WWF PrimeTime Wrestling Holiday Special (December 23rd, 1986)
- Courtesy of WWE 24/7 (I wish I got it, but I do have a problem with their shitty editing because they're too cheap to pay for non-WWE licensed music and stuff of that nature, and of course, editing out the name "WWF" whenever mentioned. Wayback when, PrimeTime used to be host for matches from arena shows usually held on local television (the most popular being the MSG Network, NESN hosting Boston Garden, and PRISM hosting the Spectrum). Gradually they started slipping in more "exclusive matches" until the era of running those arena shows on T.V. came to an end. The darkest day ever was no longer being able to watch a WWF card on the MSG network. DAMN YOU MCMAHON! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
- Dig this old opening video! Hosts from the PrimeTime Wrestling studio are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. Even if all of these matches suck, at least the segments in between by these two will cheer me up. The set is decorated with christmas trees, a wreath, lights, and of course, presents! Heenan makes sure to point out that he won't be offended if Monsoon gave him cash for Christmas. Apparently Paul Orndorff doesn't celebrate Christmas, according to Heenan. And right off the bat we're off to the matches...
- Blackjack Mulligan vs. Jimmy Jack Funk:
Much like almost every match from this show, this is taken from the December 6th, 1986 even held at the Boston Garden, unless otherwise noted. Mulligan's run (as himself, not Super Machine) from this time frame was one of those "blink and you probably won't care enough to miss him" that has some old timer come back for 3-4 months, do nothing of note, then vanish without a trace. Jimmy Jack was the WWF's solution to replacing Terry Funk. Just guess how well that one turned out. Jimmy Jack runs seconds after the match starts, so Mulligan stomps on his hat. That isn't a nice thing to do! A few minutes are wasted with Blackjack removing his chaps and spurs. Fucking cheater, trying to get away with wearing them. Funk can't slam Mulligan, then runs outside again. Squint and Mulligan looks like Super Mario with the red shirt, blue jeans, and brown shoes. Give him a cap and a stereotypical Italian accent and he could have a second career as a plumber that fights evil reptiles and saves a princess from castles every 6 months. This match sucks, incase you couldn't tell from my really way out there and off track commentary. Mulligan doesn't sell much, and that's all you have to know. Criss-cross sequence, and Mulligan nails a diving elbow to score the three count at 5:34. Afterwards, Funk attacks, but Mulligan fights off using the rope and cow bell, scaring off the Repo Man's cousin. Crappy match, but my comments ruled. (DUD)
- Back to the studio with Heenan and Monsoon. Heenan makes fun of Texans for listening to Willie Nelson and living in dirt. Monsoon brings up Heenan's lies he told to his kids (eh? kayfabe broke!) that Santa didn't come because he lost the directions. Heenan then claims his favorite holiday is Easter, since all you have to do is give someone a bunch of eggs. I'm amazed he would spend that much on someone not himself. Anyway, back to the action to balance out the good with some bad...
- "Special Delivery" Jones vs. Iron Mike Sharpe:
As if I'm really going to pay attention to this match. Mike Sharpe makes sure to point out to the ring announcer that he's CANADA'S GREATEST ATHLETE! Sadly, Jones doesn't have his pajamas on, and instead opts to wear some weird patterned jacket. Monsoon brings up the never-ending "wrist protection" Sharpe has been wearing, then brings up Wayne Gretzky to oppose the "Canada's Greatest Athlete" claim that Sharpe uses for himself. Like in every match of his ever, Sharpe stalls a lot, then screams loud to show that he's trying to sell. I guess he trained Lex Luger, another guy guilty of screaming too much when getting his ass kicked. If you've seen one Sharpe match, you've seen them all. The guy sucks, plain and simple. This dog is fast-forward material all the way, unless you like seeing a terrible and heatless match between two Jobbers. To my surprise, this match doesn't go to a time limit draw, but Jones with it with the lamest move ever to end a match... the black slide, at 8:26. We get a helpful replay of the closing moments, incase we didn't already see it, or if it included anything worth watching again. (DUD)
- Studio time again! Monsoon claims Jones hasn't been doing well in the win/loss department. No fucking shit. Heenan points out a present has a banana on it, so it must be for Gorilla. Monsoon goes nuts laughing at a present addressed to Heenan, with what looks like a rubber chicken sticking out of it. Nevermind, it's probably a Weasel.
- Special Update hosted by Mean Gene Okerlund and brought to you by the pages of the WWF Magazine! Several weeks ago on SuperStars of Wrestling, Randy Savage seriously injured Ricky Steamboat's throat while dropping down off the top rope across Steamboat, who's throat was put across the security railing. We see Steamboat going to a speech rehabiliator, who teaches him how to say "E" again. What is this, Sesame Street? Steamboat grunts like he has to take a massive shit.
- Heenan says Steamboat forgot what the alphabet was and hopes het gets cash for Christmas, because his career is over. Monsoon talks about Blackjack Mulligan again. Heenan blames him for the reason why Texas has no grass. He's been grazing for the last 6 months.
