The Bottom Line
A Look at Thursday Night Raw
We're "Live" Here on Raw, and the Road to WrestleMania Tournament is here, as well as Cena vs. Edge with Foley as the special guest referee. Triple H's music opens the show.
Road To WrestleMania
Triple H vs. Big Show
Wow, Triple H is curtain jerking. Match starts out with Big Show dominance. Headbutts and a HUGE skillet to the chest slow Triple H down. Big Show hits Triple H with a HUGE Gorilla Press. He steps on Triple H's hand and Triple H screams for his life. 500 pounds on your hand. WTF, Show chopped Triple H's hand. He lefts Trips by the hand and holds him in the air, dominating early and Triple H is writhing in pain. Show throws Trips into the corner and chops him. Trips then Flair falls. Trips gets thrown over the top rope to the floor. Show goes to get him, but Trips pushes him into the turnbuckle post, and Show has the crimson mask! This takes us to our first commercial break. We're back from commercial, and Triple H is pounding the hell of Show. Flair knee drop to Show's head. Show has some damn good blood flow tonight. Out of nowhere, Show hits Triple H with an atomic drop. Triple H is unphased and hits a right hand. Show is unphased! Headbutt! Another. Trips into the ropes, POWERSLAM! Show's pissed now! Legdrop attempt, but Trips move. Show with the Chokeslam, but Trips reverses it into a tornado DDT. Face to knee buster by Trips. Pedigree coming! He got it. Triple H turns him over. 1....2...KICKOUT! Wow! 2.9999999999999. Triple H is pissed, and he's going for another Pedigree. Show reverses it! HUGE variation of the Gory Bomb. 10 count, and they both are up by 9. Show with a shoulder block. Show for another Chokeslam attempt. Thumb to the eye from Trips. Show's unphased. CHOKESLAM! 1.....2.... HE KICKED OUT! Another DAMN near close fall. Trips rolls out of the ring, and Show follows him. Show drops him throat first on to the ring barrier. HUGE chop to Trips. Show whips into the ring steps. Trips knocks Show down on to the exposed step. And the referee calls for the bell. Double count in 14:32. Triple H is up and he attacks Show, but Show throws him off. He tears apart the announcers table and tells Triple H to kiss his ass. He goes for the chokeslam, but Trips gets a low blow. Triple H gets a chair, but Show spears him through the ring barrier. Triple H looks like a damn pretzel. **1/2 for a pretty good brawl, and it worked in getting Big Show over, making him look like a really serious threat for the first time in a while.
Winner: Double Countout
Hype video for Shawn Michaels' retirement bash. We get a recap of when Michaels "Lost His Smile". Tonight should be interesting.
Backstage, Vince is with his lawyers when Todd Grisham bursts in. Grish questions the WrestleMania situation. He says that the winner of the Van Dam/Masters match will face Triple H and Big Show next week. Mama Benjamin comes in with Shelton, and she's in a wheelchair. She needs something. She needs Vince to give Shelton an Intercontinental Title match. After minutes of rubbing and fake crying, he gives him a title contention match.
Cut to another locker room, Foley is singing the WrestleMania theme song. Lita and Edge come in, and her boobs are billowing as usual. She's trying to whore herself out again. She said she read his book, "Scooter". He asks what her favorite part is, and she's clueless. Edge says nobody gives a damn about his book and he wants to make sure Foley doesn't screw him. Foley is a HUGE Hacksaw Jim Duggan fan. HOOOOOOOOOOO!!! He says whoever it is, he'll count the three count.
Intercontinental Championship Contention Match
Shelton Benjamin w/Mama Benjamin vs. Eugene
This should be interesting. He's offering her a Forrest Gump piece offering of chocolates, but Shelton kicks the chocolates... and his face. Shelton rams Eugene's face into the turnbuckle, but he Hulks up. Or retards up, one or the other. A couple of right hands into an Airplace Spin. Shelton looks for the T-Bone, but Eugene a Northern Lights. Shelton's up, and hits a Samoan Drop. Shelton for the T-Bone again, and he got it. Damn, this is over in 2:41. I won't even rate this "match". Post match, Shelton says next week, they'll be calling him the new Intercontinental Champion, not a mama's boy in the midst of a bunch of "Mama's Boy" chants. He then "WOOOO's" for good measure.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
A new HBK career highlight. This one is when DX shows the Curtain Call footage. Michaels berates Vince at ringside. Michaels said Vince was an ass before he ever made him one. Backstage, Ashley's tits are heaving as she gets ready for her match against Torrie.
