I’ll tell ya’, that MediaPlay needs to go out of business more often. As part of their big store closing blowout, I picked this thing up for about 11 bucks. I’m not a huge fan of modern rasslin’, but Royal Rumbles are usually a pretty enteraining 60-minute all-star game.
I was debating between puchasing this Rumble, or the 2003 version. The covers were my deciding factor..since the ‘03 version had a picture of a sweaty Triple H and the ‘05 version had a funny “West Side Story” picture. All of the wrestlers are wearing1960’s jackets, jeans and WIGS. Even Rey Mysterio, who has a wig on top of his mask. Next year, they should spoof “The Warriors”..hell, half of the typical rasslin’ locker room usually has painted faces, so there’s your Baseball Furies.
Coming to you from...Fresno on January 30, 2005 (I think), with 3 sets of commentators! Here’s Jim Ross the Southern Baptist Preacher along with Jerry “The King” Lawler. They brought back-up..in the form of the Spanish Announcers...and THEY brought back-up...in the form of Michael Cole and Tazz. Each Smackdown or RAW match is called by the respective team. The poor Spanish guys have to call EVERYTHING, though. Also of note, this is the first Rumble I've seen since the 1993 version.
Shawn Michaels vs. Edge
Some sort of blow-off for some sort of feud that I sort of didn’t follow. I’ll just copy and paste THAT particular sentence, since it applies to every match on this card! Edge attacks Michaels before the bell. The sight of a grown man in chaps must upset Edge as much as it does me. They go back and forth, which each guy controlling for about 5 minutes. Edge mocks Michaels, apes his ring antics and begins stomping to “tune up the band”. Edge lands a spear and applies a sideways sharpshooter leg-lock. Which the announce team observantly calls “that submission hold!”. Plenty of nearfalls follow, and Edge starts pulling his hair out at one point. Edge eventually steals the pin by grabbing the ropes and reversing a roll-up....aka, the Honkytonk Man-Ricky Steamboat IC title spot.
Backstage Wackiness 1: Eddie Guerrero and Ric Flair are invited by Teddy Long and Eric Bischoff to draw their Rumble numbers from the Big Shiny Gold Bingo Tumbler. Torrie Wilson and Christy Hemme are there to provide assitance. Flair is thrilled at his number, while Eddie is melancholy. Eddie gives Flair a good luck man-hug.....and we later find out that Guerrero pick-pocketed Flair and stole his number. Funny.
Backstage Wackiness 2: John Heidenreich is in the locker room saying that he doesn’t like caskets. Umm...who DOES, Chester?! Gene Snitksy walks in and says that he LIKES Heidenreich. Heidenreich LIKES him, too! Molly Holly and Spike Dudley are upset that their 2001 skits have been homoeroticlaly transferred to two big worthless lugs. Where’s the LIKE in that?
Video package of the Heidenreich-Undertaker feud. They had a lot of confrontations..and a CAR was involved! Of course, they skip the December 2004 Iraq match where Heidenreich wandered into the crowd for a countout (the only Smackdown show I watched in 2004..so I feel special and had to get that worthless fact in).
Casket Match: Undertaker vs. Heidenreich
Buncha’ monks (or 6 foot Jawas) wheel a casket to ringside. Back and forth brawling with minimal “action” for the first 8 minutes or so. Everytime Heidenreich punches Undertaker, he says “jab! jab!”,...shades of the Martians from the “Mars Attacks!” movie. Jim Brown could kick Heidenreich’s tushy. Suddenly, it’s “Cannnnnn you feel the LIKE toniiiight”as Heidenreich’s new LIKER, Snitsky, runs in to attack Taker. Suddenly, KANE pops out of the casket to help his brother (of destruction). So, umm... what would’ve happened if Taker had rolled Heidenreich into the casket BEFORE the Snitksy run-in? How could he have won? Logic in Wrestling! Kane and Snitsky brawl into the crowd and away from the ring. Unfortunately, Taker and Heidenreich don’t.Taker pounds on Heidi and sets him up for a casket-sandwich on the lid. Taker hits a legdrop to pound it home. Tombstone Piledriver follows and Taker deposits Heidi into the casket for the win.
Backstage Wackiness 3: Teddy Long gets Guerrero to returns Flair’s number. In doing so, Guerrero steals Flair’s wallet. They end the joke and the spotlight shifts to Evolution: Flair, Triple H and Batista. A dispute in strategy leads to Mounted Tensions between H and Batista.
Backstage Wackiness 4: Christian and John Cena face off after drawing their Rumble numbers. They go into a freestyle “rap” battle. Christian asks his flunky, Tyson Tomko, to “gimme a beat!”. Okay, that’s funny. Tomko ain’t buying..but a lame “rap” segment follows.
WWE Title match: JBL © vs. Big Show vs. Kurt Angle
A busted table spot takes out Big Show for the early duration.Like most 3-ways, (umm, okay, 3-ways involving guys...err, wrestlers, that is. In a FIGHT... err, nevermind), one guy conveinently gets taken out and lays down for awhile. JBL cues his run-in squad, with Doug Basham, Danny Basham and Orlando Jordan. Kurt Angle does the same with Mark Jindrak and Luther Reigns arrving. Show staggers Angle, then gets puled out by the flunkies. Jordan rolls JBL back into the ring, where JBL connects with a Clothesline From Hell to pin Angle and retain.
Backstage Wackiness 5: Batista is roaming around and meets Carlito. Batista declines to sign Carlito’s petition. A petition? Carlito missed his calling as an Internet Sci-Fi Fan, where he could generate a petition calling for the return of some obscure, crappy, cancelled TV show... like “Misfits of Science. Batista has a meeting with the Big Shiny Gold Tumbler, thens finds out that Evolution will not be allowed at ringside for the upcoming Triple H World Title defense.