- We cut to a video of Blackjack Mulligan, but who cares?
- We then cut to a video of Jesse Ventura trying to get a scoop form Andre the Giant about his reinstatement (he was suspended for whatever reason and pulled a Midnight Rider). Andre tells Ventura it's none of his business how the suspension was lifted.
- Monsoon and Heenan question how Andre had his suspension lifted, since Heenan was the one responsible, and was present for the hearing in question. Heenan won't talk. Heenan BS' his way out of giving gifts to the camera and stage crew of PrimeTime Wrestling, and it's time for another match...
- Pedro Morales vs. King Harley Race:
10 years earlier, and this would've headlined every arena in the country, and might've been WWWF vs. NWA World Champion, but my knowledge of their title reigns suck, so I'm probably wrong. However, this is 1986 we're talking about, and both men were well pas their primes. Thank God this one is Joined in Progress, or I might have to smash my hands in a door again. Race controls for the most part, using some basic stuff like headlocks and knees across the chest. Race with a headbutt and piledriver, but Morales kicks out at 2.9999. Morales starts mounting a comeback, doing nothing more than punching until Race spills through the ropes. Race gets introduced to the steel ring post and falls back down to the concrete. Morales continues his assault, but a small package only gets a two count. A back body drop gets another two count. Morales tosses the referee aisde to punch some more. Race sweeps the legs from under Morales, and with the help of the ropes, rolls up Morales for the three count at 6:37. Well, that finish has always been a non-favorite of mine, but what was shown wasn't too bad, considering these guys were going in slow-motion. (*1/4)
- Monsoon with one of his tired (and still funny jokes), saying if the referee were hung for being a good referee, they would be hanging an innocent person. Monsoon opens the present for him, and it's a Gorilla holding a banana. Heenan wants to know if he got cash with it. Heenan refuses the present of the stuffed animal as we go to...
- EBENEEZER PIPER! Thank God WWE corrected themselves here, because I could've sworn on the Tuesday Night Titans video release, they spelled it "Ebineezer", and really, is it that fucking hard to spell Ebeneezer Scrooge? Even if you've only read the book or seen one of the 500 fucking versions of the film, you should know how to spell it. Anyway, I'm ranting.
Despite this being 1986 Roddy Piper, it's not very good. However, it's not that bad either. Some old schmuck (Jacob Marley character) comes in to scare Piper. Piper says he died of smoking, judging from the smoke coming from his window. Piper takes exception to being called nice. The Ghost of Christmas Past shows up now. (Piper: It's Tiny Tim's father!) Piper just shoots insults at the guy, who shows us footage of a young Roddy stealing money from his classmates (Piper: I had to eat, and I didn't take no lunch money from him anyway!). The Ghost of Christmas Present is next (it's Jesus Christ!) to show us footage of the Cratchit's, who can't wrap presents because Piper stole their scotch tape. I thought they were too poor to eat, let alone buy presents. Piper just shrugs off the warning, mumbling and playing with his bank of pennies. Next is the Ghost of Christmas Future, and I could've sworn Piper says, and I quote "You're an ugly fucker." We get a picture of a terrible drawing of a gravestone, which happens to be Piper's. Piper yells at the ghost and throws pennies at him. Marley returns, so Piper yells at him more (Piper: You wanna know why you're dead? Because you wore those chains when you were alive!), kicks him out of his house, and goes back to sleep.
- Mean Gene Okerlund comes onto the set of PrimeTime Wrestling, bringing a gift to Gorilla, and giving Heenan nothing. Okerlund claims Heenan owes him $500 for the Denver game still, but Weaseled out of the bet. Heenan disputes the claims, since Okerlund doesn't know who they played against. Heenan out-smarting someone for once rules! Monsoon continues to toy with the stuffed animal given to Heenan as we are sent to the next match.
- "The Rebel" Dick Slater vs. Steve Lombardi:
We're joined in progress once again, and I still won't complain. For my comments about Slater, just look up about Mulligan and the "quick stint" explanation. This was pre-Brawler days for Lombardi, but he sucked his entire career, so it doesn't matter what outfit he's wearing. He could dress up as Kimchee, Doink, the Brawler, and Abe Schwartz at once and I sitll wouldn't care... okay, that's a lie. It would be pretty funny now that I think about it. This should be nothing more than an extended squash, but Slater was hardly pushed strong in the WWF, so you never know. Really boring "wrestling" from Slater, who just changes from resthold to resthold for a few minutes, and since Lombardi can't sell a dick in his ass, it comes across even worse. Lombardi gets some token offense, but Slater finishes him off with a double underhook suplex for the three count at 5:27. Oh well, at least this was kept short. I was right too, it wasn't much more than a squash for Slater. (1/4*)
- Monsoon makes fun of Steve Lombardi's anti-winning streak. Heenan continues to balk at giving presents to the PrimeTime Wrestling Crew. Monsoon appears to be having a ball the entire run of the show. Monsoon finally exposes the Weasel Doll.
