- Yes, another hype show for a WrestleMania. Blah blah blah, WrestleMania the next week, big matches on the show, zip-zip-zip. I reviewed this show a long time ago, but it sure as shit wasn't good, so here's a new and hopefully improved version. Vince McMahon and Bobby Heenan (WOO!) provide commentary for all matches, except for the "Flashback" stuff. Just a quick note, that this tape is missing the very special interview with the Mega-Maniacs.
- This week on Wrestling Challenge: The Contract Signing between Bret Hart and Yokozuna. If you don't know what to expect from a contract signing, you have no right to call yourself a wrestling fan. Yokozuna naturally attacks Hart, and laid him out with the Banzai Drop... but the Hitman has heart (No pun intended), and got up for some more. Sure, it took him about a decade, but he got up!
- "Macho Man" Randy Savage vs. Yokozuna (w/ Mr. Fuji):
Woah, talk about giving away a main event caliber match just to hype up WrestleMania IX. Those with too much time on their hands may remember these two were the last man in the ring for the Royal Rumble Match, and Savage stupidly tried PINNING Yokozuna. I guess he forgot pinfalls don't count in a Royal Rumble Match (or battle royals, period). Heenan tries accusing Bret Hart of paying Savage off to hurt Yokozuna. The bell rings, and Yokozuna takes his sweet (fat) ass time getting ready. Savage uses the speed of the Madness to avoid Yokozuna, but a lockup isn't going in his favor. Savage with a standing side headlock, but a shoulder block doesn't work, either. Yokozuna pounds away on Savage, then dumps him over the top rope. Yokozuna follows out to keep up the punishment. Back into the ring, and Yokozuna continues the chopping. Savage fights back wth a series of jabs and roundhouse rights, but Yokozuna puts him down with a shot to the throat. Yokozuna with a scoop slam, followed by the scariest leg drop in wrestling history. Yokozuna with choking in the corner. The reverse avalanch misses, and Savage comes off the top rope with a double axehandle. Savage goes up top once again, but Fuji nails him with the flag pole, knocking Savage off. Yokozuna with a belly-to-belly suplex, and it's over at 6:36. Damn that's surprising to see Savage job so quickly and getting so little offense. Afterwards, Yokozuna tries doing more damage, but Savage fights him off. HURRAY FOR THE MATCH-O MAN! I hate giving Savage bad ratings (back when he actually tried having good matches), but this nothing more than an extended squash... and not in Savage's favor. (3/4*)
- Highlights from the 1993 Royal Rumble. Bobby Heenan, after weeks of hype, unvails his newest find... The Narcissus, Lex Luger! Obviously, the character of "Narcissus" (the original spelling before he became "Narcissist"), was that of a person in love with himself. Judging by the reports of how Lex Luger was backstage, that wasn't much of a stretch. We follow with highlights of Lex Luger KO'ing random jobbers and Jim Powers with his forearm. Obviously this was before we found out it was loaded with steel plates.
- Mr. Perfect vs. Skinner:
Speaking of Lex Luger, it's time for his WrestleMania opponent (Mr. Perfect) to get in some warm-up matches. Too bad Monsoon isn't doing commentary, taking away our chance to hear him call Skinner a "filthy pig" nearly a year since Skinner stopped chewing tobacco and bringing his spitoon to ringside. Heenan takes credit for teaching Perfect the "toss towel behind back and catch it" spot. Skinner attacks from behind with a unch to the ass and a rake of the eyes. Skinner makes Perfect eat buckle and tosses him over the top rope. Skinner with some biting, and now Perfect eats steel. McMahon accuses Heenan and/or Luger of paying off Skinner to take out Perfect. Perfect comes back by ramming Skinner into the steps, then whipping him into the ring post. Back into the ring, and Skinner clotheslines Perfect with his belt. WHOOPIN' TIME! Why isn't the referee DQ'ing Skinner for whipping Perfect with his belt? Irish whip, and Skinner puts Perfect down with a back elbow. More biting from Skinner, and rights across the forhead. Skinner boots Perfect down and chokes some more. Perfect with rights to the midsection, but Skinner rakes the eyes to break his momentum. Irish whip across the ring, and Skinner misses... something, crotching himself on the middle turnbuckle. Ew, imagine SKINNER giving someone a bronco buster! Perfect with an atomic drop, followed by chops in the corner. Irish whip across the ring, and Perfect mounts him for some more punches. Perfect with a running knee lift, followed by the float-over neck snap. Perfect pounds away some more and clubs him across the chest. (Heenan: Come on Skinner, you want your money? Get Up.. No wait, I mean the Winner's share!) In the meantime, Skinner bops Perfect with his Gator-Claw thing. Irish whip, and Perfect surprises Skinner with the Perfect-Plex, and that's good enough for the three count at 5:27. Good match for the limited time, but Perfect should've had more offense, considering Skinner was pretty damn low on the card by this point, and Mr. Perfect wasn't treated as a joke like he was in 2002. (**)
