant Story.

And speaking of Lego Star Wars, the sequel (a.k.a Original Trilogy) version comes out this Fall, and since the Original Trilogy is about 67 times better than the Prequels, I have higher expectations.


And maybe I'll do a bundle review of old NES games later. :P

Same here. Here's to poppin' caps in Ewoks.

That's what Star Wars: Battlefront was for... and god damn, was it awesome. TAKE THAT YOU FUCKIN MUPPETS!

I might review Snatcher eventually.

WCW MAYHEM! (N64) (Note: Why does WCW call everything Mayhem!?)


Graphics: I can easily say these are the best looking 3-D model characters ever... after they've been smashed into mush by a sledgehammer, then copied by a $2 xerox machine. Way too blocky, everyone looks like they have a stick up their ass, Rey Mysterio is the same size as Kevin Nash... I can go on and on about how bad the wrestlers look, but the crowds are even worse, and the arenas are as bland as you can get. (1/10)


Sound: In the only marked improvement over the much more superior World Tour and Revenge games for N64, Mayhem now has a SELECT amount of theme music, including the following: Goldberg, DDP, Buff Bagwell, Randy Savage, Sting, the nWo, the Wolfpac, the Horsemen, and generic Cruiserweight theme. However, after that, there's nothing left to compliment. The basic grunts and groans of a wrestling game are here, but sound like they're coming out of the toilet bowl. I'll be generous for a bit. (5/10)


Roster Depth: (10/10)
WCW: Goldberg, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, Randy Savage, Booker T, Rick Steiner, Bret Hart, Buff Bagwell, Konnan, Ernest Miller, Curt Hennig, Barry Windham, Bobby Duncam Jr., Kenny Kaos, Norman Smiley, Wrath, Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker, Bobby Eaton, Bobby Blaze

nWo B&W: Horace Hogan, Scott Norton, Stevie Ray, Eric Bischoff

nWo Wolfpac: Hollywood Hogan, Scott Steiner, Kevin Nash, Lex Luger, Scott Hall, Disco Inferno, Wolfpac Sting

Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, Steve McMichael

Cruiserweight: Rey Mysterio Jr., Kidman, Eddy Guerrero, Juventud Guerrera, Chris Jericho, Psychosis, Chavo Guerrero Jr., La Parka, Alex Wright, Kaz Hayashi, Lash LeRoux, Lizmark Jr., Prince Iaukea

Hardcore: Raven, Saturn, Bam Bam Bigelow, Kanyon, "Mean" Gene Okerlund, Sonny Onoo, Doug Dillinger, Jimmy Hart


Gameplay: And the roster depth comes OUT of the picture, because every fucking wrestler is the exact same, minus 3-4 signature moves. Just think of it as the N64 version of Thunder, and if you've never played that before, thank your lucky stars. That piece of shit questioned my sanity to the point I used it as a frisbee to throw it as far away as possible. Worst $5 I've ever spent... except for this piece of crap! Now, outside of the basic "exhibition" matches, you can go for a "Quest for the Gold" or unlock "PPV's" which happens to be whatever matches you can repeat from various WCW PPV's in 1999-2000. Not very deep at all, but that's always been a problem with WCW games. Lack of replay value. (2/10)


Story: It's a wrestling game. You want to be the champion... of the world. Lllllllllllet's get ready to stumble! Uh, after that there's nothing left to say, so I'll just ignore a rating for this, since almost all wrestling games don't really have a story, and those that do (WWF Betratal) sucked too much to even touch. (NR)


Controls/Camera: Terrible. Button response gives you time to peel one off between moves, and the camera jumps from the regular "pan the whole ring" to close-ups that show terrible graphics with disappearing body parts. Whoever made this game must've been high on crack or some other mind altering substance. Drugs are bad, m-kay. (1/10)


Difficulty: You can just keep pressing the same button and hit the same move for 10 minutes to win, just like I did as Bobby Eaton (MIDNIGHTS! WOO!) against Big Lazy. Again, everyone wrestles the same, so there's no strategy in beating different opponents. Mash buttons, try and make the cover (another terrible control problem) and go to the next match. (1/10)


Final Thoughts: Comparing this to the previous N64 release, Revenge, would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure. Now horse manure has it's uses in the world, but you wouldn't want a big steaming bowl of it for desert. I only paid $4 for this game a few months ago from Amazon, and it felt like the biggest waste of money since Thunder. I could've bought a Value Meal at Burger King with that money or something. (Overall Score: 2/10)

Are you officially just reviewing bad games now?

