Monday Night Raw
October 17, 2005
The new WWE signature is pretty cool, but once again they are feeding too much off their past glory to cover the fact that their current product has fallen in terms of quality. The Raw intro really needs to go though. Nothing against the Union Underground… but I am sick of that song.
-We revisit the firing of Jim Ross and Linda McMahon’s putrid heel turn. That was a great way to send the fans home happy.
-Hurray, the show starts with Vince McMahon coming out for an interview! He shills Taboo Tuesday, which is only two weeks away. Vince wants Eric Bischoff to come up with an innovative main event for the pay-per-view, giving power to the fans. He is still happy about firing Jim Ross, and he is happy with his wife. Good, Linda doesn’t have to worry about being drugged anytime soon. Vince addresses that Stone Cold is rumored to be on his way to the arena. Vince threatens to fire Stone Cold. What exactly is Stone Cold’s on air job anyway? He randomly shows up every few months and gives out stunners. This leads to a video package for J.R. It starts off tasteful, but soon turns to shots of J.R. getting his ass kicked, kissing Vince’s ass, and being set on fire. See what his replacement has to look forward to? Vince introduces Jonathan Coachman as the new lead announcer on Raw… and Coach comes out dressed as J.R. Coach takes the microphone and thanks Vince. The tedious Vince interview turns into an even more tedious Coach interview.
-Backstage, Kurt Angle approaches Vince. Angle reminds Vince that he pinned John Cena last week and he wants to be the #1 Contender. The Hurricane swoops in. Hurricane stands up for J.R. and questions Vince’s decision to make Coach the announcer with “whatsupwitdat?!” Vince has Angle beat up Hurricane for getting in his face. Angle drags Hurricane out to the arena, continuing the assault. As if they hadn’t buried Hurricane enough. They make their way to the ring and Angle chokes out the Hurricane. Angle tosses Hurricane into the ring and continues to destroy poor Shane Helms. Hurricane finally makes a short comeback, hitting some punches and a missile dropkick on Angle. Hurricane misses the shining wizard and gets caught in the ankle lock. Hurricane taps out… as if it will do any good in an actual fight. The referees finally hit the ring to separate Kurt Angle from the Hurricane. As much as it pains me to see the Hurricane treated this way, it’s always good to see Angle gain some “bad-ass heel” points.
-After the commercial, Jerry Lawler is making his way to the commentator’s booth. Lawler is not too impressed with Coach, but is willing to act civil.
-Backstage again, and Vince is talking with Eric Bischoff. They are discussing Taboo Tuesday. Vince wants Bischoff to give the audience a main event for Taboo Tuesday that is “absolutely compelling.” Bischoff proposes John Cena vs Kurt Angle vs a man that the fans have to choose. Carlito vs Shawn Michaels, Edge vs Big Show to qualify as choices and the main event tonight will be a battle royal to pick the third choice. This is not really a bad idea. It would be annoying if Shawn Michaels gets the most votes two years in a row though.
Qualifying match for Taboo Tuesday: Edge (with Lita) vs Big Show
If they want Big Show to have an Andre-like aura to him, jobbing him to Edge would be a very bad idea. They tie up, and Big Show sends Edge over the top rope. Edge cautiously makes his way back to the ring and Edge attaches himself to Big Show’s back. Big Show uses his big fat ass to ram Edge back. Edge dodges a Big Show attack and corners Show with some punches. And we go to commercial.
I go to WWE Unlimited at WWE.com, and Big Show is in control of Edge. He takes Edge down with some head butts. Show bounces Edge off the ropes and continues his methodical assault. Show takes a breather, while Edge rolls in pain. Show chokes Edge with his big fat boot. Show lets go and brings Edge back to his feet. He takes Edge down with his massive leg. Edge rolls out of the ring for cover, while Big Show stands around the ring. Edge catches Show with a neck breaker and goes to the top rope. He flies at Big Show, but is caught. Show drops Edge head-first onto the turnbuckle. Show continues to use his weight effectively, standing on Edge.
