- After being entertained with a somewhat enjoyable review last time, it's now the time to take a look at the Dark Side of wrestling... Coliseum Videos. Now don't get me wrong, Coliseum has released some classic stuff here and there in between the mounds of horrible garbage that would make Vince Russo vomit with rage, and sometimes 7 horrible matches is worth it for 1 great one. This tape is not one of those. It sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks. Since I really can't come up with anything else to say without insulting the tape anymore, let's go to the video and observe how horrible it really is....
- This instalment of the Best of the WWF series is hosted by Mean Gene Okerlund, Frenchie Martin, and OutBack Jack... yes, as painful as it sounds. Not to waste my time, but we basically just hear them ramble in between matches, and Okerlund cycles through stereotype costumes representing each country that the matches come from. Shockingly, he doesn't dress up as a taco or something when we get to Puerto Rico. (Note: I know that's Mexican stereotypes, but remember, this is the company that assumes someone is either from "Korea" or "Puerto Rico", and not actual cities... or in Korea's case, North or South)
- Tatsumi Fujinami vs. The Giant Machine:
We're in Japan for this one, and what an unusual choice for a WWF Coliseum Video. For those that don't remember, The Giant Machine was Andre The Giant under a mask and pretending he was from Japan. All commentary is the original from each show, meaning the Japan matches are in Japanese, France in French, so on and so forth. Giant Machine plays the heel of the match, and seems to have a Jimmy Hart style manager with him, but who knows who he is. Fujinami kicks away at the left leg of Giant Machine to start, so Machine grabs him by the hair and drops him with a chop. Giant Machine with a suplex, then comes down with a headbutt. Fujinami rolls to the outside as Machine sells the leg. Fujinami tries for a lockup, but Giant Machine has him in some kind of chicken wing, and squeezes his arm pit... that's something you don't see every day. Fujinami eventually escapes by trying to rip off Giant Machine's mask, but that doesn't work, and Giant Machine goes to the vile vulcan neck pinch. Fujinami makes it to the ropes, giving Machine a chance to choke him across the top. Giant Machine continues to bring the pain, but a double leg takedown puts Giant Machine down, and Fujinami somehow applies a lion-tamer (modified Boston Crab)! Andre makes it to the ropes and comes back with a series of elbows to the face. Fujinami ducks under a big boot and drops Giant Machine with an enziguri. He stomps away at the Giant, getting the crowd behind him, but another Machine headbutt ends that. Irish whip, and Fujinami sunset flips the Giant Machine(!), but the referee is distracted, so Fujinami beats up the referee for the Disqualification at 5:29. *1/4 Not as bad of a match as I was expecting, but not very good either, and thankfully the match was kept as short as possible. Giant Machine continues the attack after the bell, and sends Fujinami running after a clothesline. Well, that wasn't the greatest post-match I've ever seen...
- Video of Gene Okerlund touring what apparently is "Tokyo, Japan." I see a lot of Japanese people, so maybe they really are in Japan. Maybe it's one of those New York cities where one race of people lives in and claims it "Little (Blank)." Gene goes to a record store and they actually are selling the WWF Wrestling Album, with the cover printed in Japanese.
