Monday Night Raw
October 30th 2005
-The show kicks off with Eric Bischoff and Chris Masters heading to the ring. Bischoff announces a special Masterlock Challenge featuring Rey Mysterio! Mysterio comes out with Theodore Long and decides to battle Masters instead of letting Masters put the Masterlock on him. This brawl brings out both Raw and Smackdown superstars. Smackdown gets the upper hand, unloading all the Raw guys out. I notice Christian is amongst the Smackdown guys (along with Hardcore Holly, JBL, and Matt Hardy), which is funny since he quit the company earlier today. This was not a bad opening segment at all, I actually enjoyed it.
Kurt Angle vs Tajiri
Hey, only 13 minutes into Raw and we’re having a match? Triple H and the McMahons must be taking the night off or something. So, I wonder who will win this match. It might be Angle. Just guessing though. They tie up, and Angle lifts up Tajiri for a slam. Angle kicks away in the early going before Tajiri can even stand up. Angle brings Tajiri back into a vertical position for a clothesline. Angle goes for a cover, but to no success. Angle dominates further with a backbreaker. Tajiri mounts some weak chops before being caught in an overhead belly to belly suplex from Angle. Angle puts Tajiri in a leg scissors, and stretches the mouth of Tajiri for good measure. Tajiri has his shoulders down, but the stupid referee doesn’t think to count. Tajiri, still caught in the leg scissors, hits some chops on Angle and escapes. Angle puts Tajiri in the corner and stomps a mud hole. See, if this were a TNA squash match it would have been over by now so not to waste our time. Angle methodically punches away at Tajiri, until getting kicked in the head. Tajiri counters a back suplex and hits a sick kick to Angle’s temple. Tajiri goes for the cover, but Angle somehow kicks out before the count of three. Tajiri and Angle trade some punches until Tajiri hits a nice dropkick to the face of Kurt Angle. Tajiri hits some more kicks and traps Angle into the Tarantula. Angle quickly reverses this into an ankle lock and Tajiri quickly taps out at 4:03. This was kind of long for a squash match, but it was nice to see Tajiri get some token offense in. ½*
Winner: Kurt Angle
-Angle gets on the microphone and talks some trash to John Cena. Angle doesn’t care who the third man is in the triple threat at Taboo Tuesday, because Angle will walk out the WWE Champion either way. Angle reminisces about all the times he has beaten John Cena (recently of course, none of their old Smackdown matches are mentioned). Angle wants to show some footage of these feats, but this brings out John Cena, who unloads Angle from the ring. Hey, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say Cena and Angle are feuding!
-After a commercial, we get a video package reliving the Triple H/Ric Flair feud. This is basically many shots of Flair in his glory days, with Triple H’s lengthy babbling session from a few weeks ago playing over it. This is probably the fourth Triple H feud in the past few years based around Triple H feuding with a “former best friend.” When will people realize that Triple H makes for a bad friend? Apparently not Shawn Michaels, Kevin Nash, Batista, or Ric Flair. The package is still going on, I suppose it has the potential to go 20 minutes since it is set to a Triple H promo. The package finally ends and they still haven’t answered my question: is Ric Flair’s Intercontinental Championship on the line at Taboo Tuesday?
-Ric Flair comes out to the arena with a microphone. Flair starts talking from the stage, which probably means Triple H will blindside him, bloody him up, and build up their Taboo Tuesday match. Amazingly that does not happen, as the segment ends and we turn to promotion for a Stone Cold/Jonathan Coachman encounter, schedule for later tonight. Also, Shawn Michaels vs John Cena will happen later. Smell the star ratings.
Rob Conway vs Eugene
We see some footage of Conway beating Koko B. Ware on Heat. I would have watched that match, but the WWE.com video features don’t play well on my computer. Eugene storms the ring and aggressively fires away at Conway. Eugene violently rams Conway’s head into the turnbuckles and sends him fleeing the ring. Conway goes for a steel chair, but Eugene follows up on the attack before Conway can use it. The action spills back into the ring, where Conway takes the upper hand. Conway sends Eugene into the ropes and puts him down with an elbow. Conway slaps the back of Eugene’s head, before putting him back into the corner for some punches. You just gotta love the WWE move set. Eugene fights back with an elbow, but gets caught in a bodyslam from the Con Man. Conway goes back to slapping the back of Eugene’s head, which is always useful when it comes to winning matches. Conway chokes Eugene, which lights a fire in Eugene. Eugene hulks up and steals Hogan’s routine. Eugene goes for a stunner, Conway reverses, but Eugene gets a Rock Bottom on Conway. Eugene goes for the cover, but Conway gets a foot on the ropes. Conway goes to the outside of the ring and grabs the steal chair, this time hitting Eugene in the head for the DQ loss at about 2:47. ½* Conway continues the assault with the chair, until Hacksaw Jim Duggan comes down to the ring for the save. They are soon joined by Kamala and Jimmy Snuka, as they beat down the young guy. Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler runs into the ring wearing a Burger King mask and joins the other “legends” in the beat-down. Conway better go over at Taboo Tuesday for this.
