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| The Bad: This movie fucking sucks. I’m embarrassed to admit that I even watched it. Watching this movie makes me wish that I was a character from Friday the 13th Part VII. At least that way, my ass would be dead and I would’ve been spared the torment of having to subject myself to this abysmal piece of ass-trash. After suffering through this I began spinning around in circles like Linda Blair screaming, “It burns! It BURNS!” Director Rob Hedden should be strapped to a chair and forced to eat stale Moon Pies for five days straight. And after he pukes the rancid marshmallow mess onto the floor, shove some more into his goddamn hole until he pukes again. I’m talking Clockwork Orange style baby! Somebody has to PAY for the pain we were forced to endure. Now I realize that after seven films it become pretty tough to keep the Jason myth fresh and invigorating. But at the same time, Jason is easy money. Anybody can make a Jason flick! You have to actually make a concerted EFFORT to create a film as overwhelmingly shitty as this one. These things don’t happen by accident. I suppose I should have paid better attention to the flashing warning signs when I first heard of the movie’s title. As said before, taking the boy out of Camp Crystal Lake is a sure fire indicator that crappiness will ensue. Now whenever you create a film, there are certain laws that must be obeyed. You must adhere to the reality that you create. Even when dealing with fictional concepts these laws still apply. In the supplied reality of Jason Voorhees, people DO come back from the dead. Fine. It may be ridiculous in the real world but I accept it in this altered reality. However, Friday 8 does not adhere to the laws of reality set forth by its own canonical history. The most offensive example of this is the fact that Jason SWIMS to New York! Jason CANNOT swim! The entire story behind his character revolves around the fact that he cannot swim! This has been hammered into us in every goddamned movie! Even if Jason COULD swim (which he can’t) the very fact that he goes to New York is yet another bastardization of established Voorhees canon. Jason isn’t the type to just go around willy-nilly hacking people up wherever he feels like it. He only kills people who encroach upon his territory. This was established back in Friday 2! So long as you are within five miles of Camp Crystal Lake, you are considered fair game. But Jason couldn’t be arsed about a bunch of people twelve miles down the road let alone people from another state. Why does Jason go all the way to New York to get these specific people? Is it because of Rennie? Is it because she’s the one that got away? Ennnnnnt! Wrong answer! Thank you for playing. That makes about as much sense as ears on a rainbow. Voorhees is a goddamned potato-head! You think he’s going to recognize the adult version of some chick he met underwater over a decade ago? No fucking way! If you have to change your title character’s personal profile just to satisfy your gimmick, then you are a true-blue hack and have no business getting behind a camera. Hell, you don’t even deserve to OWN a camera. I don’t even want to see you at the one-hour photo in the local drug store. And speaking of ridiculously unrealistic plot contrivances, let’s talk about the boat shall we? As mentioned in the summary, Jason takes the film student guy and chucks his ass on top of some electrical equipment. Well, whoever set this stuff up is obviously not an electrician. As soon as the punk lands on the shit, sparks shoot out of it and the kid catches on fire! Now I don’t know a great deal about the physics of electricity beyond the fact that it hurts when you stick your dick into an electrical socket; but be that as it may, there is no way in hell you are going to convince me that a few sparks from some instrument panel is going to cause someone to burst into fucking flames! Not only that, but the fire engulfs the rest of the ship within seconds. Now fire can be pretty fast, of that I have no doubt. But give me a fucking break. Once again, Rob Hedden throws caution (as well as plausibility) to the wind in favor of moving the plot along. Oh and let me speak up for a brief moment concerning our friendly neighborhood Doomsayer. Does this character archetype have to appear in EVERY single Jason movie? It was cool in the first two flicks, and it was an amusing in-joke in Part 3. But now it has become an overplayed gag that has long since run its course. I bet Hedden is one of those guys that goes to college dorm parties and repeatedly does the “Pull my finger” trick even though it stopped being funny