Torrie Wilson vs. Ashley Massaro
Torrie kicks Candace, and stomps her down. Throws her back in the ring, and the lack of clothing is amazing. HAIR PULL~! Candace hands Torrie the little bitch and Torrie rubs her ass in Ashley's face. Clothesline by Torrie. Torrie hits Ashley with the X-Factor, but no pin. Ashley reverses some sort of move from Torrie and gets the roll up for the three minutes in 1:13. Candace is in the ring. She's got great news. Candace is gonna be in Playboy. Mediocre ovation. DUD. The less said about this, the better.
Winner: Ashley Massaro
Another Michaels moment from when Michaels told Vince to let the Montreal Screwjob go. The retirement party is up next!
The retirement party is up, and Vince brings out Shawn Michaels. Vince looks sinister. Vince has made HBK a music video tribute, but before he plays it, he says he has ever Raw and SmackDown superstar ready to shake Michaels hand. He's lying though. What he did do, is get Shawn Michaels the Spirit Squad. Michaels looks less than thrilled. Their little chant was absolutely hilarious. Michaels looks PISSED. He tells Shawn to sign the papers. HBK tells Vince says he knows he was a pain in the ass, but he doesn't want to retire like this. Vince cuts his mic. Vince tells Shawn to sign the papers, but he doesn't. He shakes his head no, and Vince looks pissed now. NOBODY says no to Vince McMahon. HBK takes the mic away from Vince. He can't do it. He knows he said that walking away was an option, but it's really not. He loves this job, and to walk away from it all, the ring, the fans, would be walking away from one of the greatest joys he has ever known, and he refuses to do it. HBK questions why Vince is picking on him, so Vince tells him. Shawn has something Vince wants, and can't have. Shawn has inner peace. Vince doesn't have that, and he wants it. He doesn't know who he is, and he wants MORE! MORE! MORE! Vince's face is BRIGHT red. Shawn has no idea what it's like being Vince. He has an empire to run, stockholders to listen to, a film division to get off the ground. Vince is pressured. Vince's life is a nightmare! But it'll all change. He'll be better, because Shawn IS going to sign the papers. Vince doesn't like people like Shawn. He hates people like Shawn. Vince wants what Shawn has, and he can't have it. Vince DEMANDS that Shawn sign the papers, and flips the correct page. Shawn takes the pen, but he rips up the papers. Vince gives him the look of death and slaps him. Shawn flips the table, and is ready to fight, but Vince quickly leaves the ring. Vince tells Shawn that when he tore up those papers, he open the gates to his own personal HELL!!!!
Huge announcement time. Bret Hart is to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Shocking, indeed. Lawler: "Check the weather in Hell, because it just froze over."
Road To WrestleMania
Chris Masters vs. Rob Van Dam
A bunch of random flips from Rob Van Dam and pointless kicks and eventually a slingshot legdrop. Pinfall only gets a two count.Rolling thunder into an attempted monkey flip, but Masters gets a powerslam. Doesn't cover him though, but dominates him. Absolutely NO reaction from the crowd. First "spot" sees Masters knock RVD off the apron and into the crowd's laps. That was pretty neat. Gets Van Dam into the ring, but only gets a two count. Woah. Torture Rack. RVD reverses it into a sunset flip, but gets a two. RVD with a huge cresent kick, and a spinning heel kick. RVD to the top, and another flying kick. Must be the only move in his arsenal nowadays. Rolling Thunder and RVD to the top rope. Masters crotches him though. Masters goes to hit RVD with a superplex, but RVD kicks him off the top rope. FIVE STAR FROGSPLASH! Cover gets the 3 count, and he wins it and moves on to the finals in 4:51. * if only for the spot where Masters knocked RVD into the crowd.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
Backstage, Trish is wearing a blonde wig and is hitting on Trish's boyfriend. She goes crazy and starts screaming that he's attacking her, and the cops run in as he tries to console her, and thinks he's attacking her. Wow, that was great. After the commercial break, Mickie is with the cops and tells Trish a complete lie about what just happened, and the cop is telling Trish what he say which was her pinned on the wall. Trish says she's sorry. Wow, this is getting good.