Winner by disqualification: Eugene
-Backstage, Todd Grisham is with Gregory Helms, who just scowls and does not say anything because we wouldn’t want him to get over. Mick Foley enters and informs Grisham that he has a “big surprise” in store for Carlito. I assume this non-wrestling segment is up next.
-On WWE Unlimited, Eric Bischoff announces that at Taboo Tuesday, it will no longer be a handicap match featuring Rob Conway against Eugene and a legend. It will now be a tag team match, with Tyson Tomko working as Conway’s partner. Oh boy!
-The WWE Slam of the Week takes a look at Stephanie McMahon kicking Mick Foley in the junk and setting him up for a beat down from Carlito.
-After the break, Carlito is in the ring. Carlito puts over his match against Foley at Taboo Tuesday. The fans will be voting on which personality Foley will be at Taboo Tuesday, either Cactus Jack, Mankind, or Dude Love. Suddenly, Dude Love shows up on the titantron, and asks the fans to consider him for the match. Suddenly, Dude Love morphs into Cactus Jack, who threatens Carlito with the possibility of thumb tacks, barbed wire, and pain! Jack morphs into Mankind who cuts an old fashioned Foley promo. I really hope Mankind wins the voting, which this segment seems to be encouraging. Carlito is left standing in the ring, stunned at what he just witnessed. Coach, from the commentator’s booth, gets a microphone and reminds Carlito that regardless of which personality Foley uses, he will be wrestling Mick Foley regardless. Coach takes this opportunity to call out Stone Cold and heads to the ring. This is setting up what will be the second straight non-wrestling segment.
-For those keeping track, this means the first hour of Raw will have featured two matches that were about seven minutes together. This will be important to keep in mind when I do my TNA iMPACT review within the next couple of days.
-After the break, Coach is still in the ring and he is calling out Stone Cold. On a side note, since it’s Halloween, Coach is dressed as Stone Cold tonight, which has actually been somewhat amusing. Coach introduces the man who will be in his corner at Taboo Tuesday, and it is… GOLDUST! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? This is probably the most random comeback of recent memory. I guess I am marking out a tad bit, but this is really weird. This leaves me wondering if this is a one-shot deal or is Goldust under contract again. Coach now threatens Austin to come out to the ring, before he and Goldust go out back to get Austin. We don’t get Austin, but Vince McMahon comes out. I’m still disgusted with him over that colon surgery segment from last week, so I’ll try to forget about that. Vince tells us that Austin was involved in an accident over the weekend, and will not be at Taboo Tuesday tomorrow night, or will be at Raw tonight. Vince speculates that the accident is just a cover because Austin is scared, and he awards the Taboo Tuesday victory to Coach. Vince tells Coach that he will still compete at Taboo Tuesday against… FUNAKI! Who is booking this? Funaki then comes out and heads into the ring, to take a microphone. Goldust and Coach beat down Funaki, and I am indeed puzzled. Coach tells Vince he can handle bigger competition than Funaki. Coach says that if anyone else from the Smackdown locker room wants him at Taboo Tuesday, he will face him. This brings out… BATISTA? Good lord, Raw is just full of random surprises tonight. I am watching a segment of Raw featuring Coach, Goldust, Funaki, and Batista… I never dreamed I would type that sentence. Batista makes his way to the ring and takes off his suit jacket, presumably for a fight. Coach takes a swing at Batista, which leads to Goldust jumping Batista. This brings out VADER! Batista is meanwhile destroying Goldust in the ring, hitting his signature spots. Vader then tackles Batista and I cannot believe I am witnessing this segment. Vader beats down Batista, and backs up the ramp with Coach. I am left feeling dumbfounded by what I just watched. I guess this means that we are getting Batista vs Coach at Taboo Tuesday.
