In case you were unaware (and that's 100% of normal people), the ES Sports Staff is currently on assignment to cover the 2006 Grapefruit League. Today we flew from Denver to Ft. Lauderdale. Nothing juicy today, since it was just a travel day. We'll try to update this everynight...assuming I'm not hammered or convicted.

-Whenever you're departing DIA and you have time to kill, always go upstairs and take the bridge to Concourse A. There's an isolated seat bank in the middle of the bridge. You get a prime view of the entire front range and no scremaing kids.

-Medical staples in your head do NOT get picked up by airport metal detectors.
Guess they're not really metal. I'm hurt...this means I'm a lot less metal than I thought I was.

-For all the Arrested Development fans: TED/United is airing episodes of the show after all westbound in-flight movies. Of course, you have to sit through a shitty flick like "The Family Stone", first.

-When flying in to Ft. Lauderdale, I noticed alot of light blue roofs on the houses. I thought it was just due to design preferences, but the guy next to me informed that those were light lue tarps, covering houses that were still in need of hurricane repair. Roughly 1/3 of all houses had 'em.

-In what was an Uncle Travellin' ES first: I turned on the radio in my rental car for the first time and it was NOT tuned to a Spanish station. No surprise, but radio sucks down here... and I forgot my book of CD's.

-Staying at a swanky country club thanks to some freebie promo deal. Not too amazing... it's like being at home but with palm trees. No beach, cheap matress, poor lighting in the unit and too famliy-friendly.

-Tomorrow I'm heading up to Jupiter for Cardinals spring training.

The Chronicles of ES will be the highlight of the DWB Season.

Cardinals?! Sweet!

-Of note: the town of jupiter has all of TWO gas stations. All located at the same intersection. Check your gas tnak before coming to town.

-Orioles beat the Cardinals , 4-2, on thursday when some guy with #93 bounced a chopper over the shortstop. Cardinals picther Brad Thompson (had a number in the 40's, so he's apparently expected on the roster), had a terrible ninth and couldn't maintain the 2-2 tie.

-Must have been a split squad on one side, since ALOT of offensive linemen and WR numbers were on the field.

-Roger Dean Stadium is nothing spectacular, but it's packed. Expect lines and crowds for everything.

-O's 3B Melvin Mora made two great catches while going to his right.

-At the end of the game, got a ball signed by So Taguchi. neat, because it's English and Japanese.

-Jupiter's beaches looked terrible. Lots of hurricane/tree debris and....crap around.

-Rush hour last from 4pm to 8pm on I-95. Take the turnpike if you can.

-Most common thing I've thought while walking around the pool area: "holy crap! that looks like a 13 yr old Samoa Joe!"

-Heading to Orioles' Ft. Lauderdale park in about two hours. Mets tomorrow (Sat)

A ball signed by So Taguchi? DAMNIT!

Feh, I'd rather have a ball signed by the 13 year old that looks like Samoa Joe.

Yes, but I love So Taguchi.

And I 'm not sure what that says about you.

You LOVE So Taguchi? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW

Shut up! You don't understand me! :(

3/17/06
-Dropped by The Orioles Fort Lauderdale training site. What a frickin' dump. It's an old run-down parking lot by a small commuter airport. I've seen nicer high school fields. Hell, the place where I used to play softball, out in shithole Aurora was nicer (plus, you got a FREE 4 oz drink with admission!)

-Orioles beat the Nationals 12-3. The Nationals' starting pitcher wasn't even on the roster. (#48). I'm sure if we can get one of the 8 Nationals fans to check in, we'll find out who he was. He stunk.

-O's reliever Sendy Rleal impressed in his one inning of work. Not sure of this guy's prospect status, but he brought some heat.

-After the game, Brian Roberts stopped his Range Rover and signed for a bunch of fans. I also got Rleal and 3rd base coach Tom Trebelhorn.

-Before the game, I tossed a ball to Nationals outfielder Ryan Church, over the dugout. He turned away right as I threw it, and I beaned him in the forehead.