in the sixth grade. Enough with the Doomsayers already. Ahhh…but now we come to New York herself. This movie may as well double as a Manhattan travel brochure since it effectively illustrates every single stereotype that has ever been made about New York. Now I know that many of you may find this a bit of a hard pill to swallow, but not everyone meets a mugger as soon as they set foot in the Big Apple. It’s not like you cross the Lincoln tunnel and are instantly greeted by the New York welcoming committee waving a gun and saying “Gimme your money.” Sure, there are a lot of muggers in New York. There are muggers in every city. But this was a poor and cheaply crafted way to segue into the second act of this film. On top of that, we also have the stereotypical New York diner. This is the kind of place where all the waitresses are middle-aged divorcees with smoker’s cough and thick makeup that makes them look like two-dollar crack whores. There is also a scene on a New York City subway. This scene wouldn’t be so bad if not for the fact that it plays up on another famous stereotype. There’s this mentality in movies that seems to suggest that nothing strange ever fazes a New Yorker. After all…this is ‘New fulking Yawk’ right? These guys have seen it all. Now while I’m apt to believe that many New Yorkers have probably seen their fair share of oddities, credibility is stretched just a tad when a seven foot, moss-covered, ass-smelling, blood-soaked rotting fucking corpse with a hockey mask and a machete can stroll down the street without anyone batting an eye. Let’s get back to the muggers shall we? I only want to harp on this issue for a bit, because this scene includes a particularly idiotic death. Mugger #1 is trying to rape Rennie. Jason comes up behind him, picks up a spent hypodermic needle and drives it into the guy’s back. Now since the needle is empty, it really becomes nothing more than a stabbing weapon. Stabbing a guy in the back with an empty needle isn’t going to cause instantaneous death. But that’s not why I hate this scene so much. The needle actually manages to penetrate the other side of the guy’s body. A good inch and a half of the thing comes poking out through the guy’s chest. What the fuck kind of needle is this? First off, the thing would have broken off long before it ever reached the sternum. Secondly, it would have to be at least twelve inches long just to get through the guy. Not to mention the fact that we see the front of it sticking out of him (suggesting a length longer than twelve inches). I’d hate to see what Jason would do to a guy if he had a dildo in his hand. But sadly, the absurdity of this film does not stop with the super-syringe. The final leg of this miserable venture is so unbelievably ridiculous that even the folks at Troma would be loathe to endorse it. First off, I’m still perplexed by this whole sewer thing. The tunnel worker tells Sean and Rennie that the tunnel is flooded at 10 pm every night with gallons of toxic waste. Is this standard waste disposal in New York? Does Rudy Giuliani know about this? I was going to cut you New Yorkers some slack, but after learning about this I’m not so sure. Why do you guys sling toxic waste through your sewers? That’s not cool! No wonder you guys have mutant alligators living underground. Knock that shit off! Now as incomprehensible as the nightly toxic flooding may be, it doesn’t hold a candle to what comes next. Jason gets bathed in the toxic slop and transforms into a normal healthy looking young boy. Not only is Jason a little kid again, but also he’s sporting a crisp clean pair of BVDs to boot. Shades of Geppetto! Excuse my French but what the FUCK is this about? This is without a doubt hands down the shittiest ending to a movie ever! Is this supposed to be some kind of metaphorical allegory to something? If it is, then I’ll be damned if I can figure out what it’s supposed to be. There is no way you can twist Hedden’s pretzel-logic in a way that makes any degree of sense. Please. I dare anyone to try and justify this retarded fucking climax. And even if you CAN justify it, I don’t care because it’s still fucking stupid. In an effort to reinvent the wheel, Rob Hedden actually ends up throwing the fucker up on cement blocks. Thanks to YOU Rob, I am now forced to give a Friday the 13th movie a LOWER rating than that chunk of shit Swimfan! Fuck you. |
| QUOTE (Scrooge McSuck @ Mar 7 2006, 12:25 PM) |
| What budget? They couldn't even afford to film in Manhattan for longer than 5 minutes. Considering the movie is called Jason takes Manhattan, you'd think the idiots running the company would be a bit more generous in that department. |