- Kamala (w/ Reverend Slick) vs. Kim-Chee:
Another match with a backstory to it! That's M-Azing! Again, for those who have a life not to remember, Kamala turned face a few weeks before the Royal Rumble, with the help of Slick, he convinced Kamala that he was a man! Kim-Chee is played by veteran Jobber Steve Lombardi, a.k.a the Brooklyn Brawler, a.k.a Doink #673, a.k.a Abe Schwartz, a.k.a Pat Patterson's Love Toy. To the amazement of myself, Kim-Chee gets an entrance! KC backs Kamala into the corner and hammers away. Trash talking and punching, punching and trash talking. Actually, that's pretty much Steve Lombardi's moveset, no matter who he's wrestling as or wrestling against. Kamala fights back though with his signature stuff (crappy chops and reverse cresent kick) before finishing KC off with the splash... but it takes a while to cover properly, but it's stilla three count at 2:10. After the match, Kamala and Slick steal Kim-Chee's hat. The highlight of match: Slick doing his old "Jive" dancing while wearing the funky hat. That's enough to bring it out of the DUD territory, since it was basically a squash match. (1/4*)
- Oh no... it's the WrestleManua Music Video! Why the hell does Gene Okerlund as "Who will survive?" when they're talking about WrestleMania? Newer fans will recognize the tune as Linda McMahon's theme music sans lyrics. It's a bad video, but the tune is so damn catchy you can't help humming it for the rest of the day. Makes you want to stab yourself in the ears, doesn't it?
- Flashback to the 2/15/93 Monday Night Raw: Brutus Beefcake made his "anticipated" return to the ring in a match with Ted Dibiase, but the evil duo if Dibiase and Irwin R. Schyster ran a foul of the rules, and bashed his surgically repaired face with Irwin's briefcase. The actions of Money Inc. lead to the face turn of Jimmy Hart, who fealt it was too much to do to Beefcake what they did. The next week, Hulk Hogan made his return to the WWF after a near year long absence. Clips of Mega Maniacs (the newly named team of Hogan/Beefcake) and Money Inc. talking finish up the "We Want the Belts" challenge.
- Money Inc. vs. Reno Riggins & Jerry Sabin:
Before the match, Irwin runs down the Mega-Maniacs. Hmm... I guess that match means more to him than the tax deadline coming up in 18 days (as of the date of the show, of course). Another squash match, continuing the dead period of this show. Sabin with a headlock on I.R.S., followed by a shoulder block and hip toss. Irwin dumps Sabin through the ropes, where Dibiase works him over for getting in too much offense. Riggins tags in to the appreciation of one person, and gets double teamed upon entry. Dibiase with chops in the corner, and takes Riggins over with a back drop. Irwin tags in to pound on Riggins, and Dibiase comes back in to do more of the same. Dibiase wih a suplex, then Irwin with one of his own, followed by a snap elbow drop. Dibiase in once more, and the Million $ Dream puts Riggins to sleep at 2:55. Yup, a basic squash match, but it's always fun watching Dibiase and Rotundo beat the crap out of scrubs. (1/4*)
- Flashback to the 2/13/93 episode of SuperStars: In a Non-Title match, Tatanka pinned Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels with the Papoose to Go (a.k.a Samoan Drop). 9 days later on Monday Night Raw (2/22/93 for us dorks), Tatanka and the Nasty Boys took on Michaels and the Beverly Brothers, and once again, Tatanka pinned Shawn Michaels. Will WrestleMania IX be "Three times a charm" for Tatanka? And I'm wondering what would happen if Jannetty weren't fired for his Rumble '93 situation. Would Tatanka/HBK still be on, or would HBK/Jannetty continue on through WrestleMania IX?
- Tatanka vs. George South:
Fuck, another squash match. The good news is that this is the last squash on the show. Tatanka wins the Hulk Hogan Patent Lockup, but doesn't pose. South hammers away in the corner on Tatanka, but gets taken over with a hip toss. Irish whip is reversed, and Tatanka with more chops. Irish Whip #2, and Tatanka puts South down with a scoop slam. South no-sells though and does more punch/kick crap. Tatanka returns with the same. Tatanka sends South to the corners and chops him down again. Tatanka goes into his signature War Dance, and you know what's coming. Chops, chops, top rope chop, and the Papoose to Go puts South down for the three count at 3:16. Blech... after the match, Shawn Michaels comes to ringside to talk trash to Tatanka, but ends up walking away from a fight. Too bad he didn't use this method when the Marines whooped his ass in October of '95. (DUD)
- WrestleMania IX Report! Brought to you by Ico-PRO: You've gotta want it! Mean Gene hypes up the Mega Manics vs. Money Inc., Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna (w/ Bret Hart Promo), Doink vs. Crush (w/ Crush fishing for squid), and Steiner Brothers vs. Head Shrinkers. The rest of the card: Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka, The Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez, Mr. Perfect vs. The Narcissist, Kamala vs. Bam Bam Bigelow, and Bob Backlund vs. Razor Ramon.