We go back to USA, and Big Show is now chopping Edge. Edge fights out of the corner and hits some more punches on Show. Show gets control of Edge again, and signals for the crowd to quiet down, so they can hear the sound his chops make. Lita looks on concerned. Now that Matt Hardy is gone to Smackdown, these two really do not have any heat left. Meanwhile, Edge manages to whip Big Show into the steel steps by the ring. Edge finally gets the upper hand, trying to keep the big man off his feet. Edge locks on an armbar, using it somewhat convincingly. Edge hits a big DDT on Big Show and goes for a cover. Show kicks out. Edge goes back to work on Show’s arm. Edge has Show’s arm between his legs, and Show uses this to his advantage as he lifts up Edge and slams him to the mat. I liked that spot, maybe this match won’t get a DUD after all. Show catches Edge for a Chokeslam, but Edge counters it. Edge goes for another DDT, but Show reverses. Big Show misses a side tackle, and Edge jumps into a Chokeslam position. Edge hits a spear on Show and Coach yells “Gore, Gore, Gore!” A TNA rib, perhaps? Or did Coach screw up. Either one is believable. Suddenly, JBL’s music plays and I get confused. Edge is distracted and Big Show finally gets a Chokeslam on Edge for the win at 10:20. JBL never shows up, so I’m guessing this was meant to further the Raw vs Smackdown situation. The match was slow, methodical, and about seven minutes longer than it had to be. ¾* because I liked a couple of spots.
Winner: Big Show
-We see a video package of fans lining up for WrestleMania 22 tickets. These people are really excited, it warms my cold, bitter heart.
-WWE Unlimited is showing footage of the production crew setting up Carlito’s Cabana. This is great, now every week I can pretend that I’m actually in attendance at Raw. Carlito makes his entrance, so I’m guessing the commercial is about over.
-Backstage, Edge and Lita are complaining to Bischoff about the JBL music. Edge is blaming his loss on JBL. If Edge is so pissed off about being out of the voting for Taboo Tuesday, maybe he should use his Money in the Bank title shot. I bet the writers didn’t think that one through. Edge threatens to do something about JBL, so he will probably be on Smackdown this week. Huzzah!
-We go back to the arena for Carlito’s Cabana. Carlito claims he is going to beat Shawn Michaels tonight and qualify for the Taboo Tuesday main event… and that is cool! I would be proud to main event a show called “Taboo Tuesday” too. Carlito is about to mock Jim Ross some more, but Mick Foley comes out before anything can come of it. And that’s cool. Foley takes a microphone and states about how cool it is to be in the ring with Carlito… because it’s good to be with someone who has worse looking hair than Foley does! This is why I am a Foley mark. Foley stands up for J.R. and voices his disgust with Linda McMahon. Linda then appears on the titantron. Linda mentions that Ross is going in for colon surgery and says that she heard people are saying that Ross thinks Linda’s kick to his groins worsened his situation. Linda is prepared to fight a lawsuit and uses the “We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors line” which if I am not mistaken, is the first time we’ve heard this on television and not just online. Linda tells Mick to “have a nice day” and fades out.
Carlito puts his arm around Foley and calls Ross an “out of shape, unemployed loser… just like you!” Carlito calls Foley the “Least cool person he has ever seen.” Oh, that’s just harsh. I hope Foley’s kids missed that line, they would probably start crying. Foley admits that he is not cool, but he would rather not be cool. Foley brings the interview goodness, even working in his trademark cheap pop! Foley states that fans think Foley is cool, but they think that Carlito is a horse’s ass. Carlito threatens to spit an apple in Foley’s face, but Foley calls Carlito on how useless it is. Okay, now this segment is starting to drag, especially since Foley is putting HBK over. Foley wishes everyone a nice day and exits. This was all incredibly pointless and did not further anything. Linda did not even act too heel-like in her promo.