- The Jumping Bomb Angels vs. Bull Nakano & Kandori Saito:
Note: I'm taking a blind stab at Nakano's partner, since the Japanese ring announcer has marbles in his mouth, and it sounds right to me. The Bomb Angels are Itsuki Yamakazi and Noriyo Tateno if my searching is correct, and if not, humor me. This is one odd selection for the WWF, and that's really all I can say. Bull Nakano is the same from 1994-95 WWF, but about 50 pounds thinner, and half of her head is shaved. Nakano/Saito attack at the bell. Nakano stomps Yamakazi, so Tateno comes in and takes her down with a double under-hook suplex for a two count. Nakano slams Tateno down, but gets caught in a body scissors. Lots of screaming going on, and the action is hard to keep up with. Nakano counters the hold into a Texas Cloverleaf, and Saito comes in with a leg drop. Irish whip, and Nakano with a big boot to the midsection, followed by choking. Tateno with a school boy out of nowhere for a two count, and here comes Saito to slam her face into the canvas. Yamakazi tags in, but quickly is put in a body scissors. She counters that and puts Saito into a modified surfboard. Irish whip, and Yamakazi with a running high knee, then goes to the head scissors. Saito escapes and chokes her down, with a little help from Nakano. Saito with a snapmare, followed by more rearranging of the face of Yamakazi. Surfboard submission by Saito and the camera man takes a classy shot between the legs of the Bomb Angel. Tateno tags back in and throws Saito down. Saito with a double leg sweep, but both are in the ropes. Nakano tags in with a series of boots to the chest, followed by a knee drop. Nakano springboards off the middle rope with a knee to the chest, and more vicious screaming chokes. This goes on for a while. Tateno comes back with a slingshot cross body press and missile dropkick for a two count. Under-hook suplex and flying knee drop double team from the Bomb Angels, followed by a double dropkick. Saito tags in and is put down several times by Yamakazi dropkicks. Scoop slam for a two count by Yamakazi. Irish whip, and Saito comes off the ropes with a roll up for a two count. Tateno comes in and quickly applies a Figure-Four on Saito. Saito makes it to the ropes, so Tateno takes her over with a back suplex for a two count. Cross body press off the top gets another two count. Yamakazi comes in with ruthless aggression, but gets taken down and Nakano beats on her with a pair of Nunchukus. No disqualification? Nakano with a suplex for a two count. Irish whip, and Yamakazi comes off the ropes with a cross body. Tatento tags in to beat the shit out of Nakano with stomps. Irish whip is reversed, and Nakano catches her off the ropes with a choke lift. Tateno escapes, but misses a missile dropkick. The action spills outside the ring, and we get a double Count-Out at 11:14, even though several of the participants were on the apron, and the referee could clearly see this time Nakano was using Nunchukus. **1/4 Good match, even though I'm not the biggest fan of women's wrestling, especially when there's so much screaming going on. This, I hate to say (not because of the participants' gender) is the Match of the Tape, giving me no hope for real entertainment for the next hour or so.
- Next on the tape is a squash match featuring Mr. Fuji from Kuwait, but the quality of the footage isn't the best, I have no idea who he's wrestling, and it only lasts about 2:30 because it's Joined in Progress (JIP, for future reference). The high spot of the match is a head scissors from Mr. Fuji, and finishing the poor guy off with a Cobra Clutch. No rating, since I can't really rate it. The commentary is pretty funny. Just imagine the Iron Sheik trying to speak English, and there you go.
- The Killer Bees vs. Iron Mike Sharpe & Barry O:
From Puerto Rico, during an outdoor event that was lucky enough to have a rainstorm began a few matches into it. Gorilla Monsoon provides commentary, and it's the only match with any English speaking commentary, so enjoy it while you can. Barry O and Sharpe were both Jobbers at the time, but you may remember Barry O as one of the stool-pigeons during the Pat Patterson sex scandal from 1992. Brunzell and Sharpe lockup to start. Brunzell with a wristlock, and I notice that the ring is really fucking small, and cheaply made. Sharpe accidentally knocks his partner off the apron, giving us tension between the teams barely 30 seconds into the match. Brunzell continues to work the wristlock, and Brian Blair tags in to bar the arm. Most of the arena (at least what's visible) is empty, but some of the people are still in the front rows. Barry O tags in to pound on Brunzell, and takes him over with a snapmare. Brunzell mounts a comeback with punches, followed by a snapmare and rake of the eyes. Blair in to send Barry O into the corner, and it's basically a punching/resting match since they can't do anything else without slipping around. Sharpe tags back in to pound on the midsection of Brunzell. Sharpe talks smack with Blair while Barry O chokes Brunzell. Brunzell slips around a bit before whipping cradling him for the victory out of nowhere at 4:11. * No, I'm not giving the match this rating because it was worth anything, it's just one of those pity ratings because of what they had to go through out there. The plus side is the match was pretty short.