-I spend the commercial break trying to make sense of that segment at Da Wrestling Board. I am surprised Mark Henry did not come out during that mess to challenge Vader for no reason.
-We are treated to some footage of the WWE visiting Australia. The Australian fans are always so enthusiastic, it is heart-warming. The WWE stars discuss how “rewarding” it is to perform in front of those appreciative fans, which I always take as a subtle “fuck you” to American fans who like to sit there bored during their shows. Not that I blame American fans, since WWE has really burnt us several times in the past few years and all.
Triple H vs Viscera
Hey, it’s Triple H! And he is here to wrestle instead of talk for twenty minutes! Or so we are lead to believe, as his match with Viscera last week never got started due to a Ric Flair run-in. I guess this is making up for the classic that we were deprived of last week, let us thank WWE for rewarding us with this sure to be five star match. Triple H pushes the ropes into the groin of Big Vis as Viscera tries to enter the ring over the top rope. Triple H aggressively punches away at Viscera, and sets him up for a pedigree immediately! Triple H rolls Viscera over for the cover at 0:48! I am heavily tempted to put this in the negative stars, but I will be nice and give it a DUD. This was your typical selfish Triple H performance, as he should not have gone over a 500 lb. man that easily. After the match, Triple H takes some steel steps and rams them into Viscera’s head.
Winner: Triple H
-Triple H gets on the microphone and cuts another promo on Ric Flair. Triple H says he does a lot of bad things in his life, but he is held responsible for his actions… but he will not be held responsible for what he is going to do to Flair at Taboo Tuesday. He won’t do this because he wants to, but because he has to… because that’s who he is. Triple H did a great job of botching this feud all by himself. I thought it was going to be a feud he would want to drag out over several months, but I really cannot see it lasting past tomorrow night at this point.
-WWE Raw is once again the top rated show on cable television. Coach and King announce that the official theme song to Taboo Tuesday is “Twisted Transistor” by Korn. They run down the Taboo Tuesday card, and World Heavyweight Champion Batista vs Coach (with Goldust and Vader) has been added officially.
-Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with John Cena. Cena reminds Grisham that it was a Halloween party that got Cena started on rapping, while dressed as Vanilla Ice. Cena tells Grisham that he is as much fun as a farting contest, and encourages Grisham to use this costume party as his big break. They are going for a Kevin Kelly/The Rock type of chemistry here, and it really isn’t working. Cena gets to business and puts over his match with Shawn Michaels tonight, and puts over how he does not know if he will be facing Michaels, Big Show, or Kane at Taboo Tuesday. This turned into a solid promo by Cena, as he is clearly taking Taboo Tuesday seriously… unlike most WWE fans.
The Heart Throbs vs Big Show and Kane
This is a Texas Tornado match. Before the match, the Throbs are both wearing Batman masks. One of them says they were going to be Batman and Robin, but settled on being Batman and Batman! Hil-Arious! Since they are pairing Show and Kane up, I guess this means WWE is really counting on Shawn Michaels winning the voting for Taboo Tuesday. I just hope Kane’s back holds up. Kane and Show toss the Heart Throbs back into the ring, and proceed to destroy both of them. Kane and Show take turns doing the same moves on each member of the Heart Throbs, theoretically to upstage the other one. Big Show puts one of the Throbs on the top turnbuckle and hits a big suplex! That was actually pretty cool. Kane follows it up by hitting a big boot on the other Heart Throb and then going to the top turnbuckle for his big clothesline. Show and Kane are just toying with Antonio and Romeo now (whom I won’t even try to tell apart from each other). Show and Kane set each Heart Throb up for simultaneous chokeslams and they do a double pin for the victory at 2:58. The big suplex by Big Show raises this to ¼* This was a fitting way to get Kane and Big Show on television before Taboo Tuesday.
Winners: Kane and Big Show
Well, we have a diva segment and HBK/Cena left. I am guessing that Cena/HBK will go somewhat short.