-On WWE Unlimited, Carlito is on the microphone and working the crowd. He calls himself the true number one contender and calls the people idiots. This upcoming HBK/Carlito match will probably suck hard.
Qualifying match for Taboo Tuesday: Shawn Michaels vs Carlito
Carlito rushes to the ramp to meet HBK and a brawl erupts. Carlito rams HBK into the guard rail and then into the ring apron. Carlito tosses HBK into the ring and the bell officially rings. Carlito corners HBK and chops him. HBK tries to escape, but just gets kicked for his efforts. Carlito drapes HBK onto the bottom rope and chokes him. Carlito is actually showing some good intensity here. Maybe we will finally find out what his finisher is. Carlito keeps control of HBK, slamming him down and going for a cover. HBK obviously kicks out, frustrating Carlito. Carlito rams HBK into the turnbuckle and continues the punch/kick assault. Carlito drops HBK again and goes for cover attempt #2. You’ll never believe it, but HBK kicked out. Carlito adds some variety to the match with some shoulder thrusts on HBK, but finally HBK gets some chops in and begins to take some control. Carlito reverses an Irish whip and sends HBK crashing into the corner. Carlito goes for cover attempt #3 and it’s once again a failure. Carlito puts HBK in a sleeper, and HBK fights to regain a vertical base. HBK fights out and hits a chop on Carlito. Carlito reverses a shot from HBK and takes control again. Another chop puts HBK on the mat, and Carlito goes for cover attempt #4. What makes Carlito think HBK would lose to a chop? Carlito sends HBK flying over the top rope. Carlito follows it up by throwing HBK into the ring for cover attempt #5. None of these pinfall attempts are convincing in the least. Meanwhile on commentary, Coach continues to mock J.R. by stealing his lines. Why is Jim Ross being treated like the number one babyface on Raw? Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels has recovered a bit and almost picked up a win on Carlito. HBK is chopping away at Carlito before putting him into a sleeper of his own. We hit 10 pm and there was only 15 minutes of wrestling in the first 60 minutes of Raw, which is pretty typical. Carlito reverses HBK’s sleeper into a back-drop. Both men are now selling injuries, not sure what they did to justify all this selling though. HBK chops at Carlito, but gets whipped into the turnbuckles again. Carlito follows this up with a shot to HBK’s gut. Carlito goes for cover attempt #6, and a few seconds later goes for cover attempt #7. Hey Carlito, try finding a finisher, they work a lot better than basic wrestling moves. Carlito puts HBK into an abdominal stretch. HBK fights out and hip-tosses Carlito and follows it up with… chopping! Chopping is not much less boring than punches at this point. HBK goes to suplex Carlito over the top rope, but Carlito brings HBK with him. They both tumble in the very first interesting spot in the match. We go to the commercial.
I patiently wait for WWE Unlimited to come back. We see Carlito and HBK laying on the mat, both look to be in severe pain. They both crawl back into the ring at about the same time. They get to their feet, and they exchange chops. HBK finally hits a chop so devastating that Carlito goes to the mat, and HBK tries to follow up with a cover attempt. HBK whips Carlito into the turnbuckle with a sickening force. HBK follows this up with… you guessed it, more chopping! We come back from the commercial.