3/18/06
Went to Port St. Lucie's Traditions Field, the Mets Spring facility. Nice place. Easy to get to, clean, good sightlines, nice scoreboard and free parking across the street.

-Got a great seat 3 lines up from the field, next to the Mets dugout. Got there late and the only autograph I got was from Anderson Hernandez. The New Yorker I was sitting next to said "oh, you'll want him!". Okay, then.

-5 innings later, Hernandez scored the winning run, when Some Asshole From the Muther Fuckin Braves overthrew to second. Hernandez made like a bakery truck and hauled buns to home plate.

-Final score had Mets winning 3-2. Billy Wagner pitched the 9th and got the save, so it was almost like a regular season game.

-Found out that I missed the Burt Reynolds Museum in Jupiter. He even has the canoe from Deliverance. Damn...have to go back next year.

-Blew out my tire on I-95 after the game. Easy to change, but a bigger hassle to drop my rental off in Orlando and get a new car. A flat tire is a 75 fee... no way around it. Losers forgot to give me back my credit card, so I have to drive up there, tomorrow. Jerks. I'll be sure to fart alot in their car.

-In Kissimmee (south of Orlando) tonight. Went to House of Blues for all of 5 minutes. Chugged a beer with some 21 year olds and saw the last three minutes of some crappy cock -rock band.

-Another shitty band called "Off-Kilter" was playing at Pleasure Island. See..Off-KILTER. They wear KILTS. Get it?! I finally found the one band whose ass Bare Naked Ladies could kick. I dunno..I have a hard time beliving these dweebs picked up a guitar at age 14 and said "dude, if I keep at it, I can someday play in a gimmicky band, wearing a kilt, at Disney Land. Rock n' fuckin' roll!"

-Going to the Astros' place tomorrow. They're playing the Tigers and I'm hoping to get Jimmy Leyland's autograph. More to come...

3/17/06
-Addendum to the O's and Fort Lauderdale. Theire groundskeeper is a complete 1991 AOR music dork. He walks around in an Aerosmith jacket and insists that Aerosmith is played before, after and during the game, over the PA system. He also likes Van Hagar. I'm sure this dick drives a Trans Am. Before the game, we were "treated" to a full 45 minute session of Aerosmith's tiest B-sides and rarities. There are supposedly 7 levels of HELL and I'm quite positivie that Level 4 consists of being at Orioles SPring Training while being hit with a blistering rendition of Aerosmith's awful cover of the Doors' "Love me two times".

3/19/06

-Found some nify AYCE breakfast buffet. I thought this was noteworthy, but every two blocks in Orlando, there's an AYCE buffet. It's worse than Vegas. Orlando also leads the world in steak joints per square foot. I guess all the geezers retire down here and head for the all you can eat RED MEAT buffet! MMM!

-Dropped by the Astros complex today (Osceola County Stadium) . Nice place, where you can wander around the practice fields and see all the amazing crap that a team that routinely gets trounced in the playoffs is capable of.

-I finally met some normal fans at Osceola. Couple of old guys who, like me, had moved down to the empty sections. One old fart even got pissed when people would walk through the aisles while the ball was in play. If I was gay, I would've given him a nobber.

-Like I had hoped for, I got Jim Leyland's autograph. Bonus: Don Slaught (one of the two catchers on the 1992 Pirates squad, aka "My Team") and .... Kenny Rogers! I asked Rogers if I could take his picture, and he proceeded to beat the shit out of me.

-Around the fifth inning, I was hanging out around the left field corner and Brad Lidge was walking out of the clubhouse. I got off a good "Cherry Creek SUCKS" heckle at him. He looked back, and I know he heard me. (see, Lidge went to Creek, the high school that cheated against mine in the 1991 state football final). Everytime I see him, I get that blast off. I saw him in the bullpen in Baltimore last June, got his attention and told him that, yes, "Cherry Creek SUCKS!". He came through Denver a few weeks later and I did the same. Now he's heard it in Florida. He probably thinks he has a stalker. All he has to do is say "you're right ES!" and it'll be over. I will be avenged then.