- The Bushwackers & Tiger Jackson vs. The Beverly Brothers & Little Louie:
If you've seen one Bushwackers vs. Beverly Brothers and Midget match, you've seen them all. But this match is awesome. Short and sweet, Bobby Heenan is ON for this match, so I'm not even bothering with PBP. I'm just going to quote Bobby Heenan for the entire match. The finish is Tiger Jackson pinning Little Louie with a cross body from the top rope at 9:54. (**1/2) Now onto the commentary....
Heenan: See what happens when you quit working out! Isn't that Hillbilly Jim?
Vince: That's Little Louie
Heenan: It wouldn't be Big Louie.
"I would love to have him in my house. We could use someone to sweep under our sofa."
"Have you met Tiger Jackson yet? Don't touch him, you don't know where he's been."
"That's a shame... Tiger Jackson looks like the smartest one of the team. I guess you can call him a half-wit."
"He loves baseball, that Tiger Jackson. He can't wait to play Shortstop."
"Boy is he excited. I bet he (Tiger) feels like he's three feet tall."
Heenan: How would you like the house next door be for sale, and see these three walking up the drive way? That would scare you off.
Vince: They'd be great neighbors.
Heenan: Oh yeah... wouldn't have to worry about putting your garbage out, they'd eat it. You'll have to keep your house pets in...
(talking about WrestleMania IX)
Vince: Gorilla Monsoon may come in via an elephant.
Heenan: You mean they're going to put an elephant on Gorilla Monsoon?!
Heenan: They should pull his teeth.
Vince: Pull who's teeth? Butch doesn't have any teeth, and Luke is missing a number of them.
Heenan: No, pull Tiger Jackson's teeth. He's only got three, you know. It's all they have.
Vince: What do you mean, all THEY have?
Heenan: All midgets have is three teeth. They're good for opening cans.
Vince: We apologize for the obsurity of Mr. Heenan, if in fact he is offending anyone.
Heenan: Poor Tiger Jackson couldn't have breakfast this morning.
Vince: Tiger Jackson could not have breakfast?
Heenan: He ordered cereal and they brought milk, but he wanted half & half.
- Flashback to the 1993 Royal Rumble (Again): The Giant Gonzalez makes his debut and (illegaly) eliminates the Undertaker from the Rumble Match. For those who have never seen Gonzalez, he wore an ugly body suit with air-brushed muscles and FUR, and an ASS CRACK. I couldn't make this up if I tried.
- The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. Bam Bam Bigelow:
Another main event caliber match when it comes to free television. Since neither guy could afford to lose here, don't be surprised if there's a shit finish. They go face-to-face to start, and Undertaker no-sells a few rights. Undertaker with a drop toe hold and some pulling of Bigelow's face. Bigelow pounds away some more with rights and headbutts. Irish whip, and the Undertaker surprises Bam Bam with a DDT. Undertaker with some choking in the corner. Wristlock applied by Undertaker, followed by the rope-walk clothesline across the back of the neck. Irish whip, and Undertaker no-sells a kick to the face. Undertaker with a clothesline, but he misses the diving clothesline that always misses, as we go to a Commercial. We return with Bigelow slamming Undertaker outside of the ring. Undertaker no-sells that, too. Bigelow rams Undertaker into the ring steps, then whips him knees first into them for good measure. Finally they get back in the ring, with Bigelow in control. Back suplex by Bigelow, but Undertaker sits-up again. Irish whip to the corner, and Bigelow takes Undertaker over with a powerslam. Once again, he sits up. Bigelow pounds away and slams him, then drops a headbutt. MORE SITTING UP! At least Undertaker got some exercise during his matches. Bigelow finally puts him down long enough to go to the top rope, but the Diving Headbutt misses. Undertaker actually connects with the flying chokeslam, then plants Bigelow with a Chokeslam. Bigelow rolls out of the ring and takes a walk though, giving Undertaker the victory by Count-Out at 7:46. After the match, Gonzalez comes to ringside to spook Undertaker, but nothing happens (as usual). Not too bad of a match, but not too good either. (*1/4)
- Closing out the show is a Bret Hart "Respect" Music Video. How many music videos did Bret Hart get in the WWF? But before we go to the video, Heenan tries convincing he's not a Weasel by bending over, showing he doesn't have a tail... ew?
Final Thoughts: Nothing terribly exciting of note here. The good stuff isn't very good, but nothing is that bad, either. Back in 1993, it was enjoyable to watch a 2 hour show featuring several "feature" matches, but in today's world of wrestling, this would look like a poor collection of matches from Velocity and Sunday Night Heat. I'll give it a thumbs up for the Nostalgia.