"Rest your bones, boos and ghouls, and settle in for the anthology series you've been dying to see: the complete six-episode first season of Tales from the Crypt!
Cadaverous scream legend/all-around punster the Crypt Keeper hosts these forays of fright and fun based on classic E.C. Comics tales from back in the day, and drawin on the talents of top filmmakers Richard Donner, Walter Hill, Joel Silver, Robert Zemeckis and others. So belly up to the bar and name your poison. Is it a deranged Santa on a personal slay ride? A man surgically implanted with as many lives (and deaths) as a cat? Honeymooners who each want the other to fulfill the 'til-death vow pronto? These and more terror-ific tales await. Ghoul 'love 'em!"
Taken from the back of the DVD package, Tales From The Crypt - the Complete 1st Season, promises to be great, or so I would assume going by childhood memories of watching these creepy tales of karmic retribution and twist endings scare the beJesus out of me. Season 1 consists of a slim amount of 6 episodes, all aired inside of a three week period in what I would assume was a test run period. Aired usually late at night on HBO, I remember my brother taping these and watching them with me the next morning, and boy were some of them scary. I still have nightmares from Mornin' Mess (Season 3 episode), which is one of my favorite episodes from that season. However, this is season 1 we are talking about, so back on topic, shant we?
For those who need a quick history lession, E.C. Comics published numerous horror comics during the early 50's, which included tales of horror and suspense, and sometimes both. Under several different titles of comics, the most popular being "Tales From The Crypt", the comics were the first real horror comics to be published, and of course everyone got their panties in a bunch to the point that the comics were discontinued. Sometime in the 80's someone had the idea to recreate the comics into a "live" television series, and thus the show was born.
Episode #1: The Man Who Was Death
Original Air Date: June 10th, 1989
Written By: Walter Hill & Robert Reneau
Directed By: Walter Hill
Our first tale of horror starts in a jailhouse, where a convicted fellon is about to be sent to the electric chair. Here we meet the main character of the Tale, Niles Talbot (William Sadler), who reveals to us that he is the executioner at the prison for when these instances occur. After doing the deed in, the state revokes the death penalty, and sends Talbot on the unemployment line. Not contempt with his besmirching, he decides to take the law into his own hands, by executing criminals who get off in court on technicalities. Three times isn't a charm though for Niles, as he's arrested in a strip club. The irony comes back to bite him though, as the death penalty is reinstated, and he's the next victim of the electric chair. After complaining about how everyone turns chickenshit when on death row early in the episodes, Niles does the exact same, hollering and screaming as he's dragged to his doom.
Episode Rating: 8/10 - Definitely not too bad of an episode to start the series out with, but the entire Tale is almost all the same character. There were no strong minor characters under than a bartender we see periodically and the guy who runs the Prison in the beginning and end, so that hurt the episode I think. We also get our first episode filled with some T & A, but nothing strong. However, the language was in several scenes.
Episode #2: And All Through The House...
Original Air Date: June 10th, 1989
Written By: Fred Dekker
Directed By: Robert Zemeckis
Here we are with probably one of the most popular tales from the Crypt Comic Series, which has been made into another short-movie back in the 70's on another anthology tape. The episode starts us off with an adulterous wife (played by Mary Ellen Trainor) killing her husband with a nice fire poker blow to the skull. It isn't long until we find out that an escaped convict/mental nutcase is in the area, who is wondering around dressed as Santa Claus, and likes to kill women. The woman doesn't know this though, as she's busy trying to dump her dead husbands body into a well. It doesn't take long for her to find out whats going on though, as the deranged Santa attempts attacking her several times. Things look good until the end, when the womans daughter lets the Santa into the house, and we get a somewhat classic shot of the woman screaming her lungs out as the episode comes to an end.
Episode Rating: 9/10 - Definitely one of my favorite episodes, as it really doesn't rely too much on comedy, and just turns it into your basic cat and mouse game that most horror movies spend the last half hour on, except here the killer (we assume) wins. Another instance of karma biting someone in the ass, as the woman kills her husband, and now is getting killed by a crazy Santa.
