WWE Backlash 2005
"One more match! One more match! One more match!"
- Finally, I can now review more current stuff. With my old reviewing style, there's no way I could really enjoy doing a PPV from the more "modern" time frame, since everything is the same and no one stands out from one another. No matter how much shit I give Vince Russo, at least he gave everyone a different character, no matter how dumb it was. The current crop of writers don't bother doing anything, other then telling someone to shave their head and wear generic speedos.
- Since this was a "Raw Exclusive PPV", the commentary is being handled by everyones favorite play-by-play team, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. Okay, by everyone I should say no one, since Jim Ross has rapidly declined over the years, and Lawler has sucked since the Attitude era began, when he started trying too hard to be "cool." I liked him better as the wise-guy who hated faces, not as "PUPPIES!" Lawler.
Heat Match #1: Val Venis vs. Tyson Tomko:
The usual match to stick on Heat before the Pay-Per-View. A somewhat talented Jobber and a Hoss that no one buys into as being worth a shit. In short, Val Venis for the former, and Tomko the latter. The crowd isn't much intot his one, as the decide to chant "We Want Christian" instead. Damn, WWE missed the boat on him. Sure, he wasn't anything special in the ring, but he was a good talker, and that's what really counts... oh wait, he was a midget. I forgot. Anyway, a total paint-by-numbers match sees Tomko win with a lame boot to the face at 5:41. And this was before the UFC crap kind of thing they tried with him, that again, on one bought into as being worth a damn, and now he's back on Heat doing nothing. Thank God. (1/2*)
PPV Match #1: WWE Intercontinental Championship Match:
Shelton Benjamin © vs. Chris Jericho:
I don't remember the build up for this, but it probably wasn't good, and I seem to remember Jericho singing a very special song abour Benjamin being an Ass-Clown. Benjamin, for those who forgot (which is likely), won the IC Title at Taboo Tuesday 2004 from Jericho. He did nothing of note as Champion since then, other than squashing Maven at New Years Revolution and doing some swank spots in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match at WrestleMania 21. Pretty good choice to officially open the show with, but Jericho seems to have been in a funk for the last few years, and his obvious moveset (I've been able to call his spots 15 seconds before he does them this year) hurts him more. That's what happens when you're buried so many times by the GAYME. Good mat-wrestling and countering sequence to open the match. Jericho kinda heels it up, and even does the arrogant posing pin for old times sake. Benjamin works in some cool acrobatic spots throughout the match that no one wants him to do because everyone has to be nuetered, and both men with some awesome reversal sequences towards the end of the match gets my attention. Jericho ends up taking the upperhand, but Benjamin counters the Walls of Jericho with a float-over cradle to retain the championship at 14:31. Like I said earlier, good way to open the show. You have Jericho, who is quite over with live crowds, and Benjamin, who pops the crowd with his unique (and fresh) moveset. Very good match, but a bit overrated by some. (***1/4)
- Backstage Interview conducted by the Coach with Edge, who runs down Chris Benoit, his opponent tonight in a Last Man Standing Match. Oh wait, Edge still hasn't used that Money in the Bank Contract. I wonder if the writer even remember it, since the deadline for using it ends in about 3 months, give or take a week or so.
PPV Match #2: WWE World Tag Team Titles; Tag Team Turmoil Match:
(Participants: William Regal & Tajiri ©, The Hurricane & Rosey, La Resistance, The Heart Throbs, Simon Dean & Maven)
It's the time honoured tradition in wrestling... when you have nothing better to do with the Tag Titles, just throw a bunch of teams into a match on PPV, with zero build up, and expect fans to care. Way to go, WWE Creative Team. You're certainly living up to your description. For those that don't remember, this match is held under Gauntlet Rules: 2 teams start. When 1 team is eliminated, another takes their place. This goes on until all the teams have competed, and the last team standing are the Tag Champions. Order of Entry: William Regal & Tajiri, The Heart Throbs, Simon Dean & Maven, La Resistance, and the Hurricane & Rosey.
