WWE Monday Night Raw - April 10th, 2006


- As usual, I must point out how much WWE needs to change the Raw theme. It's been over 4 years, and in that time, Smackdown has had 4 new ones. SPECIAL PROMO TIME! Edge talks, Cena talks, Triple H talks, everyone talks. This is used primarily to set up the Three-Way (maybe I should've phrased that better) for the World Title. Sorry to break one of my "review" rules, but I'm not wasting my times on these three blah-blah-blah'ing, especially when it goes on for nearly 20-minutes. Cena, the brave bitch, bitch slaps Trips then runs like a girl. What a role model...


- Rob Van Dam vs. Rob Conway:
This has promise, as long as RVD doesn't miss everything. WWE Unlimited (or whatever) shows us Triple H nailing Conway for being an arrogant prick... again, I really should've phrased that better. Conway no longer wears those god awful see-through tights and ditched the gay village people cap, but now looks like a fruity jobber instead. I should also note how incredibly lame "Mr. Monday in the Bank" is for a nickname. That's WWE (Un)creative for you. Before the match, Shelton Benjamin (the IC Champ) comes to ringside and joins the broadcast table. Where's Momma Benjamin? Conway attacks from behind and pounds away in the corner. Irish whip, and Conway puts RVD down with a charging elbow, Benoit style. RVD connects (kinda) with a spinning heel kick, and the action spills outside of the ring. RVD suplexes Conway across the security wall and comes off the apron with a spinning heel kick across the back. Back into the ring, and RVD comes off the top with a missile dropkick. RVD with a rolling thunder while Benjamin challenges RVD for the MITB Briefcase at Backlash. While I type that out, RVD nails the 5-Star Frog Splash for the three count at 1:40. Damn that was short. I've seen squash matches from Wrestling Challenge in 1992 that were longer than that. (1/4*)


- Backstage, Maria the WWE Idiot interviews Tri---, wait, that's Mickie James. I told you she was hot dressed like Trish! I'm betting this sets up a match, since I fast forward through this, but caught a glimps of a match later in the show.


- And KOMING UP NEXT! A SEE NO EVIL PREVIEW, STARRING KANE! YES! YES! YES! Fuck Chokeslam Mountain, this is going to be the Best Movie of the Year! Who the fuck is this dork? And in comes Kane! KANE! KANE! Apparently Kane disappeared before he can be interviewed. I WANT KANE! KANE! KAAAAAAAANE~!... Oh wait, here he is, wandering around backstage. He's hearing voices in his mind. What's happening again? What's happening on May 19th? WHAT!? For the love of GOD, not again.


- WWE World Tag Team Titles:
The Faggot Squad © vs. Kane & Big Show:
Dig that no heat these clowns get. What a fucking pathetic decision that was. What happend, were Val Venis and Viscera too busy to give the belts LESS credibility? Or how about Gene Snitsky & Goldust? That's a promising team to kill the titles even more. Since I have no clue which of the vanilla queer midgets are, I'll probably fuck up who's who at least once, Honestly, there's NO WAY these 5 suckbags could logically beat Big Show and Kane, the same guys who have squashed 7-8 men by themselves at once, and people much bigger. Show throws Johnny(?) into the corner and nails him close to the danger zone a few times. Show follows up by stepping on his face and a press slam. Choking and the Big Slap in the corner, as Show continues the slaughter. Kane tags in to get him some. Nicky(?) tags in, and fails at a single leg takedown. Kane blocks a boot, throws him on his face, and nails him withn a clothesline. Johnny prevents a slam and hammers wiuth rights. Irish whip to the corner is reversed, but Kane runs into an elbow. Kane catches Johnny coming off the top, and Nicky dropkicks Johnny on top of Kane for a two count. Kane takes Johnny down with a back suplex, and here's Show again. Show stands on... whatever is name is in the corner. Kane and Show continue the squash. Show throws Nicky over the top onto the rest of the Butt-Pluggers as we go to a commercial.

We come back with Kane being thrown off the top rope illegally and Johnny connects with a front spinning heel kick. Nothing but punching and kicking for the next 600 years. Johnny grapevines the leg (the first wrestling move of the night by the Shitty Squad), but Kane fights free with a boot to the face. The Sucky Squad continues working the leg over, though. After a shit load of nothing, Kane no-sells a double suplex, and cleans house of the legal queers outside of the ring. Kane SNAPS~!, throwing chairs into the ring as the bell rings at 13:25. Kane with a chokeslam to Johnny, and another to Nicky. Here comes the pain! Kane with a chokeslam on the referee for getting in his face. Show tries calming Kane down, and now Kane wants some of Show! Kane and Show fight over a Chokeslam (oh God, not this again), and Kane cheats to win and perform the worst chokeslam this side of Undertaker/Hogan. Oh, and this match FUCKING SUCKED. (-**)


- The McMahons show up in Church, and oh my God, please don't tell me their going to "search for Shawn's partner." Shane stops Vince from washing his hands in the Holy Water. Vince takes a sip and does a poor Triple H impersonation. Is Vince that desperate for material, he needs to do shit like this? Do a 10-minute nonsense segment in church to hype a match against GOD? I hit fast forward again, and I'm not looking back.