Episode #3: Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone
Original Airdate: June 10th, 1989
Written By: Terry Black
Directed By: Richard Donner
This story is another of my favorites, but it's also very cheesy, and sometimes in a bad away. We start the episode off where Ulric The Undying (Joe Pantoliano) is being placed in a coffin to be burried until noon the next morning. From there, we find out that through some crazy surgery that a whacked out doctor does to Ulric (previously a lush hobo), he has the lives of a cat, in total 9. The two find this to be profitable, as Ulric sells himself to a local carnival to die in front of audiences. After several successful deaths, Ulric does away with the Doctor in a car accident, intentionally taking 1 of his lives as well in the accident. After being double crossed by his hussy carny girlfriend, Ulric demands one last death, and all of the profits. It's not until he's burried 6 feet under that he realized he only had 8 lives... the cat died once for the operation. That's what happens to you when you get greedy, I suppose.
Episode Rating: 7.5/10 - Fun episode to watch, but not the greatest. The episode was way too lame at times during the death scenes, especially since he was making thousands and thousands of dollars, and there are only about 50-60 people in the crowd at times. Unless the carnival was charing something like $3,000 a ticket, I find that to be too unrealisitic. The comedy makes up for it almost, with some great scenes with Pantoliano and the guy who runs the Carnival (Robert Wuhl). Another episode that is pretty strong with language in some scenes.
Episode #4: Only Sin Deep
Original Air Date: June 14th, 1989
Written By: Fred Dekker
Directed By: Howard Deutch
We are introduced quickly to the main character, a street walker named Sylvia Vane (hotty Lea Thompson), who is tired of whoring herself out every night, and wants to get rich quick. Sylvia murders a pimp for his jewelry, but the pawn store owner doesn't accept it, but does want her beauty. With $10,000 in hand and 4 months to redeem her "beauty", Sylvia thinks the guy is just a psycho, and she ends up marrying some rich guy after spending all the money on fancy clothes and stuff like that. Four months later, Sylvia notices her skin is rapidly getting worse and worse looking, to the point she has to wear a vail to cover up the hideous aging of her face. After the pawn broker charges her an arm and a leg ($100,000) for her beauty back (she was a day late to redeem it), she ends up murdering her husband to get the money. Stupidly, she drops the murder weapon, and is suspect numero uno. She has to remain ugly for the rest of her life, otherwise she'll be given the death penalty. Serves her right I guess.
Episode Rating: 7/10 - I didn't really like this one much. Other than the hotness of Lea Thompson, there just wasn't much into it, and seeing her wearing that horrible makeup made my penis soft. I've seen much worse, but this episode was kind of a letdown compared to the first couple of the series.
Episode #5: Lover Come Hack To Me
Original Airdate: June 21st, 1989
Writen By: Michael McDowell
Directed By: Tom Holland
Here we go with one of the first twist endings. We start off following a wedding between Charles (Stephen Shellen) and birdface Peggy (Amanda Plummer). Peggy's Aunt suspects Charles is only marrying her for the money her mother left her, and she would be correct, because Charles plans on murdering Peggy later that night to get the money and blame it on a burglar. After weather ruins the night, the two head off to a creepy old mansion, which looks to have been deserted for years, other than fresh candles, fire wood, and axes laying around. After a long and boring time of fucking, Charles wakes up to see Peggy making out with another man. However, it's not Peggy, because he's dreaming. The person he's seeing is Peggy's mother and father, and he witnesses the mother brutally murdering the father, Allen, with a giant ax. Charles wakes up from the nightmare, assured everything is fine. Peggy, however, has other plans, and after removing the bullets from a gun Charles had brought with him, hacks him into a puddle of blood. We find out at the end that murdering the husband on the honeymoon after conceving a baby runs in the family, and the Aunt knew all about it.
Episode Rating: 8/10 - Outside of a boring 4-5 minute period during the "love-making", this was a pretty good episode, and by bar the most gore filled episode by miles in Season 1. Charles is left a bloody mess, Peggy is drenched in his blood, and Peggy's mother is dripping blood from her mouth after kissing the dead husband. Ew, creepy! Only problem with this was seeing the guys bare ass... ew, creepy again!