It's pretty sad when I don't know the difference between Romeo and Antonio (The Heart Throbs), but it doesn't matter. They are as heatless as Gail Kim was, and have done nothing to impress anyone other than their quasi-gay ring entrance. That lasts a few minutes, and next is Simon Dean and Maven. That lasts a few minutes, and next is La Resistance, who lost a match on Heat 2 weeks earlier where they would never get another title shot if they lost. Yeah. That goes on a few minutes, La Resistance wins, and then job the titles to Hurricane and Rosey a few minutes later. To say I was surprised at who won would be an under statement. To say the Creative Team can't book a gauntlet match to save their lives is another under statement. The whole thing lasted about 13 minutes. Hard to rate, but I'll say it was a decent, if not heatless, collection of Heat matches. (**)
Order of Elimination: 1. Antonio pinned by Tajiri (3:09), 2. Simon Dean pinned by William Regal (2:24), 3. William Regal pinned by Rob Conway (3:05), 4. Rob Conway pinned by Hurricane (4:06)
PPV Match #3: Last Man Standing Match:
Chris Benoit vs. Edge:
Originally set up from WrestleMania 21, when Edge knocked Benoit off the ladder with a chairshot before taking possession of the Money in the Bank briefcase himself. This lead to a series of matches and brawls on Raw, until Eric Bischoff was fed up enough to book them into a Last Man Standing Match. I remember when they match actually had meaning, but you expect WWE to ruin everything at some point. Chris Benoit is still the best worker in WWE at this point, so I have faith in him getting a good match out of Edge. I know I say Christian is... uh, was, the pinnacle of "WWE Style", but Edge isn't too far behind. I should point out the crowd chants "We Want Matt" and other forms of chants that deal with the Matt Hardy Screwjob.
To sum up the match quickly, Benoit carries all of the psycology here with all of the near falls, but that comes with a price. Every time he makes the miraculous comeback at the counts of 8 and 9, it eats up about 30 second each (nice counting, ref'), and they do this a lot during the last 10 or so minutes, so basically the first 10 minutes is great, and the next 10 is flat. I make fun of this a lot, but both men bring the INTENSITY~! throughout the match, and Benoit takes a couple of sick bumps to make Edge look better than he is. After Edge fails to KO Benoit about 50 times, he pulls a brick out from his briefcase (didn't they do the same with I.R.S. back in 1993?), and knocks Benoit with a shot to the back of the head. Benoit is obviously down and out, and Edge is declared the Last Man Standing at 18:47. Good finish to a lack-luster last half. Not a classic match or anything, but it did it's job (sadly), and made Edge look like a threat to someone. (***1/2)
- Worthless Segment hosted by Jerry Lawler with random no-name WWE Diva's that were fired about a week later after Vince McMahon fucked them all in his office. Chris Masters thankfully(?) interrupts this suckfest, to continue his Mastercock Challenge. This time he chooses a dude... I mean a chick who looks like a dude (Chyna's kid sister?), and lays him out with the Masterlock (Full Nelson). If this isn't the definition of worthless time spent on a PPV, I don't know what is...
PPV Match #4: Kane (w/ "Tiny Tim" Lita) vs. Viscera (w/ Trish Stratus):
Okay, maybe this. Blech! I'm sure I bitched about this plenty of times when the angle started, but what the fuck did Kane do to deserve this?! Viscera was made a bitch by the Undertaker in about a minute back in September 2004, but now he's suddenly capable of holding his own with Kane, who was booked to be superior to the Undertaker? Logic in Wrestling. Viscera is only doing this because Trish offered him some ass to take Kane out, and really, who can blame him? The match is about as good as you could expect, and the crowd pays more attention chanting at Lita that she "Screwed and/or Fucked Matt" and other things that aren't nice. Oh yeah, and we get "Let's Go Mabel" chants, too. Not much of note happens. Highspot is Kane doing his flying clothesline to the outside, which he rarely does because of his brittle bones. Kane thankfully wins this in short order with a sorry looking chokeslam at 6:09, since Vis' is incapable of jumping higher than 2 inches off the ground. After the match, Trish insults Viscera, so he beats her up so she can get her neck surgery done, and turning face in the process. Viscera is the world's biggest love machine! (*)
PPV Match #5: Hulk Hogan & Shawn Michaels vs. Muhammad Hassan & Koshrow Daivari:
This was the only reason I wanted to see the Pay-Per-View, for the obvious reasons. Flashback to the 2005 Hall of Fame Ceremony. Hulk Hogan is inducted to a standing ovation that could've gone on forever, including a chant for "one more match" (they also chanted for Hogan/Austin, but that'll never happen thanks to Austin's attitude problem). To the night after WrestleMania: Hassan and Daivari do a beat down on HBK. HBK wants a handicap match, but Bischoff says he needs a partner. At the time I was thinking Marty Jannetty (who WWE briefly brought back), but instead asked for Hogan. Now to the Raw at MSG a few weeks later. Another beatdown is done, but this time Hogan runs in to make the save, making his first appearence at MSG since July 24th, 2003, where he wrestled his (at the time) last match in the WWE. Hassan and Daivari enter first, to the awesome generic Arabic theme. Michaels enters next, dancing around like a fag the whole time. About a minute is used to give the crowd a chance to explode while spotlighting a bunch of people either in Hulkamania merchandise or holding up signs praising him. The second "Real American" blares over the arena sound system, the crowd gives what I honest to God believe is the largest pop I've ever heard for a WWE Superstar, and I've seen WrestleMania X-Seven, WrestleMania X-8, and Canadian Stampede.