*mails Scrooge a bunch of Mario Kart ripoffs

Give me a free crappy game and I'll do a 40 page review on it. :P

And I'm just reviewing what I pop into the machines. Right now I have Paper Mario in my N64. :)

Wonder Boy III: The Dragon's Trap (Sega Master System)


Graphics: Being a game released in 1988, you don't expect much. Most of the backgrounds are your basic towns, ocean floors, and dungeons, but nothing is out right bad, and every character is uniquely designed and there's plenty of villains, including the many Dragon Bosses, including a Pirate Dragon, Zombie Dragon, and Vampire Dragon. (10/10)


Sound: Your basic 8-bit sound effects for jumping, attacks, and being hit by enemies, so no need to go deep into that. Level music is great though. You have cheerful music in the peaceful town, the island level has a tropical flavor to it, and dungeons have a deep theme that makes you want to kill some back. Overall, great for the time. (10/10)


Gameplay: This game plays like Legend of Zelda, except you can't move up and down across the screen. You have to back track a lot once you morph into new characters*, which range from flying up to the heavens or swimming into a sunken ship beneath the ocean. As I mentioned, you morph into characters under the Dragon's curse. You starr as "Hu-Man" (I'm not kidding), then cycle through Lizard Man, Mouse Man, Lion Man, Pirahna Man, and Hawk Man en route to fighting the Dragon Vampire in the Castle in the Sky. All characters have unique abilities needed to advance through certain stages. (10/10)


Story: The game starts at the end of Wonder Boy II. You're about to beat the Mekka-Dragon, but as he's defeated, a curse is put upon you that turns you from Hu-Man into Lizard Man. You musty break the curse by defeating the Dragon's that have invaded your world, and it'll take all the powers of your mutated 'self to stop them. A bit cornball, but it works. (9/10)


Controls: Nothing wrong with controls, but jumping forward takes a tiny bit of time to get a hang of, mainly because of the blocky controller, and not the game itself. Since it works 90% of the time as a side scroller, there's no camera issues. (9/10)


Difficulty: A nice blend. It starts off somewhat easy for Lizard Man, but by the time you get to Lion-Man, the enemies became a lot tougher, and the bosses are harder to get to. However, by the time you get to the end, you'll be so comfortable with your characters that morphing back and forth (which is necessary for the level) won't bother you at all, and will basically be a breeze to get through. (9/10)


Final Thoughts: Easily one of (if not the) best games on the SMS. The story is simple, the graphics stand out and aren't second-rate thrown together crap, each level has it's own unique sound, and there's a challenge to it. (10/10)

The Legend of Zelda NES

Graphics: I go back to these graphics now and get so much nostalgia going I break into sloppy tears. Not really. But they were of course cutting edge for the time, and they've aged as gracefully as they possibly could. Every enemy is distinctive and well detailed, and Link is the best hero ever to walk around on stumpy legs. (10/10)

Sound: Man, the music is a trip. The opening theme is still a masterpiece, and all the other music is repetitive in an extremely relaxing way. Love the sound effects, too, especially the slurping noise when you kill someone. Great stuff. This was the gold standard for all Zelda music, so of course it's getting a (10/10)

Gameplay: If I need to tell you how good this game plays, you better buy a copy and play before I fucking kill you. Really the prototype of every high quality adventure game after it, and as such it is simple but incredibly fun. (10/10)

Story: Uh...story? Save Zelda! Typical NES storyline with very little going on, though the dialogue (Dodongo HATES smoke!) still kills me to this day. (8/10)

Controls/ Camera: Spotless. (10/10)

Difficulty: Not a terribly difficult game, but Wizzrobes and some of the bosses can be a real pain in the ass. A lot of the difficulty comes from trying to figure out where the hell you're going next, and for first time players or those of us who have Alzheimer's, that keeps you occupied. Play through the remixed second quest for a much greater challenge. (6/10 on the first playthrough, 8/10 on the second)

Overall: The first Zelda game and inarguably one of the greatest games of all time. It pales only slightly in comparison to later entires and exceeds them all at times with how nicely it draws you in. (10/10)

RBI Baseball NES

Graphics: Not revolutionary. All the players are enormous, faceless white guys (which is pretty accurate), and the ballpark is dead simple. There's a certain charm in them, of course, but I have to knock it down a few points for having nothing going on. (7/10)

Sound: The music will get stuck inside your head and drive you batshit insane. Somehow it's not really annoying, even though there's only one theme for the bases are empty and another for HOLY SHIT YOU'RE SCREWED! The sound effects are absolutely classic on this one, from the farting noise the game makes when you make an out to the hammer on a piece of metal when you make an error. But really, you'll hum the music for days. (8/10)

Gameplay: At the risk of drawing a lot of fire, this is one of the best baseball games ever in terms of gameplay, if not THE best. The simple mechanics of throwing a pitch, controlling where it goes, and controlling the speed paired with the swing like a madman controls for the batter works seamlessly. I never, ever get tired of playing this game. (10/10)

Story: Once there was a squad of loveable losers who called themselves the Red Sox. With future Hall of Famer Bill Buckner at first base, surely they could not lose....OR COULD THEY? (N/A)

Controls/ Camera: Inexplicably prone to brain farts. Sometimes you try to throw to first and watch helplessly as your shortstop hurls the ball into the outfield. Even better is when the damn baserunner just won't turn around. Other than that, it's all good. (8/10)

Difficulty: Not very hard at all. The computer's a relative pushover unless they catch fire...and then you're fucked. (3/10)

Overall: One of the finest baseball games of all time. Easy to pick up and play, rosters of classic players, and loveably fat baseball players. Can't go wrong with this one. (8/10)

I still say to this day the opening theme to Zelda is the most catchy from a video game ever. I'll just randomly bust out whistling it, and people always identify it correctly.

It definitely is. It's followed closely by the Mario theme, any Megaman music, and the RBI theme for me.

Can't argue the majority of that list, but I'll have to DQ RBI Baseball since I don't remember it. I don't think I'd want to compare anything to the levels of the other 3, though. It's a tough act to follow.