| QUOTE |
| Scraping the Bottom in Wrestling By Mark Dursin Special to Page 2 From Gorgeous George to Magnificent Muraco, from "Rowdy" Roddy Piper to "The Unpredictable" Johnny Rodz, one thing is clear: professional wrestlers love adjectives. They're also fond of alliteration (like Ravishing Rick Rude or Marvelous Marc Mero) and hyperbole (like the Great Kamala or Ultimate Warrior). But they really love adjectives. And so do the fans. We routinely employ their own adjectives (many of them unprintable), not only for the wrestlers but also for moves, announcers, and especially, storylines ("angles," in wrestling parlance). For many of these angles, adjectives such as "lame" and "uninspired" work just fine; as an example, I give you Edge and Booker T's feud over shampoo. Some angles cross the line into "absurd," "distasteful" and even "vaguely illegal" -- like when Earthquake sat on and subsequently killed Jake the Snake's pet python, or when Brock Lesnar pushed one-legged wrestler Zach Gowen down three flights of stairs. For a select few angles, only one descriptor fits: "appalling." What distinguishes a merely "loathsome" storyline from a truly "appalling" one? Tough to say. Basically, you know it when you experience it -- when your face contorts into a permanent cringe, when you feel the need to take a shower after you turn off the TV. The most appalling WWE (then-WWF) angle stretches back fifteen years, back when Simmons and I were in college and spending our hours playing the WWF arcade game at the Greendale Mall in Worcester. In the summer of 1990, Saddam Hussein invaded the tiny emirate of Kuwait, an act of wanton aggression which precipitated "Operation: Desert Storm." In response, Vince McMahon and the good folks/opportunistic vultures at World Wrestling Entertainment gave the character of Sgt. Slaughter -- long a flag-waving American hero -- an extreme "Iraqi sympathizer" makeover. This new, evil Slaughter called the American soldiers "pukes," saluted Iraq's flag, and even chummed around with his old nemesis, the Iron Sheik. (Although the Sheik was supposed to be Iranian, and the Iraqis and Iranians hated one another, only he sympathized with Saddam Hussein ... actually, let's just move on.) See, Vince McMahon had it all figured out: The "turncoat" angle would culminate at WrestleMania VII, where super-patriot Hulk Hogan would defeat Sarge and bring the WWE Title back to the good ol' U.S. of A. For Vince, this would be the mother of all matches, one that would sell out the L.A. Coliseum. It was going to be huge. Huge, I tell you! And it could have been, too -- if anyone bought tickets. Unfortunately for Vince, wrestling fans saw the angle for the shameful exploitation that it was, turning away from 1991's WrestleMania in droves. Knowing they couldn't broadcast the biggest show of the year in a half-empty arena, WWE shifted venues at the last minute, from the L.A. Coliseum (which could fit 100,000) to the Los Angeles Sports Arena (which could fit, I don't know, maybe 70). But wait: there's more. Flash forward to a Tuesday morning in 2001, when planes flew into buildings and the world changed forever. After 9/11, Americans lived in fear that the terrorists might attack again, and American wrestling fans lived in fear that WWE would try to capitalize on this tragedy. In the aftermath of 9/11, WWE appeared to take the high road. In the September 26, 2001 edition of the New York Times, Linda McMahon -- Vince's wife as well as WWE's Chief Executive Officer -- had this to say: "We're not going to do anything to connect to the attacks. We want to be perceived as conscientious programmers." Nice restraint, guys. WWE had enough with this "conscientious programmer" malarkey by 2004, the year that saw the debut of Muhammad Hassan. More caricature than character, Hassan is an Arab-American who wears a headdress, praises Allah, and basically does all those mean, "anti-American" things that don't exactly result in a public relations bonanza for WWE. Just two weeks ago, WWE Smackdown ran a pre-taped episode featuring a terrorist-like attack by "Arab" wrestling villains (wearing masks and camouflage pants) on Undertaker (the "American" victim) -- with Hassan on his knees, praying, as if this wasn't hideous enough -- with the show running on the same night as the London bombings. Sure, they ran a disclaimer on the bottom, but the damage was done. It was a new low for American wrestling. In one sense, there's nothing new to see here. Wrestling promoters -- more adept at playing the xenophobia card than Donald Rumsfeld -- have always served up "foreign fanatics," from places such as Russia, Japan, and even Finland. But the Muhammad Hassan experiment doesn't just exploit 9/11, it turns wrestling fans into racial profilers. Here's what I mean: Hassan has consistently complained that, ever since 9/11, Americans have been prejudiced against anyone of Arab descent. The thing is, ever since 