Episode 6: Collection Completed
Original Airdate: June 28th, 1989
Writen By: A. Whitney Brown, Battle Davis, and Randolph Davis
Directed By: Mary Lambert
Possibly the worst episode from Season 1, and maybe one of the corniest episodes of all time. The story is about Jonas, who is being force into retirement after 47 years of working at what I believe was a tool factory. His wife Anita is one of those pet lovers, and has the house filled with dogs, cats, chipmunks, birds... you name it, she's probably got it. Jonas is frustrated with retirement, and the annoyance of all the pets gets on his last nerve. He ends up taking up a hobby to pass the time... Taxidermy. After revealing he has killed and stuffed all but one of Anita's pets, she decides she'd wrather have her pet Mew Mew than her husband, and takes him out with a blow to the head with the oversized hammer he was given for a retirement present. Then in an act of pure sillyness, we find out Anita actually stuffed Jonas, and seats him on his chair with some of the animals he stuffed.
Rating: 4.5/10 - Horrible, Horrible, Horrible. The acting was beyond stale and wooden, there was no comedy, there was no frights. The sets were lame, especially outside, which looked like they just put up a wal on a pile of dirt and planted a couple of fake trees. Their boring and overweight neighbor Roy is even more annoying, and he just seems like some old man they picked off the street and decided to tell him to act. Also the finish was BEYOND gay. STUFFED person? Come on... that was so bad, it wasn't even close to being entertaining.
That does it for the episodes from season 1. Episodes #1-3 were the best, and Episode #5 was pretty good too, but Episode #4 is boring and Episode #6 is probably one of the worst episodes I've ever seen. I don't know how anyone could like that one. Oh well, I guess I could give the episodes an easy Thumbs up, but stopped the DVD after Lover Come Hack To Me.
Bonus Features:
- All New Introduction by the Crypt Keeper - This was pretty lame, as I suspect that the people at HBO or whatever either disposed of the Crypt Keeper puppets, or maybe they had deteriorated to the point they were unusable. I would go with the former, because I always expect stuff like that now and then. He simply pimps the DVD and the 6 episodes, but doesn't really do anything special. Color me disappointed. 3/10
- Tales From The Crypt: From Comic Books To Television - A 50:00 documentary on the origins of the Tales From The Crypt/Vault of Horror/Whatever comic books from the early 50's. If you're a comic nut or just find the topic interesting, this is the documentary for you, considering they only spend maybe 5:00 on the actual television series. Interviews included with people are John Carpenter, George A. Romero, Joel Silver, and R.L. Stine to name a few. Again, very disappointing since I'm not a big comic book lover, and couldn't appreciate these since I wasn't born for a good 40 something years AFTER the original publications were discontinued. 5/10
- Crypt Keeper's History of Season 1 - Incase you were too lazy to watch Disc #1, the Crypt Keeper (voice dubbed over old footage) recaps all Six episodes from Season 1 inside of a 5 minute span. Nothing major again, and another ultra lazy thing to do for a Season set. I'm sure they could've done something more than this. 1/10
Overall Bonus Features: 3/10 (Horrible)
Presentation:
Here is my main gripe with the DVD set. The audio functions of the disc is incredibly low for a Season Set, but that's what you get from Warner Brothers, and the video quality looks like it was dubbed directly from an old VHS copy, as you can noticably see the screen shake and jiggle from time to time, especially during the opening credits in the first episode, The Man Who Was Death. Another super lazy job done. 0/10 because I can't stand the lazyness from companies that they can't give remastered footage and audio.
Final Scorecard: (5 Star maximum)
Episodes: ****
Bonus Features: *
Presentation: Zero Stars
Recommendation: I would easily recommend this set if you loved the series and want to get the first 6 episodes on DVD, but beware. The video and audio is very iffy, and the bonus features don't do much for casual fans. I would say this is a Mild Recommendation because of all the faults from it, so hopefully Season 2 (being released on October 25th, 2005) will improve on some of these things. Personally, I wouldn't count on it, but there's always hope.