World Heavyweight Championship: Triple H © vs. Randy Orton.
Orton needs LONG PANTS. Yesterday. Rather paint-by-numbers, with Triple H threatening to use his Sledgehammer That he Never Swings. Orton tries a DDT and is shoved off. His head hits the canvas and suddenly he has a “concussion”. Okay... fuck you, WWE. I’ve had 12 of the fuckers and there wasn’t one where I instantly hit something and started acting groggy. A concussion isn’t as cut-and-dry or as instant as a broken leg. I’m somewhat insulted that it was being used as a dumb storyline for some dweeb with tattoos and a speedo. Anyways, Triple H wins with his Pedigree manuever.
Backstage Wackiness 6: JBL and friends come in, dousing champagne everywhere. They’ve apparently added a Cute Brunette Chich Who I Don’t Recognize. Lazy broad...couldn’t make it down to ringside, earlier. Teddy Long informs the champ that he’ll have to defend the title against the Big Show in a Barbed Wire Match at the next PPV. Right on cue, we cut to Nunzio roaming the halls. Kurt Angle intimidates Nunzio and steals his Rumble number. But I thought Nunzio was a legit tough guy?
It Is Now Time...for The Royal Rumble.
90 second intervals...lame! In my day, they were 120 second intervals! And it was uphill to the ring, both ways. And we had to drag moves out of guys like Hillbilly Jim and Virgil.Wussies! Tazz and Jim Ross are in the merged commentary table. Tazz does absolutley nothing but say stuff like “c’mon, Smackdown! Let’s see some Smackdown guys!” Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit are #’s 1 and 2. They go at it, until Daniel Puder, a Tough Enough graduate comes out at #3 and cuts a promo on the house mic, declaring that he’ll win the thing. Edde and Benoit beat the hell out of him, until Hardcore Holly arrives at #4. Cuz’ if there’s a worthless white boy ya’ need to beat up, that’s a job for Holly. Holly shellacks Puder good and tosses him. Eddie and Benoit then toss Holly. Hurricane and Kenzo Suzuki come in for token appearances. Rey Mysterio, Edge, Chirs Jericho and Booker T file in.
Guys are actually doing more than hugging and grabbing the ropes, as they have micro-matches around the ring. Eric Bischoff and Teddy Longh come down to ringside and for a minute, a 4-on-4 Smackdown vs. RAW fight occurs.The pec-slapping ends when Muhammad Hassan makes it in. Everyone hates him, so they all team up and crowd-surf him over the top. On the way back, Hassan stops and beats the tar out of the entering Scotty 2 Hotty. WHY do people hate Hassan?! He just did a COOL THING!
Booker T decides to do his Spin-a-roonie, then gets dumped by Eddie. Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Hass and Rene Dupree arrive. Benjamin and Hass reprive the World’s Greatest Tag Team and work to eliminate someone (I think it was Simon Dean). Johnathan Coachman, Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle all enter. Coachman tries for “comedy” spots and hides outside the ring and beneath the turnbuckles. Michales quickly eliminates Angle with his superkcik. Angle is pissed, pulls out Michaels and introduces him to the steel steps.
More Guys of Mild Mention enter...and more Guys of Mild Mention are tossed. Viscera, Mark Jindrak, Gene Snitksy and Paul London. Snittksy and London do a little do-si-do on the ring apron. Snitksy clothesline London and London does a shooting-star press to the floor while selling the elimination. Batista, Kane, John Cena and, ultimately, Ric Flair fill out the entrants. Kane dishes out the obligatory chokeslams...and follows up his awesome display of might by eliminating....Mark Jindrak. Good thing Steve Lombardi wasn’t out there!
Batista and Flair dump Benoit finally.Flair tries to sneak an elimination on Batista, then downplays it. Edge sends Flair to the floor, and the Final Four consists of Rey, Edge, Cena and Batista. Edge dumps Rey while Cena and Batista brawl. Edge gets dumped and then there wuz two: Cena and Batista. Both guys try for their finishers and end up hitting the floor at the “same time”. Smackdown refs award the match to Cena, while RAW refs award it to Batista. Crowd seems to be favoring Cena a bit. Vince McMahon walks into the ring, blows his knee out in the process and declares that the “match must be re-started!” Okay...so all you 28 other guys, get out here, we’re gonna’ RE-START the MATCH!. Oh...I guess just these two final guys. Batista quickly sits his sit-down powerbomb and tosses Cena. Show officially ends, but the DVD version has a post-match congratulations from Cena to Batista.
Not an amazing show, but the Rumble itself was fairly entertaining. Not the worst, not the best... but in the upper half of Rumbles I’ve seen. The DVD also contains some “bonus” promos. Commericals for the show itself and a few promos from before and after the Rumble. If I ever decide to watch this show again, I’ll probably skip the undercard and just watch the Rumble.
Gah, I keep forgetting to get me a copy of this show, just for the sake of having all of the rumble shows. :P
Was that brunette Amy Webber?
Even though I know it wasn't the best Royal Rumble ever, I tend to love Rumbles and this was no exception. I was marking out big time for Rey Rey, as usual.
I have a soft spot for the Royal Rumble, and traditional Survivor Series.
I was actually thinking about doing a review of this show sometime. I tend to avoid reviewing the Rumble because I'm too lazy and there is so much going on during the actual match.
And I got dibs on all the good ones. :D
I got dibs on the '88 version!
But it caps off with a 2/3 Young Stallions/Islanders match...and I really can't get into the Jumping Bomb Angels and Glamour Girls.
I just wanted to say that the best part of the Royal Rumble show were the backstage bits with everyone getting his number. Obviously, the best parts were with Eddie. The Snitsky/Heidenreich backstage segment was also rather humourous.