9/11, many Americans have been prejudiced against anyone of Arab descent. By booing him, we're basically validating everything he's saying -- in effect, making us the villains. And none too intelligent villains either: fans routinely chant "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" whenever Hassan enters an arena -- although the character is supposed to be from Detroit or something. Now, the WWE scriptwriters are either brilliant cultural satirists for exposing not only the intolerance but also the ignorance of their own fans ... or they collectively have no souls. Me, I'm putting my money on "no souls." "Well now," a purist may scoff, "those are but two indiscretions. Certainly, WWE doesn't make 'appalling angles' a general practice." Oh no? I'll let you be the judge, as I present five more appalling wrestling angles from the past ten years: 5. Mark Henry: Sex Addict Mark Henry's credentials as a weightlifter in the 1996 Olympics meant squat to wrestling fans, so in 1999, WWE tweaked his character a little and transformed him into "Sexual Chocolate," a self-professed nymphomaniac. This new gimmick, meant to elevate the big man's star, de-railed his career for good, thanks largely to two appalling stunts: A. Having a fling with a groupie named "Sammi," who turned out to be a transvestite (of course) B. Romancing the ironically-named Mae Young, a former female wrestler in her 80s. Mae, it seems, was also a nymphomaniac; several times, she tried to flash the crowd. This dreadful and completely non-entertaining love affair culminated with Mae's announcement that she was pregnant; eventually, on live TV, she inexplicably gave birth to a plastic hand. Much like Elizabeth Berkeley's career after "Showgirls," poor Mark Henry was ruined after this angle -- it was that bad. (I mean, she gave birth to a hand!?! A hand?!? What the hell was that??) 4. The McMahon Family Pummel Each Other Around 1998, the McMahons -- father Vince, mother Linda, son Shane, and daughter Stephanie -- moved from "behind the scenes" to "the scene" itself. For almost five years, nearly every broadcast explored the various ways the McMahons could beat on each other. Usually, Vince and Shane duked it out: giving each other low-blows, bashing each other in the head with trash cans -- fun stuff like that. Once the "father-son beatdown" angle played itself out, Vince set his sights on his daughter. At the 2003 No Mercy pay-per-view, Vince and Stephanie fought each other in a hardcore "I Quit" match that ended (according to the 2005 Pro Wrestling Illustrated's Almanac) "when Linda McMahon threw in the towel for Stephanie while Vince was choking her out with a lead pipe." And yes, I was going to go off on a rant about passing off child abuse as entertainment, but ... what's say we just leave it with "choking her out with a lead pipe"? (On an equally-appalling note: at various times, Vince cooked up "adultery" angles, which required him to make out with hot babes while Linda looked on. I guess Vince figured the "elderly nymphomaniac" storyline worked so well for Mae Young, why not?) 3. Dead Fathers Who Aren't Really Dead and Who Aren't Really Fathers Pro-wrestling isn't just a family affair for the McMahons. In 2002, WWE Diva/proud bimbo Torrie Wilson worked an angle with her actual father, Al Wilson. In a nutshell: hapless geezer Al falls in love with and then marries Torrie's rival, the beautiful yet evil Dawn Marie; the two wed on TV, in the ring and (for some reason) in their underwear. During their honeymoon, Al slips into a coma and "dies." But that's fine by Dawn Marie, because she later reveals that she was attracted to Torrie all along. As insipid and repugnant as this was, another "dead dad" plot may top it. In 1999, the Big Show's "father" died of cancer. At the "funeral," the rotten-to-the-core Big Bossman showed up, chained the deceased's coffin to his truck, and then dragged it -- and the corpse -- around the cemetery. Appalling, in every way something can be appalling. (Incidentally, the Big Show's father didn't really die of cancer; for storyline purposes, the scriptwriters gave him a fictional family -- proving that there are people out there who, unlike the McMahons and the Wilsons, don't want to humiliate themselves on television.) 