-Jerry Lawler is in the ring, and it is time for some sort of diva segment. Lawler puts over the “Fulfill your fantasy” Diva battle royal at Taboo Tuesday. Apparently, the divas are having a costume contest tonight, so this should be tasteless. First, the Diva Search winner, Ashley, comes out dressed as a dark angel. Next is Maria, who is dressed as what Lawler describes as a “Victoria’s Secret angel!” Candice Michelle comes out dressed as Catwoman, and she puts Halle Berry in her place. Next is Alexis Laree… er, I meant Mickie James. Mickie is dressed as Trish Stratus, even carrying a phony Women’s Championship belt. Wow, they are using a T&A segment to further an angle, I am impressed. Victoria comes out dressed as a baseball player, complete with a Chicago White Sox hat. Victoria has a bat with her, my money says she lays someone out with it before this is over. Lastly, Trish Stratus comes out dressed as Wonder Woman. Trish actually makes a good Wonder Woman, I am slightly impressed. Lawler is having the fans judge the winner of this costume contest. The crowd pops big for Ashley and Maria as the opposite angels, but Mickie James interrupts and whines that the crowd should be chanting for Trish. Victoria steps in and puts Mickie in her place. Victoria is about to swing the bat at Mickie, but Trish saves her. This somehow turns into the divas ganging up on Candice. Trish ends up hitting the Chick Kick on Victoria, and this segment ended up being decent.
John Cena vs Shawn Michaels
Anyone else think John Cena might actually lose the title at Taboo Tuesday? For some reason, I have a feeling he will. I will also be shocked if this match does not end with a disqualification. The bell rings, and Cena and HBK take a moment to size each other up. They go nose to nose, and HBK offers a handshake to Cena. They shake hands, and HBK immediately chops Cena afterwards. They circle each other, Cena’s chest is already red from the chops. Cena wrenches the arm of HBK, Michaels reverses it and grounds Cena. Some fans are chanting “You tapped out” at Cena… that is stupid on so many levels. Cena reverses HBK’s reversal, but HBK turns it into a side headlock. Cena fights out, but HBK is able to lock another headlock on Cena momentarily. The two competitors rest on the mat, as Cena struggles to break the headlock. Cena finally sends HBK into the ropes and hits an armdrag. HBK reverses another armdrag attempt and puts Cena back into the headlock. Cena fights out of it again, sending HBK into the ropes, only this time HBK rams Cena to the mat. Cena gains some offense, sending HBK over the ropes and hitting a big clothesline. Cena follows up with the back body drop and goes for the cover. I have the volume down kind of low, but I think I hear more boos for Cena than usual. Cena remains in control of HBK, going for a few more cover attempts. HBK escapes to the outside of the ring, to regain his composure. Cena goes after him, and Michaels leads him back into the ring. HBK corners Cena and goes into his chops routine. Cena reverses the Irish Whip attempt and sends HBK into the turnbuckle hard. HBK bounces back and hits a DDT on Cena. HBK goes for the cover, but it only gets 2. HBK drops a few elbows on the neck of John Cena. HBK whips Cena into the corner, and locks on a sleeper. Cena thrashes about, trying to break the sleeper. Cena begins to fade, as he falls to his knees, with the sleeper still locked on. The referee begins to drop Cena’s arm to determine if Cena has lost consciousness or not. Cena predictably fights out on the third count, and hits a back suplex on HBK. HBK hits a chop on Cena, and Cena fights back with a punch. Cena hits a big clothesline, and takes the momentum. Cena goes through his five moves of doom, complete with “you can’t see me!” Five knuckle shuffle follows, and Cena goes for the F-U. HBK escapes the move, and hits some more chops. HBK hits an inverted atomic drop on Cena and follows up with the clotheslines. HBK goes to the top rope and misses on his flying elbow! Cena moved out of the way, and both men are down! Kurt Angle runs in and attacks HBK, causing the DQ at 9:23! Hey, I was right about the DQ. **1/4 Angle hits a belly to belly suplex on HBK, but Cena gets up and attacks Angle. Cena has Angle in position for the F-U, but gets caught with the Sweet Chin Music from Shawn Michaels. Michaels takes the WWE title belt and stands over the fallen Kurt Angle and John Cena. HBK looks at the belt and drops it on Cena. It is very obvious who WWE wants the fans to vote for.
Winner by DQ: Shawn Michaels
Final thoughts: This was a step up from the disasters that Raw has been giving us this month. The wrestling was nothing to write home about, some of the angles were illogical, but at least none of it was boring. Of course, after last week’s colon surgery segment, anything would have to be a step in the right direction this week.
Thumb in the middle, leaning down.