-Heading to the Nationals place tomorrow for the final stop. It's at Space Coast Stadium...or as I call it: "Spaaaaaaace COAST! (stadium)". I wanna' see Moltar and Brak out there. Also, I'll be spending tomorrow night in Cocoa Beach, former home of Rick "The " Martel. I'll be looking for a femmy light blue sweater to wear.

Awesome story. :lol:

3/20/06
My schedule had the Nationals playing the Dodgers at 1:05. I got there a little before 11 and figured I would trawl the practice fields for a few hours. The game was actually at 6:05...so I bought my ticket then killed five hours at the nearby Kennedy Space Center. Method of operation at the Center: stand around and wait for a door to open, then go into that room and watch a movie about lauching rockets. Repeat this process for every "exhibit". I dunno, it's a good time, just to flashback to the old Apollo days when people actually gave a shit about the space program. Plus, Cape Canveral was the setting for GI Joe #8 -- one of the first comics I ever bought and a story I recreated countless times as a kid.

Space Coast Stadium is located in a newly developed township. Not much around it now, but come back in 10 years and it'll be surrounded by condos, strip malls and Chipotles.

Each foul pole is named after space shuttle debris. Challenger and Columbia.

Nationals are cheap bastards. They have no programs and only one novelty shop. They were only offering four (crappy) spring training t-shirts, too. The rest of their stuff was the standard MLB catalog junk. By contrast, every other team I saw had shitloads of exclusive Spring Training crap.

Nationals got up 2-0 in the second. The bullpen imploded in the sixth, led by Joey Eishcen, and they ended up losing 5-11 to the Dodgers.

Nationals OF/leadoff man Brandon Watson impressed. First pitch of the game, he laid down a bunt and easily beat it out. He also stole two bases. Good kid and is probably my INSIDER FANTASY BASEBALL SLEEPER PICK: "Need to beef up your teams SBs and OBP, pick up Nationals OF Brandon Watson for cheap. Or call my exclusive fantasy hotline!!!! The tips the other guys are charging you for, I'm givin' away FREE! I gotta' be crazy, but you're crazy if you don't call!!! It's free, bucko!"

Ryan Church's significant other was sitting in the section to my right. Fuck, is she hot. That skank Anna Benson is Single A ball compared to her. A buncha' other players' wives and girlfriends were seated there as well. They fawned over every baby stroller that went by.

In the eighth inning I saw Dante Bichette and his son get up from behind homeplate and head out of the stadium. Dante! One of the eStragand Hall of Famers, who made every flyball an adventure! He was there as a regular fan, so I didn't badger him. Nice to know that he's still following the game. Oh yeah, he also got a haircut.

Afterwards, I hung out in Cocoa Beach. I was at a gift shop and asked the dumpy lady at the counter if a good bar was within walking distance. She directed me to a place called "Graham's". I went in there, plopped down and downed a few. I realized after roughly 10 minutes that every guy int he place looked like Jake Roberts or Sam Elliot. They were playing AC/DC and Whitesnake. NASCAR signs hung on the wall. A skanky blond seated next to me with a shoulder tattoo fell off her stool. I was in a southern fried white trash drinking establishment. If I had asked around, I'm sure I would've been invited to a lynching party.

There's Cocoa Beach and the town of Cocoa, itself. I was wondering: when the hurricanes hit last summer, did the local weatherman say "Cocoa, Beware!!"

Cracked me up with that one. THat's probably the worst joke I've ever heard.

Thank God he didn't say the joke in Warrior mode, or we'd all be dying from laughter. :lol:

This is funny: when I made each of my previous posts, I was at a public computer in a hotel. I was on a time limit and didn't bother to proof each one. Today, I proofed a little bit and found that each post had a mild degree of CENSORSHIP! Words like "fuck", "cock", "shit" and even "naked" were left out.

I went back and added a few fucks, shits and cocks. So if you're reading the previous posts and something doesn't make sense, it was probably a curse word. Fuckin' Howard Johnson's.

Awesome! Totally awesom! Way to go, Hamilton.