Carlito has a sleeper on HBK, but HBK fights out of this one more quickly. Carlito hit a DDT on HBK, and goes for cover attempt #8. When that doesn’t work, Carlito goes for cover attempt #9. This pisses Carlito off, and fires away with some fiery punches on HBK. Carlito hits a sloppy suplex on HBK and goes for cover attempt #10. Carlito, not so pissed off for some reason, follows this with chopping! They exchange chops again and whips HBK into the turnbuckle. Carlito charges, but HBK moves out of the way and Carlito hits the turnbuckle crotch-first. HBK hits a flying elbow on Carlito, follows up with clotheslines, and heads to the top rope for the elbow drop. He hits the elbow perfectly, but does not go for the pinfall. Instead, HBK tunes up the band for the Sweet Chin Music. Carlito counters the super kick and leaps onto HBK’s shoulders. He turns this into a roll-up, grabs the ropes, and cover attempt #11 is almost successful. They chop each other again, and the referee somehow takes a bump (I missed it due to typing). Carlito grabs a chair, and swings at HBK’s head. Carlito misses and HBK super-kicks the chair into Carlito’s head and goes for the cover. The ref comes to and counts to three and Shawn Michaels is the winner at 16:42! This match was brutally boring for 90% of it, but picked up at Carlito’s final cover attempt. I actually bought that as the finish, so I suppose I am disappointed that HBK went over here. *1/4.
Winner: Shawn Michaels
-Right after the match, Ric Flair comes out to the arena. We go to a commercial.
-After the break, we see Ric Flair in mid-promo. Flair says that Triple H took it upon himself that he should retire. Triple H wanted Flair to stay home and not come back. Flair goes on to repeat things Triple H said in last week’s 20 minute rambling session. So far, this feud is not doing anything for me, so I really hope the matches are at least decent. After seeing the shape Triple H was in back at Raw Homecoming, any match involving Triple H seems to be doomed. Flair continues to put over how great he was in his prime. Flair puts Triple H over as being “the man.” I fail to see what Flair sees in Triple H. Flair brings up the topic of his plane crash and how he was never supposed to wrestle again. Young fans are not going to care for this segment whatsoever, but I imagine old-school fans are enjoying this… until Triple H comes out and stinks up the segment. It might happen sooner, as this interview is becoming more and more a rambling session. Flair starts picking at his bandage and is now bleeding.
Finally, Triple H comes out to answer Flair rantings. Flair goes under the ring and grabs a baseball bat. Flair chases after Triple H, who is running away. Backstage, we see Flair hunting The Game. If Triple H comes after Flair on a forklift, I will mark out. But alas, we go to commercial.
-WWE Unlimited shows Torrie Wilson, Candice Michelle, and Victoria making their entrance. All three of them look like they are ready to wrestle. Can I assume their opponents will be Trish, Ashley, and Mickie James?
-Backstage, Maria is with Carlito. Carlito is pissed off about losing his match. He is blaming the loss on Mick Foley. Carlito challenges Foley to a match at Taboo Tuesday.
Torrie Wilson, Candice Michelle, and Victoria vs Trish Stratus, Ashley, Mickie James
The face team didn’t have any graphics introducing them, so I don’t know if it is “Mickey” or “Mickie.” I’ll assume it’s Mickie. However, she will always be Alexis Laree in my heart. Anyways, Victoria and Trish start the match off. Trish goes for a headscissor take-down, Victoria turns it into a swing, and Trish finally takes Victoria down. Tag is made to Mickie, who flies off the top rope onto Victoria. Victoria quickly regains onctorl on Mickie, and hits a backbreaker. Victoria slaps Mickie and whips her into a turnbuckle. Mickie counters out of it and hits a hurricanrana on Victoria. Victoria hits a roll-up on Mickie and pins her at 1:47. What the hell was that?!? DUD. Even if it meant keeping Candice and Ashley from having to do anything, this is still crap. After the match, Mickie hits the Stratusfaction on Victoria, looking for the approval of Trish Stratus.
Winners: Victoria, Candice Michelle, and Torrie Wilson
-Meanwhile, Stone Cold Steve Austin shows up, crashing his truck through the backstage area. He drives the truck to ringside, where the divas are still scattering. Austin goes to the ring and salutes the crowd. We go to commercial.