WWE Championship
John Cena © vs. Edge
Special Referee: Mick Foley
Well, this is interesting. They lock up, and Edge looks like a huge red firecracker. Cena with a headlock, Cena with a sideslam and the cover. Barely a two count. Weak. Headlock from Cena. Might I add that Foley is looking quite huge and ugly tonight. Edge rolls out of the ring, and Lita tends to him. Commercial break already. Hopefully it lasts 10 minutes. Damn, only lasted five minutes. We're back from commercial, and Edge hits a HUGE clothesline. Edge pounds on Cena's back, and whips him. Cena reverses it and hits a snap suplex. He gets the cover, and a two count. Cena with ANOTHER headlock. God, these two have absolutely NO chemistry in the ring AT all. Edge is up and headbutts Cena down and drops a knee to his back. Standing dropkick, and the cover gets a two count only. Crowd isn't into it, and neither am I. Edge kicks Cena in the chest. Cena comes back and repeated right hands. Edge loads Cena on the top rope, and goes for a superplex. Cena fights out of it, but Edge gets Cena with a haymaker. Edge back to the top rope, and goes for the suplex again. Cena reverses it again and hits Edge with a splash off the top rope. An ugly splash, I might add and it only gets a two count. Weak. Another snap suplex to Edge, and a two count. Edge with a drop toe hold from Edge to Cena. Edge tells Lita to undo the turnbuckle, but Foley catches her. He sends her to the back. Lita has been ejected from ringside. She throws a temper tantrum on the ramp. Another commercial, thank God. We're back, and during the commercial break, Edge backdrops Edge on to the barricade. Live, Edge is poounding Cena on the end of the ramp. Back in the ring, and Edge gets only a two count. Foley goes to ringside, and says he was late on the pinfall. Edge locks Cena in the sleeper. Cena hits the clothesline, and another and a shoulder block. Uh oh, five moves of doom time? Cena with a belly to belly. He gets the pin. 2.99999999. Edge comes back though, and a big boot to the face. Edge is loading to the top rope, Cena goes for the FU from the top, but Edge reverses it into a powerbomb. He has the cover, but his feet are on the top rope. He argues with Foley, but from behind, a side slam. Five knuckle shuffle, and how lame. FU? Yep. Edge reverses it, and gets the Edgecution! 1...2...KICKOUT! 2.99999999999999!! That was actually close. Edge goes for the spear, Cena sidesteps, FU attempt, but Edge shoves Cena into Foley and he's out of the ring. Cena has the STF (I refuse to call it the STFU) locked in, and Edge taps. Lita comes to the ring, and breaks it up. From behind, Edge tosses Cena into the corner. Edge hits Cena with the WWE title, and Lita throws Foley in the ring. He makes the count, but only a two as Cena kicks out. Edge to the top rope. He goes for a cross body, Cena catches him, reverses it and hits the FU. That got the three count in 21:16. ** just because the last 10 minutes picked up big time, but still was pretty bad. In the ring, Edge is PISSED. Lita hits Foley with the low blow, and Edge hits Foley with the Spear and yells that Foley screwed him, the son of a bitch as the show goes off the air.
Winner: John Cena
The Bottom Line: This show was VERY lackluster. When Big Show vs. Triple H is the match of the night, then something is drastically wrong. The Masters/RVD encounter could have been so much more, the Eugene character has more than run it's course and just his appearing on TV is a waste of time. The guy can WRESTLE. He's been looked at as the second coming of Chris Benoit (on drugs and with a stint in rehab behind him) so just let him do that. RVD's beyond overrated, and I will be glad to see Triple H win next week and crush the hopes of any Rob Van Dam fan. He did NOTHING this week in the ring that looked remotely impressive. The Shawn Michaels/Vince McMahon segment was pretty good, and the Mickie James/Trish Stratus segment was damn good. I loved it, and Alexis Laree plays the crazed psychopath role really, really well. Overall, Raw could have been so much more this week, but sadly, it wasn't. If you're a Cena fan, I give it a thumbs up to see him look strong rolling in to Mania, but for me, I give it a thumbs down because this was something I didn't enjoy all that much.
Thumbs Down.