Once the match begins though, it's back to... fantasy world. Sorry, whenever Hogan is on, I turn back into a mark, and don't give a rats ass what stars, workrate, and backstage politics are. I just want to watch because I enjoy it, and if no one can understand that, then you can go somewhere nice and warm, and I don't mean Hawaii. To be somewhat subjective, the match is nothing special, as the faces dominate a good portion of the match, and the heat segments for the heels to work over them don't last very long. The good about this is the crowd is into this one the whole way, despite the limitations of Hogan, the suck of Hassan, and Daivari had been promoted as a non-wrestling mouth piece. I'm a bit disappointed by the finish, as Hogan never does his signature leg drop (he somewhere during his "retirement" had hip replacement surgery, so he probably wasn't sure how it would effect him. Since then, he's done it plenty of times), and makes the cover on Daivari after Michaels does "Sweet Chin Music" at 15:14. After the match, Hogan and Michaels pose to Real American for about 5 minutes, then bring a fat guy into the ring to show off a Hogan tattoo on his back. Ugh... this guy is like the model of what Triple H and JBL think what Internet geeks are, and I can't blame them. Yuck. Anyway, again, the match wasn't that good, but it was very entertaining, and that's what matters most. (**1/4)
- Christian and Tyson Tomko come to the ring to eat up more time, but thankfully Christian makes this a fairly enjoyable segment, as he busts out a rap to continue his teased potential feud with John Cena, despite Cena being the World Champion on Smackdown. Anyway, here's what Christian says, for those who don't know...
"On RAW you've got Batista with muscles to spare, but he's got charisma like Tomko's got hair.
You've got HHH and Ric Flair, their legend still grows. 26 titles between them, and the world's biggest nose.
Have you heard the one about JBL, you know the rich guy on Smackdown? Well I hear his taxes are still soaring, but he's no wrestling god, just a god of boring.
Seems to me I'm forgetting somebody. Who am I forgetting? Oh yeah, he's the guy who inspired this little rap, the WWE champion, John Cena.
Well I got a little something for him.
Hey Cena, you think I'm jealous of your fortune and fame. Well you talk like Snoop Dogg, but you look like Corey Haim.
So after the draft, whether it's RAW or Smackdown, JR or Michael Cole, I will be champion, because that's how I roll!"
PPV Match #6: WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match:
Batista © vs. Triple H (w/ Ric Flair):
Another (re)match set up from events that happend at WrestleMania 21, where Batista pinned Triple H for the World Title. However, everyone will remember it more for Triple H out-shining Batista by having an elaborate entrance complete with Motorhead singing his entrance, and like at WrestleMania X-Seven, forgeting damn near every word in the song. The storyline going into the match was that if Triple H hit the pedigree, Batista couldn't kick out. Yes, that's the whole plot. The match itself is nothing special, but it's marginally better than their match at WrestleMania. Batista is extremely limited in the ring, and Triple H is hardly the man to carry him to a memorable match. Fast forward to the finish since the entire match means nothing, as Triple H hits the pedigree, but referee Mike Chioda had been bumped before hand. After a lot of nonsense, Batista nails a fluke sit-out Powerbomb (cleverly dubbed the "Batista-Bomb), and retains the title at 16:22. After the match, Triple H vents his frustrations on a referee, then even shoves down Ric Flair, his mentor, idle, and bed fellow. You know he's pissed off! OOOH! Tune into Raw to find out the conclussion to this awesome storyline. Vanilla match with an over-booked finish, but it was better than I was expecting it to be. (**)
Final Thoughts: While nothing on this Pay-Per-View was out-right awful, nothing really stood out as awesome. The opener was pretty good, as was the Last Man Standing Match. Hogan/HBK vs. Arab-Americans, Batista/HHH, and the Gauntlet Tag were all either entertaining or "perfectly acceptable", but nothing really grabs the attention of viewers. From my POV, it's an enjoyable PPV in a sea of awful ones, but it isn't great, so I'll give it a Mild Recommendation/Thumbs Up.