2. The Return of Diesel and Razor (Kinda) In May of 1996, two of WWE's biggest draws -- "Big Daddy Cool" Diesel and Razor Ramon (portrayed by Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, respectively) -- left to work for the competition. Their departure disheartened fans, but, four months later -- a new hope! WWE announcer Jim "J.R." Ross started proclaiming that Diesel and Razor were heading back home! They're in negotiations with WWE lawyers! And Ross is going to produce them on next week's broadcast! And produce them he did -- or, at least, two guys dressed up like Diesel and Razor. And just how could they spend weeks promising the return of two beloved characters and then bring out look-alikes? Well, as Jim Ross, ever the literalist, pointed out: "I never said I was going to bring back Kevin Nash and Scott Hall." Ah, good one, J.R.! Personally, the whole "Fake Diesel/ Fake Razor" bait-and-switch was the last straw. After that, I swore I would never watch WWE programming again. (That was nine years ago, I realize, but still ... ) 1.Triple-H and Katie Vick There are "head-shaking" appalling angles. There are "spirit-crushing" appalling angles. And there is Katie Vick, which is worse than the plastic hand, worse than Vince choking out his daughter, even worse than Al Wilson dying on TV. It's the worst thing ever seen on a wrestling show, and may just be the worst thing ever seen on cable television -- and that includes "The Real Gilligan's Island." With profound apologies to readers who know nothing of this angle, I must offer a little history: Triple-H and Kane had been feuding for a few weeks before someone in the back realized they weren't feuding about anything. So one day, Triple-H confronted Kane and said that he knew something about his past: apparently, when Kane was a teenager, he was driving home from a party and got into a car accident, which caused the death of his girlfriend, Katie Vick. "Hey, wait a second ... " the astute fan may say, "I've been following the career of Kane for years. And hadn't they established that, as a child, Kane was trapped in a fire, which destroyed his vocal chords and left him so horribly disfigured that he had to wear a mask for most of his life? And now we find out he was hanging out with girls and going to parties? Isn't re-writing history like that sort of appalling?" It is indeed, but more in its appalling lack of consideration for little things such as character development and continuity. The real effrontery to human decency would come weeks later, in a pre-taped "skit." The camera opened on a funeral parlor. Triple-H was there, wearing a red Kane mask and standing over an open coffin; inside the coffin, a female mannequin, representing Kane's dead girlfriend. After delivering an interminably rambling and unfunny monologue, Triple-H climbed into the coffin ... and proceeded to have simulated sex with the aforementioned mannequin. Now, World Wrestling Entertainment is a pretty big company. I don't know how big precisely, but you've got to figure it employs a lot of people. And not one of these people found the "Katie in the casket" thing just a little tasteless? Not one said, "You know, we've crossed some lines before. We've been racist, sexist, ageist, and homophobic. We've done the 'sex slave' angle, the 'sympathetic pimp' angle, even the 'embalming someone alive' angle. We've shown people eating other people's boogers, and we've watched Vince McMahon pull down his pants on live TV so his employees could literally kiss his butt. But mock necrophilia ... I just don't think this is the way to go. Anyone else?" Final word on this: For years, Vince McMahon has drilled it into our heads that he's not in the rasslin' business at all; he's in the entertainment business. In the '80s, he coined the term "sports-entertainment" to describe his product. And just a few years ago, he re-named his company "World Wrestling Entertainment." And thus I say to Vince: if you're going to go through all that trouble, then you better make sure you work some of that "entertainment" stuff into your programming. Me, I can't believe that a true desire to "entertain" motivated any of these appalling angles. Instead, it seems clear that these angles came out of WWE's giddy hankering to "push the envelope" -- not for anything as noble as "entertainment," but just to see what they could get away with. An exchange between wrestler Shawn Michaels and his on-screen "boss" Eric Bischoff best sums up my position: Michaels came out on TV and lambasted Triple-H for his "Katie Vick" shtick, prompting Bischoff to ask, "Oh, does a little necrophilia offend you as a Christian, Shawn?" To wit, Michaels replied, "No, it offends me as a wrestling fan." Now, that's entertaining! Mark Dursin wrote the "Birdman" column on the old "Boston Sports Guy" website. Much like Hulk Hogan, he still comes out of retirement from time to time to write about pro wrestling for Sports Guy's World. |
| QUOTE |
| Just two weeks ago, WWE Smackdown ran a pre-taped episode featuring a terrorist-like attack by "Arab" wrestling villains (wearing masks and camouflage pants) on Undertaker (the "American" victim) |
| QUOTE (prof_plague @ Jul 21 2005, 12:02 PM) |
| And yes, WMVII did only did 15,000 for seating. With the grand exceptions of WrestleMania III, VI, VIII, X-7, X-8, XIX, all WrestleManias have been fewer than 20,000 in attendance. |
| QUOTE (Scrooge McSuck @ Jul 21 2005, 06:41 PM) |
| That was a lame excuse made up to cover their asses. They weren't even close to selling the 100,000+ thousand tickets that would fill the arena. |