-Stone Cold is still in the ring after the break, and has a microphone. Austin has a message and he’s having a hard time maintaining his composure. He claims to have been with WWE for ten years and says he never backed down from anyone in the company. Let’s all forget that Austin walked out twice in 2002… and again in 2004. Austin puts over Jim Ross as being his best friend through out it all. Now we’re forgetting when Austin beat the crap out of J.R. in 2001. Austin calls out Vince McMahon, which was just what this program needed. However, we get Stephanie McMahon instead. Joy oh joy. Instead of Vince’s annoying voice, we can have Stephanie’s instead. Austin calls Stephanie a “transvestite.” They continue to bicker, and Stephanie looks like she’s having trouble covering up that she’s having a good time. Stephanie blames Austin for J.R. being fired, as Austin continues to down beer after beer. Austin threatens to give Stephanie a spanking, and further alludes that Stephanie has a penis. Suddenly, Coach is on the microphone and trashes Austin for threatening Stephanie. Suddenly, I have a sick feeling that we’re getting Coach vs J.R. at Taboo Tuesday. Stephanie puts my fears to rest, but suggesting that Austin take on Coach at Taboo Tuesday, and if Austin wins than J.R. can come back. Are you telling me that Austin’s first match in over two years is at a lousy excuse of a pay-per-view against an announcer? Stephanie adds that if Austin loses at Taboo Tuesday, than Austin is fired. I have my fingers crossed. This segment went way too long, but at least it progressed a storyline.
-Before we go to a commercial, Austin goes up to the commentator’s booth to punk out the Coach. This is your typical Austin harassment segment.
-Eric Bischoff comes out and buries Smackdown again. Bischoff announces Foley vs Carlito, HHH vs Flair, and a Diva Battle Royal for Taboo Tuesday. John Cena comes out, cutting off Bischoff. Cena joins Coach and Lawler at the commentator’s booth. This should be good. Bischoff then introduces Kane as the final competitor in the battle royal.
Battle Royal (Winner qualifies for Taboo Tuesday)
Pretty much every Raw star is in the ring right now, even Edge and Carlito. Carlito approaches Kane first, and gets choked for his trouble. Kane quickly tosses Carlito over the top and it’s on! Viscera tries to dominate, but is unloaded second. We go to a commercial, dammit.
WWE Unlimited pops up. The battle royal is going along smoothly enough. Kane is choking Kerwin White with his huge boots. Val Venis is squaring off with Rob Conway. And finally, the tag champs Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade appear on USA network! I’m amazed! Or at least they will if they don’t get eliminated before the commercial ends. I lose my connection to WWE Unlimited at this point, so I’ll have to wait patiently for the show to come back.
Back live, Gene Snitsky appears to have been eliminated. Cade and Murdoch are double teaming Kane. I can see that Shelton Benjamin, Val Venis, Rob Conway, Chris Masters, Rosey, and Kerwin White are still in it. Tajiri, Edge, and Tomko were all eliminated during the break. Rosey is eliminated next by the tag champions. Shelton Benjamin has located his enemy, Kerwin White, and they are tangling. Kane is fighting Murdoch and Cade again, as they stomp away at him in the corner. Kerwin White goes for a moonsault on Shelton, but misses. Chris Masters tosses Shelton over the ropes, but Shelton skins the cat. This is short lived. The Heart Throbs eliminated Val Venis, but are double chokeslammed by Kane seconds later. The eliminations from here happen all simultaneously, as it comes down to just Kane and Chris Masters. Masters puts Kane in the Master Lock. Kane somehow gets out of it and drops Masters out of the battle royal. Kane wins! This was probably the most rushed battle royal I have ever seen, fueling my theory that Austin took too long again. Kane has qualified for Taboo Tuesday. DUD.
Winner: Kane
Final thoughts: Not much of a Raw, wrestling-wise. The interview segments all dragged on longer than they should have, but at least it lead to matches being made for Taboo Tuesday. They are really trying to make sure that this year’s Taboo Tuesday is a hit, which I would applaud them for. Too bad the show will probably suck again this year.
Thumbs down.