- The Ultimate Warrior vs. Hercules:
Oh sweet lord, I hope this one is going to be short. We're in Milan, Italy, if my memory is correct, but the important thing is they are in Italy, and the city doesn't matter to Gene Okerlund (or anyone else, really). Smack talk from Hercules while Warrior snarls like a retard. Plenty of stalling before the match from both men. Lockup finally, but no one gets the upper hand on that one. Lockup #2, and again, it doesn't really go anywhere for either man. Warrior shoves off Hercules into the corner on the third lockup, but instead of following up, decides to pose. Hercules bounces off the ropes with a shoulder block, but Warrior doesn't budge. Warrior with a shoulder block attempt, and Hercules goes down. As exciting as it sounds, folks. They exchange weak blows, with Warrior coming on top with double chops to the neck. Irish whip, and Warrior drops Hercules with a clothesline. Press slam by Warrior, but he splashes the knees of Hercules (with horrible camera work to boot). Hercules slaps on the Full Nelson, but doesn't have the fingers locked, which means Warrior can break it. Hercules knocks Warrior to the outside and comes off the apron with a sledge. Weak brawling leads to a double count-out at 4:24. DUD Not much of a match really, considering they did nothing for the first two minutes, but the good news once again is that the match was kept rather short. It didn't make it any better, but it wasn't any worse than some of their other suck-fests.
- "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Andre The Giant:
Once again from Italy, and we can pinpoint this being after WrestleMania IV, which is when the angle between these two started (Andre cost Duggan his 1st Round Match, for those who would like to forget that show). As per usual for Andre matches post-heel turn, he stalls forever because he couldn't go any longer than a few minutes in the ring. Duggan dances around like he's Muhammad Ali, because Andre is too big and slow to catch him. Duggan tries coming off the ropes with something, but gets floored with a big punch, and Andre suffocates him with his arm. Big chop and headbutt by Andre sends Duggan outside of the ring. Andre mocks Duggan with a "Ho!" to the crowd. Duggan comes back in and quickly gets choked down. Duggan busts out with some roundhouse rights, but is put down with a big chop and knee to the face. Andre with butt-squashes in the corner. Crowd pops for Andre mocking Duggan again. Duggan escapes Andre's butt, and puts Andre down after some mounted punching. Duggan stomps away at Andre and chokes him with his boot, giving Andre a taste of his own medicine. Andre doesn't stay down for long though, and chokes him again. This goes on forever until Duggan knocks Andre loopy, giving Andre a chance to do his special move: getting trapped in the ropes. Duggan chokes, because he can't do anything else. Andre finally gets out of the ropes and works Duggan over as the crowd chants "Hogan." Duggan catches Andre off guard in the corner, but Andre fend him off with a headbutt. Andre boots Duggan in the corner, and a "splash" (more like falling on his knees and landing gently on top of Duggan) ends this one at 6:56. DUD Not bad enough to dip into the negative stars, because it was kept reasonably short, but this is one of those matches where I wouldn't make my worst enemy watch it. After the match, Duggan beats on Andre with his 2x4, because that's what all baby faces do.
- Mean Gene is in some kind of jungle area with a bunch of WWF's top stars, like Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat... Paul Roma... SPECIAL DELIVERY JONES?! OK, maybe I was being a bit untrue about that top stars portion, but hey, if WWE can get away with it and produce a main event featuring two low-card wrestlers, then so be it.
- Next up is a compilation of OutBack Jack vignettes. Before we get to it though, obvious mocking from a certain movie has Gene "shaving" with a small knife, then Jack saying "you call that a knife? This is a knife..." These were actually done very well to promote OutBack Jack, but someone forgot that he had to actually wrestle, and within 6 months of his debut, OoutBack was relegated to JTTS status, and often was on the losing end of brisk matches usually fit for unknown talent enhancement.