- We cut to some schmuck interviewer, who talks with the NEW U.S. Express... Mike Rotundo, and the guy who won the Looks most like Barry Windham in 1986 Award, Danny Spivey. Sadly Spivey didn't have the talent of Windham, or anywhere near the level. They just talk a bit, who cares.
- Monsoon points out that the Weasel doll has "Bobby #1" printed across the back of it, but Heenan isn't buying it, and refuses the present again.
- Corporal Kirchner vs. Dino Bravo (w/ Johnny V):
We're still in Boston, and sadly this match isn't going to be clipped. I have seen very little of Kirchner, but from what I gather, he's a cheap replacement for Sgt. Slaughter (see also: Sivi Afi/Jimmy Snuka), and didn't get over enough to earn his spot on the roster. This was fairly early in Bravo's newest run with the WWF, sporting his natural colored hair still. I guess this is a natural combination, since Kirchner is a flag wearing moron who wears a goofy berret, and Bravo is an evil foreigner. Kirchner's music sounds to be played from one of those old-time music playing machines that I can't come up with a name for. It sounds really old fashioned, period. Squint and Kirchner kinda looks like Greg Gagne during his Rambo Wanna-Be period in the AWA, except with the same level of talent. The bastard Kirchner even has the nerves to kick out of Bravo's side suplex! I guess it wasn't his finisher yet. Kirchner gets some token babyface comeback offense in, but Johnny V causes a distraction, allowing Bravo to kill Kirchner with a back suplex for the three count at 3:34. That was pretty damn quick, but that's not a bad thing. It's still weird looking at Bravo without the bleach blond hair. (3/4*)
- Monsoon makes fun of Kirchner for being too stupid to go after Johnny Valiant, and Heenan agrees with him for once. Monsoon offers Heenan the present he bought for him, but Heenan doesn't want it since he saw the Weasel doll given to him earlier in the show. Heenan keeps teasing having presents for the crew, but nothing is brought in yet.
- The Junkyard Dog vs. "Adorable" Adrian Adonis:
Oh....... shit. I like Adrian Adonis, but not as much during his really fat and acting queer character. The guy was in terrible shape, and it's weird seeing him as a NYC leather-wearing tough guy to being this cream puff! Junkyard Dog is really over, but I've never been much of a fan of his in-ring stuff, so I expect this match to suck. Adonis appears to be missing Jimmy Hart in his corner, so he stalls even more than usual, thanks to JYD threatening him with his chain. I wonder why we never got a Hercules/JYD Feud, for the obvious reasons. The classy Boston crowd chants "Fag-got" at Adonis. Blech, Adonis is REALLY out of shape. He makes Dusty Rhodes look like Hulk Hogan here! It's been over 4-minutes since the bell rang, and we haven't gotten as much as a lock-up yet. Finally some action, and a shoulder block sends Adonis out of the ring again. Adonis gets caught in the ropes next, and it's time for JYD's signature headbutts. Lots of nothing happens until Adonis applies the "Good Night Irene" sleeper, and the action spills out of the ring. JYD headbutts Adonis to hell, then runs back into the ring to beat the Count-Out at 7:36, and picking up the ultra cheap finish. I was thinking going with a worse rating than my final one, but it was thankfully kept short. Time to play GRAB THEM CAKES! (-*)
- Heenan shows off one of the Bobby Heenan LJN figures to the camera as we go to a commercial break. They talk about Outback Jack (or as Heenan calls him "Outhouse Jack"), and we cut to a vignette of Outback Jack being marked by a tribe of Australian outback people. Funny, they look more like Africans than Australians. Now they talk about questionable referee Danny Davis, who cuts a promo not caring about the fans boo'ing his decisions. HEEL TURN!
- WWF World Championship Match:
Hulk Hogan © vs. Hercules Hernandez (w/ Bobby Heenan):
In the ultimate lame act, the big feature match promised this week is nothing more than recycled trash from the November '86 episode of Saturday Night's Main Event. Sadly we don't see the footage of Slick selling the contract of Hercules to Heenan (cash only), nor do we see Hogan's "this is where the power lies" promo that Ventura makes reference to throughout the match. I won't go into detail here, since I've seen the match enough times to say there's nothing much to note, anyway. Quickly to the finish, Hercules puts Hogan in his back breaker submission (a.k.a the Torture Rack everywhere else in the world at the time), but stupidly lets go of the hold, allowing Hogan to HULK UP~!, and you know the rest: punch-punch-punch slam or boot and leg drop finishing him off at around the 8:00 mark. Ventura naturally calls foul on the whole thing, claiming Hogan had already submit while in the hold. After the match, Monsoon and Heenan wrap things up in the studio. (3/4*)
Final Thoughts: If not for the awesome stuff with Heenan and Monsoon, these old episodes of PrimeTime Wrestling look like complete dog shit. While it's cool to see some old exclusive matches from various arena shows, they seemed to always pick the bad matches from each. Oh well, since old episodes of PTW are rare, I would recommend it just for the sake of getting copies of them.