- Umaga (w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada) vs. Token Jobber:
AAE debuted last week in a verbal confrontation with Ric Flair, and brought out his protege Umaga, formerly Jamal of Three Minute Warning. Umaga with a downward spirl to start, followed by a running ass-avalanch in the corner. Umaga drags the guy into the center of the ring, and comes off the middle rope with a headbutt. Oh no... the THUMB IS TAPED!!!! THE VULCAN NECK PINCH OF DOOM! Yes, that was actually the finish at 1:09. The crowd rightfully boos that finish for sucking. What is this, Sunday Night Heat or something? (DUD)


- Smackdown! Rewind: Oh my God, it's Undertaker vs. Mark Henry. Late in the match, Daivari leads some giant loser (Dalip Singh?) to the ring to bring haunting memories of the Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez feud from 1993. I'm sure the talent level of both opponents is about on par, too. I hope to God he wrestles on TV soon, just for the suck factor.


- Carlito and Masters talk for a while setting up the Masterlock Challenge... and Carlito, out-smarting Masters yet again, cleans Masters clock with a steel chair. I guess it shouldn't take much to out-smart him, though. Masters took it like a MAN, too, not like some pussy Triple H or Shawn Michaels completely blocking it with their hand.


- Highlights last week of Chavo Guerrero taking on Shelton Benjamin for the Intercontinental Title. Benjamin won of course, which made Chavo doubt himself, and apparently want to quit wrestling because he let "Eddie" down.


- WWE Womens Championship Match:
Mickie James © vs. Maria Noideawhatherlastnameis:
I'll say it again: Mickie looks really hot dressed like Trish, on top of being hot period. This match, no doubt, will suck more ass than a Spirit Squad circle jerk. Lockup, and Mickie with a knee to the midsection, followed by kicks to the leg. Irish whip, and Maria with a funny roll up for a two count. Usually that looks cool, but in slow motion it looks really bush league. James chokes and kicks Maria down, and follows with a scoop slam. James misses an elbow drop from the middle rope, though. Mickie blocks a clothesline (also in slow motion) and counters with a modified back breaker. Lots of nothing going on. Maria fucks up an Oklahoma roll now. Mickie with a spinning kick to the midsection, followed by the Mick Kick for the three count at 2:28. Out comes.... Trish Stratus dressed like Mickie James?! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK!? LESBIAN KISS! How sad is it that the best booked angle is for the WOMENS TITLE? And that I actually give a rats ass about it?! Oh, and this match also sucked. (-1/2*)


- Triple H & John Cena vs. Edge (w/ Lita):
Thank God this show is over soon. Pretty much the same match as last week, except Edge is now playing the role of John Cena, John Cena is Edge, and Triple H is Himself, except Trips gets more involvement. Lame finish with Trips nailing the pedigree on Edge, then Cena nailing HHH with the F-U. Cena with the worst submission move since the tongan death grip to make Edge tap at 7:56. Now exactly WHY does he apply that move despite not once working over the leg in the match? That makes about as much sense as Vince McMahon booking God in a match.


Final Thoughts: Raw sucked again. I'm interested in the newest Kane push, but his track record of tasteful angles during pushes hasn't been the greatest. The Trish/James angle continues to keep me entertained. Everything else was lame or total shit. Three matches lasting 2 minutes or less, UMAGA~!, and Maria stinking up the ring.

Oh, c'mon, I actually enjoyed the opening interview for once. It was fun watching the crowd give mixed (but loud) reactions to all three men in the main event. That, and I actually dug Cena' reference to how all the smarks want him to go back to how he was during his (awesome) 2003 heel run.

Honestly, I thought it was a waste. The interview accomplished NOTHING for any of them. It once again managed to put Triple H over everyone in the ring and did NOTHING for Cena or Edge. I'm also guessing that they'll complete the triangle of doom next week and do another handicap match with Edge/Cena vs. Trips. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOerns.

I'll have you know that token jobber was one of my favourite wrestlers today...Colt Cabana.

He looked like your random generic OVW guy.

Try listening to a Colt Cabana promo or watch a match where he isn't just squashed and that perception will change very very quickly.

No it won't. I have a personal vendetta against anyone that's ever worked for ROH. Or that's what some people want to believe. ;)

Even Jay Lethal? :(

Sweet. Is that anything like my personal vendetta against hosses who could never work?

It was a joke!

And yes.