- Junkyard Dog vs. King Harley Race:
We're in Paris, France for the rest of the tape, and God Dammit, here's Andre the Giant again, this time acting as the "Special Referee." Of course he's not going to help fellow stable mate Harley Race, because heels never do that when pulling this sort of gimmick. I wonder if the crowd is behind Andre, since he's from Grenoble, in the French Alps. It sounds like Frenchy Martin is doing french commentary with some other guy. Lockup into the ropes, and Race misses some cheap shots. JYD nails one of his own, so Andre lectures him. Lockup #2 into the corner, and Race gets whipped to the opposite corner, and tumbles out (a spot stolen by Triple H). Race takes control in the ring, and takes over JYD with a gut-wrench suplex. JYD no sells a headbutt, because black and Samoan people have hard heads, and white people don't. JYD applies a standing side headlock, but Race makes it to the ropes to escape. Damn, this match is really boring. I'm talking HBK/HHH Hell in a Cell Boring. Andre pulls back JYD from beating up Race in the corner, giving Race a chance to cheap shot him and drop an elbow for a two count. Reverse chinlock applied by Race, and now I got to hit fast forward. Andre continues to lecture JYD for "Cheating." JYD with a side Russian leg sweep, but Andre ignores the cover. Race beats on JYD more, goes to another headlock, and I fast forward more. Andre continues the helping of race, borderline on ridiculous. JYD no sells some rights from Race. JYD nails the Thump (Powerslam), but Andre won't count. Race is back on his feet and connects with a belly-to-belly suplex. Race misses a headbutt, and JYD nails his signature headbutt spot... until Andre field goal kicks him out of the ring and Disqualifies JYD at 10:17 for whatever reason he wants. -* I hardly dip into negative scale ratings for Coliseum Video exclusives, but the match was just that bad, and absolutely painful to sit through. Barely went 10 minutes, but it felt a hell of a lot longer than that, and the point of a clearly bias referee gets a little silly when he's involved that much.
- The Rougeau Brothers vs. Greg "The Hammer" Valentine & Dino Bravo:
The final match of the tape, and it couldn't have come any sooner... wait, that's a lie. It could've come after the women's tag match about 20 minutes into the tape! We join the match already in progress, with Bravo doing a little jig and spitting at Jacques Rougeau. Hammer and Bravo double team Raymond behind the referees back, and Valentines covers for a two count. Shoulder breaker by Valentine gets another two count. Valentine and Raymond get to play a game of "you hold my hands down and I keep kicking out until I knee you in the balls in the front of the referee." Bravo tags in and works over Raymond with nothing of note. Irish whip, and Bravo applies a bear-hug. Valentine tags in now and snap-mares Raymond over. Figure Four attempt is countered with a horribly inside cradle, which doesn't get any kind of count. Valentine applies a front facelock, meaning Jacques will tag in, but the referee won't see it... wait, instead, the "tag" is made, but Jacques feet weren't planted, so it doesn't count. I haven't seen that done in at least 15 years. Raymond continues being assaulted outside the ring, despite the protests of Jacques. Bravo and Valentine alternate beating up Raymond in the ring, and it's just boring crap. Raymond with a surprise back slide, but it only gets a two count. Valentine and Raymond exchange blows, with Valentine coming out on top of that. Raymond comes off the ropes and sunset flips Bravo for a two count. Bravo is up quick though, and nails his signature Side Suplex, but misses a follow-up elbow drop. Jacques finally gets the hot tag and beats on Valentine. Bravo comes in and is taken over with a back drop, followed by a dropkick. Irish whip and dropkick to Valentine. Scoop slam by Jacques, and he comes off the second rope with a forearm to the chest for a two count. All hell breaks loose, and the former New Dream Team are whipped into each other. Jacques applies a sleeper hold on Valentine, but Bravo breaks it with a sledge to the back of the head. Double slam by Valentine and Bravo, but Raymond outsmarts everyone and sunset flips Valentine for the victory at 9:36, despite being the illegal man. * As pedestrian as a match as you could expect from the Rougeau's, who didn't do too much, and Valentine/Bravo were obviously in cruise-control for the entire match (or I should say, what's shown from it). More good news: It was the last match of the tape, and now I can sign off with this review.
The Report Card: Pure shit. I can't sum it up anymore and need no more than those two words to describe this tape. Obviously, whoever thought this edition of the "Best of the WWF" series did this as a joke, but someone higher up than him on the food chain probably thought he was serious and went through with it anyway. Only one match breaks the "**" barrier, which is never a good sign, and three matches featuring Andre The Giant way past-his-prime is not something to look forward to. I give credit for the women's tag looking remotely good, but everything else is total crap.
Final Grade: F
Possibly the worst Coliseum Video ever released. At least other nominations like Best of the WWF Vol. 8 had two kick ass matches. This has NOTHING that most casual fans would want to see. Next time I'll probably select a tape that won't make me wish death on myself, but until next time...